In just a moment, I'm going to turn this post over to long-time contributor Nick, the man who brought you such hits as the Duke-WVU preview, a Roy Williams take-down, and Zombie Singler.
Before I do, though, two quick Yankee things:
First, Robinson Cano is better than Dustin Pedroia. That's according to six unaffiliated scouts. Booya. I guess that means Robbie will get two undeserved MVP awards.
Second, the Yanks visited the White House yesterday. You can read the details and watch video of Obama speaking here. Earlier, everyone on the team visited wounded soldiers at Walter Reed.
Okay. So Nick's post is pretty epic, and I hope I can do it justice with formatting. Basically, he set out to disprove the...well, screw it, let's hear it in his own words. Take it away, Nick.
Duke in the NBA: The Manifesto
Ah, yes. All is right with the world on this wonderful April day. Duke has some freshly cut nets and a brand new trophy. Undefeated at home, ACC regular season and tourney champs, and NCAA tournament champion. Duke has once again proved that they are without a doubt the class of the NCAA. I could wax poetic about their success all day.
LISTEN DOOKIE!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID CHAMPIONSHIPS YOU ONLY HAVE THEM BECAUSE K RIDES THE REFS AND GETS ALL THE CALLS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF UR PLAYERS IS GONNA SUCK DONKEY DICK IN THE NBA IF THEY EVEN GET THERE WHICH THEY WONT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Really? Sucks in the NBA, you say? Prepare to have your shit wrecked using my two of my favorite things: tables and math.
NO DOOKIES PLAY IN THE NBA.
Hmm...Say, just how many Duke players played in the NBA this season, compared to other respectable programs? Exhibit 1:
Ga Tech: 6
Ohio St: 6
WHATEVERRR DOOKIES SIT ON THE BENCH AND LICK THE ASSHOLES OF REAL PLAYERS NONE OF UR GUYS DO ANYTHING.
OK, so Shavlik Randolph really shouldn’t count as an NBA player. Let’s get rid of all the scrubs. Computer, remove anyone that was benched for more than 15 games this year. Exhibit 2:
Ga Tech: 4
Ohio St: 1
Oh shit! Second only to UCLA. I can handle that. You know what else is interesting? It looks like we have six schools eligible to enter the world’s first 5 on 5 alumni tournament! Of the players left, let’s take the top 5 alums from each school (ranked by John Hollinger’s PER rating) and set some rosters. Here’s what it looks like:
What in the name of Christian Laettner? The K Army starting 5 go for 79.6 PPG, more than any other team? Our combined PER is better than any other team? We dominate in nearly every single statistical category? Say, those numbers are quite impressive, not just compared to other alumni teams. How would they fare against, say, the mighty Cleveland Cavaliers?
That’s right kids. Duke wins, 80-70. Congratulations Duke Blue Devils, 2009-10 NBA Regular Season Champions.