Coach K's Triumph: A Play in 10 Acts

Last night, Coach K passed Dean Smith for second on the all-time coaching victories list with Duke's win over UNC-Greensboro. We now revisit that glorious moment in an 8-act play, with apologies and thanks to the great Jeff Sullivan.)


"COACH K'S TRIUMPH"


ACT 1: 0-0
Hello, I'm the announcer Rob Stone. Let's have fun!

I know Coach K personally.

I'm coach Mike Dement. Happy holidays. My team is 0-11.

My team is 11-0.

This is anybody's game.

Goodness, it appears Coach K has chosen me as a member of tonight's starting 5.

Oh no biggie just kicking it off with a little baseline J.

Just swatid a smll dude hard ;-).

And scored a 2 lol.

How about some...3-POINT BINGO?

A 30-second timeout will set things right.

This is anybody's game.

Commercial: OOMA is some kind of phone product.



ACT 2: 15-2 Duke
Interview: I will now say the word 'moments' 8 times...moments.

Oh dear I'm out of the game.

A small white person is guarding me. Ideal.

Remember when I played for Duke?

Swatid another doosh.

Ouch a little fellow shoved me in the liver.

Swatid littel whitey hehe.

3 points? BINGO!

Our commercial with KISS is somehow still running.



ACT 3: 23-10 Duke
Did you know our nickname is the Spartans?

Not to brag, but I'm hot. BINGO.

Well hell any man can Bingo!

Commercial: Imagine a $2 bill with THE GRAND CANYON on it!



ACT 4: 35-15 Duke
Rob Stone, I won a national title. Haha!

Call me presumptuous but I believe it's J-Time!

This whole thing annoys me.

Me too.

Check out this new move I call a "spin."

These little fellows are awfully aggressive about rebounding.

Commercial: Let's face it, men need clothing.



ACT 5: 43-22 Duke
Interview: I am living a dream. Somebody pinch my butt.

I am the best slow player you've ever seen.

Forensic science can't prove I sent photos of my dang 'ol penis!

Folks I am a simple man. Bingo!

20 points in one half. More like UNC-Godawful.

I do declare I shall now dunk.

OH SWEET MERCY! MILES PLUMLEE IS THE JESUS OF DUNKING!

A few halftime adjustments should do the trick.

This is anybody's game.


HALFTIME.








ACT 6: 53-32 Duke
Oh goodness, free throws give me night fevers.

Boy this is just bad luck.

Shucks I can't see the harm in it. Bingo!

Coach K's wife berates him in public.

Commercial: They are jeans, but also pajamas.



ACT 7: 65-38 Duke
Interview: I will pretend I liked Dean Smith

Interview: I will pretend I like Coach K.

This is anybody's game.

Gimme 2 steps and ill dunk with 2 hnds bitches whut.

I have dunked on yet another human.

WHAT BEAUTY! WHAT FORCE! MILES PLUMLEE MAKES ME WEEP!

Oh why in heck not. Bingo.

Commercial: Are you in the market for weird pillows?



ACT 8: 78-46 Duke
I made my wife change her name to Mickie.

Mama has finally given me permission to score.

Oh hooray this is fun! Bingo!

Another young fellow has scored upon me.

But I have atoned with a dunk shot.

I CAN ONLY GET ERECTIONS FROM MILES PLUMLEE DUNKS!

Greensboro is a lovely city.

I still wear my Duke jersey at night.

Commercial: Dr. Pepper is the true drink of Satan.



ACT 9: 87-53 Duke
I'm a little bit bored.

Would it be less boring with a...BINGO?

Eh.

Gimme 1 step and I'll dunk with 1 hnd bitches stfu.

I am now talking about my wife's birthday.

Does your wife like...BINGO?

....yes.

I failed a dunk and I'll surely be grounded.

Commercial: OOMA wants you to be happy.



ACT 10: 99-53 Duke
The 100th point is all mine, damn your eyes.

Gosh if a few bounces went our way we'd be right back in this thing.

This is anybody's game.

Papa told me I'm allowed to dunk!

No erection.

Do you get an erection from...BINGO?

No.

OH GOD A FREE THROW THE TERROR THE TERROR!

108-62. I've done it.

Well, HOOEY. Hoeey and baloney, I say.

I can't stop smiling. Ever.

Coach, talk to us about Miles Plumlee. In great detail.

The Coach K-Mike Dement debate rages on.

HOT POTATO

Interestingly enough, my throat was scalded yesterday when I tried to swallow a certain food item and its accompanying gravy a bit too quickly. I stood up from the table, shouted an obscenity, and grimaced while it cooled off. No permanent damage, but I bet you can guess what it was. That's right...

A HOT POTATO.

You'll have to trust me that the potato in that picture is scalding.

(In case anyone is curious, this is a simple game where people pick the points scored by a given player chosen by me before a Duke game. The difference between their pick and the actual points scored is their total for the day. Low score is better. If anyone misses a game, they get the average score of that game plus 3. If anyone hits the nail on the head, they get a -3 bonus. People can join at any time since we use an average rather than a total. You can view the current standings at the bottom of this post.)

The Hot Potato for Duke vs. UNC-Greensboro is:


Nolan Smith
Submit your picks by game time, and we'll all get rowdy.

-What's got two thumbs and is now 10-1 picking bowl games? This guy. (Looks down, remembers my tragic thumb accident, blushes furiously.) I nailed NC State over West Virginia and Iowa over Missouri last night (both upsets), and today I've got ECU over Maryland, Baylor over Illinois, and Arizona over Oklahoma State. Take note, gamblers.

-Remember all the shit I was talking yesterday about being awesome at Dance Central on Kinect? Well, I bought the game around 3pm, brought it home, set it up, and proceeded to get whupped by my mom. It was like she had practiced beforehand. My dancing ego took a serious hit. At the same time, my girlfriend took a 3 games to 2 lead on me in our Scrabble series. I'm getting defeated by females left and right this vacation.

-Teixeira says Andy Pettitte is going to retire. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it looks like Robinson Cano will have to pitch for us this year.

-Kim Jong-Il is very pleased that amazing Harrison Barnes scored excellent 9 points to defeat mighty Rutgers.

-The Cuse is still undefeated. I'm seeing them play Notre Dame on the 1st. Woo.

-Wisconsin defended their house against Minnesota in a top-25 match-up. My stepfather told me he won't root for Minnesota because of this incident:


I had no idea this happened. Absolutely brutal. According to Wikipedia, this is when the NCAA banned pre-game dunks when refs aren't present.

-I'm not totally clear on the math, but does Philadelphia's loss last night mean that Chicago can rest their starters against Green Bay? They definitely get a bye no matter what, but I think they still might be playing for homefield advantage throughout. If not, that screws the already-pretty-screwed Giants, who need the Packers to lose.

-On the topic of tonight's game, UNC-Greensboro is 0-11. Duke is 11-0. I really don't need to say more, I guess. I'll be watching Seth Curry run the point to see if that's a viable option, and it'd be nice to see Miles Plumlee get on track. Other than that, I'm just glad a brutal December is almost over. ACC play begins with Miami on January 2!

That's it for today. Have a strong Wednesday, and be smart with your decisions. GO DUKE!

Limping (or DANCING?) into the New Year

In case you guys haven't noticed, I've been skimping a bit on the blog posts lately. I'm on vacation, and for whatever reason I find it hard to go to sleep before like 2am or to wake up before 11. In real life, I'm a boring old man, and I would find that routine horrifying. But the fact of the matter is I turn into a slug on vacation. The sheer amount of food I'm ingesting, for instance, is disgusting. It would make Rex Ryan blush, and he does foot fetish videos with his wife. It takes a lot to make the dude blush. All in all, I've become a complete waste of life. Hence the ten-point list blog posts.

Don't get me wrong; I enjoy vacation. There's a lot to be said for watching sports non-stop and doing mindless activities like playing with a yo-yo. (My yo-yo nickname, if I ever perform in schools, is Yo-Yo Pa. My music is "Your Love" by The Outfield.) And it's good to see family. But it won't break my heart to head home in a week or so and get my life back together. Sad truth of life: being lazy kinda sucks after a while.

Here's the good news: I'm getting an X-Box Kinect today. I haven't played video games in years, but I was at my friend Kyle's place last weekend and he introduced me to Dance Central. This is a game where a person on screen does all these dance moves, and you have to mimic them to score points. Somehow, a camera on the kinect can tell if you're doing it right or screwing up. You have practice sessions, and then you have to do an entire dance routine. I don't know how it sounds from that description; probably awful. But trust me, it is absolutely amazing.

Disclaimer: I'm an awful dancer. Which is sad, because I'm not one of those people who hates dancing. It looks like a lot of fun, and if I get pretty drunk I'll put my inhibitions aside and take a crack. But the minute I start moving, it's an immediate shot of awkward. I was at a party a couple weeks ago and started sort of bobbing to the music, and my "friend" Stephanie saw me. "Oh my God!" she said. "You are a terrible dancer." Then she turned everyone's attention to me and demanded that I dance so they could see how bad I was.

And then I did a dance so artistic, so beautiful, that it made them weep for pure joy.

No. I slinked over to the wall and said bad words to Stephanie. That little vignette gives you an idea of my dancing prowess. But for whatever reason, I'm pretty awesome at Dance Central. I scored like 8 times the points that Kyle and his friend managed (to be fair, they were really, really bad), and at the end everyone cheered the dancer on screen while she did backflips and pumped her fist. Those people respect me.

I still don't look good, mind you...if I ever pulled any of this crap in a club, I'd be a laughingstock. But I do have rhythm, and can execute the moves with, dare I say, a bit of flourish. It's entirely pathetic to watch, but intensely gratifying to me. THE HEART OF A DANCER LIVES WITHIN ME!


(That silent sound you hear is my family abandoning me for good.)

So that's on the docket for today. I imagine the rest of my vacation will be spent perfecting the moves to "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. If I get really good, I might introduce a yo-yo into the act.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Just for context, I guess. And now it's back to your regularly-scheduled Ten Thangs.

1. Pitt looks pretty good. They're big and physical, as usual, and they're a holy terror at home. This puts the UConn wins over Michigan State and Kentucky into perspective, at least a little. They're certainly a top-25 team, but I think Pitt showed they don't belong in the top 10.

If Duke (sans Irving) played Pitt, I think it'd be a really excellent game. Pitt's weakness is their guard play, and Duke would turn them over a whole lot. But they'd murder us inside. It'd be a nice battle of opposite strengths.

2. New Orleans is awesome. To get a win in Atlanta, even after Brees' two interception mistakes, is pretty impressive. With the way their defense seems to be peaking, the Saints are my pick to make the Super Bowl out of the NFC. And I expect they'll face the Patriots, which would be an amazing game. Here's hoping.

By the way, I bet Brees is a sick basketball player. He had one weird wrap-around pass behind a defender's back when he was about to get sacked that could have been on an And-1 Mix Tape. You can see it at about the 1.40 mark of the highlights in the ESPN story linked above.

3. ESPN Headline: "Paterno Family Condemns Health Rumors as 'Lies'"

Is it me, or does that make him sound a lot like Fidel Castro? There's the same legendary quality, the same constant health issues that are denied by family and close friends, and the same endless speculation. In fact, here's the first couple paragraphs of that story, with certain nouns changed to be more Castro-centric.

Cuba President Fidel Castro's wife dismissed as "lies" speculation that her husband's health would serve as a reason for him to resign from the job he has held for 44 years.

"Who started the crazy rumors?" Dalia Castro said, as quoted by website VivaCuba.com. "He's fine. No one has to identify who starts it. We don't even know where it starts."

She was referring to Internet reports asserting that Castro's health is failing and that the Cuba President would step down after Saturday's El Dia de La Independencia speech in Havana.

She emphatically squelched speculation that his resignation is imminent, saying: "It's just lies."

"I mean, he's [supposedly] in the hospital when he's sitting at the table for dinner. He wasn't even near the hospital," she told VivaCuba.com on Monday at the Liga de Mujeres Cubanas Ladies Luncheon in Guantanamo.

Daughter Alexis Castro-Soto, for her part, also denied the rumors, firmly ruling out suggestions that her father might resign for health reasons.

Asked whether he planned to call it quits after El Dia de la Independencia, she said: "It is not his planned last speech."

The prosecution rests.

4. I liked this quote from Shaq's rant about a 'control freak' ref:

"They [fans] paid all that money to watch No. 26 play. If I was a fan, I would be pissed. You pay all that money for good seats, you have two of the best guys in the [NBA] sitting on the bench, out of the game. That is what happens when you have control freaks out there."

Errr, ummm...Shaq? Hey, it's me, the NBA PR guy. Bad news...you know how you said you and Dwight Howard were two of the best players in the game? Yeah, well...no, no, this isn't about Dwight. He's fine. We love Dwight. He's the best...it's just, uh...

5. This article is an absolute gem, as you can tell from the title: "Gov.: Eagles shift shows U.S. 'nation of wusses'"

It basically amounts to Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell going off about how Americans are a bunch of scaredy-cats because the Vikings-Eagles game was postponed when there wasn't that much snow on the ground. There's a lot of good stuff, but this is the money quote:

"We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything," Rendell added. "If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."

When reached for reaction, the Chinese said, "come on, did you have to throw in the calculus bit at the end there?" Then Ed Rendell was like, "well what's that big lump in your pocket?" and the Chinese were like, "what are you talking about?" and Ed Rendell was like, "it's a graphing calculator, isn't it?" and the Chinese were all like, "no," and Ed Rendell was like, "then what is it?" and the Chinese were all, "it's a...cool...video game," and Ed Rendell was like, "oh nice, then I'm sure you don't mind showing us," and the Chinese were all like, "you know what, fuck you, dude," and they turned around and walked home through 9 feet of snow.

Seriously, though, nice job propagating stereotypes, Governor Rendell. But he's right about one thing; the Chinese government would not allow a postponement. These are the same people who can prevent rain and who do weird elaborate Olympic opening ceremonies that people get paralyzed training for and who take children away from their parents when they are very young so they can be experts at pistol shooting or synchronized diving. So yes, I agree that snowfall would not have delayed a sporting event there. But that's not necessarily a knock on us, Gov.

Okay, today's ten thangs are actually five thangs. Stop in tomorrow for the Hot Potato. As a reminder, here are the standings:


See you then!

To the Point: They Must Go

1. Rarely do you see a defining test for a football coach. There are accumulations of bad or redeeming moments, but there's rarely one instance you can point at and say, "this is where he proves whether he should stay or go."

2. Recovering from the Philadelphia embarrassment was exactly that test for Tom Coughlin. With a win over Green Bay, the Giants could make the playoffs and immediately erase the bad memories. And we've seen them make strange things happen in the playoffs.

3. Instead, we got another embarrassment. Whatever Coughlin and his staff did, it went no distance to erasing the psychological wounds from the Eagle comeback. Instead, it was a repeat of last year's collapse, and an echo of the ugly playoff loss two years ago.

4. In the end, Coughlin has a record of failure in the playoffs. The Giants have either missed the playoffs or lost in the first round every year that he's been coach, except for one. And that's where it gets awkward, because in 2007 the Giants went on an absurd run and won an improbable Super Bowl against the Patriots. I still don't know how this happened. It was a little miracle diamond encased deep within the snow in an ice age. There was luck and great defense and etc. involved. I credit Steve Spagnuolo, mostly. The offense was cautious enough not to screw things up, but that's about it.

5. But one Super Bowl does not immunize a coach. Especially when all indications point to him getting very, very lucky for that one win. Let's look at Coughlin's record in Jacksonville. He took the Jaguars, an expansion team, to two AFC title games in his first 5 years. They lost both, but it was impressive nonetheless. But in his last 3 years, he went 19-29, and he got fired.

6. So Coughlin seems to fade after initial success, and we're seeing that now. It's time to cut him off. Hire Cowher or hire someone else, but Coughlin needs to go. He has nothing to offer except more embarrassment.

7. And fire Eli Manning with him. He's going to finish with his lowest passer rating since 2007, and he will lead the league in interceptions. Yes, he threw 30 touchdowns. Great. His bad decisions utterly eclipsed that number. He's getting worse as a quarterback. His trajectory isn't too much different from Coughlin's.

8. Also, have you ever seen a professional quarterback who couldn't throw a spiral? It's unbelievable.

9. Together, Coughlin and Manning led us to a Super Bowl. But they can't even lead us to the playoffs anymore. They can't even lead us to any respect.

10. It's over. Time to rebuild. We'll always have 2007-08. We'll always have Belichick stomping off the field. We'll always have Tyree's catch and Plaxico's touchdown. It was great. Thanks forever. Now it's time to say goodbye.

THE HOLIDAY APPROACHETH

The promised day has almost come: the 25th of December, when I receive many presents from my family and offer books in return. One good thing about being back in graduate school and earning almost no money is that you have an excuse to really cheap out on Christmas gifts. And believe me, that's the only good thing. In all other aspects of life, it's a rough go. The stipend I'm given is just enough to erase the pity you give people who earn no money, but low enough that it leaves you open to ridicule. Seriously, ask someone how much money they earn in a year. If they say none, you feel bad. If they say $14,000, you try to stifle a laugh.

But Christmas is where I get my revenge. I'm allowed to give my 18 year-old brother a used Where's Waldo book, endure his fake appreciation, and bask in the glow of my life situation. Later, there will be hushed conversations about my financial stability. Older women will frown at my circumstances. Meanwhile, I'll walk in from the other room wearing jean shorts, holding a bottle of wine and saying, "how do you open one of these things?"

And now that I've told you how much money I make, it's time for Ten Thangs.


1. Guys, I'm still undefeated in my bowl picks. Last night, San Diego State beat Navy handily, and I'm 6-0. My bowl pool has 43 players, and I'm one of only 5 who still has an unblemished record. Does this make me a guru? I don't know, but it's getting eerie how much I know about sports. Am I one of those savants who intuitively knows exactly who will win every sporting game ever? Will they be making a movie about me?

Probably 'yes' to all of the above. Before I become famous, though, you can benefit from my knowledge. Tonight I have Hawaii over Tulsa, and I have Florida International over Toledo on Sunday. If you make more than $14,000 a year, I suggest putting most of it on those teams.

2. Does it annoy anyone else how conservative all the service academies are in football? Army is the worst, but Navy's option offense severely annoys me. Announcers always bend over backward to talk about how disciplined these teams are, but what does that matter if they run the same 3 plays over and over again? A lot of people in my pool picked Navy, but I had not forgotten something very important: they lost to Duke earlier this season. I also didn't think they looked that great against Army, but I was certainly not picking a team who got beat by Duke.

Back on topic: it worries me that there's no creativity in the Army or Navy offense. Does this extend to wars as well? Is this why we keep losing? Should we make Bill Belichick and Nick Saban army generals? (Actually, does anyone out there doubt that Belichick would be the best army general ever? I would be scared shitless to fight in a war in the first place, but if Belichick was the opposing general I'd just send him a polite note asking him what injuries he'd like me to inflict on myself in lieu of dying.) I guess Air Force has kind of a creative offense, and their branch of the military is also the most creative; they fly planes! Of course you have to give them some individual control.

The theory slowly emerging here is that if Army and Navy used a little innovation in their football, perhaps their military might would also increase. Somebody present this to Obama. Speaking of this idea, here's an awesome Onion article from 2007.

3. Holy crap, Georgetown looks good. They took Memphis out to the old rail yard and made them drink a gallon of moonshine by the ticket shack. Freeman was awesome as usual, but I was almost more impressed with Julian Vaughan, the senior forward. He showed some real touch underneath, and he got aggressive when needed too. I'd die to have a player like that on Duke. Wait, not me...Miles Plumlee. (Just kidding! Christmas spirit for everyone!)

4. Baylor lost! These words will continue to make me happy after I learned to hate that team like no other in last year's elite 8. I hate Quincy Acy almost as much as I hate Kevin Garnett. I'm convinced the two are involved in some sort of mentor-apprentice relationship.

Also, this is the second big upset by a Pac-10 team this week. Is something going out west we should know about? Should I post a picture of UCLA cheerleaders? What?


5. Some questions for the law friends who read this blog. The guy who killed Nick Adenhart in a hit-and-run drunk driving accident was sentenced to 51 to life this week. I understand that what he did was horrible, but A) is that a normal sentence? B) Would it have been similar if he didn't try to run away? C) Would this have been the same if he hadn't killed someone famous? D) In drunk driving, does it matter that he killed 3 people instead of 1?

Obviously I'm not trying to take the guy's side or anything, and what he did was awful, but 51 years to life seemed like an amazingly long sentence, especially if the prison system is supposed to rehabilitate rather than punish.

6. This article on ESPN's MLB cannot be serious. Jayson Stark cannot be serious. It's supposed to be a 'strange but true' type piece about weird things that happened in baseball this year. Behold his first example:

It involves our man Ichiro Suzuki.

He got the most hits in the American League last season. No shocker there.

Yet he still, somehow, scored fewer runs than the man who got the fewest hits in the National League (among players who qualified for the batting title).

Seriously.

It makes no sense, but it's a 100 percent true fact. Here. See for yourself:

Ichiro: 74 runs, 214 hits
Mark Reynolds: 79 runs, 99 hits

Is baseball the Strangest But Truest sport ever invented, or what?

Spike, if you're reading this, please tell me I've gone insane and I'm hallucinating. NO EXPLANATION?

Dear Jayson Stark: there are two basic ways to score runs in baseball. Ignoring weird error sequences and balks by the defense, you can A) hit a home run, or B) have your teammates advance you to home plate with hits or walks.

B is far more common, especially for a guy like Ichiro who doesn't hit many home runs. Which means that to score runs, you rely on the hitting prowess of your teammates. I know you're a baseball guy, Jayson, since you write about it for a living, so you may have noticed that Seattle's offense this season was historically bad.

Hmmm...dependence on teammates...horrible, horrible teammates...is the crazy mystery of Ichiro's low run total starting to unravel for you? Are the enigmatic stats beginning to merge and clarify in the hazy space they occupy in your brain?

Unbelievable. This guy writes for ESPN. "Strange but true!" indeed.

7. On the other hand, there are some awesome sports writers around. Like Joe Posnanski, who delivered yet again with an awesome "32 Worst Sports Endings" column.

8. Well, this would be crazy.

9. Lebron said something that wasn't totally stupid! In this article, someone prompts him to talk about the possibility of NBA contraction (which probably won't happen), and he's in favor. So am I, actually. Even reducing the number of teams by 4 might make things even more interesting. Despite the resurgence of the NBA the past two seasons, there are still too many uninteresting teams. On the other hand, I'm sure the union would not be thrilled to see people put out of a job. And I doubt a lot of owners are clamoring to be pushed out. As long all cities involved can financially support a team, nobody's going to initiation contraction just to improve the product. But it's nice to think about.

10. God, I'm already nervous for the Giants-Packers game this weekend. After the disaster against Philadelphia, I'm one of the few positive voices among Giant fans I know. I still think our defense is very good, and I think we can make a playoff run. But we have to recover from whatever emotional trauma lingers after the Meadowlands Massacre. This weekend is everything. If we win, we're all but in, and our first round opponent will likely be Chicago (extremely winnable game) or Philadelphia again (REVENGE!).

I'm super excited. I think this is going to go our way. I pity Aaron Rodgers, if he plays. We'll make him taste the cold Lambeau turf early and often. Ditto for Matt Flynn if he wants to try his luck. I expect the Giants to come out pissed and ready. If they don't, and we get embarrassed, I want Coughlin gone. Maybe Eli too. Time to start over. But I've promised myself to hold off on the pessimism; I think they'll prove themselves on Sunday.

Speaking of the Giants: on Thanksgiving, my family and I went to the Jets-Bengals night game at the Meadowlands. The game itself was boring, but the tailgating was fun, and so were the comments I got from Jets fans for wearing Giants gear. For your holiday enjoyment, a picture of me, my girlfriend, and my mom is below (we're not giving the peace sign, it's a #2 for a reason far too complicated to explain). Enjoy your gifts, and have a happy Christmas.

The Thursday Joke Session

Today's Ten Thangs were written by a late night talk show joke writer from the 1950s.


1. Hey Folks, how you doing tonight? It's great to see everybody here in good spirits and good health. Well, for some of us I guess it's just good spirits. (points to fat guy in audience)


Hey, I'm just kidding sir. It's great to have you around, really. No, I mean it...I hate leftovers.


Let me tell ya, it's been a hell of a week in the world of sports. Yes sir, some real wild stuff going on out there. And speaking of our heavy friends, it looks like New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. He and his wife have apparently been making videos for years, and some internet sleuth finally tracked them down. But me? I say, 'big deal.' That's between a husband and a wife, and they're not hurting anybody, right? But I will say this...for a guy with a foot fetish, you'd think ole Rex would have found a better kicker than Nick Folk.


2. No, but I feel bad for Rex. Hey, so the guy likes feet. That's nothing. People have all kinds of strange body issues. I knew a guy once, a punter for the New York Giants named Matt Dodge...he hated brains.


3. I'll tell you one guy who doesn't need any brains, though. Tom Izzo. I mean, that guy could drive into a ditch, roll in his car, fall off a canyon, and land in the Final Four. I'm serious. Last night, though, he lost a non-conference game at home for the first time in 52 games. And it wasn't that close. Texas gave 'em a real whooping. It was pretty bad. I haven't seen a Texan do that much damage to industrial Michigan since the Bush family spent 12 years depriving the region of jobs and dignity.


4. Hey, whoa, sorry! Tough crowd on that one. Fair enough. Political humor isn't for everyone. But here's something we can all get behind: the Boise State Broncos. (Hold for applause.) They handled Utah pretty easily last night to win the MAACO bowl. And they did it on the road, which is good because a lot of people are criticizing Boise's blue field. They say it's harder to see the home team in their blue uniforms, and it can even be hard to see the ball. You know who else has a hard time seeing his balls? That guy. (points to fat guy).


5. No, I'm joking sir. Everybody's real happy to have you here. Especially the theater owners. I'm serious. They've been meaning to test the weight-bearing capacity of the floor for a while now.


6. Hey, you know who used to really throw their weight around? The New York Yankees. Not anymore, though. They lost Cliff Lee to the Phillies, and now there's talk that they might go after a familiar face- Johnny Damon. It's true. He might be back in pinstripes starting next season. I'm sure he's thrilled, but I called up Michael Vick to tell him the news the other day, and he wasn't sold. "I've been in pinstripes," he told me. "It's not that great."


7. Boy, did he hate dogs. Sick? Oh yeah, he was a sick man. But boy, can he run! You won't see many athletes like Michael Vick, no sir. He can do it all. He can run a quarterback draw, he can run the option, he can run a scramble, and he can run a golden retriever over with a pick-up truck if no one's looking.


8. Okay! Okay! I get it. We all love dogs. It's a sensitive issue. Don't get mad at me. I'm a big animal guy myself, actually. It's true. I mean, come on, my favorite basketball team is coached by a rat.


Seriously, though, Coach K is top notch. You might have seen where he just tied Dean Smith on the all-time wins list. The guy is truly the best. I mean, we haven't seen this kind of success from a Dukie since Napoleon got his rear end kicked all the way back to France by Arthur Wellesley, the 1st Duke of Wellington.


9. Hey, I'm just the messenger. Waterloo was something else, it really was. But that's nothing compared to this Ohio State tattoo scandal. Did you hear about this? These guys might all be banned because they supposedly traded their autographs for tattoos. My message to the Ohio State players would be, hey, those autographs are valuable. Don't waste them. You want a tattoo? I know a guy who'll give you a tattoo for half a pack of Hamburger Helper. (points to fat guy)


The bad news is, the tattoo is just a yellow smear from an old mustard packet. And you have to leave quick or he'll try to lick it off.


10. Speaking of sad sacks, did you folks hear that former Yankee pitching coach Dave Eiland just got hired by Tampa Bay? It's true. He's going to be a special assistant. Apparently Tampa took a hard look at their personnel, and decided they were lacking a creepy-looking guy to ruin their young pitching prospects.


Really, though, this one is mind-boggling. But good for Tampa. Good for them. And I don't just mean the team, I mean the whole city. It could be a real boost to their economy, especially the tourist trade. As of yesterday, watching Dave Eiland stare at the field became the third most exciting activity in the greater Tampa region, after collecting stamps and trying to sell your house.


Thank you all, you've been great! Drive home safely!

(Note: contrary to what I said yesterday, there will probably be a post tomorrow morning.)

HAPPY FURIOUS HOLIDAYS

Note for the blog's immediate future: there may be a post tomorrow, but there will definitely be none on Friday. Next week will be tough as well. I'll try to get something posted, or at least "there will be no post" type thing. I know how emotionally fragile most of my readers are, and I don't want to screw with their expectations during the holidays. Also, as you've probably noticed, I've been sleeping in a bit, so the posts are coming more around 11:30 than 10:00 or earlier. Fair warning.

Note for the blog's distant future: In 2025, this changes into an anti-Russian propaganda blog when they violate the 'New Canada Treaty' and invade Minnesota. Also, a really amazing sport called FutureBall, which uses parachutes and fire, is the only thing played in America.

Let's get to our Ten Thangs.

1. Here's my take on the whole "Happy Holidays" thing, by which I mean the necessity to say that phrase instead of something more specific: it's fine. Like a lot of people, the underlying PC-ness kind of annoys me, but in the grand scheme it's a pretty small concession. What really irks me is when you say Happy Holidays to someone, and they respond with a defiant "Merry Christmas. This happens quite a bit in the south and in the north country of New York where I grew up. Here's what they're actually saying:

A) I'm a badass Christian who's taking my country back from the liberals!
B) You're either a pussy Christian or some kind of Jew/Black/Muslim.
C) Both of those categories are bad.
D) I'm more interested in starting stupid fights on the holidays than being a good person.

It kind of reminds me of this guy in college who, when we were at any kind of game, would always reach to take people's hats off during the Star Spangled Banner if they forgot. I'm all for removing the hat. I get that it's a symbolic respect thing, and again, it's a small concession. But I also don't give a shit if someone either forgets to take their hat off or doesn't want to. This guy did it to me twice, and it turned into a near fight both times. Fuck off with your morals, I say. Now, whenever someone tells me to take my hat off during the anthem with anything less than politeness, I have this deep urge to say something like, "I served in Iraq, asshole, what have you ever done?" Which would be both confrontational and not true, and therefore a stupid thing to say. But just once, I would love to see them stutter and apologize. The point is, it's never soldiers or veterans pulling this crap; it's always self-righteous little prigs who go home later and eat peanut butter straight from the jar.

I'M SO ANGRY.

Okay, I'm calm. And who am I to pretend I've never eaten peanut butter straight from the jar? But the defiant 'Merry Christmas' business has happened enough that it's become a thing, and I'd like to see it stop. So I figured I'd use the highly visible and influential forum of this blog to put an end to it for good. You're welcome, America.

2. On a related note, I had a perfect opportunity to make fun of my stepfather Tom yesterday afternoon. He's what I call a reasonable conservative, but ever year, FoxNews starts their 'War on Christmas' bit where they show different things happening around the country that supposedly amount to a unified liberal campaign to end the holiday once and for all. They'll always show some mayor in New Mexico who refused to put up a town Christmas tree, or something, and everybody gets riled up.

Yesterday, they had a guy from the American Atheist's Union, or some similarly named organization, talking about how Christmas trees are offensive to non-Christians and should be banned. I think he wanted them banned everywhere, not just in public. Obviously he was a fringe wacko type guy, but Fox News was taking the angle that this was the secret desire of liberals everywhere. When I came downstairs, Tom was literally shouting back at the kitchen television.

I can't remember everything I said during the 3-minute badgering session, but "they're reeling you in like a fish" and "they're playing you like a fiddle" were two of them. Finally, I got him to laugh and concede. But then I walked away and he started yelling at the tv again.

3. I finally found the perfect video representation for the way Duke's been treating opponents this year:


4. With Louisville's narrow win in the "Beef O'Brady's" Bowl, I'm now 4-0 picking bowl games. At this point last year, I was probably 0-4. Anyway, this proves that I know sports better than anyone, so I'll continue to delight audiences with my picks. Tonight, Boise State will kill Utah.

5. Sad, existential Eli. A symbol of lonely man expressing himself to no one. (This video would have been a lot better without the idiot shouting in the background.)

6. The Yankees got hit with their lowest luxury tax since 2003! This just proves, once again, that the Yankees are the team of the common man.

7. I know I'm a little late with this one, but driving up to my brothers' basketball game last night, I was finally able to listen to "Write About Love," the new album from my favorite band, Belle & Sebastian. And man, it was awesome. It's been five years since their last release, and it was starting to look like their best days were behind them. This, happily, is not the case. The songwriting is really mature and awesome, the melodies are as great as ever, and the lyrics are A++. I listened thrice, and liked it more each time. Here's the opening track. It's got that typical Belle & Sebastian combination of awkwardness and excellence.


8. What other good movies are out there? December is when I usually start making up for lost time and try to see the good stuff that they always release as late as possible so it's fresh in the minds of the awards voting population. "True Grit" is on the list, but I've basically paid no attention otherwise and am very open to suggestions.

9. The UConn women's team has now won 89 straight games, eclipsing John Wooden's UCLA team. This will sound strange, but as a little kid I used to like watching the women's Final Four. There was this one guard from Stanford I was totally in love with. I can't remember her name, but I'm pretty sure they lost in the finals and I was disappointed. Gradually I stopped watching any women's sports except during the Olympics.

Now, though, my sister is an amazing basketball prodigy. She's leading her league in scoring as an 8th grader on the varsity, which is ridiculous, and she's already getting letters from colleges. I saw her play for the first time this year last week, and she scored 27 points in a loss. And let me tell you: she's awesome and really fun to watch. I fully expect to be seeing her on tv some days. So consider me a supporter of women's hoops. Anyway: Well done, UConn. Wooden kinda sounds like a jerk anyway.

10. Watch out for USC basketball. They took down Tennessee on the road yesterday, and they lost by 2 to Kansas (also on the road) a few days ago. They're led by Kevin O'Neill, a good coach who has been at every single school in the country. Or close to it. The actual Division 1 list is Marquette, Tennesee, Northwestern, and Arizona. But he also coached the Raptors for a season in the NBA, and he started his career at North Country Community College, in my home town of Saranac Lake, NY. I've always enjoyed seeing him end up in new places, and in the back of my mind I always root for him because of the SL connection. USC will likely be ranked in the next poll. It's about time the Pac-10 had a decent team.

I leave you with this, my friends. I'll probably see you tomorrow. If not, have an ANGRY MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS.

The Tuesday Thangs

We're doing up the ten thangs today. And just like those HILARIOUS Budweiser ads, I say...

Heeeerreee we go!

Why are beer ads so crappy, seriously? Can someone pay me to write a beer ad? I won't do a good job, but it'll still be better than the formulaic crap on tv. I probably wouldn't be so pissed about it if every single ad during a sports game wasn't a beer ad. That, or a Jared ad, which might even be worse.

Anyway, here's my first idea for a beer ad, don't steal it:

A guy is walking by himself on the side of a highway. The sky is gray, and there's a lot of garbage strewn about everywhere. A car comes too close to him and the kind of darts to the side. The camera zooms in, and it shows that he's been crying. He's not crying anymore, but there are streaks down his face where the tears fell only minutes ago. His clothes look really ratty, and you can see he's holding a cardboard sign. When the wind blows it up, you can briefly see the text in sloppy magic marker: "Will work for food." We zoom in even closer, and the man takes a photograph out of his pocket. We never see the face, but it's probably a wife or a son or daughter. This makes him start crying again.

He continues walking, and then he sees something on the side of the road. We don't know what it is, but he picks it up, and his face totally brightens. 'Oh my God!' he says. 'OH MY GOD! YES. THANK YOU! THANK YOU GOD!' He starts jumping around, dancing for joy. Finally, he holds up the object as if it's some kind of sacred idol. It is a can of Bud Light, unopened. At the end, the man opens and begins to drink, but then a car runs him over. The camera over his body rises, showing a increasing slice of urban decay.

Voice over: "Bud Light. The last thing you'll ever need."

What do you guys think?

I know this much: it's time for Ten Thangs.

1. As Jill pointed out in Yesterday's comments, the Duke Hot Potato seems to be cursed. Yesterday I chose Mason Plumlee, and he scored a grand total of 2 points in 16 minutes. But I don't believe in jinxes, and to me there's only one obvious answer: Coach K reads this blog, hates me, and purposefully doesn't play the guy I pick for Hot Potato out of spite. Think about it...Seth Curry scored 8, Young Threezy scored 2, and now Mason has 2. It cannot be coincidence!

Here are the standings:


A rough go for everyone. Spike, Jenni, Jason, and Jordan got the closest with a guess of 8. And Dylan, the guy who runs the spreadsheet, is mysteriously still in the lead. I mean...not to start rumors, but does anybody trust this guy?

Oops, I just noticed that the real low score came from "Jacob the Destoryer," who had that typo in his battle name originally which Dylan and I both refuse to correct, presumably because we're assholes, even though Jacob himself corrected it in all subsequent comments. He guessed 7, for a score of 5. Total Desturction!

2. I loved and hated this comment from yesterday's post:

Laura: 12 points for Mason tonight, 1 million points to those treating Kyrie's toe, and 7 points the Giants wish they could have back after punting to Jackson.

Pretty much correct. And SERIOUSLY LAURA NOT COOL THAT GAME WAS SO HARD TO TAKE OMG. (huge hyperventilation fit)

And I just loved this comment, no hate at all:

Craig: Plumlee "the Lesser" goes for 15 tonight.

There was a time a few weeks ago when I thought the hilarious nicknames for Miles Plumlee might be all tapped out. Yesterday, we learned that is not the case. I love this one in particular because it's exactly what he'd be called if he lived in 15th century England.

3. Oh, and the game: Duke won 98-72 over the Elon Phoenix. Coach K tied Dean Smith on the all-time wins list. It's worth noting that it took him a few extra games to do it. His career record is now 879-279 (.759), while Smith finished at 879-254 (.776).

However, Coach K is different from Dean in that he had to build a program. Dean inherited a program that had won the past 3 ACC regular season championships. Duke, when Coach K arrived, had finished tied for the ACC title just once in 15 years. In two of his first three years at Duke, Coach K had 17 losses. By the third year, he was 24-10 and never looked back. Dean, on the other hand, inherited a strong program with a lot of tradition, and his worst year was 8-9.

So let's look at the other stats. Dean Smith coached for 36 years. Coach K is also in his 36th season, but only 31 of them have been at Duke.

National Titles

Coach K: 4
Dean Smith: 2

Final Four Appearances

Coach K: 11
Dean Smith: 11

NCAA Tournament Record:

Coach K: 72-22 (.766)
Dean Smith: 65-27 (.707)

ACC Tournament Championships:

Coach K: 12
Dean Smith: 13

ACC Regular Season Championships:

Coach K: 12
Dean Smith: 17

In all, the numbers show us that Dean Smith was a slightly better regular season coach, both in terms of record and ACC titles (Coach K has 5 fewer years in the ACC, so he'd have to win a regular season title each of the next 5 years just to tie him), but that Coach K is a superior tournament coach. He's won a higher percentage of ACC tourney titles (and will surely pass Smith in pure numbers by the time he was 36 ACC years), has a better NCAA record, and has doubled Smith's national championships.

The number of Final Four appearances to national titles ratio is pretty interesting. A random coach could be expected to win one out of every four, for a 25% winning rate. Dean Smith went 2 for 11, for 18%. Coach K is now 4 for 11, for 36%. That Smith number is surprisingly low, especially when you consider that he needed a Michael Jordan shot and a Chris Webber timeout flub to win his two titles. He could easily have zero. And yeah, I understand that everybody needs a little luck to win a title, but I'd be curious to know if any Duke or UNC fans out there have a theory as to Smith's relative lack of success (relative to himself, that is) coaching under pressure.

4. I had to watch yesterday's game on Justin.tv, which streams all kinds of sporting events in really poor quality. It was barely, and I mean just barely, better than not watching. At one point I considered just using a radio stream. The players were blobs, and the video was so jumpy that it was like watching stop-motion animation. So bear that in mind when I give my "analysis" of what went down.

First, credit to Nolan, Baby Dawk, and Singler. Nolan was lights-out from the field, Threezy continues to be solid, and Kyle kept getting to the line. Those three were unstoppable forces, as far as I could tell. Ryan Kelly looked pretty good too, although I still don't see him as strong enough to be a huge factor against better teams. He's still developing, and while he can put up nice numbers against the Elons of the world, I'm not sure he'll be able to duplicate that even in the ACC.

I couldn't help but notice that Coach K gave Miles 28 minutes of playing time and started Seth Curry. He's clearly trying to get these guys in the flow in no-risk December situations, desperately hoping they can contribute by the time we're in our ACC schedule. Miles looked okay, I guess. Better than he has yet this season. Still, there are so many dumb fouls, so many missed opportunities, and so many frustrating displays of awkwardness, that I really find it tough to be optimistic.

Seth Curry started off slow, but he started to show something toward the end. He ran the point decently, a la Scheyer, without much flash with but good reliability for a back-up (only one turnover). But up to now, at least, he's nowhere near the scoring threat anybody thought he'd be. The coaches have to be pretty disappointed, and I know the fans are.

Other than that, not much to say. The team defense in the first half was great, when Elon scored 31, but more disappointing in the second half, when they had 41. This is the first time all year the disparity has been that heavily in favor of the first half. In my mind, that's the difference between Kyrie and no Kyrie. The defensive pressure he puts on opposing guards wears them down consistently, and that takes its toll by the second half. Without his defense on the court, we're not as formidable on that end of the floor.

5. The last paragraph of the ESPN story is this:

Krzyzewski said Irving recently met with a specialist and the team is getting updates on his condition roughly every 10 days, but he again said "it'll be a long time" before Irving can return -- if at all -- this season.

Bleh.

6. So I've given in to the hooplah and started reading Stieg Larsson's "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." So far, I have to say, it's pretty awesome. But I'm only about 30 pages in. Any opinions out there? Is this the rare pop culture flavor of the day that lives up to the hype?

7. What were the odds of Brett Favre getting hurt in yesterday's MNF game? Let's look at the situation.

1) He's 50 years old, or something.
2) Two weeks ago, he sprained his shoulder.
3) Last week, he couldn't play, ending a real long streak.
4) It was like 4 degrees last night.
5) They were playing on a field without heaters that was bound to be hard as a rock.

The result? Concussion. The most predictable concussion ever. This guy needs to leave the game pronto or he's going to be stuttering in a wheelchair by the time he's 55.

8. Syracuse is looking really, really good. Granted, they played a scrub last night, but the dudes are big, physical, and skilled. They had 34 assists on 39 baskets, which shows you how strong their passing game can be. We won't get to see them against good teams again until January, but based on what they've done already (specifically the MSU beat-down), I won't be surprised to see the Orange take the very tough Big East this year.

9. Have I mentioned that I'm a perfect 3-0 in picking bowl game so far this year? Tonight, Louisville faces Southern Miss, and I picked Louisville. Take that for exactly what it's worth: everything.

10. In this article about how Giants punter Matt Dodge still has "confidence," I loved this line:

Head coach Tom Coughlin said that he hadn't had "much discussion" with general manager Jerry Reese about bringing in another punter this week before the Giants face the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

"No, no...not much. Just a little. Just a little discussion about getting rid of him. But we're not going to do it the normal way, by just having a calm discussion in an office. No, we're going to release him the same way he lost the game for us: suddenly and inexplicably. The first time we punt on Sunday against Green Bay, the center will refuse to snap the ball. Then Justin Tuck is going to stand up from the line, walk back to Dodge, and just annihilate him. Then, when he's on top of him, we're going to have him say 'pack up your shit and go, Dodge. You're fucking fired.' Somehow, that seems appropriate."

That'll do for today. Here's a rare picture of Tom Coughlin not looking frustrated.

HOT POTATO, The Monstrosity at the Meadowlands

(This week's blogs are going to be pretty short ones with links and etc. No posts on Thursday or Friday.)

TEN THANGS
1. It's HOT POTATO time! Duke takes on Elon tonight, and it's time to make our picks.

(In case anyone is curious, this is a simple game where people pick the points scored by a given player chosen by me before a Duke game. The difference between their pick and the actual points scored is their total for the day. Low score is better. If anyone misses a game, they get the average score of that game plus 3. If anyone hits the nail on the head, they get a -3 bonus. People can join at any time since we use an average rather than a total. You can view the current standings here.)

The Hot Potato for Duke vs. Elon is:


Mason Plumlee
Make your picks in the comments below!

2. This happened. Unbelievable. Unconscionable. I wanted to kill the punter. It was just a complete disaster of a game, and at the very least it'll cost us a chance for a home playoff game. Instead of hosting Green Bay or someone like that in Jersey, we'll be traveling to Atlanta or Seattle. Great.

3. I liked this:


Thanks to Jill for the link. Still no word from Durham about his future, though.

4. Elon, huh? This will be interesting. We beat them in football, which does not bode well for their chances in anything. Unfortunately, I'm in New York and it won't be on local tv. Any of you internet buccaneers know how to find this one online?

5. From the annals of my stepfather's hopeless dalliances with computers: for the past 10 days, his status message on g-chat has been this:

Hey Jo. You there?

At first I was wondering if this was some kind of weird movie reference or joke or whatever. But no, it's not. It was simply him trying to send a message to someone named 'Jo,' and typing it in his status box instead of a chat box. That, to me, is absolutely delightful.

6. Hey, I'm 3-0 in picking bowl games! On Saturday, I correctly nailed BYU, Northern Illinois, and Troy. Last year I finished well under .500 both straight up and against the spread. Looks like my constant studying has finally paid off. Also, I sleep with a football. And a calculator. And a spelling bee trophy from fourth grade, but that's not important.

7. This was an awesome story about Zack Greinke by the great Joe Posnanski, written a couple days before he ended up with the Brewers. I'm still dying for his 32 Greatest Sports Books post, but I suppose that will have to wait.

8. As a huge fan of westerns and the Coen Brothers, I could not be more excited for this movie. If you take an actor's three best performances from the past 15 years, I'd be interested to see who compares with Bridges for awesomeness and variety in Lebowski, Crazy Heart, and this. And yes, I'm already assuming he's amazing in True Grit. And I'm sure there are several good answers for this, but I'll stack the Bridge against anyone.

9. I really enjoyed the Fayetteville Observer's three-part series on Coach K. Here's part one, part two, and part three. Nice writing by Dan Wiederer.

10. This is what people do in Burlington, Vermont the day after a party with a gingerbread castle contest:


and...


See you tomorrow. Happy 16th birthday to my younger brother, the dude they call Special K.