Friday, July 10, 2009

First Place!

Yo, Red Sox Nation! Joey G. here. You can call me Gentleman Joe, or Slim J, or the Wondrous Mystical Motherfucker. Your choice, bitches. But maybe, considering how things go...


Here's the scoop, from a badass full-account pinstriped skipper to a low-down town known for beans, clams, the world's least transparent water that ain't called Vitamin, and obnoxious white dudes with voices like the sound of a foghorn in a library, if the foghorn was drunk and under the misconception of being Irish: we did it up the charitable way, spotted you 8 games, and you still couldn't keep out the Yankee flood. First place, HOMES. Get a taste of that.

But I ain't here to stay. I got shit to do, like plan which windbreaker to wear for the World Series. Y'all can wear whatever you damn please, long as you got a ticket that scans. So dig on this last hot piece of wisdom, then I'm 'a head clubhouse-way to smoke a fat Cuban stogie and get wicked on some Sudoku (that's how I roll on a Friday, yo): like an angry homophobe from Southie lying gut-shot on his back, drinking up the siren light out front of the last "packie" he'll ever rob, wondering how come there ain't no stars in the Boston sky...get used to looking up.


Okay, enough of that. I'm taking over. Girardi insisted on writing a few words in today's post, and what could I say? He's the manager. I wish I hadn't promised to leave his words unedited, because a lot of that stuff is pretty hateful, in a weirdly imagistic way, to Boston. It's just baseball, Joe.

Still, it's good to be in first place. Whether we can stay there over the weekend before the All-Star Break is another matter; we play three in Anaheim, but Boston stays home for the weekend to face Kansas City, and they won't see Greinke. The odds aren't in our favor, but at least we pulled even for a quick glimpse.

Not much else to say on this fine Friday, so I'll leave you all with a bit of weekend reading from some of my past forays in "sports writing." Sometime in the summer of '07, I was contacted by the guy running a site called "NewsGroper," which basically does parody celebrity blogs. He wanted me to write George Bush or someone like that, but I pushed for A-Rod. Finally he agreed, and the gig was on.

Unfortunately, I was kind of a dick about the whole thing, and only updated a few sporadic times between August '07 and April '08 before disappearing. But that was back in the day, when we thought we'd live forever. Now, it looks like the site hasn't been updated since March, and is more or less defunct. Another ghost town in this world we call the internet. I can't necessarily recommend anything there, mostly because I haven't read much of it, so what you will with NewsGroper.

But I ran an unrelated gmail search yesterday and came across one of the old correspondence e-mails with the editor. I'd forgotten about the whole thing, so I read over some of my posts, and I have to admit, I chuckled. The voice I concocted for A-Rod is wildly inconsistent, and changes about four times in the few posts I wrote, but the half-assed, weird nature of the whole thing amuses me. I made the choice to post almost nothing about baseball, which I think pissed the editors off. I'd get an e-mail that was like "hey, you should do something about the steroid allegations!" and instead I'd write about A-Rod going to a grocery store or a graveyard or getting pissed off at Paul Newman.

Is this a huge turn-off, talking about my own stuff? Either way, I'm going to post the entries I wrote, and you can read some of them or not. WARNING: I did not write all of the A-Rod blog posts on this site. Some are not my responsibility, and I don't recommend them (also, some of the early titles of my posts were not "approved" by me). Only the ones linked below are authentic Seth Curry Saves Duke! ventures. Forewarned and such. So here we go, in chronological order:

A-Rod at the Grocery Store

A-Rod Takes on Mussina

Girls are the Worst!

I Wasn't Having Sex With the Urinal, Melky

Melky, You Could Have Gotten Me Killed!

Trouble With the FBI

Pick-Up Lines to Use on Gorgeous Babes

I Have Conceived of a Business Idea!

Hammer Toes Make Me Sick!

I Might Start a Foundation

It's 9/11 Again

I Hate the Playoffs

I Had this Craving for Oreos

Melky, You About to Get GOT!

I'm Owning the Cubs Soon

I am Furious at Paul Newman

Cleveland in the Fall is a Disgrace

Japan is Effin' Nuts!

Back From Japan and Confused

I guess I wrote more than I thought. Some are probably funnier than others. Anyway, that'll do it for today. The next time I post, it'll be on one of only two days in the entire year when there are zero games in any of the four major professional sports. That is going to be wild. What will I write about?!?!?!?!

Happy weekend.

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