Thanks to Jason L. for sending it along. I love how the ad manages to highlight Cano's greatest attribute: speed. (He's slow as a slug, y'all.) Also, I can't see Cano ever colliding with a catcher. Totally out of his nature. And as long as we're on the complaint train, they never show the catcher dropping the ball, so presumably Cano is out. What is Craig Robinson cheering for, then? The collision itself? The other team? Chaos itself?
We'll never know. Also, my girlfriend had a dream two nights ago that I left her. We were still in NYC, and her parents were in town to help her move, and she saw Robbie Cano and Nick Swisher on the street. She called me up, hoping I'd be excited, but I didn't even care. That's when she knew it was over: I wouldn't even talk to her about Robbie Cano and the Swish.
I asked her about it some more, because even though asshole dream Shane doesn't care, real life Shane is dying to know about all Yankee incarnations, even in dreams. Here here was our conversation:
Me: What was Swisher like?
Her: He seemed pretty drunk.
Me: What about Robbie?
Her: He was kinda weird...he tried to kiss me.
1 - My girlfriend, who knew zero about sports before meeting me, is now dreaming about individual Yankees. The indoctrination is nearly complete.
2 - Swisher being drunk sounds about right.
3 - What the hell, Robbie? After all I've done for you? I don't know if I can trust you again.
4 - What is it with dreams? The brain can be a total asshole sometimes. Always got to mess with you while you're sleeping. COWARD!
But that's about enough of me. Get your backpacks and goggles on, baby, it's time for...
VOLUME TWO, WEEK ONE
The Friday Pick Six is an original SCSD! game where six people make six predictions for six weeks. Along with their picks, they're allowed and encouraged to submit a 'sound-off' on any topic, sports or otherwise. When it's all done, the winner earns great honor among the people, while the two losers are exiled in shame and the three middle finishers go to purgatory, with the chance rescue their good name up to three times. To learn more about the rules, and about the current contestants, read below:
-The inaugural champ and intros to the New Class
THE HALL OF ANGELS: OLD CHAMPIONS
Here's how Volume Two looks:
Creatures in Purgatory: Jill, Carrie, Spike
Newcomers: Swetha & Sabreena, Nick E., Mike L.
Let's get right to THIS WEEK'S DOCKET:
1. Michigan State at Iowa, CFB
2. Missouri at Nebraska, CFB
3. Steelers at Saints, NFL
4. Broncos v. 4ers, NFL in LONDON!
5. Saturday: The Portland Trailblazers, with Spike on the bandwagon, visiting the New York Knickerbockers
6. From Spike: Total batters faced by Rangers pitcher Derek "Dutch" Holland in games 3 and 4 of the World Series (Sat/Sun)
We begin with the purgatoried gal who all but had this baby won the first go-round and who, by the by, was none too pleased with yesterday's dig on fashion blogs:
Look! I did links! After my narrow - but super deserved - defeat last "season", I've decided that I'm stepping it up a notch this time around. They're not like fancy-pants Jill's links to like real, relevant and interesting articles and such. They're totally just pictures. NSFW. (Psyche! They're completely safe for work, I just really get a kick out of that acronym's existence.)
1. This is an incredibly difficult match-up to call. (It would seem after one six-week period of participating in this, I would stop feeling the compulsive need to state the obvious like that. But I really do keep expecting one week to just have like an easy obvious pick to make. Like when I gave the Bates-Trinity field hockey option. That was fun, right?) My gut says Iowa, but I am going to take Michigan State. When in doubt, defer to team colors.
2. Missouri's are the fans that carried the goal post off the field last week, right? That was some crazy business. I don't really support fan-related shenanigans and tomfoolery. Nebraska (CORNHUSKERS!) seems like a fine upstanding team of young gentlemen, with civilized fans. Like these men, who seem to just really enjoy dressing up and are certainly completely sober.
3. I think I've made it clear the strong-bad feelings I have regarding Ben Rapistberger in the past. He's for sure no good at life, I can just tell. Problem is? He still seems to be pretty good at football. Also, I really DO like the guy with all the hair. (No joke, I found that image by Googling "Steelers Hair Guy" and by the time I got to the H-A, Google had already auto-filled the rest. I am not the only one, folks.) Steelers. But grudgingly.
4. I do not understand why we keep trying to export American football (how douchey was it that I just specified American? God, I hate that. But I totally did it.) to England. Like, they're all set on sport, what with the real football (I don't even like soccer, but it at least makes sense to me that they call it football, so I cosign on it being the "real" football. For the record, I'd like American Football to be called "Pass the Pigskin Peanut".) and cricket, which despite being 100 percent incomprehensible, has the best name ever. And let's just for a second say that the Brits DID want our football - do they seriously want the Broncos and the Niners? Doubt. It. I'm going with Northern California loyalty here. 49ers.
5. I am incredibly despondent that basketball is back. Each year, it seems to come earlier and stay later, like the very most unwelcome house guest who like never takes the hint that you hate them and you just wish they'd forget your address. But the NBA must have our house digits stored in its GPS or something because every effing year, there it is. Never even brings a hostess gift or writes a thank you card after. Because also? The NBA is rude. Whatever. Portland.
6. I'm pretty sure I used up my week's allotment of words like four categories ago. 10 batters.
I would much rather talk about jeans shopping with my mom than make sports predictions, but until Shane takes this blog in the proper direction I will relent.
1. I know Michigan St has a good basketball team this year, and based on my experience at Duke, I also know that it is impossible for a school to have both their basketball and football teams excel. IOWA
2. Now I am no astrologist, but I saw corn in the toilet bowl this morning. NEBRASKA
3. The Saints are coming off an embarrassing lose to Cleveland and will look to redeem themselves. It would be nice if they could get any of their starting RBs to return to the line up, but until then I have faith in Ladell Betts because he is a former Redskin. I am actually now remembering how Ladell played. STEELERS
4. Great, a chance for a bunch of limey bastards to sit around and talk about how we are not playing REAL football. I like the NFL sending over two craptastic teams to represent America. If Denver can rattle the new quarterback early, it will be all over for the gold miners. Plus, I bet being in higher altitudes makes jet lag have less of an effect (not based on scientific evidence). DENVER
5. Greg Oden is a beast, even from the bench. TRAIL BLAZERS (and Trail Blazers are two words Shane. I guess they don't teach accurate reporting techniques at UNC). (Editor's note: fuck.)
6. So I live in Boston where baseball is a religion. But I grew up in Maryland rooting for the Orioles, so it was more like being in a half-assed cult that always forgot to have meetings. Luckily, espn.com was able to tell me that Holland will be a "primary long reliever," so that will help since I had no idea what he did in the bullpen. I'm going with 2 innings per game, 5 batters per inning, then take back some steps to honor the Hebrew god and make sure we're digging in the right place.... 17 BATTERS
I forgot that I love the NBA. As a die-hard Sonics fan, my enjoyment of the league, well, died-hard when they were usurped by those damned villainous Sooners. And whatever joy I had left in simply watching the game was usurped by that damned villainous Kobe (note: even before the Sonics left, years of being taunted by Lakers fans meant that I hated them far more than I liked the Sonics by the end). So I'm rebounding. With Brandon Roy (Seattle Native, UW Alum). And Nic Batum (HE IS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN IN FRANCE... he's the anti-Ribery). And Nate McMillen (Sonic Great). And Greg Oden's cursed knee. Actually, I lied about that last one.
The last great triumph of being a Sonics fan was getting Durant instead of Odom. I wished ill upon Odom. I'm not proud of that. Nor am I proud of the power I clearly wielded. But it's true. And rooting for him will be hard, should he ever suit up again. But that's a risk I'm going to have to take. GO BLAZERS!
1. MICHIGAN ST, I guess.
2. My girlfriend is from Missouri, so last week we had their game on. I was on the laptop, not really paying attention when she said “I wonder how Missouri decides which two players share the same number.” Me, not looking up: “No, you’re wrong, they’re not allowed to do that.” Her, the person that went to school in Columbia, Missouri, who
actually worked at their football games: “No, they do. See, there’s two number 11’s. They use the same numbers twice, once for offensive players and again for a defensive player.” Me, condescendingly, still not looking up: “Honey, it’s against the rules. They need everyone on the roster to be a different number for when they call penalties.”
Her: “Nick, I’m looking at them right now.”
Me: “I don’t know what you think you’re looking at, but you have to be wrong.”
Well, turns out I was wrong.
I’m also an asshole for assuming she was mistaken rather than adjusting my line of vision about six inches. I’ll never doubt a Missourian again. MIZ-ZOU
3. Oooh, an interleague matchup. I don't like the Steelers' chances without a DH. SAINTS
4. Hoo boy, these teams are awful. Should be even worse considering they now have to adjust to a 100 meter field. I wonder if Londoners do what we do with soccer: "oh man, if Wayne Rooney played this game he'd be a superstar." SAN FRANCISCO
5. The Blazers look pretty good so far, and NY plays in Boston the night before. PORTLAND
6. 12 batters
Michigan St. at Iowa: Iowa. A lot of things going on here. Iowa is coming off a heart-breaking loss. They are at home. They need this win to stay alive in the championship race. MSU, on the other hand, has been fierce. And drunk. Very drunk. Defensive back Chris L. Rucker (yes, “L”) was reinstated yesterday, immediately after serving eight days in jail for drunk driving. This was his second conviction in a year. Nevertheless, if the criminals win, they have a chance to go undefeated and pursue a national championship. So big things at stake. But I am going with the “fuck you, not on our turf” factor in this one.
Missouri at Nebraska: Nebraska. It is highly unlikely that Missouri can match their offensive explosion last week, when they had 486 yards. Nebraska comes into this game with the 10th best offense in the nation, while Missouri is the 5th best overall in points allowed. Expect a good one. Also expect Nebraska to come out on top, especially with Missouri linebacker Eric Martin suspended for his helmet hit against Oklahoma State.
Steelers at Saints: Steelers. I really don’t enjoy rooting against the Saints, or siding with the Rapist, but New Orleans is crippled by injuries. Reggie Bush has become irrelevant and may not even play. The Saints have a lackluster 4-3 record; in fact, their four wins have been against opponents with a combined 8-18 record, while three of them have been by less than a touchdown. Normally, I would say this desperation would propel them to victory, but I don’t think that they have enough firepower, Drew Brees and all, to overcome Pittsburgh’s defense.
Broncos v. 49ers: Broncos. San Fran’s QB situation is a disaster. Alex Smith is out with a separated shoulder and David Carr, well, David Carr sucks. So that leaves Troy Smith, who hasn’t thrown a pass all season. Then we have Denver, whose defense was an epic mess last week, when it allowed the lowly Raiders to score a franchise-record 59 points and prompted their head coach to publicly apologize for the loss. This one has the potential to be awesome. Or awesomely terrible.
Trailblazers v. Knicks: Knicks. Portland has Brandon Roy and the oft-injured Greg Oden, who perpetually looks like he is about 68 years old. Still, there is hope for the Knicks. Maybe I am just clinging to the misleading optimism that has gripped our great city. I mean, in comparison with the Isaiah years, this could be a dream season. There is the slightest chance we may grab the eighth and final playoff spot, which is something we last experienced when I was in elementary school. Fine, that is lie. But that is how the torture of the past few years has felt.
Total batters faced by Derek Holland in games 3 and 4: 3 batters. Oh, Derek Holland. Winner of the Super Implosion of the Week Award here at Pick Six, which I just created. His Game 2 performance was historically bad. As in, 12 of his first 13 pitches were balls and he gave up three walks, one with the bases loaded. He obliterated any hope of saving C.J. Wilson, who pitched his ass off for 7+ innings and left a 1-0 game. If I was a Texas fan – which, to make clear, will happen when hell freezes over – I would cringe at the thought of Derek Holland touching the ball again any time soon.
1. It's hard to trust a team that is referred to by the name of their mascot. Can you imagine if Miami was playing and Brent Musburger said "Sebastian takes on Florida State"? That's just absurd. IOWA.
2. At this point, it's just fun to root for every undefeated team to lose and watch Boise State squirm when the BCS standings come out. NEBRASKA.
3. Pittsburgh has to get its comeuppance for the way they beat the Dolphins, and the Saints have got to wake up after losing to Colt McCoy last week. NEW ORLEANS.
4. Gave up 59 points to Raiders or just gave the Panthers their first win...hmm. Maybe the only way the Niners snap out of this funk is by playing in a foreign country. SAN FRANCISCO.
5. Isn't it kind of sad for Knicks fans that Greg Oden is the closest thing that MSG is going to get to seeing LeBron in the home opener? I still don't believe Oden's birth certificate--this is what LBJ is going to look like in 15 years. PORTLAND.
6. Really no opinion here. It's basketball season. THREE.
There you have it, gang. Time to start sorting the wheat from the chaff. Good weekend of college football coming up, and the World Series resumes on Saturday. Root for the sweep or don't root at all, says I! Have a good weekend.