Yesterday was one of the stranger days of my young (unpaid) journalism career, gang. Here's the gist: I came to the UNC School of Journalism on an assistantship. My job is to work as a writer and editor in the Reese Felts newsroom, a brand new venture funded by a huge gift ($4.1 million) from the estate of a deceased alum. The school hired a guy named Monty Cook to run the show. Before coming to UNC, he was a senior vp and editor at The Baltimore Sun. Our site launched on November 1.
Over the past couple days, some strange rumors about Monty were swirling around the halls of the J-School. Yesterday, our dean called a meeting of newsroom staff and told us he'd resigned due to "improper conduct" with a female student.
Since we're a news organization, we had to cover it. I got to write the story. You can read it here.
Too bizarre. Believe me, I would love to editorialize the hell out of this, but it's probably not a good idea since I'm supposed to be respectable (ha!). Just know that the story is weird as hell, with a lot of strange elements, and I think it's going to blow up today.
Everything interesting can be found at that link, so let's move on...here's another article I wrote earlier this week for Reese Felts. This one is part 2 of a series about Hillside High's football team. The large Durham school completed their first undefeated season since 1943 two weeks ago, and now they're trying to win their first state championship. Vad Lee, the truly spectacular Hillside QB, is heading to Georgia Tech next year. The latest installment in the series covers their first playoff game. It's essay style, with some humor mixed in, so you might enjoy it more than your typical high school football recap. Check it out here.
It's been an absolute blast to cover these guys, and everyone from the coach to the principal to the players have been super. Can't wait for Friday.
I was reporting away at the newsroom last night, so I have no concept of what happened in sports. Instead of the super-insightful analysis you usually get, I'm going to go down the list of ESPN front page headlines and make stupid jokes. Then I'm going to explain the joke. This is a bold and original strategy, sure to light the comedy world on fire (and then put it out with one of those water-spraying flowers that clowns wear on their lapel).
Headline #1: "Man says he received Newton payment plan"
Joke: He was disappointed to learn that the plan was nothing more than a series of apples dropping on his head from a nearby tree.
Explanation: In a brilliant act of substitution, I am telling the audience that the 'Newton' in question is not Cam Newton, Auburn quarterback, but Sir Isaac Newton, the bitter old bastard who invented gravity.
Headline #2: "Woods says he's happier person now"
Joke: Happier, he says, than when he was 9 and his insane abusive dad forced him to play golf for 18 hours a day. But definitely not happier than when he was having sex with all those strange and beautiful women.
Explanation: From the headline, you assume that he's happier than when he was having sex with all those strange and beautiful women. I tell you that no, that is not the case. We all share a hearty laugh.
Headline #3: "Bosh's 35 points power Heat's rout of Suns"
Joke: A resentful Sun told reporters that if weren't for him, nobody would even know what Heat was.
Explanation: I personified the team's nicknames and created an interactive scenario based on their inherent qualities. This is largely due to the fact that I was neglected as a child.
Headline #4: Blazer's Oden (knee) out for year.
Joke: In a private meeting, Oden reportedly told teammates and family that he hates the nickname '(knee).'
Explanation: (knee) is the nature of the injury, not his nickname. GROW UP, BLOGGER.
Headline #5: "Source: Jeter, Yanks at odds on deal"
Joke: It seems Jeter wants a ton of money to be old and bad at baseball, while the Yankees are like 'man, this really, really sucks.'
Explanation: A flippant summary of what the story is about. As if I'm so fucking cool. I couldn't wear Derek Jeter's jock. (Seriously, I couldn't; he won't let me. His PR people block me at every turn, and you can't find anything on e-bay.)
Headline #6: "Sources: Marlins target starter with Uggla cash"
Joke: Uggla: "Man, why did I sign that contract that lets my team pay for other players with my money? STUPID! MOM WAS RIGHT, I SHOULD HAVE HIRED A LAWYER!"
Explanation: Total misrepresentation of the headline. This just barely beat a joke where I pretended that the Marlins in question were actual fish. Man, that one was depressing.
Headline #7: "Parker powers hot Spurs after divorce filing"
Joke: Was this an ESPN headline or some weirdo's pitch for a new fetish website?
Explanation: Seriously, this is really creepy.
Headline #8: "Favre's focus is on beating Packers"
Joke: His cell phone camera's focus, though, is still on "auto" so it can take accurate pictures of his penis.
Explanation: I don't know anything about cameras.
Headline #9: "Source: Saints' Bush plans to return Sunday"
Joke: America's Bush, meanwhile, plans to giggle idiotically at re-runs of the sitcom "Yes, Dear" that he keeps on VHS.
Explanation: I pander to a liberal audience.
Headline #10: "Rumors: Boston needs price on Upton to drop"
Joke: Luckily for them, there's a huge Upton bubble on the market right now, and it's about to burst. Soon you'll be able to get Uptons for pennies on the dollar.
Explanation: I don't know anything about markets.
If you read all 10 of those, I am so, so sorry. That's all for today, though. Pick Six on the way tomorrow plus some Duke-Colgate talk.
I would have been the smartest kid in my first grade class if not for Daniel. Which is a little like saying I could have been the best player on a mediocre high school basketball team if it wasn't for Michael Jordan. It wasn't close, because Daniel was a genius.
The word "genius" gets tossed around a lot, in aggravating and incorrect ways, but Daniel was the real deal. He was a skinny, pale kid who wore glasses and spoke very deliberately. He didn't have an athletic bone in his body, and he shied away from any sign of aggression or physical horseplay from other kids. He was the gentlest person you can imagine, but he wasn't the kind of kid you'd ever call Danny or Dan. Always Daniel.
I liked being around him, even though he prevented me from being the sharpest kid on the block. I always knew I was smarter than the average bear, but Daniel had something different. Everywhere I went, I could already sense I'd meet people who were smarter than me. If I didn't work hard, I'd fall behind. Not so for Daniel. He digested facts in a way that didn't seem human. One skim of a textbook, one encounter with any subject, and the content was embedded permanently in a powerful brain. If I didn't understand something about the planets or mathematics or how plants grew, I went to Daniel first and the teacher second. It amazed me that a mind like his could exist.
I invited Daniel over to my house to hang out one Saturday. We stayed inside on a beautiful fall afternoon, because Daniel wasn't the kind to go out exploring. After an hour or so, a group of my friends came over wanting to play football. They stood by my deck, holding the ball, watching Daniel with suspicion. They purposefully asked me and not him. To my credit, I tried to convince Daniel to play. But I might as well have asked a fish to take a bicycle ride.
It was such a perfect day for football. Sunny, a little chilly. It was easy, from where I stood with Daniel inside the house, to imagine catching and throwing passes, making tackles, diving around. The urge was almost overwhelming. "You have a choice to make," my mom told me. "You invited Daniel over." By her expression, the right choice was clear; no room for ambiguity, even in a first grade mind. The peer pressure and the allure of football were too much, though. I left Daniel in the house. Mom was silently furious.
Out on the field, my friends talked about how strange and different Daniel was. They explained his genius away as a kind of unfortunate disability. I found myself agreeing; it was a good way to rid myself of the guilt. I had invited him to play, after all. Why couldn't he be like the rest of us? Daniel pretended not to mind. My stepfather was building something on the deck and having trouble with the instructions. Daniel, all of 6 years old, helped him understand.
Karma: One of the kids I played football with was named Tommy. He was a mean son of a bitch, even when he was very young. He was two years older than me, and would become a high school football and basketball star. In middle school, we were playing football and I caught a long pass. He raced from behind and tackled me viciously, breaking my shoulder. "Quit being a pussy," he told me while I writhed on the ground. His voice was thick with disgust.
Daniel and I didn't hang out very much after that day, and he moved away before school ended for the summer. I didn't hear from him again. But in 8th grade, seven years later, I turned on the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee and there he was: Daniel in the flesh. Chubbier now, and smiling more, but the same kid. He finished in the top ten. Fifth, I think, though I can't find the results online. It was the year the crazy girl won by spelling 'euonym.'
I'm telling this story because I remembered him last night while Duke was looking listless in their beat-down of Miami (Oh). In class, Daniel needed special material. It wasn't enough to go along with the rest of us; he became easily bored and distracted. The teacher and the school had to find extra material to keep him engaged. He was brighter than the rest of us, but the true capacity of his intelligence wasn't yet known.
That's where the Devils stand as a team. Unlike past incarnations of the Durham 5, these guys aren't meant to be playing scrubs. They're already too good, and it's no longer productive. They were constantly trying to do too much last night, as though the promise of their talent needed to be fulfilled in a grand and breathtaking manner at every juncture. By trying to play the inspired game, they more often looked sloppy and out of control. Genius exists, but it's never forced.
I'm not going to bother grading the players. Kyrie Irving was a bit out of whack, Nolan and Seth Curry looked great, Dawkins was fine, Singler was off his game, and Ryan Kelly was so-so. Then there's the tale of two Plumlees. Mason was awkward and inconsistent, but rebounded well. He's big enough and good enough that we're stuck with him. Miles, on the other hand, has plainly lost Coach K's confidence. He went from starting to playing just 14 minutes in only the second game of the season. His star is fading, his trajectory is headed down. His role, I think, might end up even smaller than last season.
Over in Manhattan, Kansas, meanwhile, Frank Martin has amassed his usual collection of tough, punishing players. K-State wore down Virginia Tech, beating them handily despite early foul trouble on Pullen and spotty shooting. Martin paced the sideline like the unforgiving dictator he must be, his square head and square jaw set off by angry, brooding eyes. During games, he looks like someone who's a bit drunk and perpetually on the verge of beating his wife and kids for some perceived fault. When things are going well, he has that tyrannical half-smile, the expression of a man delighted with his own power and ready to mock and annihilate anyone who won't cower before him. When things are going poorly, his entire face is contorted in an inhuman bark, a show of force designed for fear and intimidation.
Tuesday night, if things go as planned, we'll play Kansas State in the finals of the CBE Classic mini-tournament. It'll be a clash of styles; free-flowing, energetic, dynamic basketball against a brutal, unsparing game conceived by a thug. It'll show whether this ethereal Duke team can handle the harsh realities of big-time basketball without pieces like Zoubek and Thomas who were specifically engineered to punish the other guy pre-emptively. Our physicality will not win us many games. We win by pure skill and endurance, and this is inevitably more difficult against muscle. Kansas State is a perfect test.
In the meantime, we face Colgate at home on Friday. Hopefully we can muster the concentration and motivation to play a complete game. Preparation and execution are key, even if the opposition leaves something to be desired. Ennui can become abiding; there's no such thing as an on/off switch for excellence, and even a genius has to eat.
First things first- Kyle Singler made a video, and it's awesome:
I found that one on Deadspin yesterday, and it led me to another great video. This one's from Mark Titus, a benchwarmer at Ohio State. Watch and love it:
He's got a great camera stare.
And since I'm piggybacking on their content, here's the Top 5 Plays from Duke-Princeton on DukeBluePlanet (watch in the Kyrie interviews toward the end for a brief and profound Nolan cameo), and here's video of Giants fans getting bloody and fist-fighting from Deadspin.
And how about Nolan Smith singing the national anthem? Anyone?
I love that he attempts trills and falsetto. Funny guy, that Nolan. I keep hearing there are other good Nolan videos out there, so let me know if you find any.
Quickly, going back to football, I have an opinion.
Opinion: There is now too much parity in the NFL.
It's no fun. Upsets and shockers are only entertaining when they're unexpected. But every game in the NFL now is like flipping a coin. It's maddening. How, for example, are the New York Jets only beating crappy teams by the skin of their teeth? How did New England get murdered by Cleveland and then own Pittsburgh? More to the point, how did the Giants, who everyone was calling the best team in the NFC, lose at home to the woeful Dallas Cowboys?
There's no rhyme or reason anymore. I sort of covered this a week ago, after the Giants played the perfect half of football and Eli stole Pete Carroll's wife, but it's worth repeating. The unpredictability is TOO DAMN HIGH. In Troy Aikman's words, the landscape of football changes drastically each week. In my words, the Giants could totally suck by Thanksgiving and it would surprise me. I hate it. Some would argue that it's a good thing, and certainly some level of vertical mobility is nice. But this is getting absurd; it's like randomness. I repeat: I hate it. I hate it so much that I'm rooting for the New England Patriots to go undefeated.
That will teach everyone a lesson.
Also: did the Redskins seriously offer McNabb 5 years and $78 million??? I know exactly nothing about offseason transactions and player value, and even I can tell this is absurd. Let's look at the facts:
1) McNabb is having his worst season since his rookie year. 2) He's already 49 years old. 3) He grumbles about how often he has to pee. 4) When kids hit a baseball into his yard, they don't even bother trying to get it back. 5) He still has a Jimmy Carter poster from college.
Silly.
Enough NFL. Tonight is a pretty great night in college basketball. It starts at 4pm with Virginia Tech and Kansas St. It'll give Duke fans a nice chance to scout an ACC opponent (the third best team in the league, if you believe the rankings) and a K-State team we'll probably play a week from tonight.
It'll also give us our first chance of the season to hate this blockhead:
Man, he pisses me off.
Then, at 7:30pm, the Dukies are back. This time we'll be taking on the undefeated RedHawks of Miami (Ohio). They'll be riding high after their narrow win against Towson, so hopefully we can catch them by surprise, race out to an early lead, and hold on in the second half.
Things I'm looking for:
1. A little grace from Miles.
2. Better defense from Mason, along with some actual post moves.
3. A sense of the system from Seth.
Okay, here's a game. I'm going to make up twelve nicknames for the twelve players on Duke's roster. They will be all new nicknames, in random order. See if you can guess which is which. They're all semi-descriptive, or can be gleaned from clues.
1. Lion-Eyes 2. Snowshoes Jr. (hint: Ole Snowshoes was a nickname of a special player last year) 3. Casey Sanders 4. The Slack-Jawed Slayer 5. The D.C. Rose 6. All Things Go 7. Gentle Jesus 8. Transfusion 9. Fresh Frederick 10. Young Threezy 11. Guy I Don't Know 12. King Cauliflower
Anyone gets all 12, I'll buy you a burger. Here's the roster if you need it.
Before we go, a couple Tuesday Girlfriend Moments that nobody cares about/everyone loves.
1. Yesterday, we were looking at my Duke poster from last season. She asked about some of the white-boy walk-ons, and I told her they never played. "I hate to say it," she said, "but I bet they're only on the team to raise the GPA."
I was sort of puzzled by this, so I asked her to explain. Turns out, she thought the NCAA measured eligibility by team GPA. So if you had one idiot on your team who could only manage a 1.0, you could just add a nerdy genius to balance it out. This idea made me laugh really hard. Can you imagine if it were true? Rick Pitino and John Calipari would spend half their time recruiting the brightest Asian dudes from the engineering department.
2. Without explanation, she came into the bedroom two nights ago with a faraway look on her face. She flopped on the bed, stared at the ceiling, and said, "I YouTubed too long. I saw too much."
Right now, I'm a little bit like the Duke offense at various points in the first half- psyched up, jittery, confident, and ready to run head-first into a brick wall. There may be a few turnovers in this post; that's a good thing. WE'RE HEEDLESS, BABY. DUKE BASKETBALL 2010-11: DANGEROUS, EVEN TO OURSELVES!
Okay, sorry...sorry Coach K. I'm chilling out. I promise. First things first- Duke scored 97 points against a team that gave up 53 per game last season. Lift-off didn't come immediately, but the rocketship was smoking and hissing from the very beginning. I am delighted by this quote from Coach K:
"We had too much energy on the offensive end in the first half. We just wanted it so badly that I think we screwed up about five fast breaks," Krzyzewski said. "We didn't attack the zone right because ... I don't know. We were a little bit whacked out with all the energy. In the second half, we combined energy and poise."
Seriously, when is the last time a Duke team was "whacked out with all the energy"?* I was in a live chat with the good folks at Crazie-Talk, and though Duke's sloppy first-half play kept Princeton within sniper's distance, I think we all realized the good guys were one click away from destruction mode. When it happened, starting at the end of the first half and continuing into the second, it was beautiful to watch.
*Answer: 1896, when Johan Applebaum electrified crowds with his reverse set-shot and Tyroleus "Deer Blood" MacKooning would often be ejected for biting other players.
The bottom line: We turned the ball over 14 times, played helter-skelter for almost an entire half, gave up a few easy back-door baskets, faced a team who tries to use up all 35 seconds of every shot clock, and still almost scored 100 points.
It was thrilling. The way the team moved and ran kept me at the edge of my seat up to the last second. If Duke can cohere and start to fire on all cylinders come January and February, the ceiling is absolutely a national championship. It will take some time, and there will be frustrations along the way, but the second half showed our capabilities. At our best, nobody can hang.
Let's grade it up:
Kyle Singler:A+. I wondered how he'd gel in a newer, faster offense, and the answer is 'perfectly.' He stayed within himself, picked his spots, and lifted the team when they needed a boost. He finished 7-10 from the floor, and he integrated seamlessly into a newer, speedier style. And I shouldn't have expected any less- he's the ultimate no-ego guy, as the NYTimes pointed out in an article yesterday.
“I just kind of feel like people get in trouble when they’re not themselves and they don’t act like who they really are as people and even as a basketball player.
“I’m not going to change as a basketball player,” he continued. “I’m going to act the same way I always acted, and I think people do respect that. I guess that might be a reason why I’m not that hated as a basketball player.”
On the record: anyone who hates Kyle Singler is a terrorist and a pedophile.
Nolan Smith:A. I mean...did you guys see some of those drives?? He was slicing and dicing like Jason Williams out there. You could almost sense his exuberance playing in the faster offense, too. Some of his early miscues were what I'm choosing to call 'optimism turnovers,' borne of an excited, the-possibilities-are-endless type of mindset. He had one pass to Singler, on a fast break, that had absolutely no chance of succeeding. It ended with Sing vaulting into the students, but it showed how much belief Nolan has in his team. Nothing is off limits. Nolan is even better than last year on the offensive end. It's almost frightening. I think this emotion I'm feeling is part fear. But it's the fun, anticipatory kind of fear, like just before you lose your virginity (uh-oh, getting weird, let's please move on).
Kyrie Irving:A-. He's everything I expected. No disrespect to the Schey-guy, one of my favorite Dukies of all time, but it is damnnnn nice to have a fast point guard again. It opens up entire realms of offensive potential. And good God, why didn't anyone tell me how sick he is on defense? He's like a little glove out there, and every point he conceded to his man was some prayer of a fadeaway jumper. Also: 9 assists in 25 minutes? We will effing take it. Ditto the 6-6 free throws. His shooting was a little off in the first half, but I think that can be chalked up to a dose of nerves. And it didn't really matter, since he utterly changed the complexion of our team. Kyrie Irving is the new truth. He's begging for a good nickname. What about "the Jersey Score"? (hold for applause) No? Not quite right? "Grease Lightning"? "Poach K"? I'll work on it.
Miles Plumlee:F. Plumblefuck the Elder looked lost out there. In this type of offense, a big man needs to be either a total brute enforcer (Zoubs and LT style) or fast enough to keep up. Miles is stuck in between, and he's basically useless. I mean, seriously: this guy is a junior, and he still can't make a basic move to the basket without traveling? Really, Miles? What have you possibly been doing all offseason? It was frustrating to watch, because he slowed us down. The best Duke 5 all game came in the 4-guard offense: Kyrie, Nolan, Kyle, Mason, and Dawkins/Curry. Which is cool, because it's fast and furious, but we sacrifice a lot in rebounding. It'd be nice to have 2 bigs you could count on to not totally fuck up the rhythm.
Mason Plumlee:D+. At least Plumblefuck the Younger has a chance to earn back his positive nickname: Plumdog Billionaire. He made a couple good passes and had one or two brief flares of athleticism. But again, it was mostly awkward. At some point over the offseason, I forgot how much I hate the Plumlees. I saw a clip here and there of them doing some cool dunk at a kid's basketball camp, and gradually my subconscious tricked me into believing they'd be fast cogs in the 10-11 Duke machine. Well, yesterday was a rude awakening, and an unfriendly snap back to reality. They're still the same goofballs, and we still lack a good big man. Mason took ill-advised shots, failed to rotate on defense, and committed at least two stupid fouls. Does anyone else get the sense that the Plumlees are the kind of guys who are content to get a few alley-oops and a few monster blocks without every really trying to improve?
Andre Dawkins: B+. He could start, as far as I'm concerned. I thought he came out looking aggressive and strong. I almost didn't recognize him from last season. And I still think he would have been a key ingredient for us even then if his season wasn't derailed by the awful car accident that killed his half sister. This year, he looks really great. Strong D, the same great shooting touch, and more confidence. Baby Dawk is shaking his rattles, world- he's got a case of the terrible twos!
Seth Curry:B-. The problem here will be reconciling his natural instincts- great shooter, residual one-on-one instincts from Liberty- with the needs of the system. Early in the game, he had a couple possessions where he played with an individual style that seemed out of place on the court. I think nerves played a part, but it's worth noting that in pressure situations he reverts to old habits. Later, after he calmed down, he showed exactly what he brings to the table- hot shooting, an ability to drive, and competent defense. I have big expectations here, but he'll definitely have to grow into his role over the season.
Ryan Kelly:B+. With him in the game instead of Mason Plumlee, you lose shot-blocking and some rebounding, but you gain speed and athleticism. It's an interesting trade-off. For short bursts, combining Kelly with Kyrie, Nolan, Kyle, and Dawk/Curry is a formula for electricity. I don't think it's sustainable over a long period, but I'm willing to be wrong. So, so willing.
Josh Hairston:B. Would like to see more, Coach K. What about he and Kelly as the starting bigs?
Team Defense:A-. A total swarm. Give us the honey! Bzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzz.
This was a nice, fast start to the season. With our guard rotation, we will give teams nightmares in the second half all season. We've got Miami (OH) tomorrow and Colgate Friday to gear up for a potential showdown with K-State next Tuesday. My enthusiasm level, hovering around 99 before the season, is now registering at 115.
The following is a work of propaganda. It should not be taken to reflect actual truths about the world or its history. This post is sponsored by the Duke Political Science Department.
PRINCETON:
WHERE EVIL RESIDES!
In 1649, an epidemic of witchery spread through the thirteen colonies. Its epicenter was in Salem, Massachusetts, and soon witches and warlocks from all across the young nation were making pilgrimmages to the innocent New England town. By 1653, over thirty thousand had congregated in Salem. On a blustery day in October, they met in the woods outside the town proper. A battle plan was drawn, and on Sunday, October 7th, while the rest of Salem was in church, they launched their attack.
What happened next was the first great test of the American experiment. Although the witches overran Salem in that first strike (U2 would later write the song "Bloody Sunday" about the massacre), President John Quincy Adams was quick to respond. He mobilized the Volunteer Infantry Unit (VIU) and ordered them to lay siege to Salem. Led by "Fightin' Lord" Cornwallis, the makeshift army quickly cut off supplies and began to starve out the witches. For three months, the evil covens in Salem subsisted on snow, beef provisions, and cannibalism.
Finally, their numbers depleted, the witches knew they'd have to make a break for the south. In the dead of winter, January 18, they waited for nightfall to make a desperate escape. Dressed as nuns, they marched quietly through enemy lines. By the time the sentinels of Adams' VIU became aware, roughly 1,000 had escaped to the south. The last 15,000 survivors, however, were caught and slaughtered in a glorious purification ceremony.
The 1,000 escapees undertook a long march in one of the harshest winters on record. Again, cannibalism proved their chief method of survival. By the time spring came, their numbers had dwindled to 23. The thaw finally came in April, and the survivors decided to settle in the first town where they saw grass. That town was Princeton, New Jersey.
By this time, the witches knew the government had become too powerful for total insurrection. They wisely decided to hide their wicked intentions, and started an institution of "higher learning" to propagate their ideals through education. They named this new University after the town. Classes began in 1657 and continue to this day.
The evil intentions of the school have been neatly concealed, but their influence on American destiny cannot be underestimated. Countless persons of influence have come through the doors of Princeton, including three U.S. Presidents: James Madison, Woodrow Wilson, John F. Kennedy.
Let's look at their respective legacies, shall we?
Madison: Started the War of 1812. Wilson: Started World War I. Kennedy: Started the Vietnam War.
Together, they're responsible for American deaths than any three people ever. Other graduates of Princeton include Joseph McCarthy, "Bloody Bill" Anderson, Pol Pot, Bill Belichick, Ann Coulter, Pontius Pilate, and Gary Williams. It's a record of violence, death, and disparagement. Princeton has nearly brought America to its knees.
Today, the tradition of evil continues. The subtle undermining of our culture can be seen in the language and content of their course catalog. A few examples:
Ethics 623: Condescension
In this course, we will instruct you how to pre-emptively win arguments with a sneer and to land an influential wife by first making her feel bad about herself.
Athletics 304: Basketball
In this class, we will teach you to use annoying trickery like the backdoor cut. By these techniques we can overcome our lack of athleticism and continue our policy of not admitting black people to the school.
Social Science 347: Weird, Stuffy Parties
In this class, we will teach you to host stifling parties where it doesn't seem like anybody is having fun, but at the end, important deals are made.
Leisure 689: Upper Class Murder (Seminar)
This is a seminar course in how to murder someone if you're upper class and plainly psychotic. We will discuss methods, clean-up, and which judges to bribe in the criminal justice process.
Princeton is not a fun place. And a victory today in Durham will only give them more influence. So we, an unaffiliated body, urge you to pull for the Devils. The alternative, we fear, could spell disaster for our proud nation.
A couple things before that, though. I mentioned on Monday that I'm covering a Durham high school football team as they attempt to win a state championship. Hillside High is in the heart of the city, and their quarterback, Vad Lee, will be going to Georgia Tech next year. He's really, really great. They played Durham's Northern High last week in an attempt to go undefeated for the first time since 1943. Back then, Hillside was a segregated all-black school. Today, the demographics aren't that different. The game amounted to a conference championship, and my essayish piece is now UP. Tonight, the Hornets play their first playoff game in Durham, and I'll be there with bells on.
So if you want to read about a great athlete and a great team, check it out here.
I asked yesterday for people to come up with Duke-related nicknames for my girlfriend. Though the response was slight, my friend Adam went on what appears to be a drunken facebook tizzy and reeled off some true humdingers. By way of introduction: Adam is a very hilarious dude, and one of the biggest assholes you'll ever want to meet. He'd throw his own mother in front of a train if it gave him an edge in life. Or even if it didn't give him an edge, but nobody was looking. Here are Adam's Duke-ish nicknames for my girlfriend:
1. The Duke She-Devil 2. Shane's Batty Lay 3. Ms. Tian Laettner 4. Candace Cameron Indoor Stadium 5. Duke Guy-Talker 6. Coach K(otex) 7. St. Francis of ACC 8. The Colossus of Tobacco Road 9. March Duke, Her Demand
If you have a favorite, let me know. Be warned, however, that I'll probably take "St. Francis of ACC" for myself. Well done, Adam.
Okey-doke: Tie your horse to the hitching post, daddy-o's. It's time for...
THE FRIDAY PICK SIX
VOLUME TWO, WEEK THREE
The Friday Pick Six is an original SCSD! game where six people make six predictions for six weeks. Along with their picks, they're allowed and encouraged to submit a 'sound-off' on any topic, sports or otherwise. When it's all done, the winner earns great honor among the people, while the two losers are exiled in shame and the three middle finishers go to purgatory, with the chance rescue their good name up to three times. To learn more about the rules, and about the current contestants, read below:
Last week, Mike and Jill led the charge with 3.5 points apiece. They would have spectacular 5.5 point weeks were it not for erroneous picks in the Amherst championship category. The Lord Jeffs were the undoing of many a brave contestant; only Spike correctly guessed that they'd win zero championships. That gave him a 3-point swing on the field, and a much needed boost after a rough week overall. Swetha & Sabreena took a major hit after their perfect week one, but they remain atop the leaderboard by a sliver. Spike is second, and nobody is very far out at this early stage.
New Wrinkle: Now that we have 3 guys and 3 girls, there's no reason not to introduce...
THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES!
Here's how it looks after two weeks:
Guys: 19 Girls: 18.5
Wow! Close as can be. And just when you thought you'd seen all the new material you could handle for one Pick Six, get this- we've got a guest docket writer! That's right, ladies and gents. The very funny and talented JIM B. is with us for the first time ever, authoring a docket the likes of which we've never seen. Take it away, Mr. B.
6. Will the University of Montana Grizzlies have a repeat performance of their 2006 NCAA tournament first round defeat over the rag-tag team of dickbag bastards, the University of Nevada Wolfpack? Interesting to note U of M is starting a new point guard after losing senior Anthony Johnson.
5. Last week there was healthy discussion about the Amherst mascot, the Lord Jeff. To continue that thread I thought it would be good to focus on a battle of idiot mascots; Middle Tennessee State University versus University of North Texas. Who the fuck has ever seen a green eagle? What about a unicorn? (Football)
4. The Cowboys traded former beached whale Wade Phillips for former third string QB Jason Garrett. Will anything save them from utter destruction at the hands of the NY Giants?
3. Kansas State at Missouri has the potential to be a shootout. Neither one has a great defense. Which 'cat will walk away with the victory?
2. After being thumped by the Browns, will the Patriots be tossed gently to the side like Brady's Beiber-hive?
1. Bookend picks! University of Montana Grizzlies football team at home, STRUGGLING for a berth in the FCS playoffs versus the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux. UND recently pledged to be Montana's conference bitch by joining the Big Sky Conference in 2012, what better way to welcome the team to the conference than a win at Washington Grizzly Stadium?
I dare say that is the best docket yet, and I dare say the people will be offering him the docket crown as though he were Caesar returning to Rome after conquering Pompey. And he shall thrice refuse. And then someone will betray him. Probably me. And then his assistant will defeat me in battle and marry Cleopatra. But what a story it will be.
We start, as ever, with our Dukish overlords:
Swetha & Sabreena
6. While we're big fans of Nevada's latest transfer, he won't be playing till January. Also, Luke Babbitt went pro. So for now, MONTANA.
5. It took us a good deal of time to figure out if this was basketball or football. That's about the most entertaining part of this matchup. Go Blue Raiders! MIDDLE TENNESSEE.
4. Keep thinking the Cowboys are going to find some stroke of magic. They keep making me look stupid. Another win for the best team in the NFC (yes, enjoy that Shane). NEW YORK.
3. Missouri's in a bit of a rut, but nothing like some home-cooking to get the Tigers rolling again. Besides, the only thing we really associate with Kansas State athletics is this. MIZZOU.
2. Love, love, love Troy Polamalu. The Pats don't stand a chance, even if they do have the prettiest player in all of football. Seriously, isn't it a shame that Tom Brady gets hidden behind a helmet? STEELERS.
1. Never imagined picking Montana twice in the same pick-em, but can't justify otherwise. MONTANA x2.
Spike
Nevada, mtsu, giants, mizzou, new england, montana
Don Banks dubbed this week the week of the quarterback in the NFL. Which is stupid enough, because, well, whatever. But this week it's doubly extra special stupid. The best QB in the league (Rivers) is on a bye. The Reigning Super Bowl champion QB (Brees) is on a bye. And two other top 5 fantasy QB's (Rodgers and Romo) are on a bye/destroyed. How can the week of the QB be a week when 40% of the league's top 10 QB's are AWOL? When next week only one of them will remain out? This is so stupid.
Also, RIP Dave Niehaus. For those outside the Seattle area, Dave has been the Mariners' primary announcer since the franchise formed in 1977. He was the only original employee remaining with the franchise. He was a well above average announcer for the bulk of his career, and his signature calls and warm voice are irreplaceable in the Pacific Northwest. I will think of him every time I drink a beer (as I have a bottle opener that plays his call of a Brett Boone Grand Slam circa-2001 every time I crack one open).
Jill
Montana v. Nevada:Nevada. As an elitist Blue Devil, it is very difficult for me to care about these Grizzlies of Montana or a suckier Wolfpack than the one that resides in Raleigh. The only U of M that I am aware of is that troublemaking school from Florida. You may ask, who is this important Anthony Johnson? I asked Wikipedia and it gave me options for: an actor; a “freedman of African descent in early Virginia;” an NFL RB; a New South Wales politician; an NBA dude; a Jamaican politician/economist; a mixed martial artist; a reggae singer; a TV reporter and “the husband of Pat Battle” (who the hell is Pat Battle?); a “supposedly fictional author” of some memoir; an NFL CB; and the past president of the Optical Society of America. I was stunned to discover that there was no mention of the Grizzlies or an “NCAA expert basketball player.” (After I got over my shock, I learned that he scored 42 points in the Big Sky championship last year. So, yeah, he will probably be missed). I’ll stop being a bitch now; this is why people hate Duke students. So here’s the deal: I have no idea who will win. I tried to do some real research, but all I learned is that both teams have a lot of new guys and will be mediocre. Nevada has had a strong team for years, they are at home, and we don’t know if the Grizzlies will ever replace the void that Mr. Anthony has left. I am also a huge supporter of rag-tag teams of dickbag bastards. See, e.g., the Yankees; the Blue Devils; the Giants.
MTSU v. UNT:MTSU. There is so much to say about this bastard lovechild of the Blue Devil and My Little Pony. I don’t know if it is its Michael Jackson pose, lightning bolt wing apparatus and matching hair, space shoes, or black gloves. It is a treasure. The UNT’s eagle looks like a Philly-wannabe and no one likes fans of Philly. While UNT played well against Troy last week, they are going up against a great run team, a tricky coach, a solid defense, and a fucking kickass awesome unicorn creature.
Giants vs. Cowboys:Giants. I guess the Cowboys could be inspired by their new coach, heinous record, rivalry with the G-Men, whatever. A dash of the Sports Guy’s “Nobody Believed in Us” factor (revelation #3). But here, nobody believes in them because they suck. They are 1-7. They are quitters. They are terrible. And until they prove otherwise (and, you know, always), I will not support the Cowboys.
Kansas State at Missouri:Missouri. Missouri needs a bounce-back win. They are reeling after two straight losses, following a 7-0 start. I think they will pounce all over K-State. Both defenses are sort of awful, so expect a high scoring battle.
Patriots v. Steelers:Patriots. This is going to be a good one. Both teams are 6-2. They have won five of the past nine Super Bowls combined. We have the Rapist vs. the Bieber. The loss of Randy Moss lingers. With Pittsburgh’s stellar defense and NE’s questionable offense, I expect a low scoring, tight game. But evil genius Bill Belichick and pretty boy Tom Brady will eke it out.
The Grizzlies (again) vs. UND:Montana. The Grizzlies need this victory, they are from a stronger conference, and I feel badly for making fun of them earlier. That said, it should be noted that the Grizzlies do not exactly have a super cool mascot, at least not like MTSU. Unless, of course, you like leather and American flag bandanas.
Mike
6. Let's face it, without Anthony Johnson the University of Montana is like the walking dead. NEVADA
5. Redskins play Philly this week, so I am in an anti-eagle mood. I honestly have no idea what sport this question is about. MTSU
4. I predict that a strange virus will spread throughout the stadium, killing all players and fans. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. When in doubt, always say Fuck the Cowboys. GIANTS.
3. The tigers will tame the wildcats (see what I did there). MISSOURI
2. Patriots are in a downward shame spiral and nothing will pull them out of it. They're done and will not win another game for the next 3 seasons (you heard it here first). STEELERS
1. It would be rude to insult our guest host by not picking his team at least once. MONTANA
Nick E.
First, a moment of silence for tailgate...damn 14 year olds can’t hold their liquor. Also, a quick story about Intro to Acting. I actually took that class (my third favorite after Astronomy and my history seminar: Baseball in the Global Perspective), and on the first day Kyle Singler showed up. However, apparently he took that class over the previous summer, and the instructor told him he wouldn’t get credit if he showed up again. And for a minute I thought he’d play opposite me in Uncle Vanya. If only.
6. I’ll take the Montana Grizzlies. If only because the players on their football team never wear sleeves, even when its 20 degrees and sleeting.
5. You know, I thought I had a really good week last time. I got all four of the football games right. Then those stupid Lord Jeffs had to lose in Men’s soccer and field hockey. Screw those Jeffs, every one. Anyways, if I know anything, it’s not to cross a unicorn. Middle Tennessee St.
4. Is there anything better than watching a team quit on a lame duck coach? I haven’t seen a game as painful as the Cowboys – Packers since the Jim Zorn days. I’ll take the Giants.
3. If Mizzou fails me again, I’m going to have to seriously rethink my current relationship with a Missourian. MIZ-ZOU
2. How long is going to be before Tom Brady admits he has an awful haircut and gets it changed? I feel like at this point he’s just doing it for spite. I’ll take the Steelers.
1. When I was a kid my family drove though Montana en route to hitting a few national parks. All I remember about Montana is Wall Drug, a strip mall in the middle of the desert that is known for nothing more than their shameless self promotion. But hey, they offer free donuts and coffee to honeymooners, so I guess they’re not all bad. I’ll take the Grizzlies again.
Carrie
Last week, I sucked. Real bad. I didn't think I cared that much about whether I won or lost, but then last week, when I just was terrible, I felt really bad. Is this why people like to work at things that are competitive? Because losing is so very bad feeling? Well, you got me, Competition. I don't like being bad anymore.
6. I had a friend in high school that went to Montana to play soccer, so ever after, the school has held a soft spot in my heart. However, when I was little and used to play MASH with my friends, I would always give them Reno as their like bad place to live choice. I feel sort of guilty about that these days, because Reno's not thaaaat bad. So. Wolfpack. (Also, I was recently telling a friend that Mazda Miatas were always our like "hot car" pick in MASH. She thought that was really funny, because I guess Miatas aren't thaaaat nice. But, when you're 7 years old and don't know that when you grow up you'll be 6 feet tall, they seem super awesome.)
5. These are two incredibly absurd college mascots. I am actually glad to see such ridiculousness exists outside of the NESCAC. I also kind of wish that we had been the Unicorns.
4. It's well documented how little I know about football, but please. The Cowboys are donezo. Even if Eli Manning wasn't so clean-cut and precious, I would still pick the Giants here.
3. I've recently begun following Eric Stonestreet on Twitter. He plays Cam on "Modern Family". He's my favorite character on what is perhaps my favorite show (Comedy category. Don't get me started on Drama and Reality. That's where the competition gets super fierce.) He is a K-State fan, so I am too. There it is, folks. It is exactly that easy. If I like you, I like your team. I'm simple like that.
2. Oh gosh. The Patriots loss to the Browns last week was super humiliating for them. The Browns have perhaps the ugliest uniforms in the NFL and the Patriots have one of the Top Five. So, to be schooled like that by such a sartorially inferior team? I cannot abide such embarassment. I'm not saying I'm rooting for the Steelers, but I am saying I'm picking them to win.
1. It's fun that there were two University of Montana picks to choose from, so that I can pick them in football even if I totally threw them under the (tacky) Reno bus in basketball. I love when things are fair!
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That'll do for this week. I was going to invigorate the Duke fanbase with some anti-Princeton rhetoric, but I think I'll do that in a special Sunday morning post instead. Keep an eye out for that. Duke-Princeton at 5pm this weekend. The regular season begins, baby!
You know it's coming, gang. It couldn't be any other way. But first, an announcement is in order. To my girlfriend, the lady of the blog, the keeper of my heart:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
(Sorry babe, I procrastinated on getting you an internet cake, and that was all they had left.)
Happy 47th, darling. I still remember the day we met, at a cat grooming show in the West Village. You were shy and skittish, like so many New York cat people, but right away I could tell something about you that nobody else could: you had money. See, I saw you come out of the Wachovia bank beforehand with a deposit slip, and after you threw it in that trash can, I retrieved it. Wow: $600,000 just in checking! And who knows about savings! That's why I followed you to that cat grooming show. Three months later, I had practically invaded your life. I even made you get rid of the cats. Sometimes I think you're still not over that, but hey, I hate cats. Life goes on, right? And we're happy: as happy as a 27-year-old and a 47-year-old can be in a relationship based on money and false promises. How's that will coming, by the way? Don't forget that anything can happen in this crazy life. You can't be too prepared.
Just kidding about all that. God, what's my problem? Can't I ever be sincere? Can't I turn off the jokes for like two seconds?
Sincerity: Happy birthday. You are the absolute best.
Also, I need a blog nickname for my girlfriend. I don't want it to be anything generic like "The Sports Gal" (Simmons) or "Mrs. Drew" (Drew on Deadspin). Something hilarious involving Duke would be better. My first thought was "Nan Keohane," the name of the president when I was at school. This is her:
Then I found out that she left Duke at a certain point and went to...Princeton. More on those bastards later.
So 'Nan Keohane' is out. Anyone with any good ideas, I'm all ears. The winner will be decided tomorrow, and credit given.
Now that I've disgusted all my male readers with this show of emotion, let's move on to something bold and masculine. You know what's coming, lads and lasses:
THE PERFECTION PROCLAMATION: 2010-11
God, that picture is so great.
Last season, in late January, it occurred to me that the Devils hadn't lost a game at home all year. Looking at the rest of the schedule, I realized they had a chance to defend that record the rest of the way. And so I declared a Perfection Proclamation, guaranteeing that Duke would end the regular season undefeated at home.
Did we protect this house?
We protected this house.
Here we are again, but this time I'm not waiting until January. The team is there, the confidence is high, the fans will be in a post-championship frenzy, and Cameron will be hostile. Ain't nobody taking a W in the Dirty D 'cept the caretakers of the court. Vamos, here we go:
On this, the eleventh day of the eleventh month in the season of our Lord 2010-11, in the sign of Scorpio, I hereby aver the following truth without regard to reputation or consequence:
O'er the entirety of the regular season, The Duke University Men's Basketball Team shall not lose a single game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Whereas they have yet to fall on their own floor, this unceasing flawlessness shall result in a perfect home year.
Here at SCSD!, we're happy to welcome back last year's Perfection Proclamation sponsor: Haagen Dazs Green Tea Ice Cream.
Some things never change: Duke is always perfect at home, and Haagen Dazs Green Tea Ice Cream is the best goddamn thing human beings have ever made.
Let's take a quick look at the home schedule and analyze the obstacles standing in the way of the perfect home season:
1. Princeton:
Not so tough when they're not wearing their secret society horned goat masks and black robes. (Hopefully they don't wear them Sunday, otherwise I think we lose.)
2. Miami (Oh):
Miami (FL) envy. Instead of South Beach, they have McGregor Pond, the first body of water in America made entirely of industrial waste.
3. Colgate:
Maybe they could break up the Perfection Proclamation if the Perfection Proclamation was about having a school that was named after a FUCKING TOOTHPASTE, AM I RIGHT?!
(High fives and spontaneous laughter all around)
4. Michigan State
Currently ranked #2 in the country. But Duke is ranked #1. By my math, that means we'll double their score. Right?
5. Bradley
This is actually just one guy, not a college. He's pretty good, but I think we'll be able to wear him down with a full court press.
6. Saint Louis
Like Bradley, this is just one entity. Unlike Bradley, Louis is a legitimate deceased saint, former King Louis IX of France. According to that wiki leak, he was the "idealized Christian monarch." However, his first step is slow and he only shoots about 28% from three.
7. Elon
Duke mollywhomped 'em in football earlier this year. Looks like somebody hasn't learned their lesson.
8. Miami
The city's just a little too...multi-cultural, if you ask the average white Duke student.
9. Alabama-Birmingham
Looks like those cowards from Alabama-Tuscaloosa were too scared to come back after we gave them the fight of their lives in football.
10. Maryland
Nice job almost losing to traditional powerhouse Charleston last night, Twerps. Can't wait to see you and your sweaty, sweaty coach in the 'Ham. (That's what we're calling it now.)
11. Virginia
Contact me for the secret original Virginia joke. Here's the new one:
This school is named after a queen. I think. But Duke is named after a nickname of John Wayne. You tell me who would win in a gun fight. You tell me.
12. Boston College
Jokes aside, this team always infuriates me. I can't think of anyone but Jared Dudley when I think of Boston College. I hate, hate, hate losing to them. And it won't happen in Cameron.
13. N.C. State
"The lost souls of the triangle. They come in like ghosts, and leave like phantoms. Raleigh: the urban graveyard." That poem was written by J.J. Redick.
14. North Carolina
This is going to be Prince Harry's Battle of Agincourt. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope someone throws a full soda at him.
15. Georgia Tech
The key to stopping their triple option is to hit the quarterback hard on every play.
16. Temple
*stifling a giggle* Okay, okay, but uh... *more stifled giggles* where's the rest of the body? *almost losing it* you know, like the, uh...the neck and torso and arms and legs? *bursting out in hysterical laughter*
Explanation: the temple is a part of the human body near the head. In this joke, I created a comedic assumption: that instead of playing a university called Temple from Philadelphia, Duke would be playing the body part that uses the same word. Then I had a theoretical person question that incomplete body as to where the rest of the essential parts could be found. As we all know, a basketball game requires a full body. Thank you for listening.
17. Clemson
They're rascals! All of 'em are rascals!
RASCALS!
(I just google imaged 'rascal' to put a picture of one here, and after seeing the images I still have no idea what a rascal is. Some kind of dog, maybe? Also: I don't know anything about Clemson.)
*********************
I was going to get into some Princeton hate, but I'll save that for tomorrow before the Pick Six. Also, last night my sports trivia team finished first in a UNC intramural event. Unfortunately, we didn't win anything yet; it just got us into today's finals with three other teams. But I'll say this: it's alarming how much I don't know about sports. Luckily my boy Nick is basically an encyclopedia and carried us on his broad shoulders. Tonight, we play for t-shirts.
Last, in case anyone's wondering, this is what I got my girlfriend for her birthday:
Some of her first words after seeing it: "I love this as much as I love you." Keep that in mind while you try to think of a nickname for her. Don't go easy.
The Gold Glove, as most of you know, is a fielding award given to the best hitter at each position. Or the most legendary. Or the one with the most fielding hype behind him. Unlike every other award in American and international sports, it does not rely on things like statistics or actual ability in the stated category. It's a little bit like the Academy Award for Best Sound Editing. None of these idiots who get to vote know how to measure sound editing, and instead of studying up or asking around, they just give the award to "Avatar."
That being said: I'll take it. And even though Cano probably (slash definitely) didn't deserve this award, he's less of a stretch than some other winners. Particularly Derek Jeter, who UZR has as the third-worst shortstop in the AL. Even an eyeball test of Jeter this year was enough to confirm that he had no range. Defensive metrics, which are admittedly imperfect, gave Jeter the worst range score of any shortstop in baseball.
Gold Glove, y'all. What a prize. Teixeira also won. Maybe he deserved it. But still, screw that guy.
On to basketball. Last night, I watched an ESPNU All-Access Special on the Dukies called "Training Days." It was pretty awesome. This was the first of two hour-long specials on the team, and it followed the players and Coach K starting with the blue-white scrimmage and ending after the St. Augustine exhibition. The second part is on Thursday night on ESPN2. There were also 4 half-hour specials called "All-Access: Duke Men's Basketball" that I missed. The re-airing schedule of every show is listed here, but I'll give you the basics:
If you want to catch the 4 Duke Men's Basketball half hour specials, your last chance is next Tuesday, November 16, between 6-8 a.m. They'll be airing consecutively. I'll be there. I'm almost positive this is different content than the 2 hours airing this week on "Training Days," but maybe someone who's sure can verify that in the comments.
For last night's "Training Days" 1-hour show, there are a lot of options you can check out. But if it looks like Thursday night's part 2 only airs once. So try not to miss that.
Highlights of last night:
1) I made my girlfriend sit down with me and watch the special. She comes from a non-sporting background, but I got her into baseball almost immediately. I'm not sure how that worked; maybe it was because her first experience was a live game at Yankee Stadium, or maybe because that was the beginning of our relationship and she wanted to have common interests and thus convinced herself to become a fan in order to snare me in her web. In any case, by the time our first college basketball season rolled around, she felt more secure about things and was past the point where she felt like indulging my sporting passions. She was all like, "you're on your own, homes."*
*Paraphrased.
So last night, I forced her to watch. My theory was that it would showcase the Duke personalities in a non-game situation and give her a vested interest in the season. You can't just thrust a non-believer into the action and expect them to be on board. They have to know who they're rooting for, and last night's special was a perfect opportunity. It wasn't an easy sell, though. She desperately wanted to do anything but watch "All-Access: Training Days." (Weird, right?) I had to physically restrain her from leaving the couch a couple times, and she kept glancing longingly at her computer. I eventually had to shut the screen. Then I resorted to making bargains as her dissent grew. "Just give me this one hour," I said.
Gradually, though, I think my plan started to work. She complained less and less, and I could sense that she was interested in a few of the stories. Then, magic happened: the camera showed babies. Assistant coach babies, more specifically. That did it. The human element had arrived. More specifically, the baby element. There were lots of 'awwwws,' and the struggle to escape the couch stopped on a dime.
Thank you, children of Nate James and Chris Collins and Steve Wojo. Thank you for being adorable to women. I think it would be too weird to insert a picture of a cute baby, so here's a puppy:
2) My favorite part of the special came when they followed Nolan Smith and Kyle Singler to media day in Charlotte. It started out with a long drive, and they arrived at their hotel at midnight. The next morning, the cameras were in the room while Singler sat shirtless on the bed, rubbing his eyes, and Nolan wrapped himself in the blankets. Singler spoke about the requirements of media day, and it sounded like he'd rather jump off the hotel balcony if given a choice. In that moment, hunched on the side of the bed, mumbling to the floor, he looked incredibly world-weary and resigned. Then he turned back to the camera.
"Should be a lot of fun, though."
He was being genuine, too. Not about the fun part; he knew it wouldn't be fun. But it was almost like something clicked in his head. "Oh no, I'm complaining, and I'm supposed to be grateful. Better say something appreciative." It was pretty hilarious. "Yeah man, every day I come home from school this gang of older kids jumps me and beats the shit out of me and steals whatever money I have in my pocket. Then they insult my mother and remind me the same thing will happen tomorrow. It's really awful. (pause) Nice to have education, though."
Later, at the actual event, the camera caught him talking about some of the questions he'd heard during the circus. They asked him which superpower he would choose. "I said flying," Singler told the camera, conveying the fact that this was the dumbest question as yet asked in the wider world. "Then they asked if we were going to do what we did last year. I told them I'm not a psychic." He grinned almost impishly at his response. Then the same 'uh-oh' mechanism from the hotel kicked in.
"It's been a lot of fun, though."
3) Do you guys notice that Coach K says words that end with 'G' funny? I didn't realize it until yesterday. I always knew he over-enunciated in a kind of borderline creepy way, but in yesterday's special it hit me that 'g' words get their own extra syllable. 'Hang,' for example, becomes hang-guh. It's like he took a personal vow to spend his life recognizing the letter 'g.' I won't let you go unnoticed, G! I will sing-guh your praises!
4) Speaking of our leader, I think he was very conscious of the camera during his practices and film sessions. I was hoping for one of the legendary Coach K outbursts, but none were forthcoming. There were a lot of platitudes and moments of fatherly advice, but he only swore once. "This is what you looked like when you were getting your ass kicked in the scrimmage," he told his players during an unguarded moment. Even then, he seemed to realize the mistake pretty quickly and change the tone. There's only one solution for this: hidden cameras. State-mandated surveillance. Do we know any sympathetic judges in North Carolina?
5) The Casey Peters story was pretty awesome. He started out as a team manager his freshman year, but he worked hard and stayed after practice and trained and lifted and etc., and they made him part of the team for his sophomore season. The players all talked about how much they liked and admired him. It was a goose-bump inspiring segment. Also, in a very short clip of the players walking to a 7am practice, he was wearing a Yankee hat.
Casey Peters: A Good Person.
Casey Peters: Destined to be nicknamed "Casey Sanders."
6) Kyle Singler can cook. He made a team dinner at his apartment, and the meal was spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread. Basic, but it looked good.
7) They showed Josh Hairston and Kyrie Irving's Intro to Acting Class. Look, I know both guys are freshmen, but it's never too early for constructive criticism: if they seriously want to consider a career in acting, they have a lot of hard work ahead of them.
Seriously, though, I actually took that class at Duke, and I remembered some of the exercises. At first, all the students were walking around at a fast pace. Kyrie Irving, for whatever reason, kept spinning in circles. Later, each student had to "become" a character the teacher gave them. Hairston was some kid from a poor family, and Irving was a guy named "Flip" who was arrogant. "I didn't bring anything to the circle," said Kyrie, "because I'm already too good."
Finally, Hairston and Irving did a scene together. This was my second-favorite part of the special. It started with them having what seemed like a mild argument. Then, out of nowhere, Hairston punched Irving, who fell to the ground. "It wasn't that big a deal," Kyrie protested, hopping up as if the punch hadn't hurt him at all. "I didn't mean it." Hairston turned away dramatically. I forget whether they resolved things by the end. I hope so.
8) At one point, everyone on the team made fun of Nolan Smith's toenails. When they asked him about it during one of the sit-down interviews, he deadpanned, "actually, ladies love my feet." Then he eyeballed the camera until everyone started laughing.
9) Nolan Smith and Kyle Singler both have unnerving stares. They're capable of bugging their eyes out and just zoning in for minutes at a time. I think I understand why they're both so good under pressure. They can enter a weird hypnotic place and just sort of coast. I'd like to see an all-access special where the two of them have a staring contest. I'm not sure who would win, but I hope this is how it would end:
10) Kyle Singler can also paint. He made a mural on the theme of last year's team that I thought was surprisingly good. Not that I know what good art is. Good art frightens and confuses me. But I enjoyed his "Hoop Dreams" basketball-in-the-clouds work.
11) Josh Hairston is a delight. Personality-wise, he's my new favorite freshman. I can't remember anything he said, really, just that he made me laugh a couple times and seemed really expressive and interesting.
12) Did anybody else notice that there were a ton of conservative commercials during the special? Talk about knowing your audience. I guess tv's perception of Duke fans is that they're all tea-partying wackos. The first commercial I saw was a really long one about a commemorative 9/11 tenth anniversary coin made of 'real gold' and 'reclaimed ground zero silver.' The building, along with a ship they made from salvaged steel called the USS New York, were on the coin in silver. They could be flipped up to show like a vertical perspective of lower Manhattan. I've seen some tacky shit in my time, but this really took the cake. Also, the girlfriend had an extreme moment when they talked about the reclaimed ground zero silver.
"It's probably from the teeth of the victims. No thanks."
Yikes.
"That's fairly morbid," I said.
"So are these coins."
Fair enough. Later, there was a Glenn Beck commercial, and after that there was some more American flag memorabilia or something.
13) After an hour of well-spoken Dukies, it was a relief to finally see some bad-assery. Before the St. Augustine game, Nolan Smith was in the center of the huddle. "Let's go set the fucking tone," he said. "Let's go after this shit!"
Loved it.
14) This isn't about the special, but my pal Jill sent me this link the other day. It's about a couple idiot frat boys at Duke who sent out party invitations. They tried real hard to be funny and failed miserably, but they managed to be outrageously sexist and misogynistic along the way.
Dear Duke students: stop undermining my school at every fucking turn, please. Or, as the Gawker writer put it:
"(In all seriousness, Duke really just needs to chill out with being Duke for a while. Seriously guys. Just... take a break. Just don't be Duke for a while.)"
Honestly, it's not even worth defending the student body anymore. Not until somebody speaks out against the idiotic fringe elements. You know how people are always saying, "I wish moderate Muslims would come out against the terrorists"? Well, I'm applying that line of logic to Duke students. Either make your voice heard, or expect people to keep lumping you in with the rest of the arrogant cretins.
We'll stop at lucky #14. Two more quick things. First, Bill Simmons wrote a pretty hilarious tweet yesterday:
The movie poster if Judd Apatow ever made a baseball film:
Second, I've decided to include what might have been a hilarious dig in yesterday's comment section. After a long discussion of great sports books, a commenter named Jake offered his take:
The 5-Point Play by Coach K about when Duke won the national championship in 2001.
-Jake
Now, I can't tell if this is a dig or not. Maybe the book is legitimately good. But if he is talking shit, I can only say: well done, Jake.
Tonight, there are a few games to whet our appetite. Hopefully Charleston beats Maryland. Until tomorrow.
It's a beautiful Tuesday morning here in Carrboro, and I can literally sense the college basketball season approaching. It feels like a faint tingling down in the bottom of my feet, or sometimes on my elbows. Every fifth person I see on the street looks, for a split second, like Seth Curry. There were already a few games last night, and a near-upset when Rhode Island almost took down the Pittsburgh Pantera.Illinois dusted UC Irvine, Texas beat Navy (they have trouble on land), and the Twerps scored 105 to rout a team called "Seattle," who I can only assume is a group of brave men in their mid-30s desperately trying to keep the Supersonic name alive.
Beyond all that, Duke is #1 in the ESPN preseason power rankings. I'm obviously thrilled to hear that, since every #1 team in the ESPN preseason power rankings has gone on to win the national championship since the poll began in 1995.* And people are writing articles like this one, asking which teams on Duke's schedule might take them down.
*Everything in that sentence is made up.
But we're just a hair away from the good stuff. Duke begins their regular season campaign Sunday against Princeton. We all know the deal with Princeton: they're second in arrogance only to Cal-Poly Pomona. And even though their basketball team isn't very good, they still have a sort of legit paternal condescension thing going since James Duke, our founder, insisted that our campus look just like Princeton's, down to the Gothic architecture and the type of stone.
So we have to beat them mercilessly, the way you beat your own father at games when he's too old to compete anymore.
But that will be discussed in greater depth, I promise you. For now, as the title of the blog promises, I'd like to talk sports books. Joe Posnanski is one of the best sports writers going, and on his excellent blog he keeps promising a post called "the 32 Best Sports Books." When he finally writes it, that will be like Christmas morning for me. I've loved sports books my entire life, and I'm on kind of a huge kick lately. Last night, I just started "To Hate Like This is to be Happy Forever," a book about the Duke-Carolina rivalry told from the perspective of Carolina partisan Will Blythe. Man, does he hate Duke. It's pretty entertaining so far, but I'm only a few pages in.
So I thought I'd come up with a top-10 list of the best sports books I've ever read. This list will be severely limited, mind you, by my inexperience. I've never even read "Friday Night Lights," which I'm told is indispensable. And that's where you, the reader, come in. I'm on the always lookout for great reads, so if you see anything missing (and you surely will), please let me know in the comments.
I'm not the biggest Nick Hornby fan in the world; his humor misses with me more often than it hits. But this account of his lifetime as an Arsenal fan is notable for its awful kind of fatalism that could only come from Europe. He became a Gunners fan as a small child before realizing that they're the most boring and hated team in the Premiership, and would open him to a lifetime of abuse from friends and peers. The descriptions of Hornby's utter pessimism and negativity while watching games rings very true, as does his depiction of the complete joy the moment after a goal.
This was a fascinating look at soccer in the Netherlands by British writer David Winner. His main thesis is that the Dutch are a creative people by necessity, and they've especially had to become masters of space. Their country is basically below sea level, and a system of dykes is necessary to maintain livable conditions. This attitude or philosophy or ability has in turn influenced their art, politics, culture, and soccer. Winner's main focus is on the "Total Football" teams of the 1970s, and by the end of this book you'll be in love with Johan Cruyff. Sadly, the last 40 pages are a strange jumble of quick writing and typos and general sloppiness. After such a strong and fascinating start, it was really jarring. I'm not sure if Winner was in a rush to finish, or just lost motivation, or what, but this book could have been higher with a solid finish. Still very much worthwhile.
Exley was a wreck of a human being and a failed writer. His life came to be defined by his obsession with Frank Gifford and the New York Giants. This book is a pretty huge downer in some ways, following Exley in and out of mental hospitals and his mother's couch as he struggles to maintain even a loose hold on life, but it's also very funny. It's a road map, on one hand, of how a man with potential can be dragged down by old baggage and weakness into the life of a degenerate, and on the other of how sports can provide meaning for the lost souls of the world. Also, he loved "Lolita," so he can't be all bad.
McPhee is one of two authors who will appear twice on this list. "Levels of the Game" is a short book about the 1968 US Open semi-final between Clark Graebner and Arthur Ashe. As the match progresses, McPhee writes a wonderful journalistic account of the players' lives and attitudes. They are two very different men, and their respective character and experience influences the tone and result of the match. In some ways, this is a psychological study, but more than that it's just a very good story. Arthur Ashe is one of the most interesting American athletes ever, and the story of how he became a tennis player at all is essentially a re-telling of a miracle. The third star of this book is Dr. Walter Johnson, a former football player who became a self-taught tennis player, and one of the few black men playing the sport at a top level in the 1930s. He went on to start an academy for young black players, and that's how Ashe became who he was.
I absolutely loved Pat Conroy as a kid, and I devoured all his books over a one-year period in high school. This one, written a bit later when I was in college, is a memoir about his senior year as a point guard at The Citadel. The basketball action is great, and so is the description of the intense military atmosphere at the school. It's a very sad book, especially considering Conroy's strained relationship with his semi-abusive, distant father, but in the end it's a great account about how a team comes together in the face of loss and humiliation.
I read this one many years ago, but it's stayed with me. It's easy to describe: a thorough historical account of the 1919 Chicago White Sox, the team that threw the World Series. The characters in this story are amazing, from Shoeless Joe Jackson to stingy White Sox owner Charles Comiskey to brilliant New York City gambler Arnold Rothstein. It's sort of incredible that something like this ever happened, but in a way, the economic environment and the poor treatment of ballplayers made it inevitable.
It's fun and logical to hate Bill Belichick, and children across America should be encouraged in this endeavor. Unfortunately, Halberstam ruins the fun by humanizing him with this excellent biography. The son of a Navy football scout, Belichick was around football from the start. His single-mindedness wasn't always absolute, but it was always at least present. From the time he took his first unpaid job as a film man for the Baltimore Colts in 1975, it was obvious to a lot of people that he would end up at the top of the profession. Still, there were a lot of bumps and bruises along the way, and some of the best parts of this book come in the retelling of Belichick's failure in Cleveland and his complicated relationship in New York under Bill Parcells. Halberstam is an excellent writer, and he's the other author on this list who appears twice. This book might be as high as it is since I just finished it, but I have a feeling I'll stand by the choice even as time passes.
Princeton hate aside, this book knocked my socks off. It's all about Bill Bradley's senior season at Princeton, and by the end you'll be under the impression that he's the greatest basketball player of all time. His incredible work ethic and athleticism propelled him to the very top of the game, and the otherworldly performances he put together in the quest for a national championship are the meat and potatoes of this account. McPhee delves into his childhood effectively, but smartly stays mostly in the present, describing the style and finesse and precision with which Bradley plays the game. This book was published well before Bradley became a politician or even won titles with the New York Knicks, and it's a prescient look at a very special player and a highly unique human being.
Taught me everything I know about hooligan culture in England. I can't describe how awful, thrilling, and terrifying this book is. Buford immersed himself in the life, becoming closely tied with a Manchester United hooligan group, and his accounts of shameful violence and marauding hit you right in the gut. I remember being particularly revolted at the story of the hooligans laying waste to Turin in the aftermath of a Champions League loss in that unsuspecting Italian town. Somehow, he's also hysterically funny throughout. Buford basically deserves a Pulitzer for this stuff.
Unparalleled, at least in my experience. Halberstam travels with the 1979 Portland Trailblazers, a team beginning a descent into mediocrity only two years after their timeless Bill Walton-led championship team. Halberstam's writing has an awesome way of shifting to different subjects almost without warning, and he covers so many people and stories along the way that this can really be seen as a novel about the entire NBA and further, the game of basketball. One of my favorite parts is when he recounts how Bobby Knight recruited Isiah Thomas to play at Indiana. This, for me, is the crowning work of sports journalism; an endlessly informative treatise on the state of an entire professional organization seen through the lens of a faltering team.
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It occurred to me while writing this list that I probably couldn't put a top-15 together if I wanted to. Please fill me in on your choices, as I'm running out of books here at home and a long Christmas break is coming.
