The Minnesota manager's account of last night's 20-6 loss to Texas.
Sweet Jesus, it's hot. But that's Arlington. What did I expect? It's got to be 100 degrees out here, and it's 7pm! What the hell temperature is it at noon? Why does any sensible person live here? You gotta be half crazy. But then again, Texans are half crazy. They're always trying to secede, God bless 'em. That, and they drink poison river water that changes the shape of their brains. I saw that on a science show one night in an El Paso motel.
I hope Morneau didn't forget the miniature hand-held fan. I told him if he's going to be sitting around on the DL, he might as well make himself useful. And having him hold a fan aimed at my head for nine innings is useful. It's also degrading, which I like. It'll motivate him to heal faster.
End of 1st inning, 3-0 Texas.
What a miserable. I'm ready to put my boot up Nick Blackburn's ass. Three runs? I wish I'd left this guy where I found him, outside an Oklahoma Denny's throwing old pancakes into a bucket. That should have been a warning sign. Plus, he only made about half the pancakes. What was I thinking? What were any of us thinking?
Then again, those were the early 2000s. In those days, we'd do just about anything to get our kicks.
End of 2nd inning, 6-0 Texas.
Well, this game's over. I'd get ejected if I had the energy to leave the dugout. It'd be easy. Mike Winters is behind the plate. All you have to do is remind him that his wife lost most of their life savings in an insurance scam, and bam! You're gone. I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'm not getting up. Same reason Blackburn's still in the game. The hell if I'm going out in the sun. I don't care how much Rick Anderson stares at me. Everyone's replaceable, Anderson, you pompous devil! Even a pitching coach!
End of 3rd inning, 11-1 Texas.
I had to take Blackburn out. On the walk to the mound, it was so hot I hallucinated that Tom Seaver was out there. I tried to tackle him, but I ended up stumbling on the mound and falling. I hate Seaver so much. He was always so uppity. Uppity Tom, with his handsome eyes and his cackling laugh. I still have a tape of him laughing. I listen to it every morning if I need to feel angry.
Speaking of laughing, you could hear the idiots in the stands yukking it up when I fell over. I was so embarrassed when I got back to the dugout that I slapped Morneau right on the head. But in good news, we're on the board. Good job, Cuddyer. Good job grounding into a double play so a run scored. That's like cutting off an arm to lose weight.
I knew a guy who did that, actually. We called him Tipper, because he was always tipping to one side. Good man, great gambler.
End of 4th inning, 14-1 Texas.
I'm thinking of buying stock in these new Squish Teddies. A friend of mine from Hoboken told me about them. It's a new business, he think they're going to be bigger than Beanie Babies. A lot of people made money on those Beanie Babies, they tell me. My wife had one that looked like David Crosby until I accidentally burned it in the grill. They were the big thing. Now it's Squish Teddies. He wants $50,000. I think I'm going to pull the trigger.
End of 5th inning, 18-1 Texas.
Morneau is really getting on my nerves. He's starting to cry. Someone named Chuck James was pitching for us this inning. I can honestly say I have no idea who that is. I have never heard of Chuck James in my life. He's terrible, though. He's worthy of this pitching staff. I told Morneau to go piss in his locker to make an important point- giving up 4 runs isn't the Twins way. That's when Morneau started crying. But he did what he was told.
End of 6th inning, 18-1 Texas.
If I have to make another pitching change, I will literally walk out to the mound naked. It's something I've always wanted to do anyway. I've done it a thousand times in my dreams, and the people always love it. I just asked Morneau what he thought of the idea, but good luck getting a reaction out of that guy. He's one of the seven most boring people I know, and the other six all come from Canada.
So help me God, we're holding them to under 20. I'll bet my job on it.
End of 7th inning, 20-2 Texas.
You win some, you lose some. Like my friend Tipper. He won a weight loss contest, but he lost an arm. And he's still one of the happiest men I know. Happier than me, that's for damned sure. Phil Dumatrait is pitching now. How do you think you pronounce that last name? I've never had a conversation with him, so I couldn't tell you. He reminds me of an old photo of James Garfield from my 7th grade history book. God, how I hated Garfield. I cheered like a mad fool when I found out he was assassinated. It's still one of the ten best days of my life.
End of 8th inning, 20-5 Texas.
We're turning this one around! Jason Kubel just hit a home run. There's a man I can respect. He's got a beard like you used to see on movie stars, before Hollywood became a giant sissy factory. Jason Kubel could out-act any man in this country. I'd bet my life on it.
End of game, 20-6 Texas.
Three hours ago, I was dreading this game, but I have to say, I had a really good time. Morneau and I shared a lot of laughs, and Joe Mauer went 0-5. He's always rubbed me the wrong way. Somehow, this has been a pretty good night. It's just another one of the wonderful mysteries of this game we call baseball.
I hope the post-game spread is good. I could eat the head right off a horse.