(Hello readers. I found this one on the subway this morning. Not sure who the author is. I guess the whole nation is thinking about Duke. Anyway, it was a bunch of papers strewn about, with scratchy handwriting. It looked kinda hurried, but I think there's real potential, so I decided to transcribe it for the morning post. There were notes written on the margin at certain points, and I've put these in italicized parentheses.)
The Day Nolan Smith and I Dominated the Courts
"ERIC, GET IN HERE!" shouted Ron Fariglia, the boss with the thick black mustache who liked to scream and act like he owned the whole place. "GET IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
Eric Stuart, an intensely handsome fellow in his early-to-late forties, walked in with his usual panache (think of something more sexual than 'panache'). He was dressed in competent clothing from an assortment of places like Banana Republic and The Gap. He did not feel the need to buy expensive suits and cuff links like Ron, his boss. He was so secure that he didn't even need to go to the gym or worry about having washboard abs or not being chubby.
"YOU DIDN'T MEET YOUR QUOTA FOR LAST WEEK," shouted Ron Fariglia. Eric's job was to sell computer software over the phone. His department marketed compact discs that gave the user a week of internet for free. After that, you have to pay only 40 dollars per month plus fees (insert "faster than DHL" pitch point), which is less than some major providers. "I AM SO FURIOUS WITH YOU!"
Eric did not even flinch. He did not feel the urge to cry. No tears came to his eyes, and his knees did not quiver. His shirt was tucked in all the way, even in the back where it's tough. "So what?" he asked with a confident smirk.
This unsettled Ron Fariglia. "WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU?!" He bellowed and grimaced, but you could see that he was shaken by Eric's extreme coolness. "I HAVE HALF A MIND TO FIRE YOU! AND YOU CAN CERTAINLY FORGET ABOUT THAT RAISE!"
"How about this," said Eric, without pausing or shaking. "We play for it. Basketball, the worker's game. If you win, you can fire me. If I win, I get that raise. Plus I get to be the boss, and Tabatha your secretary has to have sex with me (possibly two women? Too unbelievable?)."
Ron Fariglia smiled and his whole mustache rose. "HAHA! WHAT A JOKE! I AM A FULL EIGHT INCHES TALLER THAN YOU. I'LL DESTROY YOU!"
"So it's a deal?"
"YES. WE'LL DO IT THE USUAL WAY: EACH OF US WILL PICK A PARTNER, AND WE'LL PLAY TWO ON TWO BASKETBALL. FIRST TEAM TO 11 WINS."
Eric put out his hand, but when Ron went to shake it, he removed it and swept it back through his hair in an awesome gesture that popular people are known to do. It made Ron furious, and he smashed a window with his non-shooting fist. But then they actually shook hands, because everyone knows it's not a deal until you shake (good detail, makes it life-like).
Out on the company court, everybody from the office had come to watch. Tabatha, Ron's secretary, stood in front of the whole crowd. She didn't know who to cheer for. She bunched up her fists by her chin nervously. (think of maybe one more classic nervous girl gesture) Ron had picked his friend Magglio as a teammate. Magglio was a mean and stupid person who cheated to win sales contests. Eric chose Barry, his lunch partner who worked in human resources. Barry was useless. He had never even played basketball. He acted like having a wife was such a huge deal. (his wife is cross-eyed)
Magglio and Ron took an early 10-0 lead. They only needed one more basket to win. Then Barry broke his leg.
"WELL I GUESS THAT'S IT. YOU LOST YOUR PARTNER, SO YOU FORFEIT!" Ron yelled. He laughed and slapped five with Magglio. Tabatha on the sidelines looked sad. "THAT IS, UNLESS YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE TO BE YOUR TEAMMATE IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, BUT THAT CERTAINLY SEEMS UNLIKELY, BECAUSE I'LL FIRE ANYONE WHO JOINS YOU!"
Eric hung his head. (how low? be descriptive)
"I GUESS YOU'RE FIRED, LOSER!" Ron laughed again.
"Not so fast!" said a voice. The crowd spread apart, and a lone man walked through their midst, wearing a blue uniform.
IT WAS NOLAN FUCKING SMITH!
"I've been watching you for some time," said Nolan Smith, pointing an angry finger at Ron. "I don't like the way you run this company. I think it needs a new boss. And Eric, my best friend, is just the man for the job."
Then Nolan Smith did a sick crossover and fake threw the ball at Ron's head. Ron flinched and fell over, and everyone laughed. Then Nolan Smith spun to the basket, pump faked, and nailed a jumper. Total swish, like always. Everyone went fucking nuts.
The game resumed, and Nolan just dominated the shit out of everyone. He kept stuffing Ron, and spinning and doing crossovers, and nailing jumpers in everyone's face. One time just for fun he did a cartwheel and dunked it with his feet. Nobody had ever seen the likes of it. (maybe "nobody in the universe")
Soon the game was tied at 10-10. A 2-pointer would win it. Eric and Nolan Smith huddled up. "You should take the winning shot," said Eric. "It only makes sense. You are much better at basketball."
"I may be good at basketball," said Nolan, "but if there's one thing I'm really great at, it's knowing which people have heart. And you have more heart than anyone I've ever seen. Believe me, you are awesome. We will hang out for the rest of our lives. You need to take this shot."
They broke the huddle. Magglio and Ron guarded Nolan, and he did just a ton of fancy dribbling while they looked like complete idiots. They kept swiping for the ball and running into each other(talk about how they'd be stunned for a second and totter around all dumb). Then, right when they were about to get the ball, Nolan Smith chucked it to Eric beyond the three-point line. Eric did not hesitate for even one second. He threw it up, and it soared like a beautiful eagle until it dropped in the net with a splash.
PEOPLE WENT CRAZY. Everyone screamed and cheered! It was complete friggin' mayhem!
Oh man, Ron was so mad. He kept punching himself in the head, and he and Magglio stormed away. They knew they had both lost their jobs. Eric high-fived Nolan and went over to Tabatha. "It looks like it's you and me for sex," he said.
"Okay," she said.
"But I have sexual insecurities," he told her.
Then Nolan Smith came over, and took off his Duke jersey. He tossed it to Tabatha. "Wear this," he said. "I bet it'll help you both."
Everyone laughed, nobody more than Eric and Tabatha. Nolan's abs were awesome.
"That's true, though," said Eric in an intimate moment. "It probably will help."
Then he and Tabatha kissed (add part about how they'd get married for sure), and Nolan and the rest of the office people danced and hugged as the sun went down. It had gotten late. The End.