Thursday, August 12, 2010

What it Means to be a Bad Yankee Fan

A dim interrogation room. Cements floors. Cement walls. Cement ceiling. A black table made of a really cheap kind of wood substitute that even IKEA scoffs at, plus two metal folding chairs with various dents, are the only furniture. A single bulb on a string swings overhead. No windows. A big, imposing man wearing suspenders. A bad Yankee fan.

Stern Interviewer: You must be pretty excited.

Bad Yankee Fan: What's that?

Stern Interviewer: I said, you must be pretty excited.

Bad Yankee Fan: Oh?

Stern Interviewer: You know...with the Yankees coming back and winning last night. 7-6.

(Bad Yankee Fan stares at his interrogator, trying not to react.)

Bad Yankee Fan: Yes. Yes, I'm excited about that.

Stern Interviewer: Because with Cliff Lee on the mound, and knowing you had Neftali Feliz waiting to close, things looked a little dicey.

Bad Yankee Fan: Yup. They did. Dicey.

Stern Interviewer: But that's part of the satisfaction of being a great fan, right? Waiting out the games that look like sure losses, just hoping for that rare surprise?

Bad Yankee Fan: Mm-hmm. That's certainly...that's certainly a good moment.

Stern Interviewer: Makes all the disappointing losses worth it, doesn't it. Doesn't it?

(Stern Interviewer slaps the table with both hands)

Bad Yankee Fan: I want my lawyer.

Stern Interviewer (laughs): Your lawyer? That's a good one! That's a really good one, bad Yankee fan. But it's too late for that. (stands, begins to pace) Let me tell you what I think. I think...I think you had good intentions. I really do, bad Yankee fan. I don't think you're a bad guy. But hey, we all get discouraged sometimes. So, maybe you slept this one out. No big deal, right? You must have been tired. God knows it was a hot day. You were running around in the heat all day, you must have been beat. Anyone would've been tired. And when the Yanks fell behind 6-1, well...who could it hurt, right? A little shut-eye? Forty winks?

Bad Yankee Fan: You can' can't prove anything.

Stern Interviewer: Hey, hey, settle down...we're just talking here, right?

Bad Yankee Fan: I won't answer any more questions.

Stern Interviewer (nods to himself): Fair enough. I gotta tell you, though, we've got your girlfriend in room B, and boy, she is singing like a canary. According to her, you were out like a light while the Yankees were coming back. You were out like a light since the 6th inning!

Bad Yankee Fan (shouting): She would never say that!

Stern Interviewer (in BYF's face, screaming): WOULDN'T SHE?! WOULDN'T SHE?! DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?!!

Bad Yankee Fan (starting to weep): Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

Stern Interviewer: You're scum, bad Yankee fan! You went to sleep on your team! Right when they needed you, you sulked off to bed! You let them down! You-

Bad Yankee Fan: OKAY, DAMNIT! (long pause) Okay. I did it. I fell asleep. But do you know how hard it is? The game didn't even start 'til 8pm! Cliff Lee was on the mound. I stayed through some bad times, man. I stayed through 4-1, with fucking Javy Vazquez on the mound. Do you know what it's like to root for Javy Vazquez? He can't break a pane of fucking glass with his fastball! He's got no heart! And then he gave up that last single, and it was 6-1, and...I went to bed. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?!

Stern Interviewer (kindly, back in his chair): Look. I'm sympathetic, I really am. I'll be honest with you- you can't be a Yankee fan anymore.

Bad Yankee Fan: What?

Stern Interviewer: You blew that. That's done, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the better.

Bad Yankee Fan: But-

Stern Interviewer: It's not negotiable, bad Yankee fan. But listen, I might be able to help you. (takes out a piece of paper) If you sign this confession, I can maybe get you off easy. I'm talking 2, 3 years of no fanhood, and then you ease into a National League team. Maybe even a decent one, like the Brewers.

Bad Yankee Fan: And if I don't sign?

Stern Interviewer: Well, I won't bullshit you...then it gets ugly. It's a long, drawn-out process. You'll appeal, and the appeal will get denied. You'll appeal to a higher court, and it'll get denied even quicker. In the meantime, you won't be able to enjoy being a Yankee fan, and you'll put your family and loved ones through hell. I've seen it a million times. Most guys, they end up living in a place like Jacksonville, rooting for the Rays.

Bad Yankee Fan: Oh no...oh no. Give me the pen. (scribbles his signature) There.

Stern Interviewer: That's it. Now hand it here. (Stern Interviewer takes the paper and prepares to leave the room)

Bad Yankee Fan: Sir?

Stern Interviewer: What, kid?

Bad Yankee Fan: Go Brewers...right?

(Stern Interviewer shakes his head sadly, and exits. Bad Yankee Fan is left in the room, his head on the table, weeping.)

Okay, we have some other things to cover.

-The NCAA's investigation of UNC Football should reach its conclusion by tomorrow. Nobody really knows what's going to happen, but it looks like the worst case scenario is now just the suspension of two players. Probation for the team does not appear to be on the menu. Best case scenario, everyone's exonerated. Good stuff.

-Crazy K-Rod fights with old men. The Mets remind me of these white trash-y neighbors I used to have. Constant strife and dysfunction, and once in a while the father comes home with a new car or a satellite dish or something, and everyone's all excited, and even as a nine year-old kid you're just like 'man, that is a bad decision.'

-A quick note about the Sunday Bull Session. This was my friend Nick's idea, and it's basically a way to wrap up the week with a little sports chat. The format in that post is a little tough to read, since a chat can become kinda convoluted, so I think in future weeks it may change. My big idea is a sort of "10 Questions" deal, where everyone involved brings a question, and everyone else offers their opinion in an orderly fashion.

Anyway, this is where I call on you, the readers. If you're around on Sunday mornings, and want to jam, let me know. Everyone is encouraged and welcome. The commenters who have been good enough to visit SCSD! are pretty damn smart and witty, and it would be awesome to get you guys and gals involved. I know at least fifteen people off the top of my head who would be awesome for this, and I'm sure there are many more out there who don't comment quite as often. So if you're interested, drop me an e-mail.

-Speaking of Nick, here's a YouTube video I've wanted to post for a while. It's a "beer pong slam dunk," which has apparently become a fad, but Nick insists that this video started it all. In other words, we're looking at the very first slam dunk ever attempted on a beer pong table. This is way more pure and original than all the copycats, and the best part's his dad. That's right. Nick's old man, in his late fifties, was unhappy about his level of play, and started brainstorming about a good way to help the team. So he decided to fly. Pay special attention to his graceful arm technique just before lift-off. The only way this video could be any better is if someone dubbed a little Chariots of Fire music over it:

PGA Championship starts today. More MLB fan stereotypes tomorrow. G'Day.


  1. For the record, I take exception to the portrayal of the Milwaukee Brewers in this post. While “decent” might be a compliment from a Yankees fan, I don’t think the city of Milwaukee nor its baseball club were represented as anything more than a small market nobody to New Yorkers.

    For the record, I would like to take this time to educate and share a bit about Milwaukee and the Brewers to people who would not normally acknowledge or care to know anything about this great city and region. Milwaukee is a Great City by a Great Lake.

    Your “Bad Yankee Fan” would be fortunate to be in the City of the Brew, Cream City, the City of Festivals, etc. TIME magazine proclaimed the addition to the Milwaukee Art Museum as its 2001 Worldwide Architectural achievement of the year. Like our baseball stadium, its roof is retractable. The largest music festival and Irish festival in the world are in Milwaukee. If it weren’t for Oktoberfest, the same could be said for the Germans.

    The Germans are responsible for Milwaukee’s most famous product: beer. The first and largest national brands included Blatz, Schlitz and Pabst. As Jerry Lee Lewis noted, it’s what made Milwaukee famous. The second largest beer company in the country, Miller, calls Milwaukee home. As always, remember to live the High Life.

    It is the city that gave the world Harley-Davidson motorcycles and Les Paul guitars. Such musical talents as Liberace, the Violent Femmes and Steve Miller are from Milwaukee. This is the home to “Happy Days” and “Laverne and Shirley”. The Zucker brothers, Gene Wilder and Bob Uecker are entertainers who hail from this fine city. Uecker, one of the most recognizable and entertaining people in baseball, is famous for his calls for the hometown Brewers as well as his movie roles, most notable in Major League, one of two baseball movies filmed here (the other being Mr. 3000).

  2. Part II

    Uecker is not the only famous Milwaukeean with connections to Major League Baseball. Bruce Froemming retired as the longest tenured umpire and as you might have guessed by now, hails from Milwaukee. Our commissioner, Bud Selig, regularly enjoys a proud Milwaukee tradition every time he is home, frozen custard.

    Baseball and Milwaukee both owe a great deal to Bud Selig. On the international front, Selig has expanded the reach of the game as never before. Nationally, he has increased revenue and attendance through interleague play and the wild card. His tenure as commissioner has been highlighted by labor peace between the owners and the union. To Milwaukee, he has given the Brewers.

    A former car salesman, Selig bought a minor share in the best supported team of the 1950s, the Milwaukee Braves. The team was the only one to bring the city a World Series, in 1957, beating the New York Yankees. The team was stolen and went to Atlanta and it was Bud who bought and brought the failing Seattle Pilots to Milwaukee. For the first time, we were in the American League. And Bud even brought Hammering Hank home for a swansong.

    By the end of the 1970s, the Brewers were beginning to rise. 1981 saw them lose a one game playoff to the Yankees but the following year the made it to the World Series. Harvey’s Wallbangers boasted the previous two Cy Young Award winners, the last two AL MVPs, the Rolaids Relief man and the AL Manager of the year. Yount, Molitor, Cooper, Fingers, Vukvich and Sutton are just a few of names of that team. Unfortunately they lost games 6 and 7 in St Louis to the Cardinals. The rest of the decade would be good but the Brewers would not see the same heights again. After the 1994 strike, the franchise began 15 difficult years. Bud, looking to sell the team, got one of the country’s premier stadiums built and a lease signed before, making sure Milwaukee would be home to Major League Baseball for years to come.

    Miller Park was the first of its kind – a baseball stadium built with a fan shaped retractable roof. It would be half a decade more before a team worthy of its facilities was put together.

    As a fan, the Brewers are a great team to support. In a city that loves to drink and be social, no better name could exist for a team than the Brewers. Bernie Brewer, the mascot, used to slide into a mug a beer. The right field bleachers are nicknamed the Beer Pen. They play in Miller Park. Could there be a team more accepting and encouraging of drinking and a great time at the ballpark? I doubt it. However an inning, a game or a season turns out, a great time will be had. Where else would racing sausages and roll out the barrel become endearing tradition?

    So that “Bad Yankees Fan” has fallen into better luck that he realized. We may not be able to go out and buy the top free agents on the market as needed, but as baseball’s smallest market, we don’t have to worry about bandwagon jumpers.

    Lastly, I would just like to say – F*ck the Cubs. Thank you.

  3. I'm glad to see the Milwaukee Bureau of Tourism is reading.

    I will say that I agree with your points, but I must ding you for oversensitivity. If I had to be a fan of an NL team, I would pick the Brewers...that's why I used them in the above. It wasn't supposed to be some big bad New York superiority thing...we all think your city is just adorable.

    Seriously, though, good commenting work. And I think most of us can agree with your last sentiment.


  4. Touche. One thing about Milwaukeeans, we have way to much civic pride. And we are proud of that.

    Whats really important is the we both hate the Cubs. Over 100 years of losing? Yeah, chalk it up to bad luck. Nothing else. Right...