Monday, January 18, 2010

Weekend Awesomeness Scale, 1/18 Edition

Well, here we are. Another weekend has wisped away like the only other thing that wisps...smoke. But what about vapor, you wonder aloud...isn't that another thing that wisps? Wrong: vapor is a type of smoke. Look it's science.

I think I have a long post in me today. First, I want to announce that I've come up with a theme song for the 2010 Duke Blue Devils. I love this squad, and I think we've got a lot of potential. But if there's one thing we need, it's less rigidity, less uptight behavior on the court. If there were four words of advice I could give, they would be: "Relax. Take it easy." And I'd draw out the easy into three long syllables, and the whole thing would be really melodic, and have a sort of 1970s disco-sounding flare, with a dash of modern poppy techno. But not the American kind; you'd get the feeling this was an Eastern European product, done by a guy with a fucking killer falsetto who grew up trading Michael Jackson mix tapes behind the iron curtain.

Based on these criteria, I've found the perfect candidate. Without further ado, Duke's theme song:

Believe me, this choice is going to have its naysayers. There'll be talk that it's not masculine enough, and...well, variations on that one, mostly. But just imagine Scheyer, big smile on his face, running the floor and dishing to that chorus. Seriously. Nothing but joy. The Final 4 would be inevitable. Even Zoubek would look good dancing to this song.


1 - Like Being Air-Dropped in North Vietnam, 1967

It was actually a pretty great weekend in sports, so it's tough to find something to fit this category. So I'll go with a commercial. Sorry for the crappy quality:

Do you ever wonder what aspects of our pop culture people are going to make fun of in like 20-30 years? I have to think it'll be these new uber-dramatic video game ads, where they have sweeping epic songs as a backdrop to crazy amounts of violence, plus every cinematic cliche you can think of. I had to watch this one a billion times this weekend, and it always annoyed me. It's creepy, it glorifies weird violence, it's fetishistic, and it poses as 'art.' I bet the people who designed the game are real smarmy and pompous. I bet they say things like "video games are the new artistic frontier.'

Fuck that. Video games are things played by chubby or ultra-thin pale kids who masturbate too much. Always been true, always will be. (Unless they're sports video games, which are cool and played by interesting people until they turn 22.) Video game culture will be skewered in like 15 years. That's an ironclad fact, unless our video game generation destroys the world, which actually seems pretty likely.

2 - Like Being Air Dropped into North Vietnam, 2010, But You Don't Have a Shirt and Your Chest is Painted with the Slogan "Ho Chi Minh Was Ho Chi Lame" (In Vietnamese)

Things have cooled off a little since the bad times, but this would still be bad news. This goes to New Orleans over Arizona. Call me crazy, but I wanted the Kurt Warner story to continue. Like many others, I find him fascinating. I'm not one of the legions of people who hate him for being Christian...I think that's a cool part of his story. The guy doesn't mess around with his core philosophy. You won't catch him taking a bath, getting the paper, feeling annoyed at a local dog, or being driven into the earth by a 300-pound D-Lineman without having a thought about God. I can respect that. And the reason I can respect it that he went through the wringer to get here. It's not like he was handed a sliver platter when he was 10 years old and started saying "God is good" while wrapping himself in different kinds of silk.

Anyway, I like New Orleans too. But if Warner retires, and by most accounts he will, the NFL will be less exciting next year. Just by a little. One less personality to follow.

3 - Like Being Air Dropped into North Vietnam, 2010, Chest Painted with the Slogan "Ho Chi Minh was Ho Chi Lame," but in English

Not good, but you could try to convince the villagers that the slogan said something else, like "Ho Chi Minh was Ho Chi-Rific." Only one word might be crazy enough to work. This one goes to Minnesota over Dallas. Normally this would have been lower on the scale, except:

A) Always nice to see Dallas lose, and
B) There were moments when I didn't hate Brett Favre

The mistake I made was that I started calling him "Father Time" in my head, and then I started thinking of him as an embattled old grinder who keeps plugging away and persevering. And then a little nobility started manifesting itself in his aura. It got my signals all crossed, and I didn't know what to think. Anyway, there's a little truth to those ideas. But he's still an egomaniac, a baby, and a me-first kinda dude. In his postgame interview, when he said "I gotta be honest, I was very concerned about this game," I imagined that he was being a pain all week in practice, whispering to teammates that he thought they'd lose, and generally not being helpful to Childress. That's Favre, to me. I hope the Saints beat them by 50.

4 - Like Being Air Dropped Into Rural Texas Dressed Up Like Ho Chi Minh

Let's be honest, nobody's going to know who you are. It just sucks to be in rural Texas (probably). I'll give this to the possible retirement of Ed Reed, the Ravens d-back who pitches the ball on 90% of his interceptions. I've mentioned it before, but I think this is a fantastic attribute. He and Kurt Warner should team up and do some kind of traveling talent show, if that kind of thing is still economically feasible (last I checked, it was, but that was during Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show in the early 1900s...I haven't seen any recent numbers).

8 - Like Being Air Dropped Into a Throng of Beautiful Vietnamese Virgins on Tet, the big Vietnamese Holiday, Dressed like Ho Chi Minh

Man, this is getting strange. Anyway, I skipped right to number 8 because most of the things that happened this week were that good. A few events qualify.

A) Federer, Nadal, Roddick, Djokovic, Clijsters, Serena Williams, and a few others did a charity event called "The Hit for Haiti." Federer organized it, and it was a doubles exhibition to benefit the earthquake victims. All the players were mic'ed up, and from the clips I've seen on YouTube, it looked pretty hilarious. This one in particular had me laughing out loud at 9am Saturday morning, and it shows that R-Fed has a sense of humor:

This is why I love these dudes. And by the way, the Australian Open is underway, and Rafa is through the first round. Expect more about this.

B) Syracuse over West Virginia. Good, solid Big East game, and The Cuse still looks like a very tough team to beat.

C) This commercial:

I've seen it about a thousand times now, and I still crack up every time. The guy's performance is just superb. I won't waste a lot of time trying to explain why I think it's so hysterical, but the way we raises both hands at the 7-second mark, like an over-enthusiastic middle school choir director, is just a triumph of improvisational acting. And then the transition into the emphatic finger point...breathtaking. I fucking love this commercial.

D) J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Seriously, the parallels to the G-Men during their Super Bowl year are just ridiculous. Just like Coughlin in '08, Rex Ryan is on the sideline just silently begging his quarterback not to fuck up. Even when the defense is out there, I think. He's still like "yo Sanchez, I know you're on the sideline, but please do not do anything stupid." And their D is just silly. Just a silly, silly, awesome unit. Revis is talked about so often that he should be overrated, but he's actually still underrated. He's a genius. If they can muster even an ounce of offense against, or just get lucky on a punt return or two, they can win. The whole thing is insane.

10) Like Being Air Dropped Into Heaven, and the Welcoming Committee is Jesus, Kurt Warner, Rafa Nadal, and a Slew of Vietnamese Virgins

Duke over Wake Forest in Cameron. I've got a special proclamation to make tomorrow, so I won't analyze this game a ton. But the basic awesomeness recap is this: we played a fast, athletic, physical team, and we played their style, and we kicked their ass. The Plumdogs were great. Singler still looks rusty, but he was grinding all game. Nolan owned on the drive. The Dawk made some positive steps. Scheyer's shooting troubles continue, but he managed the team well. And we looked loose. It was awesome.

Happy MLK Day. Relax! (UNH-UNH) Take it Eeeee-eee-zeeee!

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