Friday, June 25, 2010

Landon Donovan Fan Fiction

(Hello readers. I found this one on the subway this morning. Not sure who the author is. I guess the whole nation is thinking about Landon Donovan. Anyway, it was a bunch of papers strewn about, with scratchy handwriting. It looked kinda hurried, but I think there's real potential, so I decided to transcribe it for the morning post. There were notes written on the margin at certain points, and I've put these in italicized parentheses.)

THE DAY LANDON DONOVAN AND I ROCKED AN ENTIRE COLLEGE PARTY

Hollis Martin was a humongous jerk. He played for the college soccer team and was tall, but his long blond hair wasn't even as good as most people said. He liked to walk around with a dumb smile, being arrogant and winking at girls and saying things like "YA BRO IT'S GONNA BE AN AWESOME TIME!" (think of another authentic quote for character building...)

One day Hollis Martin and his friends were talking about a party they were going to have on campus. They posted flyers on every lamp post and told all the girls. 'The entire soccer team will be there!' they bragged. 'You can't imagine the fun!' Soon a lot of the girls were talking and giggling about the party. You could watch them in their circles, looking out of the corner of their eyes at Hollis and his friends and blushing. It was the big story around campus. Everybody knew it.

David Lawson was an unassuming student who was nice and very handsome when you got to know his personality. He was good at many things that were not obvious right away. In high school he had played on the soccer team, but even though he was plenty good enough to play for the college team, Hollis Martin and the coach who couldn't recognize real talent if HIS ASS FELL INTO IT kept him off the team.

David Lawson didn't talk to too many people and mostly stayed in his room. He moderated a message board about international soccer, and was very popular among the people there. He could ban anyone with a push of the button. Sometimes he would use an IP ban. (go into greater detail about the finality of the IP ban...)

When David was walking to class that morning, he stopped in front of a lamp post. He liked to read the the flyers. That's when he saw the flyer for the soccer team party. At first, he thought nothing of it. But then he saw a shadow on the paper. He looked behind him, and who was it but Hollis Martin.

"I HOPE YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF COMING TO OUR PARTY, QUEER BAG!" said Hollis.

David stared at him. He was not tongue-tied. He just wanted to make an impression with silence.

"THIS PARTY IS ONLY FOR THE COOL PEOPLE OF CAMPUS!" said Hollis. "THERE WILL BE HOT CHICKS THERE. BELIEVE ME, YOU WOULD NOT FIT IN! YOU WOULD RUIN IT."

"I wasn't-" began David, but Hollis interrupted him.

"I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS!

Again, David used an intimidating silence to speak for him. (make it clear later that he does have a penis...)

"STOP LOOKING AT THE FLYER OR I'LL HUMILIATE YOU IN FRONT OF EVERY GIRL. ESPECIALLY MARISSA GRAVES!"

At the mention of her name, David recoiled. Marissa Graves was the most beautiful girl on campus. She was also nice.

"Marissa Graves would never fall for a fool like you!" David said in his own head.

"I'M BANGING MARISSA GRAVES 8 TIMES A DAY IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING!" said Hollis with a loud laugh. "TALK ABOUT SCORING! I NEVER SCORED THIS MUCH IN SOCCER!"

David gritted his teeth in anger and muttered a swear word a few minutes after Hollis left. He had never felt so angry in his entire life. One thing was clear: he would have to go to the soccer party. It was the only way he could keep Marissa Graves and her amazing good looks away from Hollis Martin and his cronies. It would be a last heroic effort.

That night as he was sleeping, the thoughts swirled around his head like in the tv shows where people's faces rotate in the air just above the person. First it was Hollis Martin. '8 TIMES A DAY!' he yelled with laughter. Then he rotated away and it was Marissa Graves. 'I don't know what to do!' she said. Then his high school coach Mr. Douglas. 'You will be the greatest goal scorer in the world!' David woke up with a start. It had only been a dream. There weren't people in the room. Also Mr. Douglas never said that and he never had a conversation with Melissa. But the Hollis Martin part was real enough. (add above that there was eerie music playing...)

Saturday night came along after a few days. At 10pm exactly, which is the cool time for a person to attend a party, David set out. He wore his favorite United States soccer jersey. The other soccer players watched him as he walked up the sidewalk to their house. Inside, the music was loud. Upstairs, someone flew out a window. They were thrown by a soccer player no doubt.

David bravely knocked at the door. It opened slowly, and there stood Hollis Martin. Behind him, Marissa Graves was wearing a really short skirt and purple lipstick just like David liked. She seemed nervous and not having fun. Her eyes lit up at seeing David.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YOU WEREN'T INVITED YOU BIG HOMO!" shouted Hollis. "GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!"

David had studied police procedure in his spare time, and he knew that if he just walked in, it could be breaking and entering. Ten years, easy. (confirm this with research...) So with a sigh, he knew the night was over. Marissa Graves would be gone forever.

He started to turn around, but all the sudden he heard a bunch of grunts and saw the college soccer players on the lawn flying everywhere. 'What in hell is happening?' he wondered. That's when he turned around all the way and saw an amazing sight.

IT WAS LANDON FUCKING DONOVAN! AND BOY, WAS HE WAS PISSED!


Holy shit. The greatest United States player in world history was wearing his full uniform, and just doing a bunch of roundhouse kicks on everyone in sight. He jogged up to the door, put his arm around David, and looked Hollis Martin right in the eye. "Hey Hollis," he said. "I heard a lot about you. I heard you stink at soccer."

Hollis Martin's tongue was hanging out of his mouth, he was so shocked. "UH DERRR UHHHHHHH..." he said.

"I have a feeling you're going to let my friend David into this party. He's easily one of the coolest kids on campus. And your party is about to get a lot more interesting."

With that, the two great friends walked in with their arms around each other. Hollis moved aside. In the background, Marissa Graves was cheering by jumping up and down. "What nice breasts!' David and Landon thought. They looked at each other and grinned. "I think we're really going to get along," said Landon.

After a few minutes of hanging out and laughing like crazy, Hollis Martin interrupted David and Landon. He had regained his composure. "HOW ABOUT THIS," he began. "WE PLAY BEER PONG. IF ME AND MY BUDDIES WIN, I GET TO KEEP MARISSA. IF WE LOSE, DORKFACE GETS HER AND YOU, LANDON DONAVAN, HAVE TO QUIT THE SOCCER TEAM."

Landon Donovan smirked at this offer. He could not have been more confident. He walked to the beer pong table, turned around to face Hollis, and unleased a devastating bicycle kick.

IT BROKE THE EFFING TABLE RIGHT IN HALF.

"I guess that's it for beer pong!" he said, and the whole place was laughing and cheering. They knew beer pong was stupid. Hollis Martin's face got really red and he threw his beer against the wall. It broke a television set.

Landon continued to talk. "No beer pong. We'll go outside and play soccer, like real men."

"FINE!" shouted Hollis. "PERFECT. MY ENTIRE TEAM IS HERE!"

In the background, Marissa agreed to the terms about her having to go with whoever won the game. (should there be a contract? elaborate...)

The soccer game started on the front lawn. It was Landon Donovan and David against Hollis and the entire soccer team. 2 against 11, not good odds. David played in goal and Landon played striker.

It was a tough battle. Landon could dribble like a human possessed, but sometimes the soccer team was able to put together a counter-attack. They also cheated. After 90 minutes of intense action, the score was 16-16. Only ten seconds left in the game. Landon Donovan had the ball, and he nutmegged Hollis Martin by dribbling it between his legs. Then he dribbled like crazy, spun around, backflipped, helicoptered, and almost scored. But at the last second he was taken down hard in the box.

The whistle blew at the same time as the horn. The referee rushed over and pointed to the spot. "That's a penalty kick!" he said. "After this, the game is over. Either your team scores, or the game ends in a tie and Marissa stays with Hollis. That is my ruling."

Hollis didn't like the penalty, and David didn't like the part about a tie meaning he lost Marissa, but both of them had to accept the referee's ruling. He was old and respected.

David expected Landon Donovan to take the penalty kick. But to his surprise, the soccer star approached him. "This is your kick," he said.

"What?!" David couldn't believe it. "But you are the star! Shouldn't you be taking it?"

"I have played almost one million games of soccer for this country," said Landon. "And I have never seen anyone with your kind of spirit. If I had to choose one human in the entire world to take this penalty kick, it would be you. You are a hero."

David narrowed his eyes. He knew Landon Donovan was right. He had to take the kick. That's what great people did.

The goalie got ready, but Hollis Martin came over and shoved him out of the way. "I'M IN NET! THERE'S NO WAY THIS TOTAL DORK IS SCORING ON ME!" he yelled. All the other soccer players laughed. They thought he was right.

David lined up thirty yards behind the ball and began sprinting. Like a gymnastics person, he did a series of flips and tumbles as he approached. Then he yelled like a ninja samurai and kicked the soccer ball with all his might. It shot out to the right, and low. Hollis dove, and the soccer ball hit his hand. It deflected slowly, and as everyone in the audience gasped (there were over one thousand people), it rolled across the line.

"It's a goal!" everyone shouted. Then they erupted in joyous cheers and hugged one another. The noise was heard for a hundred miles in either direction.

Hollis Martin was so angry and ashamed that he couldn't look at anyone. He kicked the grass. He left the college and became a janitor in Texas. The whole soccer team disbanded. Some later went to prison.

David and Landon Donovan jumped up and down in each other's arms. "This is the best day of my life!" they both shouted.

Then Marissa approached. "I guess I'm your girlfriend," she said with a hesitant smile.

"Yup," said David.

Landon Donovan winked. "It looks like you two will be needing a bedroom."

The entire place roared with laughter. When they finished, David spoke. "Yes, we'll definitely be having sex. I hope it goes okay."

As he and Marissa left to go upstairs, Landon Donovan and the rest of the partiers danced until 4 in the morning. They had never been so happy. It was the best party on record. Nothing would ever beat it. The End.

3 comments:

  1. Seth curry saves duke. wow was this you in college and perhaps you had these fake fantisies when you were drinking alone in your room. My goodness you have quite the imagination. You might want to get your sexuality checked before you write again.

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  2. I am actually the author who can claim authorship per the above awesomeness and by copying it you ARE BREAKING and ENTERING into the CONSTITUTION of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Twenty years, easy. (And no need for further research- I HAVE studied police procedure in my spare time you HOMO.)

    This was a true and lifelike account of only the greatest party on RECORD, so if you want to use it you'll give have to spend like a million dollars- unless you want to become a janitor in Texas and later go to prison in either direction.

    And just because I'm stopping typing doesn't mean I'm tongue tied- it's called an intimidating silence instead.

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