The Monday Ratings

This is a new feature at SCSD! where I take a person, team, event, or other sporting noun, and assign it an arbitrary rating. Then I go on to explain that rating in a way that probably won't satisfy anyone. Afterward, I am unapologetic and act like I've done you a huge favor just by existing. And somehow you keep coming back, even though most of your friends are like 'just stay away, that guy is a dick.' And I'm just sitting there on your couch, not paying rent, assigning values on a 1-10 scale like I own the place.

This is the great leap forward sportswriting has been waiting for. Here we go!

THE MONDAY RATINGS, 6/14

Team USA - 6.0

I am happy to see that the strategy from the last million World Cups is unchanged: be completely inept at passing the ball around and advancing gradually like the better teams, say 'screw it' and just launch the ball downfield, hope to get lucky by having really fast people chase it down and score once or twice per game, play terrible defense, and get bailed out over and over by an awesome goalie. It's like a warm blanket. You'd hate to see anything different from the stars and stripes.


Okay, so we got the tie. The tie. The tie. The tie. People who know from soccer insist that this was a good result. And I can understand it. I really can. But still...you know what, this deserves its own rating.

Ties - 1.0

Ties are a tease. Ties are a shadow belonging to nothing. Ties are being handed a baseball bat, blindfolded, and told to swing as hard as you can at a pinata, but you miss completely, and then you take the blindfold off and there's no pinata at all, and no people, and hey, where did this blindfold come from?! Ties are un-American.

I realize I'm sounding like a super doltish neocon or something, but sports and competition are designed to produce a superior side. It's part of what we love about them. Sometimes, in games where a winner is almost always decided, a really epic tie can be awesome. This is provided it happens about once every 20 years or so, and only under weird circumstances. Otherwise, it sucks. Especially when it happens about 30% of the time, like in soccer (total guess on the number there- okay, I just looked it up, and across all professional leagues and in World Cup play, the tie percentage hovers between 25% and 30%...good guess). The World Cup started with 2 ties. Fine, whatever.

But when a match is built up for like six months, and there's all kinds of shit-talking, and it involves two countries with a lot of history, and you're going nuts for two hours in a packed bar full of people singing patriotic songs, and then you walk out and it's a fucking tie, THAT SUCKS. It makes you want to destroy shit, or fight somebody from England, just to have some kind of resolution. This is why soccer produces violence on a scale that shocks people from America; ties, and the absurd amount of anticipation built up just waiting for a goal. You create all that tension, and no resolution, and people are going to go nuts.

Best idea I heard, from my future classmate and current Brooklynite Josh: do it like hockey. Sure, end the game in a draw. Both teams get a point. But then do a shoot-out, and the winner takes a second bonus point. At least there's a bit of resolution there, right?

World Cup Soccer - 3.0

Let's be honest for a moment: unless one team is far, far superior to another, which doesn't happen that often in World Cup anymore, you might as well flip a coin as to which side will win any given match. That's the nature of soccer, I guess, and a lot of people will say that's what makes it great. I can kinda agree, as long as those same people will concede that it's also what makes the sport suck.

Again, I'm happy with a draw against England, but I'd be fucking pissed if I were them. Why? Because they were the superior team. They did everything better than the US, except goaltending. They created more chances, kept the ball for longer, moved the ball more smoothly, and played stronger defense. If Tim Howard, our keeper, hadn't been like a spastic monkey in front of the net, and if their keeper hadn't made the mistake of the century, they're winning that match like 4-0.

And yet, somehow, we still almost won! Jozy Altidore broke away on the left at some point and hit the post with a shot that would've put us up 2-1. How insane is that? In what other sport can one team be better at almost every position and still have about an equal chance of winning? It'd be like the Yankees playing a 7-game series with the Orioles, and somehow the Orioles hitter keep closing their eyes and swinging really hard and hitting home runs, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Robert Green - 1.0

Damn, man. Really? Really with that save? I just finished a book about English soccer hooligans, and all the disgusting, violent, and creepy shit they do, and I'm actually scared for this guy. The British announcer called it a "howler," and that seems exactly right. You can either howl with laughter, howl with disbelief, howl with anger, howl with joy, or howl with terror. It's a howler, all right.

Team Germany - 10.0

I loved it. Say what you will about these straight-laced wackos, but they came out and kicked Australia's ass. Finally, a team scored some goals. Finally, we got to see that yes, sometimes a superior team does dominate like we're used to in sports. Four goals later, I'm kind of on board with Germany. It was like coming back to earth after a mysterious and unsettling tour of an ambiguous outer space universe where nothing logical ever happens.

Team Korea - 9.0

A close second. That team is fast, wild, and exciting. Apparently they don't have any defense, and just try to outscore the opponent. I'll take it. They kicked the crap out of Greece (note: in soccer, a 2-0 score is 'kicking the crap' out of someone) and looked like they were having fun while doing it. I hope they go far.

South Africa, Mexico, France, Uruguay - 1.0

COME ON. You guys were the opening day entertainment at the fucking World Cup. It was on you to do something memorable! A TIE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Team Denmark - 7.0

They were also upset about the dearth of goals, and decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, they couldn't get past the Dutch defense, so they used some old-fashioned Danish know-how and scored on their own goal. They wanted excitement, and they got sick of the status quo. Respect. Netherlands wins the morning match 2-0.

Complaining about a sport that first perfectly into my daytime schedule - 7.0

I like the World Cup. I'd rather have it than not. On the other hand...

People who call soccer 'The Beautiful Game' - 1.0

It's not the beautiful game. It can be played beautifully, yes. So can every other sport. But the game itself is not beautiful at all. In fact, when people were inventing sports, it was the first thing they thought of. "Yo," said the main guy in charge of inventing sports. "Before we get on to inventing more complex and more interesting games, let's think of something really simple." Without even hesitating, the dumbest in the group piped up and said "how about you try to kick a ball into a box?" That's how it happened.

Look, in terms of beauty, I will go to my grave arguing that nothing compares with baseball. It isolates so many aspects of human experience, and is singularly strange and subtle, and...well, if you really want to hear me get all rapturous, you can read this 3,000 word essay I wrote a while back. Football is a close second, because it so closely approximates warfare and is such a great mixture of strategy, savagery, and specialization. After those two, it's a big drop to the other sports. Hockey and basketball and soccer are essentially the same thing on different surfaces. Basketball is a bit better because there's more scoring. Hockey is a bit worse because you need ice and a lot of weird equipment to play.

And really, soccer only thrives in places where it was introduced without compettion from the other major sports. Europe, Africa, and Central/South America are the soccer hotbeds, and it became ingrained in those places before they could encounter anything else. But when introduced simultaneously with other games, which happened in countries whose 20th century colonial influence wasn't solely European, soccer never wins. In Japan and Korea, they love baseball. In China, it's basketball. In the Phillipines, basketball. In the Caribbean, baseball. In America, football and baseball. In Canada, hockey. Head-to-head, soccer doesn't fare well; it needs a monopoly in its early stages to take hold. And even then, it sometimes becomes overshadowed.

So let's can this idea that soccer has some intrinsic beauty that the others lack, and let's stop giving so much credence to it being 'the world's most popular sport.' Let's appreciate it for what it is- an ordinary sport that happened to stake its claim earlier than the other sports, has a lot of nationalism at stake every four years in a fun competition, and is slowly being eclipsed around the world.

The New York Yankees - 9.0

We had 13 games against scrub competition, and we won 11 of them. Fantastic. It was good enough to claw back into a tie for the best record in baseball with Tampa Bay.

The NBA Finals - 1.0

A) The referees are ridiculous. I'm not sure if they're fixing things, or if they're just bad. I lean toward the latter. But at this point, the foul calls are as arbitrary as World Cup results. I think it's the influx of flopping from European players. Their influence has rubbed off on American players, and professional basketball has turned into soccer 2.0. They should ban Europeans from the league.

B) I watched like twenty minutes of last night's game. I started in the third quarter, when Kobe went off. That was fun to watch. But Boston scored almost every time down the floor, and Pau Gasol looked like a giant ninny. Once Kevin Garnett started pounding his chest, and the camera panned to a stadium full of Red Sox fans experiencing joy, I turned the television off.

C) I hope David Stern and the referees decide that the series should go to a game 7.

I just read over this post, and I am a Grumpy Gus today. Ties are not good for your mood.

Weekend Prep, the Cup Runneth Over

An awesome start to the World Cup today, as South Africa earned a tie with the hated* Mexican team. I've been watching the matches on internet streams all day, and let me tell you, it's...okay. Uruguay and France are tied at 0 in the 35th minute as I type, and my early prediction of Uruguay-South Africa as the teams that advancing isn't looking horrible.

*by me.

Of course, that prediction is based on zero actual knowledge. And thus far, Uruguay looks kinda horrible. It seems like a game that should end with France winning 3-0, but it's still 0-0, and it's still soccer, so who knows. Uruguay has a dude named Diego Forlan who I bet has no trouble finding girls. Make of that what you will.

Some new additions to the South Africa Crisis Watch List:

-6 people hurt in a stampede incident at the World Cup concert last night.

-3 British died in a bus accident outside the World Cup host city of Nelspruit. Not strictly World Cup related, but it does showcase the infrastructure problems.

-Nelson Mandela's great-grandaughter was killed in a car accident while coming home from a concert. This kept the political icon from attending opening ceremonies today. Sad stuff.

In other news, the Yanks host the Astros this weekend in another series we should win. Roy Oswalt will not be pitching. But Javy Vazquez will. Call it a wash.

That's it for the week. I don't need to tell you what's happening tomorrow. Get your patriotic colors on, and warm up the vocal chords. It's time for national glory. I dare you not to shed a tear at this absolutely beautiful digital rendering of a waving American flag.

Rue, Brittania!

Before I get into World Cup stuff, a quick diversion into everyone's favorite: girlfriend story! As you may remember, she has taken quite a shine to the New York Yankees in the past year, despite growing up in a tragic household bereft of sports. Her favorite player is Teixeira, who she somehow thinks is attractive. I've bought her a Teixeira t-shirt and a Gardner t-shirt (she also think he's cute, which probably doesn't bode well for my own looks...), but her ultimate goal is to land a real Teixeira jersey. I've told her this next step in her fandom must be earned. You don't just give someone a jersey. Not for nothing.

Last night, she took a big step toward earning the #25 pinstripes. It started off inauspiciously enough, when she fell asleep in the third inning (approximately 8pm) and stayed out for the duration of a game that ended in a 4-3 loss to Baltimore. Jake Arrieta, the Orioles pitcher, had a nice major league debut, and the Yanks lost only their second game to the Os this year (9-2).

But as she drifted off to sleep a few minutes later after I cajoled and finally lifted her to the bed, we had this sleepy conversation:

Her: We lost...that stinks.
Me: It happens.
Her: Good for that young pitcher, though.
Me: Yeah, but fuck him, right? He's not a Yankee.
Her: But he might be some day.

So far, this is pretty typical. She's much nicer than I am, and will try to find ways to be positive while I'm pretty quick to resort to negativity. But her next comment, after a long pause, shows a gigantic step in her evolution as a Yankee fan. It is simply glorious.

Her: But fuck him anyway. He's not a Yankee now.

YESSSS!!!!!

It was a very proud moment. In the secret book of jersey points, she just gained a couple notches.

Moving on to the good stuff: WORLD CUP. COPA MUNDO! MUNDIAL! LE COPA DEL MONDE! COPADOR AL MUND! I'M MAKING UP LANGUAGES AND WORDS! MONDU LE COOP! COPAA WAARLD! THAT LAST ONE IS DUTCH!

I'm pumped. Today, it's South Africa-Mexico at 10pm, and France-Uruguay at 2:30. I only have one modest request for these opening matches: I would like both South Africa and Uruguay to win by a score of 15-0. That's it.

What I really want, though, is for the US to beat England tomorrow. This might sound kinda crazy, but if that happens, I really don't care what they do in the rest of the World Cup. I mentioned yesterday that I bought a book called "Among the Thugs," and holy shit, English hooligans are truly alarming. I read over 100 pages just last night (awesome book, by New Yorker scribe Bill Buford), and so far it's basically a story of some really huge British low-lifes going to foreign places, drinking, pissing in public, vomiting, rioting, stealing, and beating up women and children en masse. No joke. We're talking extreme death and destruction. So far, my conclusion is that anyone who romanticizes the hooligan culture in England or elsewhere should be lined up with the hooligans themselves and shot into a deep pit.

That being said, I know the 'hoolies' aren't representative of the Brits in general. But still...we don't have those guys. It's a huge fucking deal in America when someone runs on a field, or, as I said yesterday, when the kid in Philly puked on a girl on purpose. That disgusting act would literally be the tamest thing a British soccer hooligan has ever done. When you consider that the US has the most violent sport in the world (actual football), and that entire seasons go off without anyone getting killed, and no riots, and only a smattering of fights between fans, it's fairly amazing.

So if you want to get fired up for tomorrow's match, just picture a bunch of fat, pasty, dumb Brits with bad teeth ganging up on a 12 year-old Italian kid and kicking him while he's on the ground. I linked to the story of the British government rounding up passports of known hooligans with records yesterday, but I hadn't yet started this book. Now, it makes a lot more sense. It's not much of an exaggeration to call them the scum of the earth.

(Editor's note: at this point in the blog, cue up your favorite patriotic song. We recommend "Proud to be an American." And please take the rest of the words with a giant red, white, and blue grain of salt.)

But guess what? The Brits have always been a bunch of thugs. Remember taxation without representation? Remember the Boston massacre? Granted, nobody likes Boston, and they probably did something annoying to deserve it, but still...it was a massacre! That's bullshit!

But we showed them. We showed them in 1776, and then we showed them in 1812! Well, more like 1814, once we recovered from having Washington burned. But after that, they didn't dare steal our sailors and conscript them for British army duty!

And remember 1950? 1-0, bitches! The Miracle on Grass! That's also our record against England all-time in the World Cup. Undefeated.

I could go on. Their government is a shambles. They treat the Irish like shit, which really pisses me off. They have crappy food. They can't even organize a pick-up soccer game without someone getting killed by unruly fans. Wayne Rooney is ugly. And Queen Elizabeth? Only the second-best Queen Elizabeth in history. I said it. And you know what else? Neither one of them could hold a candle to former first lady Elizabeth Monroe.

The beautiful land will prevail. It's guaranteed. Honesty: I can only name like five members of our team. There will be times even during US matches when I'm a little bored. If you asked me whether I'd rather have an historic US World Cup victory, or just the guarantee that the Yankees would win their next five regular season games against the Red Sox, I'd go with the Yanks in a heartbeat. I'd rather catch a Robbie Cano foul ball, or play ping pong with Nolan Smith. These are the limitations I face, day to day.

That being said: I've never been more certain of anything in my life. We're going to win. We're just better people. It's true, and they know it. We are a superior country to England. I could go on and on. But it boils down to four words, and I'll leave you with those. No more needs to be said.

The World Cup Pump-Up Jam

Here we go!

I just bought this book at Borders during lunch, by New Yorker writer Bill Buford, and the first two chapters are amazing. Basically, he follows English low-life hooligans around as they wreak havoc on everything. And "Among the Thugs" is a fantastic title. I'm creeped out, interested, and frightened all at once. It's the perfect way to greet opening World Cup day. I'll probably read the entire thing tonight.

So. In a previous post, I went on record as questioning South Africa's viability as a host nation for the World Cup. It's time now to check in with the South Africa World Cup Disaster Watch. There still hasn't been a truly horrific incident, but the list of "minor" troubles is growing. The roster:

1) The Nigeria-South Korea stampede

2) A journalist was held up at gunpoint, and two others were robbed.

3) Four Chinese journalist were robbed on the street. (Quote from the article: "The four scribes were approached by a 'several armed black people' after they pulled over to the side of the road en route to an interview in their rented car Wednesday, the Beijing News said." I hope the victims had more to offer when the police quizzed them on the assailants' descriptions...)

4) A Chilean reporter was robbed. (Article en espanol.)

5) Greek players had money stolen from their hotel room.

6) This one is particularly disturbing, and I'll just quote the first paragraph: "Johannesburg – Police guarding the English team’s World Cup training camp arrested an off-duty officer after a high-speed chase down the wrong side of the road near the team’s hotel, media said on Wednesday." That just about says it all; the guy was apparently a colonel and a senior officer. Yikes.

The main lesson so far: don't be a journalist in South Africa. Statistics show that members of the media are the victim in 60% of all World Cup crimes.

Speaking of crime and soccer violence, British police are trying to stay ahead of the game by arresting a bunch of home-grown hooligans before they can leave for South Africa. These were the guys who wouldn't turn in their passports, despite a banning order that required 3,143 of them to do just that. But 25,000 English supporters will still be heading south while the government holds its collective breath; they have a future World Cup bid on the line.

Here's an article called "Football is War," another good read about how athletic passion has led people, and even nations, out of control. Thanks to Jake for the link. It's incredible how fucking crazy and awful European soccer fans can be. I mean, this excerpt really says it all:

The football stadium became a kind of reservation where taboos on tribal frenzy and even racial antagonism could be relaxed, but only up to a point: when the taunting of Ajax supporters as rotten Jews degenerated into actual violence, sometimes accompanied by a collective hiss, mimicking escaping gas, the city authorities decided to step in. Some games have had to be played without the presence of rival supporters.

In a bizarre way, it kind of makes me proud to be American. At least our sports fans are (mostly) civilized. Most of the time, the worst story of the year is something from Philadelphia like a fat kid purposefully throwing up on a little girl, or a dude being tased for running on the field. Maybe an overturned car or two, and some random fires. Good, clean fun. None of this frenzied murder or intense racism. God bless the stars and stripes!

That's it for now. Polish your vuvuzelas, and let your deep hatred of other nations bubble to the surface. It's World Cup time.

One Day More: World Cup Teams as Les Mis Characters

First Les Miserables reference in SCSD history? I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm not looking through 387 posts to find out.

Anyway, that particular song ("One Day More") could fit very well with the World Cup, which starts tomorrow. I could probably assign different teams to the different characters, and their lines might even make sense. If I were so inclined. Since I'm not, I'll just say that the most badass and creepiest line of the song, sung by Inspector Javert, would belong to the Germans. Tell me what you think:

Germany:

One more day 'til revolution,
We will nip it in the bud!
We'll be ready for these school boys!
They will wet themselves with blood!

Perfect, right? It combines everything we know to be true about Germany- a crisp arrogance, love of order and establishment, utter rigidity, and a horrifying sadistic-erotic undertone corrupting every thought.

Hell, let's keep going. The following sequence, from the crafty, snaky, despicable Thenardiers, goes to Italy:

Italy:

Watch 'em run amuck,
Catch 'em as they fall,
Never know your luck
When there's a free-for-all,
Here a little `dip'
There a little `touch'
Most of them are goners
So they won't miss much!

The 'here a little dip' and 'there a little touch'* signifies their strategy of flopping at the slightest contact and putting the game in the hands of the referee ('watch 'em run amuck'), at which point they excel. 'Never know your luck when there's a free-for-all' indeed.

*That couplet is perfect. It should be Italy's team slogan.

More:

South Africa:

I did not live until today!
How can I live when we are parted?
Tomorrow you'll be worlds away
And yet with you, my world is started!

They are really loving the World Cup in their backyard. It's a whole new world where the main theme isn't racism or violence. But what happens when it's gone? How can they go on??

Valjean's opening lines go to Team France:

France:

One day more!
Another day, another destiny.
This never-ending road to Calvary;
These men who seem to know my crime
Will surely come a second time!

Everyone knows they stole their World Cup berth from the Irish. The 'men' who know their crime can be seen as the referees who learned from the video replay, soccer fans in general, and even karma. They will come a second time, and justice will be served. (Some historical scholars argue that 'the crime' being referenced is Zidane's headbutt, and the men coming a second time are the Italians, bound for yet another victory.)

Do I even need to point out who takes the roll of the idealistic students striving for a better tomorrow?

USA:

One day to a new beginning
Raise the flag of freedom high!
Every man will be a king
Every man will be a king!
There's a new world for the winning
There's a new world to be won!
Do you hear the people sing?!
The time is now!
The day is here!!!!

OH GOD I'M SO PUMPED! Hear that, England? Every man will be a king, you monarchical motherfuckers! The people are singing! There's a new world to be won! And what did they used to call America? That's right, the new world! Whoa, England! Whoaaaaaa! Freaked out yet?

Hopefully we don't meet the same fate as the students who sang those words- waging battle with a crude defense for about an hour before being utterly decimated by a European superpower.

And to whom shall we give Eponine's heartbreaking lament? I think the Netherlands, a consistently great team who can't seem to break through and win a World Cup.

The Netherlands:

One more day all on my own.
One more day with him not caring.
What a life I might have known...
But he never saw me there!

The 'him' refers to the World Cup trophy. It would be fair to call this one a 'stretch,' but then again, you're reading a post comparing characters from a musical to World Cup teams. So fuck you.

Next comes Enjolras, the leader of the students. He's highly motivated, blindly zealous, and a strong leader. But also doomed; he dies in the battle because he overestimates his support and hasn't assembled a strong enough force. I'm liking Argentina for this one. There's a good amount of hype around their squad, they have three inspiring strikers and can be very dynamic. They'll win a lot of casual and neutral fans, and people will start believing. The groundswell will build, but eventually their weaker midfield and defense will damn them to a round-of-16 exit while more anchored teams move on. It will be fun to watch along the way, though.

Argentina:

One more day before the storm!
At the barricades of freedom!
When our ranks begin to form!
Will you take your place with me?

Finally, the religious, ambiguous, rousing finale goes to Spain, a very Catholic country who won Euro Cup 2008 and are probably the best team in the tournament (seriously, watch this goal):

Spain:

Tomorrow we'll be far away,
Tomorrow is the judgement day
Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!

World Cup Preview, Group D

TODAY'S POST IS WRITTEN BY DUTCH PARTY-MAN AND STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND POLITICAL JOURNALIST ANDERS KNURTSEN.

GROUP D

The Netherlands

holy SHITS man, this is my country! We are fucking of the awesome, are you serious? Get ready america, NOBODY is to party like someone from the holland. every shirt i am wearing is orange for 8 fucking years you guys! are we remember taht mikel stip from rem is singing 'i have my spine i have my orange crush'??? taht is my country, ORANGE CRUSH! kick every single team right in the pants! for real, show me any sexy girl and i will show you how to make every single womans underwear drop in the whole room!!!!! ah yes baby, you can ask your friend or whomever you find, anders knurtsen can trick them to having kiss. yowwww~~~~!!!! i am six foot fores and my hair is BRIGHT RED. i will make serious guarantee. team netherlands will score 90 friggin goals every game. arjen robben, i promise he will party like no other!!! dancing on the midfield and probably doing funny prank like dressing up like BEAUTIFUL LADY to seduce the referee into making horrible call!!

Denmark

yuck, man, single most BORING country in all of europe. so serious you are going to denmark only by accident on way to driving to france or someplace. wow man it is like hell in there just all weird unhappy peoples. i am telling you honest, there is one good thing about denmark and it is a play named hamlet written by old man from greats britain. if someone of denamrk writes that play, believe me it would be boring like the WORLD RECORD fattest encyclopedia. everyone there all the time lecturing about glaciers. so sucks, large time. i one time went to party in denmark and even girls there HAVE PENIS! just kiddingggg!!!!!! this is a classic holland joke. no penis on girls but oh man they will not even dance unless music is just lyrics of a retired person reading instructions for making birthday cake. so dumb you guys! if ever you land by accident of denmark, disguise as a sheep or something and travel the land until you see a bunch of people partying nonstop like total fucking nutsos and then you know you have REACHED NEDERLANDS!!!!!

Japan

i am hate to say anything ill about a bout japan because many of awesome musicians i like have career on that island. many respect for asia japan, they have two million girls wearing cartoon clothes and all to giggling make me so confused. i swear you guys my control goes WACKO when i am around too many japan girl, i start dancing like EDUARD THE MADDEST MONKEY and just party until i am collapsed like sack of wheat in bamboo bedroom. but is weird, i am not know until this morning year that any peoples in japan know soccers. they are fourty times amazing at ping pongs and ninja but i have flied to japan so much and never saw even one ball! this makes my mind go whatttt?!?!? maybe they are thinking it is giant game of ping pongs? i don't know! one evening i am down by ocean in japan and old man in japan dress begins singing. i am not understand his voice because they alphabet is confusing like too many riddles at bedtime, but is so beautiful. i see the moon and have his song in my ear and i am like oh crap japan maybe total BEST country on planet. everyone there says i am wicked and kind.

Cameroon

what the fucks man?! i am know nothing absoltue ZERO about twhatever this place is. camera-oon! in holland we having saying never touch a hot plate if you see a speck of smoke but then again how are we to know what to eat? cameroon maybe will surprise entire universe and win world cup by 800 goals. is possible, you guys. i am full of mysteries about this country. what is national anthem? are they from anartica ocean? maybe their whole peoples have big homes of ice, or maybe they treat a kitten as an EMPOROR?! lololol i am all the time joking you, i hope they don't have cat king, how frightening no? but for serious if cat is king it probably will have trouble from dog revolution. a dog is a dumb creature we are all to agree, but once they understand how many muscle they own it is bad horrible day for whole cat empire. he will be taken down from cat throne forever and made to fetch bowls of milk and dog treats from neighborhing nations until the day cat god takes him for upward to cat heaven. this story is superly not fun, man i can't believe i am FUCKING CRYING TEARS while i write.

This Pumps Me Up So Much (World Cup)

As if I wasn't excited enough, Nike had to launch the best commercial in the history of commercials. The Rooney sequence is my favorite. Intense.

Group D Previews coming later today...

Wednesday?

Sorry, I couldn't think of a good headline for this post. ESPN, on the other hand, had no such problem last night. I logged on to the home page at about 8pm, and found these two dandies back-to-back in the right sidebar:

Pronger Not Discussing Illustration of Him in Skirt

Maple Bars Prove 'Irresistible' to Seahawks' Tate

Fantastic. It's not that rare to find a real gem plunked in the middle of a legitimate website,* but two in a row? Unheard of.

*(Total digression: one of the saddest things I've ever seen in media was when CNN.com started offering its readers the opportunity to buy a t-shirt of any headline featured on the site. It was a trainwreck you could see coming from a mile away; in order to make it work, the writers came up with increasingly 'wacky' headlines, included more and more 'wacky' stories, and tailored the website's coverage perceptibly toward the goal of selling t-shirts. The infuriating move shifted the focus to bizarre, shock value news items, and pretty much ruined their credibility, at least in my eyes. Someone else must have felt this way, too, since the t-shirt option is no longer available. Or maybe it just didn't sell...)

The first link, about Pronger and the skirt, proved to be dead, but a quick google search turned up this image, from the Chicago Tribune:


And they say good journalism is dead! Also alive and well? Male chauvinism.

I wonder how many writers and editors at the Tribune's copy desk were needed to come up with "Chrissy Pronger." Really A+ material, fellas. Also, "Looks like Tarzan, skates like Jane" is a poor imitation of a truly classic description invented by Red Sox fans back when Johnny Damon was their left-fielder: "Looks like Jesus, throws like Mary."

The second link, about the Maple Bars, came through for me in a big way. Apparently rookie receiver Golden Tate sort of broke into a bakery on the bottom floor of his building. Or a friend did. Either way, their intent was to obtain some of the shop's famous 'maple bars.' I recommend reading the entire story, but here are some of the really wonderful quotes:

Tate said the Top Pot doughnuts store is in the bottom of the building in which he lives in Bellevue, Wash.

"Freshly baked. I made the mistake of -- a buddy made the mistake going in grabbing a couple. We ate them," the former Notre Dame star said after an organized team activity. "This is the wrong type of media I want to bring to the organization."

I love how that quote starts with "freshly baked." Like, "I'll get into the important details of the embarrassing trespass in a second, but first I'd like everyone to know exactly what we're talking about. These were not stale maple bars. They weren't even the day-old kind that are sometimes half-price. These were right out of the fucking oven, man." And then he makes sure to add the maple bars were, in fact, consumed. Golden Tate may be guilty of borderline robbery, but woe to the man who accuses him of wastefulness.

Tate said police gave him a warning. "They just kind of said 'don't do it again,' which I won't."

He also called the incident a "foolish mistake."

"But," he added, "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go."

This might be the most complicated staged marketing stunt ever...

Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said he has already spoken with Tate about the incident.

"No, I'm not disappointed at a guy being at a doughnut shop at 3 in the morning when they got maple bars like Top Pot has," Carroll deadpanned.

"However, under the circumstances, I think they were closed or something like that, trying to close, or whatever," the coach said. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that. I do understand the lure of the maple bars."

In a development that should surprise no one, my favorite college coach has become my favorite NFL coach.

Tate said he understands he could have learned a lot tougher lesson than getting some bad publicity off a warning.

"I'd rather learn on this ... than on something on me being arrested or cited, something bigger," he said. "Next time I will have the buddy go in and buy them instead."

"In the future, I'll obey the normal standards of commerce, involving the exchange of currency for goods, that have been taught to me since I was a small child, and which every other citizen abides by under penalty of arrest and jail. Simply put, I will purchase, not steal. What a wacky misunderstanding!"

Okay. On to other business. First, the Yankees are back in Baltimore, and happy to be there. There are a few really nice attractions for the team in that particular metropolitan area:

1) A beautiful inner harbor.
2) The National Aquarium, hmoe to more than 660 species of animals.
3) The world's shittiest baseball team.

In a game that was never really close and always on the verge of a blow-out, the Yanks won 12-7. Hughes picked up his 8th win, and Cano moved back into first place in the AL batting race with a 3-4 night. The big highlight was Curtis Granderson with a Granderson Slamerson* that broke the game open in the 3rd.

*If you're a patent or copyright or trademark lawyer, please get in touch with me about this new catchphrase.

But the Yankee win was far from the most exciting story in baseball last night. That honor belongs to the debut of Steven Strasburg, who went 7 innings, gave up 4 hits, walked none and struck out 14 batters!

So, let me join the chorus: this kid is fucking special. You can watch video of all 14 strikeouts here. His curve is absolutely disgusting, but my favorite part of that video comes at the 1:22 mark, when the batter just watches a fastball go right down the middle for strike three. Why would he take that pitch, I wondered? Then I looked at the rader: 101 miles per hour. Oh. Right. That'll do. At the end of that video, he gets triple-pied by teammates, and the tv lady puts a plastic Elvis wig on his head. Somehow, it all seems appropriate.

My friend Spike, a Mariners fan, sent me an e-mail with this .gif of Strasburg's curve.


His commentary was brief: "Holy shit. Fear."

By the seventh inning, when Strasburg strikes out the side to reach his total of 14, the crowd is electric. And this is a Washington Nationals crowd! But I don't need to say another word, because Seth Curry Saves Duke! correspondent Nick was actually at the game. He must have used our blog's name to get a press pass, or something. Anyway, he was kind enough to send a dispatch, and I conclude the morning post with his take from the center of the fray:

As a lifelong DC resident, I have a real special place in my heart for the Nats. We got the team during my senior year in high school, and many a lazy summer afternoon was spent at shit-tastic RFK. At $5 for an outfield seat, it was a popular event to get some friends together, maybe grill a bit beforehand, and watch baseball. It was such a luxury just to have games to attend- people didn't even care who won. When the Nats started out red-hot in their first half-season, it was a huge bonus. Heck, even after back-to-back 100-loss seasons, every win since has felt like a bonus.

Washington is actually pretty underrated as a sports city; our football stadium is the second largest in the NFL and sells out all 100K+ every game. We're so starved for a winner that we've recently embraced hockey, selling out many nights at the Verizon Center. Unfortunately, just like the political system that inhabits our city, we're big on hype and talk but short on real accomplishments.

And then there was Strasmas.

I've never seen a Nationals crowd like I did tonight. People are so excited about this kid that last Friday's game almost sold out when rumors circulated that he'd start the first home series in June (I myself gambled and bought a ticket). At 40,000+ capacity, the place that usually feels like a museum on a Wednesday in November was absolutely hopping tonight. A buzz pulsated all around, and people packed in around the bullpen to watch the guy warm up. When he finally hit the mound, the entire stadium roared, only to go completely silent in the windup. The first pitch: a 97 MPH fastball. And he was just getting started.

He got faster with each pitch, bringing it to 100 and mixing in some absolutely wicked sliders to boot. I saw batters cringe, expecting to get hit, only for the ball to slice back in for a strike. Knees were buckled, batters were flummoxed, and before it was done the guy had 14 strikeouts. It was the kind of performance this city hasn't seen in years. (Side note: yes, I know Ovechkin is amazing; I probably watched 60 Caps games this year. But in hockey even the superstars only play about half the time, and only spend so much time on the puck.) Strasburg dominated from the first pitch right up until the last strikeout, his 7th in a row to end the night. Hell, people stuck around to watch the postgame interview on the big screen. Amazing stuff, truly a game to remember.

Welcome to DC, Steven Strasburg.

Tupac Responds!

It's Nick Time, everyone. Was supposed to post this on Friday, and got real busy. Nick's other stuff is here:

-The Duke Offseason Report
-Duke is the best team in the NBA
-The Roy Williams take-down
-The 'Zombie Singler' Theorem
-Duke-WVU Final Four Preview

This post is a response to "Why Duke Will Not Repeat" from esteemed rapper Tupac Shakur.

From the desk of Tupac Shakur:


An Open Letter

SIRS-

It is with great sorrow that I write to you on this, the first day of June, in the year of our Lord 2010. Last week, while summering with Norman Mailer, I was between copies of The Economist, so I went to check on my favorite sports blog. I used to shun the mutterings of the hoi polloi and the so-called “blogosphere” that promotes such drivel, but I must admit I am an ardent follower of SCSD, even if its coverage of sailing and airplane races is woefully inadequate. Needless to say, I nearly choked on my foie gras when I saw that a dear Duke supporter had the temerity to befoul my favorite basket-ball team, mere weeks after triumphing in the NCAA’s penultimate game.

The Blue Devils are, of course, my favorite representatives of the ivory towers. As a graduate of the prestigious Baltimore School of the Arts I strongly support strict adherence to fundamentals, especially in basket-ball. Naturally, with their fine attention to set-shots and crisp chest passes, I find Duke the worthiest of all competitors.

I also feel a bit of kinship with the history of Duke as well. In the late 1980s we were both new but unproven commodities on the national scene - I as a secondary lyricist for Digital Playground and Duke with regular appearances in the Final Four. Needless to say, we both “broke out”, as it were, in 1991 with Duke and I winning national championships and releasing 2pacalypse Now, respectively. Christian Laettner and I both received criticism for our blunt and provatative style, but such is the norm for groundbreaking work. I responded with Strickly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z. and Christian with another national championship.

Our story continues to parallel in the mid-90s, when Coach K had to leave the team in 1996 due to exhaustion and I was found guilty of sexual assault in 1994. I was so upset by Duke’s season in 1996 I staged my death; sure, I had been wanting to retire from the intellectually barren world of hip-hop anyway, but seeing the team go down like that was too much to handle while trying to maintain a public image. Furthermore, while sometimes I miss music, it has served as a means to an end: All Eyez on Me went quintuple-platinum (despite my being incarcerated during its release), and the royalties from that project have allowed me to continue my lavish lifestyle on a newspaper salary, where I write under the pseudonym George Will.

Once again, my garrulous nature has distracted from the ethos of my letter. Without further ado, please allow me to present my rebuttal to the aforementioned article.

ON THE 2011 BLUE DEVILS:
THE GREATEST TEAM OF ALL TIME
By Tupac Shakur

My heart will always have a place for the 2010 team. They had a dogged persistence to continue with a set offense and white point guards even though the evolution of the previous decade would suggest this was no longer a winning strategy. Finally, a win for bluebloods and purebreds instead of freewheeling punks. Nevertheless, the 2011 team will be The Odyssey to 2010’s Iliad.

FIRSTLY: let it be known that the accomplishments of Jon Scheyer, while extraordinary, will not condemn the Devils to a shortage at the lead-guard position. I was shocked that SCSD would publish such a fallacious argument that the production transition from year to year must be one-to-one. Individually, Irving can not match Scheyer next year, but that will not be his role. He will be a catalyst for other players, merely the spearhead on a deadly arrow. With Dawkins, Smith, and Curry, the scoring load at guard will be well compensated; Irving’s role will be to accelerate the tempo and keep opponents aghast with dazzling foot-work and fingertip-roll-attempts. Furthermore, scoring options will be more numerous at the post position as well, as the Brothers Plumlee are an upgrade offensively over the seniors of last year’s team.

SECONDLY: Nolan Smith and Kyle Singler need not improve. Although ridiculous, let’s for a moment accept the premise that Nolan and Kyle are done improving atheletically (even as the Court General K suggests otherwise). Would such a negative outlook even be a problem? Show me a coach that wouldn’t like to have the Final Four’s Most Outstanding Player exactly as he was in March. Furthermore, Smith has already proven effective as a lead player on a championship squad. While certainly every college team relies on the improvement of players from year to year, our advantage in having fully-developed players should be an advantage, not a worry.

FOLLOWING: Our rotation in the post. Forget for a moment how heartwarming it is that two seniors finally figured it out after three years. Our rotation is ready now. We bring in a junior stalwart at center whose only weakness seems to be having overzealous attitude on defense. Furthermore, have we forgotten that Mason Plumlee is quite possibly the most highly-regarded player coming out of high school on last year’s team? His upside is tremendous (he’s slated as a lottery pick in 2011), and this year his growth won’t be interrupted with a broken wrist before the season. With so much success last year, we’ve completely neglected Ryan Kelly, another player whose talents haven’t been fully realized yet as he isn’t done growing.

The most important aspect of our frontcourt is presented thusly: all three of these players (and, I should mention, newcomer Josh Hairston) are extremely fast baseline-to-baseline, a suit that will flourish nicely with a higher tempo next year. If anything, our frontcourt with Irving will be more effective than last year, as we won't rely on role players to dictate the offense from primary scorers; rather, all five players will be sufficiently suited to attack and play pressure defense.

CONCLUDINGLY: Certainly, the field will present surprises next year. However, remember that almost every single worthy player bolted for the draft this year due to the impending lockout next year. If anything, the field will be worse next year than they were in the preceding year. While any run in the tournament relies on luck to a degree, no one will be better suited to succeed than the Blue Devils.

Bitch!

The South Africa World Cup Disaster Watch

With four days to go before competition begins, it's time to consider the implications of a World Cup in South Africa. Before broaching the subject, though, it would be irresponsible not to issue a few disclaimers. So: if the event comes off without a hitch, it will be an inspiring story for South Africa and the continent in general. It will provide a boost to the economy, and the image they present to the world. And as a negative disclaimer, it's worth mentioning that the greatest sporting tragedy happened in a European country.

That being said, I can't help but think a World Cup in such an unstable nation is a bad idea. South Africa's issues cover the spectrum, from infrastructure to politics to civil strife (the country leads the world in all categories of violent crime). RW Johnson did a great job documenting these problems in a short piece in May and a longer one from last December. In addition, South Africa's borders are frighteningly insecure. They had to submit a comprehensive security plan to FIFA before landing the Cup, but are we supposed to believe that disruptive elements can't slip through the cracks? Is that even possible?

In January of this year, the team bus of Togo was attacked by machine gunners en route to the African Cup of Nations. They were in neighboring Angola, but the theme of a bus attack was revived when the new World Cup transport buses were fired upon in Johannesburg by proponents of a rival minibus taxi agency.

And as if to illustrate the potential magnitude of a disaster, a stampede this past weekend before a Nigeria-North Korea friendly led to a worrisome police reaction. They blamed FIFA for issuing free tickets, and took far too long to summon ambulances to the scene. Luckily, nobody dies, and the stadium is not one that will be used during Cup play, but 15 people were hurt, and it demonstrated clearly that if something terrible does happen, the shoddy state of South Africa's police and rescue forces will seriously aggravate the damage.

Rumors are already circulating about potential terrorist attacks. While none have been verified by the US or any other international body, it does seem like the ideal time and place for an attack. Along with incredible exposure, foreign visitors, and an international audience, terrorists are gifted with an insecure border and a police force who will surely be stretched thin by an absurdly high rate of domestic crime. Under these conditions, can we really expect South Africa to put up a 'clean sheet'?

I'm on record: the World Cup in South Africa is a terrible idea. I'm very excited for the tournament itself, and I hope all teams, players, and fans stay safe. But I certainly don't expect it. I'm very uneasy with fearmongering, and hope I'm not guilty of it with this post. But let's just say that if the erratic ball turns out to be the biggest tragedy in South Africa over the next month, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Five in France, Two in Toronto

Or: Rafa and Robbie, Redux. Or: A really awesome weekend for me, except I was getting a place in Chapel Hill and flying home to New York on Sunday and only got to see the first set of the French.

1.


He's done it. With a dominating performance against Robin Soderling, Rafa is back on top in Paris, boasting 5 French Open championships. The Once and Current King of Clay didn't drop a set on his way to the title. He avenged last year's 4th-round loss to the Swede, and proved that he's the greatest clay-court player in history. This latest, most definitive proof came with a resounding clarity, more coronation than contest.

And it was a restoration, too; after his miracle win against Federer in the 2009 Australian Open, Rafa experienced his first major bump in the road. His knees failed him in Paris, he was held out of Wimbledon, he managed a gutty semi-final charge in Flushing, but only lasted to the quarters in the Australian. To make matters worse, his parents separated in June, a split which undoubtedly affected the family-oriented star. Greg Garber wrote a strong piece on the subject last summer, and noted that it might have played a larger role than anyone suspected in his troubles. Meanwhile, the knee tendinitis had experts (and Nadal himself) questioning whether he could ever return to championship form. 2009 was a year of breaking down.

But those who love Nadal love him because he's a warrior. Resilience is one of his greatest weapons, and just as it never fails him on the court, it powered him to a full rehabilitation in Mallorca. He roared back to dominate the clay circuit, and was the heavy favorite in Roland-Garros. The return was triumphant; he never saw a fourth set. And on Sunday, he was rolling around in clay again, biting the silver Coupe Des Mosquetaires and smiling at the flashbulbs. But an even better moment came in the immediate aftermath, when Rafa sat courtside and sobbed into his towel. That emotion had built up for a year, not just a match, and the outpouring was a catharsis.


2.


Sweet Robbie knocked in the go-ahead hit with two outs and men on second and third in the 8th, saving the Yanks from an embarrassing sweep in Toronto. We were lucky to salvage even one win; up to that inning, the Bombers scored 3 runs in 25 innings. But Robbie came through, lining an inside fastball the opposite way for a 2-RBI single. The pen held the lead, and the Yanks maintain a speck of momentum going into this week's series with Baltimore. You can watch video of the hit here, and Robbie's post-game interview here. I love the look in his eyes with the pressure on; it reminds me of A-Rod. They both transformed into badasses after struggling in the big moments early on.

Check out Robbie's "clutch" runners in scoring position numbers from 2009 and 2010.

2009: .207/.242/.332
2010: .355/.403/.629

3.

The Boston (long yawn) Celtics evened (eyes coming unfocused) the NBA Finals at (head nodding forward twice, waking with a start) one game apiece with (stretching out the arms luxuriously) a big win (mouth opening wide) against the Los Angeles SNOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

4.

Blackhawks go up 3-2 in the Stanley Cup Finals. We're getting closer to my ideal scenario of Philadelphia having their hearts broken in overtime of game 7.

5.

I'm running a World Cup Pool. You can read the format below, and e-mail me at shane dot spr8 at gmail dot com if interested. $15. See you this afternoon.

The format is as follows: there are 32 teams in the World Cup, and they start in 8 groups of 4 teams each, playing 3 round robin matches. You can check out the groups here:

Groups.

After the round robin play, the top 2 teams from each group advance into a 16-team elimination tournament.

This will be a 2-part pool.

Part 1

Pick the top 2 teams from each group. Scoring:

Top 2 correct: 6 points
Top 2 correct, wrong order: 4 points
Only #1 correct: 3 points
Only #2 correct: 2 points
Only 1 team correct, wrong placement: 1 point

Part 2

Pick the 16-team elimination tournament bracket. 1 point for each elite 8 team, 2 for each final 4 team, 4 for each championship team, and 8 for the winner (and yes, I know they don't call it the elite 8 and final 4 in the WC, but I'm limited by my American vocabulary).

There will be a prize for the winner of part 1, a prize for the winner of part 2, and a grand prize winner. If the grand prize winner also wins either part 1 or part 2, those lesser prizes will go to second place. The nice part of this format is that even if you tank the group stages, you can still win the elimination portion. The tournament starts on Friday, June 11, and the championship is on July 9. Feel free to forward this to friends and family and romantic interests.

The Quickness

Here's how busy and ridiculous my day has been: a few minutes ago, I discovered that the Yanks were playing an afternoon game. Apparently they're up 6-3 in the 7th inning. Great.

JUST GREAT.

I MISSED THE WHOLE GAME.

Glad they're winning, though. I don't have a lot of time to indulge my blogging habit this afternoon, but I do want to toss out some quick links.

First, an awesome article from the New Yorker about the World Cup. It focuses mostly on the US-England match-up, the histories of each team, US goalie Tim Howard, and Landon Donovan. Really a great read. Oh crap, I just noticed you can only get the abstract online. Trust me, buy the mag. Good article, and it's written by someone named "Hampton Sides," which is a pretty awesome handle.

Second, Robinson Cano's hit streak has reached 17 games. Watch out, Dimaggio.

Third, tonight is NBA Finals game one. I recommend enjoying Bill Simmons' preview.

Fourth, Selig won't reverse last night's call. That position was defended earlier today on the Times, in a post I agree with wholeheartedly. Thanks to Em for the link.

Fifth, Rafa tries to advance to his fifth French Open semifinal, and Soderling tries to meet him there, tomorrow. The festivities start at 7am Eastern. Rafa goes second.

Sixth, and last, I'm gone tomorrow. Nick's Tupac piece will be up in the morning, so you'll have that to enjoy over the weekend. Sayonara.

Morning: The Robbery in Detroit

It's impossible to lead with anything else. This was one of those moments that makes you sick as a sports fan, and curbs your enjoyment of anything else that might be happening.

The situation: Armanda Galarraga, Detroit pitcher, is one out away from a perfect game. Though there have already been 2 perfect games in MLB this year, it's still a very rare phenomenon. In fact, it's only happened 20 times in the the game's history. Galarraga was on the verge of a legendary accomplishment. Then this happened. Fireworks start at the 1-minute mark.

I flipped over from the Yankee game to watch this last inning on ESPN, and I can honestly say that my heart was in my stomach. It's not that he lost the perfect game; it would have been interesting and exciting if Donald had managed a base hit to break it up with two outs in the ninth. The same thing happened to Mussina once, against Boston. At least then, he would've lost the perfect game fair and square. But to lose it on a blown call...

The Detroit announcer's incredulous, repeated cry says it best: "why is he safe?"

It's pretty heartbreaking. And not just for Galarraga (though especially for him). Jim Joyce, the umpire, is a well-respected guy throughout the league. He's had a long and distinguished career. We're not talking about a guy like Joe West or C.B. Buckner who seem to always make the wrong call, and are on a constant mission to make the game about themselves. Since 1989, Joyce is humble, Joyce is good, Joyce is reliable.

And Joyce fucked it up, big time. In his own words:

"Most important call of my career and I kicked the shit out of it. I took a perfect game away from that kid over there who worked his ass off all night."

The full audio, bleeps and all, is well worth your time. You can listen here.

Nobody feels worse than Jim Joyce this morning. But you have to wonder: even on a bang-bang play, why would you ever err on the side of the runner? If I was umping that game, I'd be terrified to wrongly cost Galarraga the perfecto. And it wasn't even bang-bang! The guy was out by a step! I still can't get over it.

To everyone's credit, there were a lot of classy reactions. You saw Joyce's above, taking full responsbility. The Tigers followed suit. After (rightly) chewing him out on the field, Jim Leyland struck a magnanimous tone after the game, saying that Joyce has been a "good umpire for a long time," and forgiving him for missing one call.

As for Galarraga, he was beyond magnanimous. In his post-game reaction, he didn't say one bad word about Joyce or his call. In the locker room, the Venezueland pitcher had this to say:

He feel really bad. He probably feel more bad than me. As I say before, nobody's perfect. Everybody is human

Again, that video is highly recommended. He went on to express his admiration that Joyce apologized to him. When the ump came over to express his regrets, the two men hugged. You can't say enough about Galarraga- what a forgiving, awesome guy. That was the best part of the whole night. And he smiled the whole time.

However, there will be more incendiary reactions, such as this one. And people will clamor for instant replay, or a 'challenge' system for managers. The so-called 'human element' is not sitting well with the masses these days. The general sentiment, especially in the aftermath of an episode like last night's, is 'bring on the robots.'

I hope you didn't think I'd exhausted the angles from that game. Oh no. Let's add to these to the mix:

-Austin Jackson's incredible catch to get the first out in the ninth.

-Various TV and Radio calls of Donald's hit, the most famous of which will always be "He's out! No! He's safe. He'sssss safe."

-Donald's take on breaking up the perfect game.

-And how about this: nobody will talk about it, since they got the out, but Miguel Cabrera should have been nowhere near that ball. But I get that it was a tense moment, and he didn't want to let it go through. Still, if he sits tight at first base, that's a routine ground-out.

My final verdict: baseball is an amazing, amazing game. Even when it makes you feel awful, it's infinitely interesting.

I guess I'll move on. Believe me when I say this detracted from the easy Yankee win I predicted yesterday. But it also overshadowed from a pretty huge story:

Ken Griffey Jr. retired.

It's too bad he went out with a whimper, struggling to even be below average this season, but part of me admires guys who play as long as they can. Tip of the cap to the Griff. We all know that barring injuries, he'd be the all-time home run king. And I like to think he never juiced, too.

Okay, on to the Yankees. The 9-1 win gives Hughes his 7th win, tied for the league best. (Oops, just looked it up, and apparently Price now has 8. Consider myself corrected.) He went 7 strong innings, and bolstered an All-Star caliber resume. Barring a collapse in June, we'll be seeing him in Anaheim for the midsummer classic.

And Robbie Cano...oh, Robbie Cano. 3-4, 2 singles, 3 runs scored, 2 RBI, and his 12th home run of the year. The hitting streak is now at 16 games and counting. And top it off, he's your current AL batting leader at .373. As someone who's been promoting Cano as a potential legend since the beginning, these first two months have been incredible. I'm giddy every time he steps to the plate.

Something else that makes me giddy: last night's lineup. The injury bug is leaving us alone for the time being, and we put out a studly nine: Jeter-Swish-Teix-A-Rod-Cano-Jorge-Granderson-Cervelli-Gardner. It doesn't get much better than that. And although Jorge is hedging his bets, and still wants to catch, he seems to be coming to terms with the fact that our best lineup has him at DH.

After the game, the press asked Girardi for a comment about the adventure in Detroit, and he had an interesting take:

Girardi suggested that Major League Baseball should think about overturning Joyce's call and crediting Galarraga with the perfect game that television replays clearly showed he had earned. Galarraga instead settled for a one-hitter.

"I think it's something baseball should look at, possibly," Girardi said. "If they do change it, it doesn't affect the game, it doesn't affect the outcome. I know it would be the first time that it ever happened, but you're talking about a very unusual circumstance here. I don't know what will happen. I don't want to open up a can of worms, but..."

And apparently there are other sports happening...

*NBA Finals game 1 tonight. I probably won't watch much of this series, but I'll definitely have to miss tonight's game because I'm on a plane to Carolina to search for housing. I predict Lakers in seven.

*Coach K will not be coaching in the NBA. Still. Please stay tuned for the next installment of this exact same story, coming next June.

Gah, that's it for now. An afternoon post today, and then I'm off for tomorrow. Nick will be filling my shoes with the long-awaited Tupac-Duke article.

Rafa Wins!

And I am home from work, and will soon be taking advantage with a quick nap. If you're by a tv, check out Djokovic-Melzer, in the 5th set and on serve. Yanks continue to roll tonight; book that in your itinerary.

Morning: Rafa and Robbie

Hey hey, guess who earned MLB Player of the Week honors for May 24-30?

BOOM!

Batting .565 with 13 hits and 9 RBI will get it done, yessir. With two hits last night, he has 7 straight multi-hit games, and a 15-game hitting streak. Red Hot Robbie can do no wrong.

Last night, I had to go pick up an air conditioner in Manhattan a little before the game started, and was not looking forward to battling traffic over the Brooklyn Bridge and on the FDR. But as I set out, Suzyn Waldman came on the radio and announced that she'd be interviewing...Robinson Cano! What a treat! Seriously, it lifted my spirits immeasurably. I love those life moments when a chore becomes less crappy due to blind luck. Anyway, here are the main things I gathered from the interview:

*Robbie works out every other day this year, which helps him with energy and discipline. His usual workout partner is A-Rod.

*A-Rod told him that he used to share his struggles hitting well with men on base, and that Robbie just has to focus on taking the same swing in all situations. He attributes his 2010 RISP success at least partly to this advice.

*I'm pretty sure he doesn't know Joe Girardi's name. In several situations, he referred to "the manager" in a way that makes it clear he's not overly familiar with the man.

And the Yanks barely capitalized on a Miguel Tejada error to open their series against the Orioles with a 3-1 win. The always-confusing Javier Vazquez had a really strong game, and is now tied with CC Sabathia for wins. Yikes.

Tampa and Boston also won, so the Yanks are now 2.5 back in the loaded AL East, and 2 games up on the Sox. Tonight, Hughes goes for win #7. After being shut down by one mediocre pitcher, the Yanks figure to break out in a big way. I'm predicting an easy win.

Let's get to Paris.

At the moment, Serena is down 1 set to Australia's Samantha Stosur. They're on serve, 3-4, in the second. When they finish, it's Rafa Time.


Today is the quarterfinals, and he's taking on fellow Spaniard Nicolas Almagro. Almagro, ranked 17th, took down the always-tough Verdasco in the last round, so he must be pretty legit. I'm secretly hoping for another rain delay so I can watch the match at lunch. The bitch about grand slam tennis in Europe and Australia is that I can only watch a maximum of 2 or 3 matches. Not fair, I tell ye.

Samantha Stosur just broke Serena to take a 5-3 lead in the second. Time for a special LIVE BLOG feature! I'll be live blogging the potential last game of the match as I watch the updates on the IBM Slam Tracker.

9:23: Serena takes the first point!

9:23: 0-30 Serena! Can she save her tournament?

9:24: The IBM slamtracker has a red-clay colored motif.

9:24: 15-30. Three points from victory.

9:24: 30-all. This is getting realllll!!!!!

9:25: Break point for Serena! Good God.

9:25: SERENA BROKE HER! OH MY, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS! BACK FROM THE BRINK OF DEATH! STOSUR WILL REMEMBER THIS ONE FOR YEARS! HER AUSTRALIAN HEART JUST GOT BROKEN BY THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE WOMEN'S GAME! THIS IS WHY THEY PLAY THE MATCH, FOLKS! GOODNESS GRACIOUS! A MERE TWO POINTS AWAY FROM TOPPLING GOLIATH! WOW! SPORTS!

Thanks for listening. I'm hoping for a third set to increase my long odds of seeing any of the Nadal match at lunch. See you this afternoon.

The End of an Era

For the first time in 23 major tournaments, a span that lasted from Wimbledon 2004 until about an hour ago, Roger Federer will miss a grand slam semifinal. Cheers, Mr. Federer- it was a fantastic, historic run.


His streak of 23 straight semis more than doubles the next highest total, 10 each by Ivan Lendl and Rod Laver. Since it began, he's won 14 major titles, and lost to only 4 men: Marat Safin (2005 Australian semi), Novak Djokovic (2008 Australian semi, when he had undiagnosed mononucleosis), Juan Martin Del Potro (2009 US Open final) and Rafael Nadal (1 French Open semi, 3 French Open finals, a Wimbledon final, and an Australian final). His record was 135-9. He completed the career grand slam. He held the #1 position for almost the entire duration. He played in two of the greatest matches of all-time: a loss to Nadal in Wimbledon 2008, and a win over Roddick in Wimbledon 2009. He surpassed Pete Sampras for the most major titles in history.

Simply put, it was the greatest streak of individual achievement in athletic history. Against top tier competition, he was always among the top 4, a finalist 86% of the time, and the champion 60% of the time. Everyone who reads this blog knows that Rafael Nadal is my favorite athlete, so I think it's fair to call myself unbiased when I say that Federer is the best tennis player the world has ever seen. It's always funny to say something like that, but in this case it's not hyperbole. There's just no argument for the other side. In the past six years, we've watched an unthinkable stretch of sustained excellence.

And now it's over. I just watched the last set in a bar, and Soderling was fantastic. This match was no fluke; the Swede was the better man. His forehand was accurate and hard, and he earned service breaks under extreme pressure. Federer pushed him at all the crucial moments, but Soderling wouldn't crack. He was 0-12 against Roger before today, but all that changed. When he beat himself on the chest after match point, it didn't feel like the brash act of a lucky upstart. It felt earned. Now, he's the only man to beat both Federer and Nadal at the French Open. In fact, he's the only man to ever beat Nadal at Roland-Garros, and the only one besides Nadal to defeat Federer on the Paris clay since 2004.

We're probably in line for a Soderling-Nadal final, when Rafa will have his chance to avenge his only loss at the French. There's work left to be done for both, but Rafa is in top form, and Soderling looks fairly unbeatable. This Sunday, we might be in for an immovable object-unstoppable force situation. It will be awesome, but it'll also be a bit strange. At this point, it's expected that Roger will at least play for every Grand Slam title. But he'll be missing in action from here on out, resigned to the status of spectator. For the first few points of the championship, we'll certainly feel like something's amiss. After a profound six years, we finally have time to consider our amazement. It's the end of the Roger Era.

Morning: More National Championships!!

Welcome back from the long weekend. Let's be honest: the majority of us are not where we want to be at the moment. If you're like me, you spent three days cultivating a screwed-up sleep schedule, and you're now paying the piper, groggy on anywhere from 4-6 hours' rest. In my case, it didn't help that the girlfriend and I have yet to install an air conditioner. Last night was one of those tossy-turny evenings where bad dreams and wakefulness blend into a hot, uncomfortable stretch that culminates in anger at the mere fact of morning.

And I swear, the human body is like a furnace on those nights. Having two together in close proximity is a disaster recipe. I remember waking up several times and thinking 'My God, why is this other person so close to me?' before the crucial facts of my life came into focus. Then I'd try to nudge her back to her side of the bed without seeming too violent. Another thing: why are hot nights so fucking itchy? It's like the area between my shoulder blades waits until the worst possible time to be like 'screw it, let's fire up the nerve endings. Now or never, baby.' Bottom line: I could never live in the tropics.

So. We're all back at work, and nobody's pleased. But let's try to be positive.

*The Duke Lacrosse team won the national title! The program has been top-notch for a while now, and they made the final game in the two years immediately following THE SCANDAL, so this was bound to happen. Now that it has, maybe the associations with the program can start to shift. Probably not, though, since the alleged rape was national news that the media jammed up with 'cultural significance,' while this is news to sports fans only. Still, the freshmen on that 2006 team, whose season ended after 8 games, were 5th-year seniors for the title, and that's a nice detail.

The victory came in overtime, and after a defensive battle, the Devils needed about 5 seconds to end it. You can see the video highlights on the front page of ESPN Lacrosse, but basically, CJ Constabile won the face-off, charged down the field, and scored. Nobody really got in his way, and it was kind of a crazy way to end a game where goals were very hard to come by.

For full disclosure, I didn't watch the game. I did see the end of the semi-final win against top-ranked UVA, but it slipped my mind on Monday and my pal Nick texted me the results. My other friend Nick, a Dukie I was hanging out with in Prospect Park, heard the news and said the team should celebrate by hiring the same stripper from the scandal.

Ouch.

*I went to two Yankee games this weekend, Friday and Sunday, both wins. The Bombers took 3 of 4 from Cleveland over the long weekend, and if not for an ugly, ugly loss on Saturday, it would've been a clean sweep. Basically, this team can win as long as the starting pitcher goes 8 innings and we have a 5-7 run lead when they leave. Luckily, that seems to happen a lot.

*Heat Check: Robbie Cano has flames on his bat. He's pushed his BA back up to .363 after a cool early May. That number is second only to Justin Morneau (whose numbers are just absurd, and is a heavy favorite for MVP if he keeps it up). He's also 6th in RBI (40), top 10 in home runs (11), 5th in OBP (.405), and 4th in wOBA (.435).

If I had to guess right now, I'd say that Morneau will cool off at least a little (his BABIP is a crazy .430), and Cano will remain steady and win his first batting title. Predictions aside, I'm just happy he's must-see TV again. When I woke up on Sunday, one of my main motivations for hitting the stadium was to see him play.

Let's get hyperbolic:

5 Reasons Why Robbie Cano Can Break Dimaggio's 56-Game Hit Streak Record

1) He hits for a high average.
2) He never, ever walks (5.9% walk rate, lowest by far among the game's best hitters).
3) He never strikes out (12.4%, in the top 1% of all players).
4) He always makes contact (88% of swings, top 1% of all players).
5) He's finally hitting well under pressure (.339 with RISP, .316 in 'Late and Close' situations).

Why not? His current streak is 14 games. The eyes of the world are upon him.

*Roy Halladay gave Major League Baseball its second perfect game in the same season for the first time since 1880. I was able to catch the last 3 outs this time, and even though he plays for the Phils, it was pretty exciting. I'm convinced that in almost every situation, it's impossible not to root for the perfect game. Even if the Yankees were the team getting dominated, by the 9th inning I'd probably be pulling for perfection unless a) it was still close or b) it was the postseason. There are only a handful of pitchers I'd root against if the perfect game was on the line. Here they are, in order of hatred. Some don't play anymore. One wasn't a starter. One isn't a pitcher.

1) Josh Beckett
2) Cliff Lee
3) Roger Clemens
4) Armando Benitez
5) Curt Schilling
6) Randy Winn

*As of now, the AL East has 4 of the 5 best records in the American League.

*The Yanks should have 3 starting pitchers in the All-Star Game, and none are named CC Sabathia. Pettitte has 7 wins and a 2.48 ERA, Hughes has 6 and 2.70, and Burnett has 6 and 3.28.

*Hockey and Basketball: time to root against Philadelphia and Boston. The good news is that the Blackhawks took a 2-0 lead last night and are well on their way to a big Stanley Cup win. The NBA finals begin Thursday. I very much doubt I'll watch any of the games, unless it goes to game 7. I'll be curious to see the tv numbers. NBA Finals Nielsen ratings peaked in 1998, when Jordan won his 6th title against the Jazz to earn an 18.7. The lowest ever happened in 2007, when the Spurs and Cavs only managed a 6.2 (file this under "More Reasons Why Lebron is Not the NBA's Savior). In their previous match-up in 2008, Boston and LA bumped that number up to 9.2, which is still the 9th-lowest total since 1976. I imagine we'll see a lower figure this time around, but it'll still probably top 6.2. My official prediction: 8.7.

*9 days until the World Cup!! I'm very, very excited.

Plug away, my friends. We'll make it through Tuesday yet.

Young Hearts Be Free Tonight!

I was just g-chatting with someone, and mentioned that my girlfriend and I were meeting up with another friend and his wife for dinner, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M OLD.

Meeting up with married couples? The only way I should be meeting up with married couples is if I'm taking my parents on a senior citizen play date, you heard?

Seriously, I need to do something really young. I need to find a tire and burn it in front of a 7/11. I need to collect every traffic cone in town and put them all on a teacher's lawn. I need to read 'Atlas Shrugged' and think it's a good book.

I am going to a Yankee game, though, which is some solace. And speaking of young hearts, two news items of note:

1) Rafa advanced to the third round with another easy straight sets win. He'll take on Lleyton Hewitt next. You can see some of his press conference at that link.

2) Did you like 2009's "Joba Rules"? Then you're going to love this year's edition: Hughes Rules! Coming soon to a horribly frustrating baseball season near you!

That's all for the week. Orlando tries to make history tonight, and the Suns struggle for survival on Saturday. There may be a weekend post, or there may not. We'll see. In exciting news, Nick the Contributor has mentioned possibly writing something about Duke in the voice of Tupac Shakur. That's either going to be completely amazing or a total train wreck. I'm hoping for both.

Until next time, here are the top 5 Rod Stewart songs that will make you emotional.

5) Sailing
4) Forever Young
3) Young Turks
2) Maggie May
1) Ooh La La (only kind of a Rod Stewart song...he was in a group called The Faces, who wrote and performed it, and he covered it later in his career. This was the closing credits song in "Rushmore.")

Morning: Video Day

First, the Devils visited Obama at the White House yesterday to receive their public accolades. Back in early February, I called Obama out for using his powers to make us lose to Georgetown. Now, things have come full circle. Like the Yankee visit to the white house, Obama has a few jibes, and it's a fun watch. Thanks to Nick for the heads-up.

Second, apparently there's an official World Cup anthem. Sometime-reader Wynn, who is down in Haiti doing good work, linked me to the video, saying nobody in America knows about it. It also might be the most-played radio song worldwide. I tend to agree with his assessment: "it's really perfect and great. but terrible."

WHEN I GET OLDER, I WILL BE STRONGER!
THEY'LL CALL ME FREEDOM!
JUST LIKE A WAVVVVVING FLAG!

I'm on board with whatever emotion I'm feeling right now.

Now that you've had your fill of video, time to really crunch some words. First, Javier Vazquez is hopeless. Another game, another average fastball below 90mph. The Twins lineup just annihilated him, and they salvaged game 3 of the series 8-2. Vazquez now sports an ERA of 6.86, and it's time to admit that he's not even a competent 5th starter. Not for the Yanks. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I doubt we can afford to have what amounts to an automatic loss in every 5th game. Against the powerhouse AL teams, he's going to get crushed. He has no confidence in his fastball, for good reason, and because of that he's not even throwing consistent strikes.

Is it time to talk trade? Mitre? I don't know. But the Vazquez experiment won't end well.

It's a bad time for Vazquez to fail, too, because there was no chance the offense was bailing him out last night. Here are our run totals for the last 6 games: 2, 3, 1, 4, 3, 2. It's a combination of slumps, poor situational hitting, and pitchers who throw strikes. A-Rod has nothing to offer right now. Teix might be breaking out his slump (4 hits in the past 2 games), or it might be another false alarm. Cervelli and Gardner are coming back to Earth, like we knew they would. A lot of it amounts to bad timing and bad luck, which happens every season. We were lucky to have two great outings from AJ, Andy, and the bullpen to steal a couple from the Twins.

The good news: Granderson is back tonight. More good news: our schedule for the next month doesn't look too bad at all. It begins tonight, against Cleveland. I'll be heading up with the girlfriend and parents, and hopefully the gf can get back on track after witnessing her first ever live Yankee loss against the Rays (7-1 lifetime).

*Los Suns Los Lost. Now they have to win a home game 6 to force game 7 on the road. I can't imagine Kobe and company going down that way, but I guess stranger things have happened. Los Suns are all about la esperanza, so I'll do them the favor of not losing it yet.

*Tonight, Orlando vs. Boston. Since the NBA badly wants a Lakers-Celts match-up, they reduced one of Kendrick Perkins' technicals so he could play tonight.

*Speaking of that, I made a mistake yesterday when I said that only one team had forced a game 7 in the NBA after trailing 3-0. It's actually happened 3 times, and each time the team that came back had to play game 7 on the road. And each time, they lost. If Orlando can pull off a win tonight against the odds, they'll be the first team to come back from 3-0 and have game 7 at home.

FAX TONER CRISIS AT WORK! GOTTA GO! Later on, some more baseball chatter, probably.

World Cup Preview, Group C

Helping us out as a guest author for the World Cup previews is noted soccer historian Emmanual Claire. He's been covering soccer for more than thirty years for various publications in an around southern Europe, and is noted worldwide for his historical and cultural approach to the game. We're pleased to welcome Mr. Claire to Seth Curry Saves Duke!, and we hope you enjoy his previews over the coming days.

GROUP C

England

The "Royal Gentlemen's Briar Pipe Brigade," as Team England likes to be called, has yet to compete in international play due to a refusal to leave their country or allow other teams in. This combination of arrogance and xenophobia has contributed to their lack of success over the past 40 years, a trend they'd like to reverse in South Africa. Though the English managed a World Cup victory in '66 by intimidating other players with such deprecating phrases as "poor form, sport" and "boring play, rather," they haven't come close in the decades since. A large part of their recent failure stems from being the last team in the world to insist that each player must descend from nobility. By strict adherence to this rather class-conscious bylaw, England misses out on a large pool of middle and lower income talent. But they've made an exception of sorts this year; midfielder Lawrence Stein comes from a wealthy Dover family, he is not nobility, and the team's media guide refers to him as "England's first Israelite footballer." Though Stein was poorly received at first, he has endeared himself to the British faithful by expressing a hatred of the poor, immigrants, Catholics, Scots, and "those who would impugn the crown."

USA

From Nebraska to Florida to New Hampshire, the US National team has assembled the very best athletes from the pool of males who were not good enough to play for their high school football team. A ragtag bunch, these soccer stars command very little respect inside or outside their border. Within America, they're known as also-rans, purveyors of a second-tier sport where nobody can score a goal and 90% of matches end in a tie. Outside America, they're known as enthusiastic-yet-feckless bench jockeys on the handful of Premiership teams who annually face relegation. Yet since soccer depends mostly on luck and the caprice of bad referees, Team USA has a 50/50 chance to win any individual match. In an interesting bit of whimsy, team captain Lyle Mansfield once spent ten hours wearing another person's glasses.

Algeria

After a long and confusing war for independence with France, Algeria is asserting its sovereign status in high style this summer. When they descend on South Africa, each player will be wearing a native headdress made from cormorant feathers painted with Turkish blood, and will be required to keep it on at all hours. Though intimidating, the adornment can become cumbersome during matches, where the 20 pounds of additional weight can lead to fatigue and slothful play. However, it gives the team a crucial sense of identity in a world that does not seem to accept them. The African National Congress, in an official statement, noted that Algeria "is definitely not part of Africa." The European Union, when asked if the nation belongs to their continent, responded with a resounding "fuck no." Even the usually inclusive Mediterranean Sea seemed unenthused: "Eh. Technically, I guess...I mean, I don't know. It's not...I'm not in a rush to hang out, you know?" Several independent atlases confirm that Algeria is located on the Mediterranean in Northern Africa.

Slovenia

When the former Czech Republic broke up near the end of the Vietnam War, two independent countries were formed: Czechoslovakia and Slovenia. Since they could no longer be called 'Czechs,' the people of Slovenia had to choose a new name. After a national poll, 'Slovines' was selected. Unfortunately, they neglected to notice that the name rhymed with 'bovine,' a word which means 'cow-like.' Soon enough, the world was referring pejoratively to the 'bovine Slovines,' who are, unfortunately, one of the more obese nations on Earth. President Armen Basiljian decided that it would look cowardly to change the name, so he ordered the populace to embrace the cow comparison. For that reason, the Slovenian national team will be wearing black and white spotted uniforms, complete with a tail and small udders extending from the underside of their shorts. Though off-putting at first, it allows for a wonderful goal celebration wherein the scorer lifts his leg while teammates pretend to milk him into a bucket. Dear, dear Slovenia. Clever to the last.