Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Loose Ends

Because of the high volume of fan mail I receive on a daily basis, I was forced early on to set up a secondary gmail account to deal with the overflow. My readers are a diverse bunch, and so are their comments and queries. But one request seems to pop up with strange frequency, and it's always some variation on the following e-mail, sent in by a loyal reader from Santa Fe, New Mexico:

"Dearest sir,

If one possesses slightly more than his Lord-allotted birth-share of perception, he may easily infer from your words a certain 'coolness' (if you'll permit me to delve into an urchin's vernacular). Yet the lingering question is one of degree; on idle days, one finds one's self puzzling on just how 'cool' you might be. Further hints or, indeed, outright evidence would be once, twice, and thricely repaid with the lasting currency of appreciation. Yours in athletic fondness,

-Dr. Thurgood Lazarus Mosquillera, III

PS- Coach K is a homo."

Thanks for the question, Doc. Since you and the other readers have been clamoring so long to know how cool how I am, I've decided to provide an answer.

THIS COOL:


That's from the Giants game on Sunday (obviously), and should remove any doubts that I'm the hippest dude on the blogosphere.

Moving on: quickly, I'd like to offer a heartfelt apology to TBS announcers Chip Caray and Ron Darling, who had the unfortunate task of calling the Yanks-Twins series over the weekend. Though both men are clearly consummate professionals, it was too hard for even these old pros to hide their disappointment when the Yankees had the audacity to win.

See, Chip and Ron had a lovely little storyline in their head, wherein the scrappy Twins and their scrappy payroll overthrew the evil Yankees in an improbable coup and rallied the spirit of every underdog in every nook and cranny of this great country in the most breathtaking upset since the American Revolution.

That's why Chip had to hyperventilate and gush breathlessly any time the Twins got a single, or why Ron had to bring up the Yankee payroll at least fifty times per game. Some might see this as bias, but I'm here to tell you that if anything, we are at fault. Chip and Ron worked hard to concoct a Hollywood narrative arc for this ALDS, completely in their heads, and if we expected the games to play out on the field without their help, it is WE who are biased against a good story.

Sure, when Jorge hit his RBI single for an insurance run 9th on Sunday to seal the series, Chip may have used the same tone of voice an American newsman would use to tell the country that despite a strong civilian defense effort, the Chinese Army had just overrun the state of Texas. And Ron may have spoken about Yankee players using the same distant, reproving tone most people's grandmothers employ when talking about the new neighbor who only goes to mass on Easter and Christmas, but really, how often do you get a nice custom-fit underdog story in sports?

Oh, what's that? ALL THE F#*$ING TIME??! F&$% YOU, CHIP CARAY AND RON DARLING, YOU PIECES OF DOG S^&*! THIS IS BASEBALL! BASEBALL, PR#*KS! CAN YOU DIMWIT MOTHERF#%&ERS UNDERSTAND THAT?! IT'S F*&$ING BASEBALL, NOT YOUR MOTHERFU*$%ING SH*%TY SCREENPLAY WHERE THE 'GOOD' TEAM BEATS THE EVIL F*&%ING GIANT CONGLOMERATE!! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, A#*HOLES, NOT THE F&*#ING CITIBANK SOFTBALL TEAM PLAYING A GROUP OF UNEMPLOYED AUTO WORKERS! GET A F*%$ING CLUE, AND MAYBE A HALF F*&%ING OUNCE OF PROFESSIONALISM WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! JUST A F*&%ING HALF, MIND YOU, I'M NOT EXPECTING A FULL F*&#ING OUNCE FROM A COUPLE OF SLAVERING S$*^HEADS OF YOUR CALIBER! F*#% YOU TIMES A THOUSAND, YOU F*&%ING BA*^%RDS! THE YANKEES ARE A F*$%ING MACHINE, AND YOU'RE IN THE F*^%ING WAY! VROOM VROOM, YOU SAPPY SONS OF B*&%#ES. NICK SWISHER IS GOING TO F$*% YOU IN YOUR MELODRAMATIC *()#$%u)#$*)(@#$*)(#@$())(*#()r%*@#)$#@.

(long inhale)

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


Seriously, those guys suck.

What else? Ah yes, my predictions! Behold, baseball Nostradamus hath delivered! Let's review the calls I made last Tuesday:

METRODOME MADNESS: Minnesota 5, Detroit 1

Close enough.

NLDS: Los Angeles Dodgers defeat St. Louis, 3-2

Correct team. Without Holliday's fumbling nonsense, this would be exactly right.

ALDS: Los Angeles Angels defeat Boston, 3-1

Correct team. Without Papelbon's incompetence, this too would be on the money.

ALDS: Yankees defeat Minnesota, 3-0

Booya.

NLDS: Philadelphia defeats Colorado, 3-1

Booya.

As of today, I'm more than halfway to picking a perfect playoff bracket. Baseball is probably (okay, definitely) the easiest playoff bracket to pick, but still, it's not a cakewalk. This would be a small milestone in a lifetime of awful predictions. Check out some hugely misguided Seth Curry Saves Duke! headlines from history:

Auf Wiedersehen, Europe: Don't bet against the Germans in any big war this century! (January 3, 1900)

Smooth Sailing: Titanic a shoe-in for easy Transatlantic voyage! (April 5, 1912)

Buckle Up: 1920s will be known in American history as a sad, stoic era! (January 1, 1920)

Dream On, Nerds: Nazi Enigma Code can't be decrypted by idiotic Allied intelligence! (August 10, 1940)

Camel Time: Arab countries will dominate Israeli military in six days or less! (June 5, 1967)

Get A Clue, Reagan: The wall ain't coming down! (June 13, 1987)

On The Record: Y2K is more serious than people think! (December 31st, 1999)

It's been a rough go, but I'm finally on the path to redemption. The ALCS and NLCS picks are on the way tomorrow.

That's going to do it for today, we'll leave some business for tomorrow. Expect a mini-homage to Jeter and Mariano, the predictions, and a little chatter about football. Here's a picture of Chip Caray trying to be hilarious:


"Hey guys, I'm using a guitar as a baseball bat! Please like me! I'm a real loon! F*#$ me for trying to ruin the playoffs!

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