Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Taking the Wang Approach

For today's post, I thought I'd help out the New York Post and Daily News. Everybody knows the newspaper industry is struggling, and if they're going to survive into the twenty-first century, they'll need help. So I'm going to do my small part and write some potential sports headlines they can use over the summer. That way, instead of brainstorming for hours on end in search of that perfect pun, they can just check my list, pick their favorite, and devote the rest of the day to top-notch journalism.

There's a catch, though; all my headlines relate to struggling Yankee pitcher Chien-Ming Wang (whose last name is pronounced 'wong,' and yes, that's crucial to know, and no, after five years my stepfather has not stopped calling him 'wang'). But contrary to what you might think, these headlines are not baseball-centric. Sure, they can refer to his performance on the mound, but I also wanted to embrace a broad spectrum. The following twenty headlines cover any possible action Chien-Ming Wang might take over the next six months. I include paranthetical explanations of exactly when each particular headline should be used, since jokes are only hilarious if you explain them.

Again, I reiterate that on this list, 'Wang' is pronounced 'Wong.'

Here we go...



WANG ANSWER!

...to be used when he struggles on the mound, or appears on a trivia show and does poorly...


WANG BALL!

...to be used when he gives up a lot of home runs, or throws a sophisticated dance party for southerners...


GRAVITY WANG!

...to be used when he's 'coming back to Earth,' so to speak, or becomes an astronaut...


VIET WANG!

...to be used if he betrays the Yankees by joining the Red Sox, or America by joining a freedom fighting group from Southeast Asia, or does basically anything involving tunnels...not racist, because he's Taiwanese...


DING WANG DITCH!

...to be used if he gives up a home run and sprints off the mound in shame, or gets arrested for ringing people's doorbells and fleeing...


THE WANG SHOW!

...a reference to 'The Gong Show,' can be used whenever Girardi removes him from the game. Should be accompanied by a photo of Girardi hitting a giant gong. On second thought, this one might be a little complicated...


HOP-A-WANG CASSIDY!

...to be used if he develops a problem where his pitches sort of skip to the plate, or if he buys a horse and moves west to protect honest citizens from unscrupulous ranchers...


CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET A WANG?

...to be used if he gets really, really good, and every other MLB team wants to acquire him, or if he releases an album of protest songs and donates the proceeds to world peace...


KING WANG!

...to be used if gets really, really good, or becomes a checkers phenom, or takes control of a small nation, or destroys a series of large buildings...not racist, because he's Taiwanese...


LONG WANG!

...to be used if he goes deep into a game, or tries a career in amateur pornography and proves to be well-endowed...


A WANG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT!

...to be used if Wang pitches in a day game that goes extra innings and stretches into the evening, or does a successful cinematic re-make of Eugene O'Neill's Pulitzer Prize-Winning drama about a dysfunctional New England family...


LET ME SEE THAT WANG!

...to be used if he's sent down to the minors, but fans eventually clamor to have him back with the club, or if he's photographed on a beach wearing a thong that is decidedly too revealing...


SWAN WANG!

...to be used when he's pitching his final game, or is seen at a Tchaikovsky ballet, or is seen anywhere in a swan costume...


SIREN WANG!

...to be used if it's discovered that he uses his beautiful throwing motion to lure sailors to their death, or if he gets arrested for DUI...


WRIGHT AND WANG!

...to be used if he goes up against Jaret Wright, or makes a crucial development in airplane technology that warrants comparison with Orville and Wilbur Wright...


WANG WAY!

...to be used if he accidentally pitches a ball to second base instead of home plate, or drives any kind of vehicle in the wrong direction, especially a golf cart...


HE BE-WANGS TO THE LIGHT, HE BE-WANGS TO THE THUNDER!

...to be used if he pitches a great day game in horrible weather conditions, or gets married to Pat Benatar...


MAO ZE-WANG!

...to be used if the Yankees place giant murals of him all over the stadium, especially for political reasons, or if he becomes any kind of chairman, or communist, or even mentions China...not racist, because he's Taiwanese...


MAH WANG!

...to be used for complex metaphors comparing his pitching strategy to an intricate board game, or if someone invents a separate board game featuring his face, and it becomes inordinately popular with my mom and all her friends...


ALL A-WANG THE WATCHTOWER!

...to be used if the planet becomes an apocalyptic, blighted landscape with a pervading sense of imminent death, and Chien-Ming Wang is our only savior, the lone warrior standing between Earth and its nebulous doom...or if he's seen at a karaoke bar singing the Dave Matthews version of the song...

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