A dim interrogation room. Cements floors. Cement walls. Cement ceiling. A black table made of a really cheap kind of wood substitute that even IKEA scoffs at, plus two metal folding chairs with various dents, are the only furniture. A single bulb on a string swings overhead. No windows. A big, imposing man wearing suspenders. A bad Yankee fan.
Stern Interviewer: You must be pretty excited.
Bad Yankee Fan: What's that?
Stern Interviewer: I said, you must be pretty excited.
Bad Yankee Fan: Oh?
Stern Interviewer: You know...with the Yankees coming back and winning last night. 7-6.
(Bad Yankee Fan stares at his interrogator, trying not to react.)
Bad Yankee Fan: Yes. Yes, I'm excited about that.
Stern Interviewer: Because with Cliff Lee on the mound, and knowing you had Neftali Feliz waiting to close, things looked a little dicey.
Bad Yankee Fan: Yup. They did. Dicey.
Stern Interviewer: But that's part of the satisfaction of being a great fan, right? Waiting out the games that look like sure losses, just hoping for that rare surprise?
Bad Yankee Fan: Mm-hmm. That's certainly...that's certainly a good moment.
Stern Interviewer: Makes all the disappointing losses worth it, doesn't it. Doesn't it?
(Stern Interviewer slaps the table with both hands)
Bad Yankee Fan: I want my lawyer.
Stern Interviewer (laughs): Your lawyer? That's a good one! That's a really good one, bad Yankee fan. But it's too late for that. (stands, begins to pace) Let me tell you what I think. I think...I think you had good intentions. I really do, bad Yankee fan. I don't think you're a bad guy. But hey, we all get discouraged sometimes. So, maybe you slept this one out. No big deal, right? You must have been tired. God knows it was a hot day. You were running around in the heat all day, you must have been beat. Anyone would've been tired. And when the Yanks fell behind 6-1, well...who could it hurt, right? A little shut-eye? Forty winks?
Bad Yankee Fan: You can't...you can't prove anything.
Stern Interviewer: Hey, hey, settle down...we're just talking here, right?
Bad Yankee Fan: I won't answer any more questions.
Stern Interviewer (nods to himself): Fair enough. I gotta tell you, though, we've got your girlfriend in room B, and boy, she is singing like a canary. According to her, you were out like a light while the Yankees were coming back. You were out like a light since the 6th inning!
Bad Yankee Fan (shouting): She would never say that!
Stern Interviewer (in BYF's face, screaming): WOULDN'T SHE?! WOULDN'T SHE?! DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?!!
Bad Yankee Fan (starting to weep): Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
Stern Interviewer: You're scum, bad Yankee fan! You went to sleep on your team! Right when they needed you, you sulked off to bed! You let them down! You-
Bad Yankee Fan: OKAY, DAMNIT! (long pause) Okay. I did it. I fell asleep. But do you know how hard it is? The game didn't even start 'til 8pm! Cliff Lee was on the mound. I stayed through some bad times, man. I stayed through 4-1, with fucking Javy Vazquez on the mound. Do you know what it's like to root for Javy Vazquez? He can't break a pane of fucking glass with his fastball! He's got no heart! And then he gave up that last single, and it was 6-1, and...I went to bed. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?!
Stern Interviewer (kindly, back in his chair): Look. I'm sympathetic, I really am. I'll be honest with you- you can't be a Yankee fan anymore.
Bad Yankee Fan: What?
Stern Interviewer: You blew that. That's done, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the better.
Bad Yankee Fan: But-
Stern Interviewer: It's not negotiable, bad Yankee fan. But listen, I might be able to help you. (takes out a piece of paper) If you sign this confession, I can maybe get you off easy. I'm talking 2, 3 years of no fanhood, and then you ease into a National League team. Maybe even a decent one, like the Brewers.
Bad Yankee Fan: And if I don't sign?
Stern Interviewer: Well, I won't bullshit you...then it gets ugly. It's a long, drawn-out process. You'll appeal, and the appeal will get denied. You'll appeal to a higher court, and it'll get denied even quicker. In the meantime, you won't be able to enjoy being a Yankee fan, and you'll put your family and loved ones through hell. I've seen it a million times. Most guys, they end up living in a place like Jacksonville, rooting for the Rays.
Bad Yankee Fan: Oh no...oh no. Give me the pen. (scribbles his signature) There.
Stern Interviewer: That's it. Now hand it here. (Stern Interviewer takes the paper and prepares to leave the room)
Bad Yankee Fan: Sir?
Stern Interviewer: What, kid?
Bad Yankee Fan: Go Brewers...right?
(Stern Interviewer shakes his head sadly, and exits. Bad Yankee Fan is left in the room, his head on the table, weeping.)
Okay, we have some other things to cover.
-The NCAA's investigation of UNC Football should reach its conclusion by tomorrow. Nobody really knows what's going to happen, but it looks like the worst case scenario is now just the suspension of two players. Probation for the team does not appear to be on the menu. Best case scenario, everyone's exonerated. Good stuff.
-Crazy K-Rod fights with old men. The Mets remind me of these white trash-y neighbors I used to have. Constant strife and dysfunction, and once in a while the father comes home with a new car or a satellite dish or something, and everyone's all excited, and even as a nine year-old kid you're just like 'man, that is a bad decision.'
-A quick note about the Sunday Bull Session. This was my friend Nick's idea, and it's basically a way to wrap up the week with a little sports chat. The format in that post is a little tough to read, since a chat can become kinda convoluted, so I think in future weeks it may change. My big idea is a sort of "10 Questions" deal, where everyone involved brings a question, and everyone else offers their opinion in an orderly fashion.
Anyway, this is where I call on you, the readers. If you're around on Sunday mornings, and want to jam, let me know. Everyone is encouraged and welcome. The commenters who have been good enough to visit SCSD! are pretty damn smart and witty, and it would be awesome to get you guys and gals involved. I know at least fifteen people off the top of my head who would be awesome for this, and I'm sure there are many more out there who don't comment quite as often. So if you're interested, drop me an e-mail.
-Speaking of Nick, here's a YouTube video I've wanted to post for a while. It's a "beer pong slam dunk," which has apparently become a fad, but Nick insists that this video started it all. In other words, we're looking at the very first slam dunk ever attempted on a beer pong table. This is way more pure and original than all the copycats, and the best part is...it's his dad. That's right. Nick's old man, in his late fifties, was unhappy about his level of play, and started brainstorming about a good way to help the team. So he decided to fly. Pay special attention to his graceful arm technique just before lift-off. The only way this video could be any better is if someone dubbed a little Chariots of Fire music over it:
PGA Championship starts today. More MLB fan stereotypes tomorrow. G'Day.