Pick Six: A Champion is Crowned

The wait is over...the battle draws to an end...one man is left standing...

Brace yourselves for his unholy reign. It's:


THE FRIDAY PICK SIX


CHAMPION'S RANT

"El Dia Gloriosa Del Ranto Campeonato!"


The Friday Pick Six is an original SCSD! game where six people make six predictions for six weeks. Along with their picks, they're allowed and encouraged to submit a 'sound-off' on any topic, sports or otherwise. When it's all done, the winner earns great honor among the people, while the two losers are exiled in shame and the three middle finishers go to purgatory, with the chance rescue their good name up to three times. To learn more about the rules, and about the current contestants, read below:

-The inaugural champ and intros to the New Class
-Week One
-Week Two
-Week Three
-Week Four
-Week Five
-Week Six

THE HALL OF ANGELS: OLD CHAMPIONS

1. Tom.

Let's take a look at the FINAL STANDINGS from Volume Two of Pick Six:

1. Mike: 33
2. Spike: 29
3. S&S: 28.5
4. Nick: 26.5
5. Jill: 23
6. Carrie: 6

For the second straight Pick Six, the leader going into the final day could not hold on for an historic victory. Spike did everything right, from going easy on the NFL spread teaser to invoking the Pick Six Gods, but in the end it wasn't enough. Mike went an incredible 5-1 in desperation NFL spread picks to storm up the leaderboard from third place and clinch a place in the Hall of Angels. Along the way, he set a new Pick Six scoring record with 33 overall points, besting the old record of 30 set by Tom. Spike's narrow finish means he'll earn his third and final shot in the next volume as a member of purgatory. Swetha & Sabreena and Nick will join him, while Jill and Carrie, stalwarts of the game, have been relegated into oblivion.

For fun, here's the spreadsheet Swetha & Sabreena prepared to track the NFL picks. You can see how it became a total horse race, with lead changes and various scenarios, right up to the final 2 games:


Mike has won. Long live the Mike. He wins this trophy, which still doesn't have a name and which I am continually taking suggestions for:


Tom, our last champ, will ship it to him with the understanding that it shall be shipped on when a new winner arrives. Transport us now, dear Champion, with your words of triumph:


CHAMPION'S RANT

Mike

Howdy, sharecropping motherfuckers. It is I, your new king. My first decree: the next series of Pick Six must contain one question involving Tom, our former champion and a fellow member of the Hall of Angels (sounds like we may have died. I checked my stomach in the Bruce Willis spot, but I didn't see any blood). Spike's mind-games let me know that this competition was for real.

Anyway, I am not a funny person. I am an awkward person that brings about laughter and good cheer. Therefore I leave you with the complete text of the first paper I ever wrote in college. It was for intermediate spanish and we were told to write about our favorite movie. Go Duke education!!!

10/8/01

Spanish-76

Composición #1

Mi película favorita es Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Los actores en la película son Matthew Broderick, Mia Sara y Alan Ruck. Matthew Broderick hace el papel del carácter principal: Ferris Bueller.

En la película, Ferris es un senior en colegio. Un día Ferris decide que él no quiere ir a su escuela. Ferris engaña a sus padres por imitar una enfermedad. Después de sus padres salieron de la casa, Ferris y sus amigos van a la ciudad de Chicago a divertirse. Los amigos que acompañan a Ferris son la novia de Ferris, Sloane Peterson (Mia Sara), y el mejor amigo de Ferris, Cameron Fry (Alan Ruck). Ferris y Cameron “piden prestado” el coche del padre de Cameron, un Ferrari. En Chicago, Ferris tiene que evitar captura por sus padres y el jefe de su colegio. A la conclusión de la película, Ferris tiene que regresar a su casa antes de sus padres descubrieron la verdad sobre su salud. La película es muy cómica del comienzo al fin.

Yo puedo recordar la primera vez que yo vi Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Yo reí muy fuerte y me di dolor en mi estómago. El día siguiente, yo traté de dar como pretexto que yo estaba enfermo. Mi madre supo sobre la película y me mandó ir a la escuela. Este fue el impacto que esta película tuvo en mí. Yo quise ser como Ferris.

La película es muy típica para películas hacen en los años ochenta. El tipo de habla y ropa que los actores usan hace Ferris Bueller’s Day Off muy identificable como una película de los años ochenta.

La película es buena por varios razónes. Por un lado, la intriga de la película es simple pero inspirada. Todas las personas pueden formar una conexión a la idea de no querer ir a la escuela. Es un sueño tener los tipos de aventuras que Ferris y sus amigos experimentan en la película. Ellos van a un museo, a un juego de beisbol, al Sears Tower y a una parada. Todas de esas actividades ocurren en sólo un día. Es una hazaña increíble.

Por otro lado, la representación en la película es excelente. Cada papel se destina al actor perfecto. Por ejemplo, porque Matthew Broderick es un actor de Broadway, él puede cantar durante la escena de la parada. Yo no puedo imaginar la película de una otra manera con otros actores.

También, la música en la película es excelente. Yo obtengo la transferencia directa de la guía sonora en mi ordenador. Yo escucho a las canciones todas las noches.

Cabe añadir que el diálogo en la película es muy cómico y memorable. Después tú has mirado la película, citarás líneas de la película a todas las personas que te encontrarán contigo. Los chistes son cómicos y inteligentes. No hay “risas baratas” en la película.

En resumen, la película Ferris Bueller’s Day Off contiene diversión copiosa. La intriga, la representación, la música y el diálogo resultan en una película de primera calidad. Yo recomiendo que todas las personas miren esta película.

One more thing. How great is Kanye? I would say very.

Too many Urkels on your team that's why you're Winslow,

Mike


Well done, Mike. A gushing review of Ferris Bueller's Day Off in Spanish is, in some ways, the perfect way to end a Pick Six. You were a tireless competitor, quietly toiling while the others became media dolls, and now you're a champ.

As I mentioned before, the rest of the Pick Sixers have shuffled out as follows:

Purgatory: Spike, Swetha & Sabreena, Nick E.

Dishonorable Relegation and Eternal Shame: Carrie, Jill

Despite the great disappointment they've suffered, Carrie and Jill were some of the Best Pick Sixers around. They were funny, thorough, and perpetually prompt with their rants. And Carrie, of course, will be whispered about in the cafes because of her thrilling soiree with the Temptress. With that in mind, I've asked them both to pen farewell rants to you, the fans. We'll start with Jill and end with Carrie.

Jill: Farewell Rant

Shane asked me to write a “farewell” speech and to be blunt, this really does not come easily to me. Not because I am a sore loser (which I am), and not because it is shameful (which it is), but because I really, genuinely loved writing for Pick Six every week. I love the people with whom I became connected, I love the random categories that we were forced to research, and I love everyone who read our inane rants every week. So, most importantly, thank you to Shane for giving me the chance to write for SCSD and thank you to everyone for reading my ridiculousness. Now that I got that out of the way:

1. Fuck Cliff Lee, the Phillies, Kyrie Irving’s lame toe, the Tarheels and especially Roy Williams, Red Sox “nation,” this horrendously cold December in New York, the BCS, student loans, Lebron James and his talents, ex-boyfriends’ wives, Jonathan Papelbon, the Lost finale, Curt Schilling, the GOP, losing, and my Chinese food which is taking forever to arrive right now.

2. Besides Shane, two people made this a particularly great experience for me. Tom, I had hoped for some of your comeback magic, but it wasn’t meant to be. Pick Six wasn’t the same without you and you will always be “someone” in my book; Carrie, if I had to be banished from Pick Six with anyone, I am glad it is you. I think you are an incredible writer, genuinely hilarious, and an irreplaceable uniform color/Jamba Juice/mascot/Temptress/NESCAC-picking connoisseur.

3. Um, congrats to Mike and all, but this really sucks. In terms of sports-related news, the Red Sox signed Crawford, Kyrie hurt his toe, Cliff Lee gave us the finger, and now I was fired with cause from Pick Six. Pity party, party of one, your table is ready.

Carrie: Farewell Rant

don't really know what to say. I am the very definition of a has-been. I am also pretty sure I used up any words that anyone might want to hear from me (and many many more that they would not) throughout the duration of my two seasons alternately rocking and laming* the Pick Six.

*Laming is my final made up verb for The People. Go forth and lame, friends.

***********
We shall ne'er see those two avatars on this blog again. This one's for you, guys.


Believe me, friends, I wish I could find that in English for you.

There's nothing to do now but move ahead, my friends. Pick Six is over, but it must begin again. And we've got some newcomers!

The next three to join the game are: Monty, Dylan & Patrick (our first father-son team!), and Marc, aka Mr. Intrigue. And holy shit, this is some awesome new blood, gang. Put it this way: they're not here to ask questions, not even after they shoot. I've asked them to say a few words, and one of the continuing players had some words as well.

Monty


Hi all, I'm Monty. I'm in a theatre company with Spike in Seattle...but that's where the similarities end. I grew up in Durham, and you know what that means... I'm about as die-hard a Duke Basketball fan as exists on the planet. (Except that my parents did not let me go down to the quad after either the 91 or 92 championships, to the ultimate
detriment of my soul. It's probably that neglect that caused me to eventually drop out of theatre grad school. (Well, that or the realization that spending over $100k on a degree in theatre was just bad math)) There are many things in life that I've almost done or have thought about doing ... so watch out.


Dylan & Patrick


Note from Dylan, the son: CB and D actually stands for CollegeBoy and Dad, something he has effectively been referring to me as for what is going on 3 years.

Let us start by offering our apologies to any and all we may offend when we KICK YOUR ASSES in this edition of our favorite prognosticators Ball Game, the “Pick Six” As regular readers of SCSD, we have ongoing discussions about the content of our favorite sports related/favorite teams blog and blogger. CB first read SCSD while browsing the NYY Fans message board and accidently clicking a link in someone's signature. Since then, he has introduced millions to the blog, singlehandedly making it the 3rd most viewed webpage on the net. (Behind Facebook and AskJeeves) When the “Pick Six” was first started, CB thought to himself, "Man, my dad could do better than that, and he's only got one and half legs!" The conversation is now a little fuzzy, but it went something like this:

CB: Hey, you know that cool blog I read a lot?

D: Oh yeah Stuff White People Like?

CB: No, not that one the one

D: Oh - Awkward Family Photos!

CB: Dad let me finish.

D: Sorry, I just can't stop laughing at these ducks!

CB: What? What are you talking about? Where are you right now?

D: I'm on the web. My sister forwarded this message to me about ducks that look like peanuts!

CB: Don't you mean peanuts that look like ducks?

D: Thats what I said.

CB: No, whatever. Just forget it. I'm talking about Shane's blog, Seth Curry Saves Duke.

D: Oh man, now there is this one where these ducks are getting blown over. This is gold. I seriously love ducks.

CB: Dude, i've got to go to class in a minute, will you listen? Seth Curry.

D: I've never heard of Seth Curry. What does he write about?

CB: Dad we talk about this blog all the time.

D: No we don't.

CB: Yes, we do. It's written by Shane, he talks about the yankees, giants, and duke, you know, the three teams we actually follow?

D: So why is Shane saving Duke?

CB: DAD WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BLOG WHEN I WAS HOME LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO.

D: Hah. I'm just fucking with you. What about it? Did you hear about the Pick Six he's doing? I would totally beat all those chumps, and I only have one and a half legs.

CB: .........

D: You still there?! I'm having trouble hearing you!

CB: You're an asshole.

And so it was decided. If “The Man” would give us a chance, we'd clean up the streets of SCSD like Batman in Gotham. So, here we are and here we go. It will be as easy as taking candy from little children.

But you may be asking yourself just who are these guys? Well, we’ll tell you. When not leading the pack in SCSD Hot Potato (Who came up with that name anyway, it literally makes no sense, none.) or serving as the Hot Potato statistician, CB is a college student at a northeast school of higher learning, focusing on advertising. D is professional looking closely at retiring and spending the rest of his days searching out Internet whiz kids to put in their place, watching videos of cute kittens, and bad Family Feud answers. Besides actually sneaking into Cameron Indoor while Duke was preparing for March Madness of 2002, our sports resume includes one or both of us being at the following events, or watching their highlights on Sportscenter: 1980 USA Victory over USSR in Lake Placid, Lou Gehrig's Farewell speech, Nadia Comaneci's Perfect 10, Secretariat wins the triple crown, Wilt Chamberlain's 100 points, Don Larson's perfect game, Mike Tyson's ear bite, Maradona's "Hand of God", the Cal-Stanford "Band is on the field" game. Impressive!


Marc, aka Mr. Intrigue

Hello readers of SCSD I am Marc/Mr. Intrigue. Since I am currently unemployed I plan to devote all my time, energy and enormous mental capabilities to win Pick Six. I, like many of you grew up in Durham but have since moved far far away to the exotic land of Wilmington, NC. My copious amounts of free time are devoted to watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, strutting around my apartment acting like Charlie, and sending good feelings to Kyrie Irving's toe.

I feel like this Pick Six will see it's first true dominator in history. I will be like the Stump the Schwab guy on ESPN. During my victories I will gloat smugly and stroke my beautiful goatee. You can tell the Schwab is pretty cool since he's 58 and has a goatee (no offense to dudes in that category, 57 and 59 year olds with goatees are pretty awesome). And when I will inevitably suffer some setbacks I'll scoff with the practiced arrogance of those 10 year olds who are awesome at everything, but then they meet an 11 year old who just crushes their self-esteem.

My first memory of Duke Basketball is The Shot, and I fell in love. Since then Duke Basketball is really the only sport I've consistently followed. I watch the Hurricanes when they make it to the playoffs (because that's what everyone does, you can admit it). The Panthers are painful to watch even when they are good. No one really cares about the Bobcats. They have possibly the worst personnel in NBA history. Drafting Sean May, Raymond Felton and Adam Morrison was a really swell move guys! My baseball team is the Braves, but who cares about the NL East for the next five years as Philadelphia will go unbeaten forever.

Now begins my conquest. I feel like Alexander the Great surveying the world that I will soon claim. I'd like to apologize now to my fellow Pick Six contestants for the terror which will soon engulf you. Good luck everyone, and go watch Die Hard because it is the greatest Christmas movie known the mankind. I'm Jewish and I can still get into the Christmas cheer!


And last, a word from our old friends...

Swetha & Sabreena

We had high hopes for ourselves in the last round after our perfect first week. Unfortunately, we weren't able to maintain the momentum (nor were we able to recall the definition of a prime number, oops). Well, we are in it to win it this time. Second place is the first loser.

*************
Spike and Nick neglected to sound off. Intimidation? Laziness? We may never know.*

*Laziness.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I'm going to try to update regularly next week, but I'll be traveling all around New York state. Things might be a little sporadic, fair warning. After that, I'm back and ready to roll. There's about 24 hours left to get in the College Bowl Pool. We have 40+ players right now and $600 up for grabs. Send me an e-mail if you want in. Happy Holidays.

Seth Curry Saves Duke! Greats Hits

Hi gang, I've been traveling on airplanes all day, so no regular post today.Pick Six will be back for tomorrow, but until then, here's one from the vaults. This one was from 1937, when a depressed economy meant I could only post a picture and a short caption.


JUNE 5, 1937


Do you think War Admiral can win the Triple Crown today?

I say no.

Kyrie Irving Fan Fiction

(Guys, the past three weeks have been real busy for me. I was up late turning in a law exam Monday, and just didn't have the energy to post this morning. Luckily, I was walking outside my apartment yesterday when I found a few sheets of looseleaf paper just sitting on the ground, covered with dirt and leaves. I couldn't resist taking a look, and it turned out to be a piece of fan fiction. It's not the first time this has happened to me. I once found some Nolan Smith fan fiction, and later I stumbled upon a Landon Donovan story. I think this one is an even greater literary achievement, and in light of his recent injury, even more historically significant.)

THE DAY KYRIE IRVING AND I KICKED ASS ON A CRUISE SHIP!

It was a blustery day aboard the Carnival cruise ship. Almost all the people were in their cabins trying not to be sea sick. Many of the people were old. But one young man was out shooting baskets on the deck, weather be damned. His name was Steven, and he was 34 years old. Many people did not notice Steven because he was quiet and unassuming. What they did not realize was that he was one of the best people that existed. He had a great personality and all his family members thought he was funny, especially his mom. Also he did not have acne. Not any more. And the braces were off too.

Shot after shot went in, because even though he had been denied the chance to play in college or even high school, he had been practicing BIG TIME. "Nothing but net!" he screamed as the rain and wind hit his face and the ship rolled to and fro. Nothing would stop him, not the weather or insecurities or mean people. In the background, a mysterious man with a Carnival vest and cap on watched. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Nobody knew who he was. He had a gray beard. He was black.

*

The next day it was sunny again. As Steven took his tray to the food line in the cafeteria, he heard a dumb booming voice behind him.

'HEY YA BIG DORKUS WHAT ARE YOU EATING DORKUS PIE?' the voice shouted. 'DO THEY GIVE YOU THE DORKUS DISCOUNT?' Steven didn't even have to turn around to know that this was Dirk, the big hot shot of the cruise ship. He had four girls around his arm. One of them was Alexis, the most hottest girl on the entire ship and the one everyone wanted to date and have sex with. She had black hair and always wore jean shorts and a t-shirt tied at her stomach. She flipped her hair a lot and giggled. Dirk was a huge jerk and treated everyone like crap, but when he shouted, Steven did not even blink. He just stood his ground and did not feel afraid. He turned around and almost told him off RIGHT THERE.

'I'VE SEEN YOU OUT SHOOTING ON THE COURTS, IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT SHOOTING!' Dirk yelled. Nobody laughed. You could tell Alexis wished she wasn't with him. 'I BETTER NOT SEE YOU AT THE CRUISE SHIP BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP OR I'LL DUNK YOU BACKWARDS THROUGH THE HOOP!'

This was not just an idle threat. The other day at lunch an old person had accidentally bumped Dirk, and Dirk had picked him up and dunked him backward through the hoop. The old man had to go to the Carnival hospital and then be helicoptered home.

'I will be playing!' said Steven courageously. 'I will be playing!'

Dirk laughed and nobody joined him. 'WELL IT'S A TWO ON TWO TOURNAMENT, AND IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET A PARTNER WITHOUT ANY FRIENDS I BET, HA HA!'

This part was true. Steven had been looking for a partner, but so far he only found Tim, a friend of his who couldn't shoot a ball to save his stupid life. Tim was an okay person but a huge nerd who liked to talk about science fiction all day and who still wet the bed sometimes. But Tim might be Steven's only option. Even though everyone thought Steven was great and they all wanted to be his friend, it was hard to find another basketball player.

Dirk's partner was Ricardo, a small Spanish person who was always around laughing at Dirk's jokes. 'Yeah, you got it Dirk, no partner for old wet bed here!'

'That's not me,' Steven said, correcting the record for everyone who was listening. 'It's Tim who wets the bed.'

'Whatever,' said Ricardo. 'I bet you like to roll around in it you and pretend you're swimming.'

That was not true and everybody knew it. Nobody laughed. But it was true that Steven did not know how to swim. What was the secret, he wondered?

'ANYWAY DOOFUS, YOU BETTER WEAR A HELMET BECAUSE I'M GOING TO DUNK YOU BACKWARD,' said Dirk. Then they all walked away. Alexis gave one backward glance, and she looked sad for Steven. But Steven just winked as if to say 'don't be sad for me!'

In the background, the mysterious old black man with the gray beard kept watching.

*

When the day of the big 2-on-2 tournament came, there were 64 teams. Steven had been practicing in the rain a bunch more times, but this day was sunny. The waves were big though, and the ship was rolling. Everyone on board had gathered to watch, including all the old people and Alexis.

Tim was not good at all, but Steven was so good that he carried their team to win after win. They kept advancing through the bracket, beating everyone that came by a lopsided margin. The old people watching muttered their approval. 'Not bad,' they said. 'Reminds me of Jerry West.'

On the other half of the draw, Dirk won by bullying. He put seven different people through the net upside down. Ricardo kept throwing him alley-oops. They won game after game through dirty tactics and tripping people and shouting. All the girls cheered for them and laughed at Dirk's antics, but Steven could tell that Alexis was cheering less. She bit her lip in doubt, and it was sexy. She wasn't sure who to support any more. Slowly, Steven was winning her over.

The mysterious old black man watched in the background.

When the finals came around, it was Dirk and Ricardo against Steven and Tim. 'Looks like we're up against the old bed wetters!' said Ricardo.

'How many times do I have to tell you that it's only Tim that wets the bed!' Steven said.

Tim nodded. 'It's true. I can't stop.'

'HOW ABOUT THIS, NERDS,' shouted Dirk. 'HOW ABOUT IF WE WIN, YOU HAVE TO GET IN THE LIFE RAFT AND ROW TO THE NEAREST ISLAND. IF YOU SURVIVE, YOU HAVE TO BE THE CATERER WHEN I GET MARRIED TO ALEXIS AND YOU HAVE TO BRING US ROOM SERVICE IN OUR HOTEL AFTER. IF YOU WIN, YOU GET TO MARRY ALEXIS AND SLEEP WITH HER ON THE CRUISE SHIP.'

'That sounds like a bad deal,' said Tim.

'Agreed!' said Steven, a hard glint in his eye.

'Okay,' said Alexis.

The game began. Dirk kept jamming his elbow into everybody. Ricardo spit at people's faces when nobody was looking. It was a hard, physical game to 21. Bodies were flying everywhere, and shots were going in. The old people looked on anxiously. They wanted Steven and Tim to win, because they represented values from World War Two.

Pretty soon, Dirk and Ricardo led 18-12. Dirk was so confident that he approached Tim. "IT'S TIME, BLADDER BOY!' he yelled.

'Oh God,' said Tim.

But there was nothing to be done. Dirk picked him up, turned him upside down, and walked him to the rim. 'ANY LAST REQUESTS?!'

'Don't dump me through the rim,' said Tim.

'TOO LATE, NERDLY.' The girls in the crowd chanted 'dump him, dump him!' Only Alexis seemed to be chanting with any kind of hesitation. Dirk jumped, and dunked Tim upside down through the hoop. He came down hard on his head and couldn't move. They had to bring a stretcher for him.

'Looks like your urine buddy is gone,' said Ricardo. 'I guess that means we win by forfeit.'

'IT'S IN THE RULES,' said Dirk. 'YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH ONE PLAYER.'

Someone from the cruise ship consulted the official 2-on-2 rule book, and they were right. Steven hung his head. Another loss.

Just then, the mysterious old black man with the gray beard limped up. 'I reckon I'll play with him,' he said in an old man voice.

'GET REAL OLD MAN!' said Dirk, and there was great laughter among the girls.

'At least he won't be missing a beat in the bed wetting department,' Ricardo chimed in.

The man continued in his shaky voice. 'Well, young'uns...I may not be who you think I am.'

Just then, he straightened up, ripped off his gray beard, and threw off his Carnival vest and cap.

IT WAS KYRIE FUCKING IRVING.

There were gasps all around. People could not fucking BELIEVE it. Dirk's jaw dropped down to his chest.

Kyrie walked up to him. 'I've been watching you all week, and you're nothing but a bully,' he said. 'Let's see how you play against the big boys.'

Steven and Kyrie slapped five, and the game was back on. Almost immediately, Kyrie dunked right in Dirk's face. Dirk fell over, and Kyrie did a humping dance above him. The crowd was delighted. Later, Kyrie used his awesome skills to draw a double team, and then he dished off to Steven, who couldn't miss.

The game went on, with Kyrie and Steven looking awesome. Soon they had made up the entire deficit. It was 20-20. Next point wins.

Dirk took the ball and passed it Ricardo. Ricardo dribbled right, then left, and threw up an alley-oop. Dirk leaped high in the air, caught it, and tried to dunk. But there was Kyrie Irving, soaring high into the cruise ship air, so high that he blocked it with his stomach and landed on Dirk's face with his crotch.

'How my nuts taste, Dirk?! How my nuts taste!' Kyrie yelled. He did his humping dance again.

The old people clapped excitedly, oohing and ahhing. Dirk was furious, and he turned to Steven. 'NO WAY YOU GUYS MAKE THIS LAST SHOT, DORKUS!'

Kyrie and Steven huddled up. 'You should take the last shot,' said Steven. 'On paper you're the better basketball player.'

'Maybe that's true,' said Kyrie. 'But I've been watching you all week. You were out here shooting in the rain. You love the game of basketball. That's something you can't teach. You were made for this moment. The shot is yours.'

Steven nodded. In his heart, he knew Kyrie was right.

Kyrie took the ball and drove left. Soon he was double teamed by Dirk and Ricardo. He jumped high, swiveled, and threw a hard pass to Steven, who was wide open on the wing.

Steven prepared to shoot. This was it. He looked at the basket, then he looked out at the ocean. He smiled to himself and shot it ten feet to the left of the rim.

'WHAT AN AWFUL SHOT!' Dirk yelled. The girls started to laugh.

Then, all the sudden, with the ball in mid-air, a giant wave hit the ship. 'Whoa!' everyone yelled. The ship rolled to the left.

And like magic, the rim came to meet the ball. It fell through.

IT WAS ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEDLAM!

The old people started doing the charleston in celebration, and even the girls were cheering. Alexis couldn't help herself, she started jumping and clapping. Her breasts bobbed up and down, you couldn't not notice. Tim cheered on from his stretcher. He could only move his hands.

Kyrie Irving ran and tackled Steven in celebration. 'You are my favorite basketball player!' he said to Steven.

'And you're mine!'

The cheer rose for miles around. Dirk was so angry that he stuffed Ricardo through the hoop upside down and then ran off to play shuffleboard by himself.

One old person turned to another. 'Why was Kyrie Irving disguised as a cruise ship employee this whole time?'

'Some things are better left as mysteries,' said his friend, smiling serenely.

When Kyrie and Steven were done slapping five, they walked over to Alexis.

'Well, I guess we should go have sex,' said Steven.

'Okay,' said Alexis.

'I'm not too confident sexually,' said Steven.

'Just look inside your heart,' said Kyrie. 'Use the same strength that helped you make that shot.'

An old man walked up. 'And use this!' he said. He threw Steven a small prescription bottle.

Steven looked down at the label. 'Viagra,' he said.

Everyone laughed like crazy. It was the best day in history.

The Smorgasboard, a la Tuesday

What's up my friends. I am coming off an epic 9-hour law exam jag (one of the fun quirks of journalism school is that we're made to take a media law class), so I've got me a serious academic hangover going on. Luckily, I've got some ready-to-go content from yesterday's comment section. I challenged you, the readers, to send me your fake Kyrie Irving stories and rumors, and after a long deliberation process, I've chosen a winner.* So congratulations "Craig"!

*Only one person did it. But his was awesome and he totally would have won anyway.

Here now, in full reproduction, is the winning entry in the Kyrie Irving fake story contest.

KYRIE IRVING UPDATE:

I am in possession of Evidence, obtained through various and entirely reliable sources* who shall remain anonymous, that the affliction befalling Kyrie's toe was NOT an accident-

*God, logic, history, and common sense were my four major sources.

1. The injury purportedly occurred on December 4, 2010. Do you know what else happened on December 4? Let me enlighten you.

-Led Zeppelin officially disbanded in 1980, leading to nearly a decade of crappy music with frontmen who tried to copy Robert Plant's flowing locks and midriff shirts. The lesson here? You can't replace the maestro. There will be poor imitations, but nothing like the original. Unless Duke signs Rajon Rondo somehow, I'd say the whole season, perhaps the whole decade, is done for Duke basketball. Facts are facts, I'm just the messenger.

-The first Burger King restaurant opened in 1954, sparking a Miami turf war with Ronald McDonald and his ragtag band of guerilla misfits. There very well could be a turf war in Durham if Nolan Smith steps up and dominates in Irving's absence. Rumor has it that Smith and Irving have a "polite, yet cold and distant" relationship. Sounds like a potential powderkeg if the pecking order gets upset. You know who would benefit from this turf war? Sports pundits, bloggers, and the rest of the ACC.

-In 307 A.D., Saint Barbara was martyred. St. Barbara is the patron saint of artillerymen. Artillerymen drop bombs from long distance. Kyrie Irving's skills allowed Duke's bombers to get good looks. Coincidence? I think not. Also, her father cut off her head because she was a Christian. Did someone cut off Kyrie's toe because of his religious affiliation? Definitely in play.

-In 1909, the Montreal Canadiens hockey team was officially chartered, and 100 years of Canadian smugness has ensued. I don't know what the significance of this really is. But that doesn't mean that Montreal isn't at least tangentially responsible for this situation.

2. I don't know of anyone who has seen this mysterious toe injury. Is it even injured? Does Kyrie even have toes? I'll believe it when I see it, which is the same reason why I don't believe in air or dinosaurs. Now he's got his foot in a plaster cast. Hmm, that's convenient, I'm sure he's getting lots of sympathy from females around campus who want to help him and sign his cast. Face it, this whole injury thing could very well be a ploy to get girls' attention. It worked for me when I wore a sling in 5th grade even though I didn't hurt my arm.

3. Mesa State football player Trevor Wikre had his finger amputated to keep playing football during his senior season. How come amputation hasn't been suggested by the so-called "medical experts" treating Kyrie's toe? If all options are really being considered, as has been reported in several major media outlets, why haven't we heard more about the possibility of amputation? Maybe because THERE'S NO INJURY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

4. Take a moment and digest this information. Still not convinced? Allow me to present a syllogism that conclusively proves that Kyrie's injury is not an accident: Accidents don't happen to people who are prepared. Kyrie is always prepared. Therefore, accidents don't happen to Kyrie. Whoa. Irrefutable logic trumps medical speculation. Its why I chose law school over med school. That, and the fact that the sight of blood makes me queasy.

Now I'm not going to get into the "why" issue- that's a matter of speculation, and as established above, I only deal in facts and near-facts. However, I have recently learned that Coach K struck a bargain with Satan just seconds before Christian Laettner hit the buzzer beater against Kentucky in the 1992 Elite Eight. In exchange for victory, Coach K offered the toe of a future freshman phenom, courtside season tickets at Cameron for life, and Dick Vitale.

YUP, THESE ARE MY READERS!


Seriously though, amazing job Craig. I'd just like to add one thing. I know you think the lack of any amputation talk means that Kyrie isn't really hurt, but I'd like to suggest that he is hurt, and he just has no heart. If he actually cared about anything but his own stats, and if he truly loved Duke, he'd have his toe cut off. Sorry, it's that simple. It's put up or shut up time, Kyrie.

(Still giggling at the TOTALLY EERIE St. Barbara-Kyrie Irving connection in #1.)

(Still giggling at the 'polite, yet cold and distant' relationship between Irving and Smith.)

(Also, how many titles have the Montreal Canadiens won? 22. How old is Kyrie Irving? 18 What's the difference between those two numbers? 4 How many titles has Coach K won? 4 How many toes would Kyrie Irving have on his right foot if he manned the fuck up and went in for amputation? 4)

Craig, you win a Seth Curry Saves Duke! t-shirt, if such a thing ever exists.

So...what is happening the world of sports? Well, this guy happened:


A few people have been asking how I felt about the whole Cliff Lee saga, and the basic gist of my answer was "no comment." Cliff Lee is our big, fat, white whale. I hate him. It looked like we almost had him last season, then a mysterious second bidder came in and Seattle jumped ship and sent him to Texas. This year it looked like we had him again, since we out-bid Texas, but for whatever reason it wasn't happening. More and more, it looked like he just didn't want to come to NYC. Because we know damn well the money was there. And then, sure enough, yesterday a mysterious third bidder materialized, and poof, he was gone to the Phillies.

The Philly pitchers are now basically the Miami Heat of baseball, except they'll actually be good (are the Heat good now? I haven't kept up). Halladay and Lee are the best 1-2 punch since Schilling-Johnson in Arizona, and maybe even earlier. We lost him fair and square. Apparently he and his wife love Philadelphia. Great. Fantastic for them. I just have one wish for you, Cliff Lee: that you lose a third straight World Series.

The Yankees need a pitcher bad. Like, real bad. Like, more than just Andy Pettitte bad. Like, Zack Greinke having a mental breakdown on the mound at Yankee Stadium bad. Like 50,000 irate Bronx Italians throwing batteries at Carl Pavano even though he's wearing pinstripes and throwing a no-hitter bad. BAD, guys.

But that's the last I'm going to say about Cliff Lee. I'm not pissed. Cashman did his best. What else was he supposed to do? Like he himself said yesterday, sometimes it's not about the money. I still like our team. We're still going to win a lot of games. We'll still probably make the playoffs. We're not necessarily geared for a World Series run yet, but the deficiencies in our pitching staff don't exist for a lack of effort or intelligence. There will be other free agents. And let's not forget, the staff that we have now is the same one that won a World Series in 2009 (assuming Pettitte comes back). Sure, they're older, and AJ Burnett sucks now, and Pettitte will probably get hurt and the shine came off Hughes late in the season and CC is the least ace-y of all the aces and OH MY GOD CHAD GAUDIN IS OUR #1 PITCHER OH GOD OH GOD I'M SO SORRY ROBINSON CANO YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS TEAM I WILL BECOME A RED SOX FAN IF YOU GO THERE.

*Ahem.*

Hey, did anyone else see the end of that Ravens-Texans game. Man, what a heartbreaker for Houston. You can see the highlights on this recap page, but basically Houston made an awesome comeback and tied the game on two great catches at the very end of the fourth quarter, and then Schaub threw a horrible interception in overtime near his own goal line, and the Ravens returned it for the winning score. Buh-rutal. I wish it had happened to Dallas instead.

On the other hand, the Giants won. I didn't get to see this game because of my law test and because I'm pretty sure it wasn't on tv down here, but from what I can tell, the big story was Brett Favre being sad on the sideline. And there was this quote from the recap:

I am not going to play again if I can't feel my hand," the 41-year-old Favre.

Solid policy, Brett. By the way, it took 11 paragraphs in that game story for the writer to mention anything but Brett Favre. I feel kinda bad for the ole gunslinger, but this is the shit that makes us so sick of him. I do not fear the day when Brett Favre is out of my life.

This sets up an awesome Giants-Eagles showdown next week that we will surely lose, since we always lose to the Eagles. But I will nurture some optimism as the week goes along.

Here's an NFL question that came up last night from my girlfriend. What is the priority for picking games before the year begins between the networks? In other words, does ESPN's MNF football get to choose which game they want each week? Does NBC go second for Sunday night? How do Fox and CBS fit in? I could probably google this, but I thought I'd turn it over to y'all.

I had another NFL question, but I can't remember it now. If anyone knows what my question was going to be, please let me know.

Weird Question: I'm thinking of downloading Battlestar Galactica. I know I'm about 20 years late to this train, but I keep hearing how great it is and I'm almost convinced. Here's the deal, though; I'm not a huge sci-fi guy. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. For those in the know, will I still enjoy BG despite my ambivalence?

Last: this made laugh harder than anything since K-Strass, the yo-yo guy. And believe me, that's high praise in my universe.

I think that's about it for today. If you want to be in a college football bowl pool that's fun and cheap, see yesterday's post and be in touch. Fellow students, enjoy the end of the semester. Working world, enjoy that you have time off soon. Children, you shouldn't be reading this blog. Old retired people, don't forget your metamucil. Aliens, look no further: this blog is the perfect representation of Earth culture.

It's a Gamblin' Monday!

Hey folks, fire up the addiction centers in your brain, because we're going to start off this week with a little gamblin' action. There are three orders of business on the itinerary. 1) THE SECOND ANNUAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL POOL This is something I did last year, and it's a lot of fun. Before I get into the rules, here's why I dig the hell out of it. A - It keeps every single bowl game interesting, including the boring ones on December 18th. (Ohio and Troy in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, I'm looking at you.) B - You can win lots of money. Like $300 worth. That kind of cash is accepted at most major American stores. C - You only have to spend a little money. $15, to be specific. You can probably find it in your couch, or you could try to rob an old person on the street. Believe me, the chances you get caught are small, and they always carry cash. Old people don't trust banks. D - There's a blog where I update the standings and mention people by name. Last year's is here. Here's how it works: There are 35 bowl games. You can see them here. You will pick the winner of each game, and you will assign each game a confidence rating from 1-35. You'll use each number once and once only. So if you believe strongly that Oregon will beat Auburn, you might assign that game a rating of 35. And if Oregon wins, you get 35 points. If they lose, you get 0. The player with the most points at the end of the pool is champion. The top 3 or so win money. I'll be sending out a spreadsheet for everyone to fill out before the games begin on Saturday. If you're interested or have any questions, drop me a line at shane.spr8 at gmail dot com. Please keep in mind that you don't have to be an expert at college football to have a chance. Last year, my aunt flipped a coin for every single game, and she finished in 7th place. 2) The HOT POTATO standings have been updated. After Baby Dawk's disappointing 2 points against St. Louis, everyone took a major hit. Dylan retains first place with 13, but only by a single point. Marion and John, the guy who hates Duke, are lurking at 14. Is it because they both have names from Robin Hood? It's impossible to say. Am I going to start calling them Maid Marion and Little John? I'd be crazy not to. In case anyone is curious, this is a simple game where people pick the points scored by a given player chosen by me before a Duke game. The difference between their pick and the actual points scored is their total for the day. Low score is better. If anyone misses a game, they get the average score of that game plus 3. If anyone hits the nail on the head, they get a -3 bonus. People can join at any time. Here are the new standings: 3) Drama in the Pick Six! After Friday's NFL picks, the whole thing comes down to Monday Night Football. Spike, Swetha & Sabreena, and Mike all have a shot depending on the outcome of tonight's games. You know I usually keep Pick 6 to Fridays, but this is just TOO DAMN EXCITING! Here are the possibilities remaining: Spike wins if: the Giants lose and the Ravens cover Mike wins if: the Giants win. Swetha & Sabreena tie Mike if: the Giants lose and the Ravens don't cover. If that last scenario happens, there will be a 3-day playoff between S&S and Mike. Just like Dodgers-Giants, 1954! This is the greatest ending to a Pick 6 ever. Okay, enough gambling. Let's get serious for a second here. Time for Duke content. -First, a couple folks sent me a great piece on Coach K in the Fayetteville Observer. It's got a lot of cool details about his private life, like how his two favorite shows are "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Criminal Minds." Which makes sense, since those shows are very similar. You can check it out here. -Second, we still know nothing about Kyrie Irving, although I absolutely love this story sent in by 'bluefaceddevil' in Friday's comments section:

I saw this comment at TDD: "DISCLAIMER: I am NOT claiming to be an inside source here or to have them, just wanted to share... I am a freshman at Duke and a friend of mine lives in Bassett (where the basketball players live). He said he was hanging out with Kyrie on one night this past week and when Kyrie was [not totally functional... you can figure it out], he confirmed that "yeah, I'm done for the year." Just passing it along. Not putting it up as fact, but I trust that my friend was telling the truth."

THAT'S IT, GUYS. EVERYONE CAN GO HOME. Kyrie Irving was drunk and he told a guy in his dorm that he was done for the year. End of season. The medical mumbo jumbo he and Coach K are spouting is a red herring. Thanks to bluefaceddevil for relating this wonderful tale, and I invite everyone reading to send me your best Kyrie Irving stories. I'll even feature the best in tomorrow's post. Here's mine:

Guys, I don't want to make anyone panic, but I've got some bad news. I used to take jujitsu from this undocumented Cambodian guy in Durham (I WILL NOT SAY HIS NAME, SO DON'T EVEN ASK). Anyway his jujitsu business failed because he tried to hit on a middle-aged woman during the middle of practice once and not only did he fail and get turned in but she also kicked his ass which pretty much ruined his jujitsu reputation around town. But he's a great guy, completely trustworthy, and now he works at a gas station on 15-501 (I AM NOT GOING TO SAY WHICH GAS STATION, FORGET IT!) where Kyrie Irving and some of his friends go to buy bubble gum on most Wednesdays. I was skyping with my old teacher last night and he told me that this week when Kyrie stopped in, he looked real upset. He and his friends were talking, and here's the story: Nolan Smith and Kyle Singler were jealous that he was doing so well, so they pretended to give him slippers as a gift after the Butler game. Kyrie was thankful, but he only put the right slipper on before he realized something was amiss. Turns out, they had put poison acid in the toes of the slipper. The problem isn't even Kyrie's big toe; every single toe on his right foot is gangrenous and days from falling off completely. There's a HUGE cover-up in Durham, led by none other than Coach K. Apparently one coach is upset and ready to blow the lid off (I WON'T SAY WHICH COACH GUYS, FUCK YOU.). This could get real interesting.

-Duke beat the St. Louis Billikens by a healthy margin on Saturday. This was the first game of the year I've missed, as I was in Winston-Salem watching the Hillside Hornets win their first state championship. There are two important questions raised by this game: 1) Why did Andre Dawkins get only 18 minutes of playing time? Why did Mason only get 11? None of the recaps I've read seem to offer any explanation. 2) What the hell is a Billiken? Well, according to this site, it's a "good luck figure who represents things as they ought to be." Here's a picture: And here's the Billiken statue at St. Louis: I can't decide if this is the best or worst mascot in the world. But let's take that article piece by piece to figure it out. Often called one of the coolest or most unusual campus mascots in the country, the Billiken's history -- and how it became affiliated with Saint Louis University-- remains debatable to this day. Also debatable? The fact that it's "often" called the "coolest" mascot in the country. The designer of the Billiken also seems to be fact. Florence Pretz, a Missouri art teacher and illustrator, patented her "design for an image" of the jovial creature in 1908. Good thing she nailed down that patent, as I'm sure there was a rush of copycats trying to beat her to the U.S. Copyright office. It's also known that the Billiken was manufactured in the early 1900s as a bank and statuette and was the national rage for about six months -- kind of that period's pet rock. A. It was manufactured as a bank? Like an actual bank? How did it fare during the Great Depression? B. If the Billiken was a "national rage," the democratic experiment we call America was always doomed. C. Pet rock? During this time, the Billiken was turned into all sorts of things: dolls, marshmallow candies, metal banks, hatpins, pickle forks, belt buckles, auto hood ornaments, salt and pepper shakers and glass bottles. Oh, I guess they meant like a piggie bank. Cute. Also, this just gave me a great idea for a Christmas gift. Let's cut to December 25th, my house: My Mother: Oh, um...is it.... Me: IT'S A FUCKING BILLIKEN HAT PIN, MOM. My Mother: Oh, oh...well thank you, sweetie, it's... Me: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH ON THE HOLIDAYS?! My Mother: No, no, I love it. I really do, I think it's- Me: IT'S A FUCKING BILLIKEN HAT PIN. That's about where the certainty ends, however. And the magic begins... It is believed that Pretz found the name Billiken in a poem by the Canadian poet Bliss Carman and gave the name to her patented design, which she sold to the Billiken Company of Chicago. It is not confirmed if the firm acquired its name from the Billiken or if it was an established name before the company bought the rights from Pretz's invention. Scenario A CEO: What a wonderful product! We shall change the name of our company to reflect this wonderful statuette! Quick, Ezequiel, place an order for new stationery! Ezequiel: I am unfortunately bedeviled with yellow fever. Scenario B CEO: Finally! An enterprising young woman has made a product and named it after our company! What ambition! What moxie! Ezequiel, place an order for 1,000 of her products! Ezequiel: It is my dismay to tell you I am accursed with malaria. By 1912, the Billiken and its value as a good-luck charm were just memories for all except the loyal fans of Saint Louis University. In 1915, the Billiken was killed in an aerial battle with German flying ace Manfred von Richthofen. But you might know him as...THE RED BARON. The uniting of SLU and the Billiken seems to have happened sometime between 1910 and 1911 at the height of Billikenmania. This came just before William Howard Taftmania and followed hot on the heels of Hating Indiansmania. One story reports that a St. Louis sports writer decided that Bender resembled the Billiken. Later, a cartoonist drew a caricature of the coach in the form of a Billiken and posted it in the window of a drugstore. The football team soon became known as "Bender's Billikens." Another version of the story begins in a 1946 obituary that speaks of the death of Billy Gunn (say the name quickly) who owned a drug store close to SLU. Billygunn! Billgyun! Bilgyun! Bilygyun! Blagayun! Blagabon! Vagabond! Vagabond! HOLDY SHIT, IT'S VAGABOND! VAGABOND! DID I GET IT? IS IT VAGABOND?! A short, bespectacled man with a lively wit, Gunn was friend and confidant to SLU players and coaches. Said the obituary, "Gunn gave the Saint Louis University athletic teams their nicknames. Coach Bender walked into Mr. Gunn's drugstore one afternoon and was greeted by the proprietor with: 'Bender, you're a real Billiken!' William O'Connor, a noted sportswriter who was there, took up the name for Bender, and eventually the University teams became known as the Billikens." God, this story is so long. Also, does this even make sense? Wasn't the big deal that Billy Gunn sounded like Billiken? Then why would he call the coach a name that sounded like his own? GOD WHO EVEN CARES. Yet another story gives an alternate perspective. During a 1953 dinner honoring Charles Z. McNamara and William O'Connor, a different story was told: One afternoon at practice, as McNamara and O'Connor looked on, Bender was all smiles. Bender's broad grin and squinty eyes so impressed O'Connor that he exclaimed, "Why, Bender's a regular Billiken!" He was all smiles because he'd just committed his first murder. The first of many. You see, O'Connor wasn't like most men. O'Connor was different. O'Connor needed death. He needed it like your I need oxygen. And that's why they called him a Billiken. I think. McNamara later drew the cartoon of Bender in the form of a Billiken and posted it in a drugstore window near the practice field. His mutilated body was found in the Missouri River later that week. "It doesn't bother me that there are multiple versions of the Billiken story," said University archivist John Waide. "That's the way history goes. It's a constant search for the truth that will take considerable research, and we may never know exactly what is true." "And you'd be wise to stop poking around these parts, young fellow!" However the story is told, Billikens always possess cheery personalities, broad smiles and rotund bellies. They bring luck to Saint Louis University's sports teams and smiles to the faces of SLU fans. One last point on Billiken luck: To buy a Billiken gives the purchaser luck, but to have one given to you is better luck. The kind of luck a person might...die for. **************** Today is the last day of the semester, gang. One more law test and I am up and out of here, hot-dogging it north like a dissatisfied southern teenager. Send me your Kyrie Irving stories, and let me know if you want in on the football pool. See you tomorrow.

Friday Pick Sick: Volume Two, WEEK SIX!

Well, my friends, yesterday was basically the worst sports day of all time. Kyrie Irving is grievously injured, the Red Sox picked up Carl Crawford, and those awful Dallas Mavericks beat the kind-hearted New Jersey Nets. One of those three things is something I don't care about. If you can guess it in the comments, I will mail you a play-doh statue of Dirk Nowitski that I made in the shower.

First, let's get this Kyrie thing out of the way. I realize that yesterday's post makes me look kind of (or incredibly) like an idiot, but it was published before everyone and their mother started saying he was done for the year. I didn't know this to be the case. And, in fact, it's not. At least not yet. The most complete account we have at this point comes from the Durham Herald-Sun. Their main source is his father, and the money quote of the article is this:

“I just think at this point we are all speculating and don’t have anything concrete,” Drederick Irving said. “I have spoken to the doctors and they are waiting for swelling to go down. It’s pretty much day-to-day.”

We will not know anything concrete for at least another week. It could be that he's out for a month, it could be that he's out for a year. And that's all we'll get for right now.

Still, that didn't keep the Internet from getting annoying. Everybody with a router and a keyboard wanted to post something definitive about Kyrie's future. The majority of this speculation was based on nothing factual, and most of the phonies linked to some kind of blog post in a desperate plea for hits. There's nothing like a toe injury to bring out the self-promoting scumbags of the World Wide Web. My least favorite, I think, was someone called "The Recruit Scoop," who posted this:

According to a close source, Duke freshman Kyrie Irving is likely out 3-4 weeks and will not miss the rest of the season, as rumored.

On his twitter page, the "Recruit Scoop" identifies himself as Alex Kline, a 16-year-old "recruiting analyst" who writes for Rivals, Zagsblog, and The RecruitScoop.

Needless to say, this pre-pubescent kool-aid drinking study-hall loving detention-avoiding rascal did not have a close source at Duke, and he was just fabricating like a fiend to get re-tweeted and steal some blog hits. It worked; he got re-tweeted 38 times, including by me. And now I'm annoyed. Plus, something about the kid's age just aggravates me. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BASKETBALL, WHIPPERSNAPPER?

Maybe I'm a grumpy old person. In fact, I know I'm a grumpy old person. But Alex, homeboy: I don't mind that you have a recruiting website even though it mostly plays off the novelty of you being 16. Maybe you're a good kid; lord knows I made mistakes in the day (30 days in an El Paso prison made me a man and also, curiously, an eternal child). But please, stop making shit up. People care about this stuff, and as an older person I would like to teach you the valuable lesson on not exploiting the passion of others for a few hits. One day big bad karma gon' wheel back around and sting you, son. And those hits will vanish like...dust in the wind. That's a reference to a song you've never heard of, Alex. YOU DON'T KNOW TRUE PAIN! KANSAS IS NOT JUST A STATE! I hope your locker jams at a hugely inconvenient time before 3rd period.

Apparently I'm the moral high ground now. Great. Catch me on "Sports Reporters" this Saturday talking about how Albert Haynesworth is too lazy. (If that show still exists.)

Is it unsavory to attack a 16-year-old, or are people pretty much on board with that sentiment? Man, I hate kids. I'm like a prodigy in the curmudgeon world. Old men gather on park benches to talk about my potential. "He could be the most bitter asshole of all time," they say. And then I walk by and kick a pigeon.

Enough of that, let's have some fun. And I only know two ways to have fun: shouting obscenities at families out my car window, and DUKE HOT POTATO!


Hot potato is simple: for each game, you pick how many points a player will score, and the difference is your point total. A lower score is better. Check out this post for current standings. Our next game is Duke-St. Louis, tomorrow at noon. Is there any doubt about the hot potato? There's only one man who played himself onto the potato oven, and that's the BABY DAWK, aka YOUNG THREEZY!


You can join up even if you didn't play last time. We keep score by game averages, so pick today and you're still eligible. Leave your pick in the comments.

Okay, I've wasted enough time. The moment you've all been waiting for is here. It's the final week, the final reckoning, and hear me, amigos: this is a good one. ON YOUR FEET! IT'S:


THE FRIDAY PICK SIX


VOLUME TWO, WEEK SIX


The Friday Pick Six is an original SCSD! game where six people make six predictions for six weeks. Along with their picks, they're allowed and encouraged to submit a 'sound-off' on any topic, sports or otherwise. When it's all done, the winner earns great honor among the people, while the two losers are exiled in shame and the three middle finishers go to purgatory, with the chance rescue their good name up to three times. To learn more about the rules, and about the current contestants, read below:

-The inaugural champ and intros to the New Class
-Week One
-Week Two
-Week Three
-Week Four
-Week Five

THE HALL OF ANGELS: OLD CHAMPIONS

1. Tom.

Here's how Volume Two looks:

Creatures in Purgatory: Jill, Carrie, Spike
Newcomers: Swetha & Sabreena, Nick E., Mike L.

Standings after Week Five

1. Spike: 24
2. S&S: 23.5
3. Nick: 21.5
3. Mike: 21.5
3. Jill: 21.5
6. Carrie: 13.5

Last week was an absolute DOOZIE. Carrie, she of the bold disposition, put on her Sunday best and faced down The Temptress. For five games, she was doing okay. It all came down to Colts-Cowboys. It seemed like her dreams might come true, but let's face it, any good temptress leads her suitors on til the last possible moment. Peyton threw two interceptions, Dallas won, and Carrie's dreams were all but shattered with a -10 point penalty. But after a cluster atop the leaderboard, Spike hiked up the ladder to take first. Going into this, our final week, Swetha & Sabreena are right there with him.

And now:

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES!

Sponsored by:

Bill O'Reilly! O'Reilly is a political pundit for FoxNews, and he'll be providing commentary and analysis of the boys against girls clash in Pick 6. This week's standings:

Boys: 67
Girls: 58.5

O'Reilly: "Folks, I'm not one of those people who's going to give in to stereotypes. Sure, you'll hear other guys say, 'oh, women are all irrational.' 'Oh, they make dumb choices on a whim, and it costs them later.' But me? I don't necessarily believe that. Carrie is somebody I respect. I really do. She's a good person, she does good things, and frankly I like reading her Pick 6 rants. But at the end of the day, can we trust her? Can we trust that she's not going to be won over by emotions? I mean, the temptress...it was a fool's errand all the way. Right from the start, there were red flags everywhere.

Everyone else knew not to try it. Would Carrie have even attempted this, if she had the cold, hard logic of a man? Who's to say? I'm not going out on that limb, but it's something to think about. It really is. Folks, if you look at the numbers, men are just smarter. I've seen the test scores. I've seen them. I studied them. Carrie is irrational like most women, that's all I'm saying. And now the men are going to win. I'm not surprised by that. I'm really not. But I think it's a shame, and it's not Carrie's fault; she was limited by the unreasonable nature of being a female. But I'll give her the last word."

Thanks Bill! Here's the docket from our good friend Jim (Dr. Docket, the papers call him), with #6 from me.

1. Man, the Jets got nut punched by Tom Tom and crew. Also, the Chicago Bears have been looking less foolish recently. Showdown at Soldier Field. Will douchey Jay Cutler show up and throw 158 interceptions or will slightly less douchey Jay Cutler show up and throw another 4 touchdowns?

2. Quick NCAA Football matchup: Army v. Navy. Both teams have played way better this year than I can remember in a long time. This game might actually be interesting!

3. FCS Football showdown! Villanova and Appalachian State.

4. NCAA Basketball is going to be great this weekend. I am most excited to see Tennessee v. Pittsburgh. (I just hope Bruce Pearl doesn't get caught inviting the entire crowd to his house for a recruiting function.) AND Catholic school isn't just pillow fights and sing-alongs. Gonzaga and Notre Dame meet in a showdown of altar boys. Who will be more divine? Pick both games, 1 point each.

5. Drum roll... the reason EVERY hotel in the greater Winston-Salem area has been sold out for days! the Hillside High Hornets take on the Davie County Country Bumpkins. Oh yeah, its on!

6. It wouldn't be the Pick Six without allowing for some desperate measures, so dig this last one:

THE NFL TEASER. You can pick as many or as few games as you want, but you will be picking a winner against the spread. For each winner you pick correctly, you get 2 points. For each you pick incorrectly, you lose 2.5. Again, pick every game, pick none, or anywhere in between. It's up to you. (Odds were listed for the picksters from ESPN.)

We begin with Spike, who carries the flag of Seattle as he attempts to win his first Pick Six championship:

Spike

I'm honestly too nervous to do anything. My silence the last two weeks has led me to the top. Will I break it?

PATS

The Bears aren't as good as the Patriots.

ARMY

Fuck Navy. Boats are terrible.

NOVA

I had a professor who wasn't given a full time job at Williams and ended up at Nova. He's great.

PITT and NOTRE DAME

I'm persecuting Bruce Pearl like Jesus right now.

HILLSIDE

Come on.

Falcons, Ravens, Eagles, Seahawks, Cardinals

BIRD ATTACK. COMING AT YOU FROM ABOVE. (I wouldn't have picked the Cardinals or Seahawks if I hadn't picked the other three birds). COMMITMENT TO A BIT.

DEAR GODS OF PICK SIX. MAY YOU GUIDE MY PICKS TO BE TRUE. SINCERELY. SPIKE.


Swetha & Sabreena

1. Every time we pick against the Patriots, bad things happen. Ain’t nothing stopping Tom Brady and those fine locks of hair. PATS

2. Both Navy and Army played Duke this year. Army killed us at home and we put up quite a few points on Navy in Annapolis. That being said, the stats all say that Navy is better and oddly enough, I agree. MIDSHIPMEN.

3. Where does a degree from Nova take you?

Villa-nowhere.

APPALACHIAN STATE

4. As we’ve said before, we can’t ever pull for Tennessee. (P.S. thank you Jim for giving us the opportunity to use this video again) Also, Pitt has produced one of my favorite non-Duke players ever, DeJuan Blair, whose butt the New York Times deemed a worthy topic for a feature story. No, really, I’m not making that up. PITTSBURGH

Ever since Len Elmore picked Gonzaga to win the national title this year, I just want them to lose every single game in a blowout. NOTRE DAME

Side note - how is it that Duke gets stuck with some combination of Mike Patrick, Len Elmore and Dick Vitale for every single game, but teams like Florida and Memphis get the good guys, like Jay “Batman” Bilas (listen to his voice closely) or Bobby Knight?

5. We aren’t picking against Shane’s homeboy. HILLSIDE.

6. This question has given us--well, one of us--quite a lot of grief. But we're playing to win.

-We love rooting for teams with this mascot. LIONS
-Atlanta-Carolina really shoudn't be close. FALCONS
-I want to believe that the Bucs can respond from these last two losses and prove that they really are the coolest team in the NFL. TAMPA BAY
-Teams keep winning with interim coaches. I don't know why. BRONCOS
-Speaking of interim coaches, Dallas is one stupid Roy Williams fumble away from being undefeated under Jason Garrett. I expect that to continue. DALLAS

Mike

1. The Patriots (and Brady's hair) look like they are finally Nsync. I will go with my adopted New England team that I don't actually care about. PATRIOTS

2. Is the game being played on land? Normally I would say this bodes well for Army. But I think the absence of the ocean's waves will propel the seamen* faster than they go down my shower drain. NAVY

*Get it? The words sound similar.

3. Appalachian St. sounds like it would produce hearty mountain men. I'll go with them.

4. I'm going to go with the home teams, PITT and NOTRE DAME

5. I can't bet on a team that would name themselves the "bumpkins." HILLSIDE

6. NFL desperation picks, I'm going big or I'm going home.

Browns at Bills (-1)
Giants at Vikings (Pick 'em)
Bengals at Steelers (-9)
Buccaneers (-3) at Redskins (because the Skins are just so fucking good)
Falcons (-8) at Panthers
Patriots (-3) at Bears


Jill

Pats v. Bears: Patriots. They spanked the Jets. Following such total domination, there is a chance that this could be a let-down week for the Pats. Chicago’s stifling defense has only allowed 16 points per game, they are at home, they have a five-game win streak, and Jay Cutler hasn’t been, you know, atrocious lately. But the Pats have their swagger back. And they are 20-1 in their last 21 games vs. teams from the NFC.

Army v. Navy: Navy. My ex-boyfriend went to Navy. This was his favorite game every year. A few months ago, I was standing outside Grand Central Station, in the exact place where he once threw up all over the sidewalk, so I decided to text him out of the blue to say hi. I didn’t expect him to respond, because he sort of hates me now. I deserve it, but whatever. I shockingly received an immediate text. It said: “This is Bill’s wife. I would appreciate if you never texted him again. Thanks.” So yeah. His wife. Responded to my text. About public puking. Color me amused, stunned, and somewhat horrified. Every part of me wants to pick Army in an upset. I’d like to pretend it is because I am a bigger person, waving a proverbial olive branch and all, but it is just that I like winning more than holding a (fake) grudge.

Villanova v. App State: Villanova. Let’s continue with ridiculous stories, shall we? When I moved to North Carolina, my mom told me about this “gorgeous West Coast guy” who “played football at my high school” and was “really involved in class,” who had just moved to Wilmington the previous year. She said this to verbally bribe me into false excitement, because I was beyond depressed about leaving New York. Still, I was intrigued. I imagined this Mark Sanchez-like dreamboat driving me to school every day. By “gorgeous West Coast football player leader genius,” my mom had meant “tall, chubby, red-headed, Bible beating tight end from a small town in Colorado.” He played football for App State. I am still disappointed. It is probably smarter to pick App, but I just can’t. Consider this a real grudge.

Tenn v. Pitt/Gonzaga v. ND: Pitt, ND. Gonzaga is 4-4 in the WCC, while Notre Dame is 8-1 in the beast that is the Big East. And Pitt is just better, one of the most dominant teams of the season thus far. I don’t see an upset happening here.

Hillside v. Davie: Hillside. I did not realize that this cycle would be Pick Five + Hillside. This was the conversation that I just had on g-chat:

me: what sport is #5? football? again?
Davie County Country Bumpkins does not come up in google
this was a joke I understand
sort of
Carrie: yes
Hillside again for chrissake.

Enough said. This is worse than when Shane went on that crazy golf streak.

Teaser: Jets. Broncos. Giants. Browns. Redskins.


Nick E.

Here's a funny link.

1. PATRIOTS

2. NAVY

3. APP STATE

4. PITTSBURGH, GONZAGA

5. HILLSIDE

6. Lets go big this week: JETS, BROWNS, PACKERS, GIANTS, STEELERS,
FALCONS, SAINTS, PATRIOTS, CHARGERS, EAGLES


Carrie

This week, my attitude is sponsored by the devil may care persona I began cultivating last week. Brought to you by the letters K-F-I-T-U-C. In no particular order (except one particular order.)

1. My allegiance with the Patriots last week was not well-received by one of my very dearest friends, a die-hard Jets fan and a true peach of a hat-wearer. At this point, I am already losing Pick Six anyway. However, I cannot afford to jeopardize my friendship any further. J-E-T-S!

2. Having never played flip-cup with any members of the Navy, I don't really know what they bring in terms of competitive spirit. I mean, I guess the armed forces guys all get a little... wound up sometimes, but I'm going to stick with Army.

3. I once worked at a camp with a girl that went to Appalachian State and the resounding impression of the school that I got was that it was really critical how you pronounced Appalachian. Hint: it's not at all how a. you'd think or b. anyone outside of Appalachian State actually says it.

4. I feel like throwing Tennessee and Pittsburgh into the wording of this pick was a bit of a red herring for me. I saw those names and I was already thinking of where my feelings stood with each: On the one hand, I really like how people in Tennessee are into volunteering (in theory), but on the other, I am also very excited by the idea that Pitt is sort of an onomatopoeia (is that the one where a word sounds like what it describes?) But, wait, Carrie, hold the bus. That isn't even the pick. Ugh. Notre Dame had Rudy, right? And then Gonzaga had John Stockton? Only one of those notables played basketball, though, so... Gonzaga. (PS, I would have ended up picking Tennessee. So I guess we'll just have to tennesSEE about that.) (Wait, time out. We ARE supposed to pick both. Okay. Well, please refer to my last parenthetical.)

5.Sticking with good ol' Hillside. At this point, I have incredibly strongbad feelings about any team that would try to take them down after "all" "my" "investment".

6. Okay, so I've received some very kind fanfare for my bold decision to be the lone courter (courtesan?) of The Temptress last week. But, truth be told, I didn't really opt into it out of bravery. I genuinely did think everyone else would end up doing it and I would look dumb if I didn't. So, basically if succumbing to peer pressure is at all comparable to bravery, I was in fact very brave. I had to talk myself into it still, so I guess there was like a modest amount of courage involved, but I was mostly just trying not to be left behind. However, this week, I am very very much behind anyway, so I'm going big on this one. I don't love the phrase "go big or go home" but I do love when people actually go big or actually go home. This week, with Pick Six purgatory on the line, I've got to go big. Do I have to go as big as I am about to? Shane and his helpful explanatory mathing told me no. BUT I LAUGHED IN HIS FACE. I am doing it anyway. I am picking 'em all*!

*except for the Colts, aka The Symbol of My Dashed Dreams. I've taken enough risk on you, Peyton. We're on a break.

Browns at Bills (-1)
Packers (-7) at Lions
Giants at Vikings (Pick 'em)
Bengals at Steelers (-9)
Buccaneers (-3) at Redskins
Falcons (-8) at Panthers
This one's for you, Dad: Raiders at Jaguars (-5)
Rams at Saints (-10)
Seahawks at 49ers (-5)
Patriots (-3) at Bears
Dolphins at Jets (-6)
Broncos at Cardinals (Pick 'em)
Chiefs at Chargers (-7)
Eagles (-4) at Cowboys
Ravens (-3) at Texans

****************
I have to say, it was a great move by Spike to invoke the Pick 6 Gods. I'd be very surprised to see him lose. Meanwhile, Carrie is like a sad old man at a casino. Maybe he had a nice run early in the night, and a crowd of people were watching and he felt like a million bucks. Now, the money's all gone but he's trying to recapture that feeling, making crazy bets and looking around, hoping to rekindle the vibe. But it's 4am, and the only person still around is the prostitute he hired when times were good. And crap, he still owes her a thousand dollars! I wonder if she'll take a discount if I just let her go home?

That's Carrie, all right. See you on Monday, friends. Don't forget to make your hot potato pick below. If you played last time, use your same name. GO DUKE.