Smorgasboarding: Still a Legal Form of Torture

Unlike WATERBOARDING, that is.*

*Jokes always funnier when explained.

We've got a few things to cover today, and they're all a bit different, so let's begin with a player I love, segue to a player I hate, and then touch base with the most evil man in college basketball.


1. The Greatest "Heckle" Ever

Last night in the Australian Open, Rafa was playing a dude named Marcos Diaz Daniel. Daniel is a Brazilian, which means he can samba, seduce women, and have gang fights on mountaintops. However, he apparently cannot play tennis. Rafa won the first set 6-0, and only lost 4 points. One as on a double fault, and two were on forehand errors, which means that Daniel won exactly 1 point outright. That has to be some kind of record.

Daniel had a giant gauzy bandage over his left thigh, and he kept limping around everywhere. It wasn't clear why he was still playing. He'd eventually quit down 0-6 0-5, but I tuned in just as Rafa was taking a 1-0 lead in the second with a break at love. When the man going for the first grand slam in forty years walked out to serve his next game, there was a palpable quiet as the crowd considered the absurdity of the match. Daniel was limping and grimacing. Rafa looked embarrassed, like he wanted to be anywhere else. And then a man in the crowd committed an act of undiluted genius with a single shout:

"Hang in there, Rafa!"

Obviously, this brought the house down. Rafa was probably the only one who didn't crack a smile, either because his focus is too strong or he didn't understand, but the laughter poured down from the rest of the stadium and his serve had to be delayed.

That's something I've always wanted to do. The satisfaction of having an entire arena laugh at a comment must be totally awesome, and tennis is one of the few sports where it's possible. There has to be something approaching total quiet, which is impossible in most major sports. So kudos to that guy.


2. Remember Ryan Sidney?

I do. He played for Boston College and looked like this:


Sorry for the tiny picture. There weren't many available, and I'm still one of those sad people without PhotoShop.

Anyway, Ryan Sideny was a douche, like everyone else who played for Boston College. He was with Craig Smith and Troy Bell. He only played two years, but we faced his team on the road in '01-'02, and won 88-78. Sidney had 10 points, and the game was closer than the final score indicated. I remember really being annoyed with him, with the way he wore his headband low and his cocky attitude and everything else. Boston College is not my favorite collection of humanity.

One guy I do like from BC, though, my friend Adam, sent me a link from an interview with Sideny from November 2009. Not exactly fresh, but he had some quotes about Duke that were pretty hilarious, and gives you an idea about what people think of our teams. Here's the interview, and here's the money quotes:

Q: When you were playing did you hate Duke as much as the rest of the country?

A: NO. Never hated them. They were just a bunch of girl scouts with a name. In most situations they were punked and pushed around., Just after a while the refs realized people didn't care about the name so to they had to protect those fruits for the most part.

I never really expected 'fruits' to be part of Ryan Sidney's vocabulary. But I'm pleased to be wrong. That led me on a quick research trail, and I found this article about the end of Sidney's time at BC. It was very well-written and interesting (apparently he kept a friend from being killed and got booted for it, at least according to him), but oh man, Ryan Sidney is a quote machine. He constantly comes up with these weird metaphors or turns of phrase and takes them all the way to completion. Here were my favorites:

A. They can say whatever they want," Sidney says of the negative press. "It's freedom of speech. I can't get mad at you for freedom of speech. But I can ask them, would you be willing to fight me? My dad always told me that when you can't agree on something, at that point, you must fight. I don't condone fighting, but I always say that if you're tougher than me, prove it. Nobody's ever been able to prove it. The proof is in the pudding, and if you've ever tasted the pudding, you know how good it is."

B. "You always wish you could change things, but the one thing I wouldn't change is where I'm at now," Sidney says. "I'm at peace and I'm getting it. My laugh is different. My walk is different; I walk more upright. I don't wear sweatpants all the time; I just wear khakis, mostly. Life has changed a lot. I'm still an A, no matter what happens."

C. "My life off the court was my life off the court," Sidney says. "It probably did affect some things I did on the court, but at the same time, my life off the court was me being who I was. I couldn't change who I was to fit a mold. I wasn't a cookie cutter; I was never a cookie cutter. I was never a pre-fit shape. You could take me out, put the dough out and cook me on the sheet, as long as you didn't change the ingredients. But the second you did … everything would go wrong."

The dude is a walking, laughing, khaki-wearing pudding pie. I'd love to see you try to put pudding khakis in a cookie cutter. I'd love to see you try.


3. The Toughest Part of my Job

As I've told some of you before, there were some money troubles here at SCSD! late last year. I was forced to look for outside investors, and the only that showed any interest was North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. I held out as long as possible, but I needed the money and eventually gave in. Part of the deal is that once in a while, I have to turn over blog space so Kim Jong-Il can talk about his favorite basketball team, the UNC Tar Heels.

Tonight, the Heels host Clemson at the Dean Dome. Kim Jong-Il offered me his extra ticket, but I hate sitting with the guy because he never shuts up. Also, he wanted to chare me more than face value, which is just typical. So I'm going to go with my girlfriend. But now it's time for a game preview. Keep in mind, all words that follow, including the title of the segment, are his. Also, he really hates Duke.


TALKIN' CAROLINA with KIM JONG-HEEL


Glory to ever Tar Heel on the planet Earth!

MAYBE HAVE YOU NOTICE I AM NOT INCLUDE ANOTHER TEAM WHOSE MENTION I AM NOT MAKE. HA AND HA, MR. BLUE DEVIL, YOU HAVE RECEIVE ZERO GLORY FROM ME! I AM KING OF ENTIRE PLANET AND I HAVE SHAME YOU IN FRONT OF THE FAMILY!

NOW WE HAVE JOKE TIME, HEY WHAT IS YOU CALLING DUKE FAN IN THE NORTH KOREA?

WORM EATING DOG!

You have read that peoples are also eating on worms in the North Korea Glorious Republic of the People, but see in my joke how I have called Duke person a dog? This is how the difference. Worm is healthiest food one can imagine for people.

For serious nobody at Duke can match terrible glory of HARRISON BARNES, SECOND GLORIOUS HUMAN ON WHOLE UNIVERSE, MAN OF 900% FIELD GOAL PERCENTAGE WHO SHOOTS DYNAMITE LASER FROM EYEBALL AND HAS ONE TIME DUNKED WITH HIS OWN PENIS. IT WAS BROADCAST ON STATE TELEVISION AND MADE MANY CELEBRATION IN PYONGYANG! THIRTY THOUSAND HAVE PERISHED FROM ETERNAL GLORY!

Once I have defeated every shark in ocean. The last one I rode on glorious wave to top of biggest guard tower in all North Korea, and it expired as I waved to the cheering masses. Since this glorious conquer every media story of shark attack is fake.

Now it is time for awards. I have given much great thought and deliberating. It is unthinkable that North Carolina receive less than 47 glorious national championship. Harrison Barnes shall replace 1,000 of North Korean citizen, who I shall make executed on this night. Roy Williams, already minister of torture, shall be promoted to hoarder of virgins.

AND FOR DUKE I AWARD NOTHING BUT LIGHTNING AND TERRIFIC STRENGTH OF MY STRONGEST HANDS ON YOUR NECK! I HAVE WRESTLED A HUMAN BEAR TWICE AND IT FINALLY BOWED TO THE GREAT STATE AND DECLARED EVERLASTING LOYALTY TO GLORIOUS REPUBLIC OF THE NORTH KOREA PEOPLE. THEN I HAVE EXECUTE IT THE NEXT MOMENT! I HAVE BECOME FRIGHTEN OF THE COLOR DARK BLUE!

Finally I must tell famous story of Harrison Barnes and the ninja. One Friday at 11 evening, Harrison Barnes meet greatest ninja in the land on mountaintop. Ninja is agent of The Inglorious Not People's Republic of Bad Korea. Harrison Barnes immediately can see it in his eyes. It is clear. He must make a three. HARRISON BARNES RIPS THE BASKETBALL FROM NINJA'S HANDS AND STUFFS IT IN RIM FROM THREE POINT LINE. WHOLE MOUNTAINTOP CRUMBLES ON NINJA AND THE GLORIOUS STATE IS SAVED!

I am immediately write incredible haiku as state poet:

Harrison Barnes okay
JJ Reddick is capitalist
why is ninja to fall?

Beautiful words.

Last I pose yet another riddle. What does you get when New Jersey Italian sends unglorious seducing daughter to North Carolina?

Easy- SHE IS PROSTITUTE FOR DUKE UNIVERSITY. SHAME ON HER AND ON ENTIRE AMERICAN COUNTRY EXCEPT FOR CHAPEL HILL. TONIGHT WE SHALL DEFEAT THE CLEMSON 8 MILLION POINTS TO ONE TEAR DROP. EXPECT FOR HARRISON BARNES TO FEED ENTIRE STADIUM WITH 8,000 SACKS OF GRAIN WHICH I HAVE TAKEN FROM THE PEOPLE AND MAILED TO HIM.


Yikes. As usual, I'm sorry to all my readers. And I'm especially sorry to the North Korean people whose grain he stole. I hope Harrison has room for all those sacks.


4. ACC Teams Hate the Road

It seemed to me like home teams were winning a ton of games in the ACC, so I checked this site for the stats. So far this season, ACC teams are 16-4 at home against other ACC teams, which seems pretty astounding to me. That includes 7 in a row. Here were the only four times a road team won:

Maryland 74, Wake Forest 55
North Carolina 62, Virginia 56
Boston College 79, Maryland 75
Virginia 57, Virginia Tech 54

And the only really surprising result there is Virginia taking down Tech. I'm not sure what to make of this trend yet. The only possible conclusion to draw is that the conference is so even that home court advantage means more than ever before. I don't have numbers for previous years, but I can't imagine the home winning rate is 80%. I'm interested to see how much this levels out over the course of the season.

It's a conference of means; by no means king of the road.