Monday, April 27, 2009

Brian Orakpo and the First Lady's Arms

There's a whole lot I don't want to talk about after this gut-punch of a weekend, so let me avoid the big issues for a day.

The NFL draft happened. My cousin Justin complained that I didn't include any coverage in my Friday post, but what can I say? I understand that people get really into the unending ceremony of the day, but I've never felt the pull. Obviously, I care who the Giants acquire (love our receiver class this year), and it's nice to know the first ten picks or so, but I can read the results on ESPN. I've never seen the allure in waiting thirty minutes between picks for a guy who might be an immediate flop. The time delay is like being at the horse races, but without the gambling rush or the exciting possibility that a living creature will be shot behind a white screen. (KIDDING!)

However, I happened to read the New York Post mock draft by Steve Serby on Friday, and came across what might be the strangest, most inexplicable line in newspaper history. To get an idea of Serby's format, check out the first three entries:

1. LIONS. Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia. Matt Millen would have picked Michael Crabtree. Brian Billick of Fox Sports likes the new face of the franchise, but cautions: "Stafford's accuracy is a concern."

2. RAMS. Jason Smith, OT, Baylor. Not the young Orlando Pace, but close enough.

3. CHIEFS. Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest. Someone to chase down Darren McFadden for the next decade.

You get the idea. Pretty standard. I scanned the list, half paying attention, until I came to number ten:

10. 49ERS. Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB, Texas. Mike Singletary would drop his drawers for a pass rusher with better arms than Michelle Obama.

Wait, sorry Steve Serby, my mind was wandering and I must have misheard. Can you repeat that for me?

Mike Singletary would drop his drawers for a pass rusher with better arms than Michelle Obama.

Hmmm, I still think I'm getting it wrong. Must be all this white noise. Can you say it a little slower?

Mike Singletary

would drop his drawers

for a pass rusher

with better arms

than Michelle Obama.

Say it with me now...




Not only does it make no sense...

You know what? Never mind. I'm not going to sit here and analyze the hundreds of layers of comedy and absurdity contained in that one sentence. It shall stand alone.

Mike Singletary would drop his drawers for a pass rusher with better arms than Michelle Obama.

Movinggggggg ON! The second and final order of business also involves Justin. Our fantasy teams went head-to-head last week, and on Sunday, the last chance to make up ground, he sent an e-mail after what appeared to be a significant amount of research. Note: Justin is a Yankees fan, his team is called "Gardner's Groupies," and my team is "Monsoon Season."

Subject Line: the ONLY reason to watch the game tonight

All of the Monsoon players are done for the day, the Groupies have Dandy Andy and Damon in the lineup tonight.

Areas where Groupies can/must gain points:

RUNS: Monsoon is up by 2. Can Damon cross the plate twice (or more) tonight?
RBIs: Monsoon is up by 5. Can Damon get 5 ribbies? Doubt it.
BBs: Monsoon is up by 2: This is possible but a stretch.
WHIP: we are tied. If Andy can be Dandy then I have a chance.

So, I have to rely on the SUCKEES coming thru for me? Wow, that’s asking a lot… if Damon has a career game (3 for 3 with 6RBIs, 3 Runs and 2 walks) and Andy doesn’t get shelled or walk the ballpark, then I may be able to steal my first Chaos league win…. A stretch? Absolutely. The worst part is that this will force me to at least watch Damons first 2 at bats before I call it a night and hit the hay….

Watch Girardi decide to give Damon the night off!!! HAAAAA!! Wouldn’t that be perfect?

- The Groupies

Based on that last sentence, can you guess what happened? Let's just say Justin's follow-up e-mail, after the line-ups were announced, contained the terms "Joe Girardi" and "piece of shit" in very close proximity.

Go Monsoon Season!

Oh, and by the way, for those of you who like to see such things in print: the Boston Red Sox swept the New York Yankees. Happy Friggin' Monday.

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