Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Blog Picture Dysfunction (BPD), and Getting Vicious with England

For the second time in history, the picture of Seth Curry which I stole from the internet has decided to vanish in a cloud of broken hyperlinks. I guess another website went defunct...nothing to be ashamed of, happens to a lot of blogs.

"Well, that's something never happened to me before, you can bet your bottom dollar. First goddam time it ever quit on me. Fact."

8,000 bonus points for anyone who can guess the (awesome) movie that quote is from without googling. Anyway, I didn't notice for a couple days, and now I think I'm going to take my time finding a new photo. I'm open to ideas over here. What would be incredibly ideal is if one of my legions of faithful readers could create some kind of photoshop picture of Seth Curry in the act of saving Duke...maybe flying over Cameron Indoor Stadium, wearing a blue cape like Superman? Maybe something less lame and more creative? This is asking way too much, I know, but otherwise my best option is this:

Kinda plain jane, if you ask me. So if anyone can come up with a brilliant photo idea, I'll paypal you 20 bucks and make you world-famous with a mention on this blog. You can even write a guest post!

Alright, enough precursory shit. There's not much going on in the sports world this week, so I'd like to get a little patriotic:




For those who ain't in the know, that picture is of British General Barnabas Mordecai Cornwallis* surrendering to the Continental Army back in the day. That's right, I just invoked the Revolution. Get used to it, England. Those are the terms. Yeah, we've pretended to like each other for 200 years or so, but those days are past. I'll be carrying a fife and a singed Declaration of Independence scroll in my back pocket for the next six months, and if I see any Redcoats on the street, they better have a clean musket and a steady gaze. Things are about to get dirty. Not as dirty as a British dude's teeth, but dirty nonetheless. That's all I'm gonna say. Or almost all: your woman situation is so bad that they keep asking the Queen to be in the England version of Playboy, which is called 'The Gentleman's Secret.' And I heard she ain't even bathed since 'The Troubles' in '74. TRIPLE BURN! I JUST BURNED YOU LIKE YOU TRIED TO BURN WASHINGTON IN 1812, ENGLAND. DON'T TREAD ON ME! I'M FROM AMERICA! EVERYTHING WE DO IS RIGHT! I'M GOING TO CLIMB ON TOP OF BIG BEN AND MESS WITH THE TIME SO EVERYONE IN YOUR COUNTRY THINKS IT'S MIDNIGHT WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY TEN AM! TEA TIME'S GONNA GET CANCELED BY ACCIDENT! PICCADILLY CIRCUS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY CLOWNS! EXCEPT WHEN PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN DRIVES BY! OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! POLITICAL!

*First and middle names are guesses.

You can expect at least one of those rants from me every week between now and the match on June 12. It might become a Tuesday feature. Seriously, it's so awesome that we're playing England. Once it became clear in the draw that we weren't going to get really lucky and be placed with South Africa, I prayed for England just for the awesome story. Soccer is catching on more and more in America, but it's fair to say it's still having trouble, so let's make a deal with the soccer folk: US wins against England, it becomes an institution in America. We'll give it 4th sport status, ahead of hockey, and soccer-heads never have to worry again. But lose, and nobody's allowed to play soccer ever again inside our borders, by penalty of three years in jail. Because this is huge; we have the chance to piss off every single English person in the world. Losing to America would absolutely kill them...it'd be priceless. I would personally be a huge prick to every English person I know* for at least three months. So let's make this an all-or-nothing proposition for US soccer, deal?

*I don't know any English people.

Real quick, here's a piece of false trivia that's sure to enrage an English person:

Did you know that before the Revolutionary War, everyone in Britain and America spoke like Americans do now? There was no such thing as a British accent. That only came about after the war, when England felt ashamed of losing and wanted to distinguish themselves from the victors. The aristocracy invented an accent that sounded sophisticated to them, and within twenty years it had caught on at all levels of society. And that's how the British accent began!

I don't think I have anything else to add. Butler-Georgetown tonight in college hoops might be kinda fun. Keep the faith, Tuesday is only allowed to be 24 hours long. That's a law.

1 comment:

  1. Nice I love the pic how handsome