Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Am Enjoying This Team, Part 2

On to the batters today. It's already 9:30, and I spent the morning waiting for a 5 train in Brooklyn that took 40 minutes to arrive. I had packed a full backpack load, and when I finally boarded, it was so crowded that I couldn't find a place to stand. Eventually I squeezed in between two women (RIGHT, FELLAS?!), but the one behind me kept pushing my backpack in passive-aggressive little shoves, nudging me into the face of the other woman, and also the pole. It forced me to lean back in response. Eventually I may have been a little more "reactive" in my leaning than was strictly necessary, and she began to yell at me to hold my backpack in front and save everyone some room.

I reverted to my usual tactic when people yell at me, which is to let them finish, pause for a couple seconds, and say "sorry? I didn't hear you." This tends to either infuriate or puzzle the yeller, but to the woman's credit she just repeated herself in a calmer voice, and in a nod to civility I humbled myself and carried out her demand. Also, she was probably right about the backpack thing.

Anyway, I got in late to work, so this post will be even more useless than yesterday's. In fact, I'm going to impose a word limit and analyze each player in ten words exactly.

Derek Jeter: Improbably consistent bat for his age, pleasant surprise on D.

Alex Rodriguez: Injury excuse has worn its welcome. Start hitting, you cheat.

Robinson Cano: Enormous offensive talent, spectacular glove, frightened and confused by RISP.

Mark Teixeira: Golden Glove, phenomenal bat, possible MVP, good kind of boring.

Jorge Posada: Steady at the plate, retains youthful power, huge defensive liability.

Johnny Damon: Some power, good average, weak arm, positive year old fella.

Brett Gardner: Hitting trying to catch up with speed, injured, trade bait?

Melky Cabrera: Best clutch hitter, improvement on last year's disaster, trade bait?

Nick Swisher: Fan favorite, good OBP, lacks baseball intelligence, poor in field.

Eric Hinske:
Hit more dingers, johnny-come-lately, johnny-come-lately is just one word, man.

Jose Molina:
Luis Sojo for new generation, defensive genius, needs luck offensively.

Hideki Matsui: Geriatric knees, streaky DH, huge offensive boon when fully focused.

That guy I probably forgot: Stop being such an underachiever, you worthless waste of lfie.

Okay, that's enough for me. Here's a picture:

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