Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stunner: After Giants Victory, Rangers and Cowboys May Swap Wins

DALLAS - The New York Giants, aka 'Death to Living Quarterbacks,' had the Yankees in their heart when they went down to Dallas and throttled the Cowboys last night. Linebacker Michael Boley came in on a clean rush and broke Tony Romo's left clavicle in the 2nd quarter, and the injury turned the tide. After the game, Eli Manning spoke about the win.

"I know this means a lot to the city of New York," he said. "After the Yankees lost, we got together as a team and said 'listen guys, we're playing for something bigger this week. We're playing to show those fucks from Texas what NYC is all about.'" He then poured out a full bottle of champagne, most of which ran down his clothes. "This is for the celebration that our heroes in pinstripes never got to enjoy."

When reached for comment, Derek Jeter sounded as if he'd been weeping for pure joy. "It means so, so much," he said. "If the Yankees can't win, the second best thing is for this city's football team to win against a team from the same region as the team that beat us a couple days earlier, if you follow me."

Speaking from his home late Monday night, Rangers manager Ron Washington was despondent. "It's almost like our win against the Yankees didn't happen," he said. "I don't want to talk about it."

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, a larger-than-life personality who rarely lacks an opinion, was uncharacteristically somber after the loss. "It makes you wish the Yankees had just won," he said. "Then maybe we'd have won. All I can hope is that San Francisco wins the World Series so that Eli and his teammates don't feel the need for more revenge when we play again on November 14th. And thank God we don't play the 49ers or Tampa Bay this year."

Tony Romo, his arm in a sling, desperately pitched a strange proposition to the news media and anyone else who would listen. "Look, nobody in Texas cares about baseball. We've known that for years. They had to ship thousands of Mexicans up to fill the park during the playoffs. So what about this: would Tom Coughlin and the Giants be willing to trade this one small win for a Yankee AL Championship? Why not, right? New York is a baseball town! This is crazy, guys, the solution is right in front of us! It makes so much sense! Trade the wins! My God, am I the only sane one in this whole locker room? My clavicle could be healed overnight!"

When a reporter from the Dallas Morning News spoke gently to Romo about the nature of time and the impossibility of his shoulder magically healing even if a win-swap occurred, the quarterback threw his helmet against the wall and broke down crying.

But the idea of trading wins gained some momentum as the night wore on. "It just makes sense," said Ranger center fielder Josh Hamilton via cell phone. He told reporters he was driving through Waco and 'thinking about life.' "Do I want to play in a World Series? Of course. That's everyone's dream. But do I want to do it at the expense of an entire city? No, I don't. I don't think we deserve that."

In a statement released at 3am, President Obama expressed his approval. "In this age of extreme partisanship, it's heartening to watch two teams reach across the aisle- and the country- and devise a solution based on compromise and common sense. New Yorkers love baseball, Texans love football. It just works. Plus, nobody wants to see those fucking deer horns for another week. And if I have to live through one more shot of Elvis Andrus smiling like he hasn't a care in the world, I will literally go crazy and bomb the Philippines."

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum could barely contain his excitement when he first heard about the proposal. "This is...this is amazing," said the 17-year-old phenom while pacing around his front lawn. He spoke in a fierce whisper, trying not to wake his parents. "You know what a World Series championship against the Texas Rangers would have meant? Exactly nothing, man. I'd be embarrassed to wear the ring. But the Yankees...oh boy oh boy oh boy. We'd be legends. I'd rule the school."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell nearly quashed the plan early Tuesday morning when he tentatively questioned its efficacy in a special press conference. "I'm pretty sure our bylaws prevent this kind of thing from happening," he said. "I don't want to...I don't want to diminish the idea, but trading wins with another sports league seems a little nonsensical, no? Borderline illegal, maybe?"

But MLB Commissioner Bud Selig jump-started the momentum an hour later, in a press conference of his own, when he took Goodell to task. "I have a formal request for Roger," said Selig, staring dramatically into the camera. "Quit being a homo." The normally objective press gave him a standing ovation, after which Selig continued. "I believe in fair play," he told the gathering, "and it's not fair to keep a football win out of Texas, and a baseball win out of Yankee Stadium."

Critics have pointed out that Selig may have a vested interest in a Yankees-Giants World Series since the ratings would be much higher with the New York market involved. But critics of those critics are all like, "okay, Arthur Nielsen, thanks for your input. Now fuck off."

Giants coach Tom Coughlin winked at several reporters when asked if he had this scenario in mind all along. "Did I come here hoping to win so I could barter for the Yankees?" Coughlin let out a small laugh. "Maybe. I can't remember. Ask Hal Steinbrenner."

Even Al-Qaeda, not known for their love of sports, joined the debate. In a grainy video released this morning, a person looking an awful lot like Osama Bin Laden appeared to threaten the safety of a World Series crowd, but only if the World Series was in Texas. Translated from the Arabic, Bin Laden's statement ran as follows:

"Death must come to all infidels. We have decided we will probably attack the World Series. The way things stand now, it's definite. Especially if the World Series is in Texas. That's like, a sure thing, praise Allah. I'm on record, here, Americans: World Series in Arlington means a huge attack. We've been waiting for an excuse to do something cool down there. But if the World Series were in New York and San Francisco? Probably not, no. We have already done New York, it's old news. Al-Qaeda is not about repeating itself. That would be lame and derivative. And honestly, good luck getting an extremist Muslim to come within like 50 miles of San Francisco. They are all afraid of catching the homosexuality."

Toward the end of his rant, the camara operator jokingly asked Bin Laden if this had anything to do with his huge man crush on Alex Rodriguez. "Seriously, Mahmoud, shut your fucking mouth," said an enraged Bin Laden. "If you were not my sister's husband, I swear to Allah I would behead you right in this fucking cave." Bin Laden appeared to clench his fists and look around in dismay. "Why is this asshole on camera? Didn't we say no more Mahmoud on camera? Wasn't that a policy? Does nobody listen? This is why we live in a cave, guys. Shit like this." Bin Laden stood up and began to storm off before realizing he was attached to a dialysis machine. He stumbled over the wires and swore again before punching the side of the cave, screaming, and holding his hand in pain. "Turn the fucking camera off!" he concluded. "And don't forget to edit this part out in Final Cut."

The World Series begins on Wednesday, so a final decision will likely come this afternoon. Yankees manager Joe Girardi expressed optimism. "I think it's going to go our way, I really do," he said in his typical measured tone. "The loss against Texas didn't feel real, if you see what I mean. I think the Giants win last night guarantees that we'll be where we belong, in the World Series." When asked what had to happen over the next few hours to make it possible, Girardi was reflective. "It's pretty simple, as far as I can see," he said. "Roger Goodell has to quit being a total retard."

Tony Romo, meanwhile, remained optimistic. "I get what they're saying about time and the impossibility of erasing previous outcomes," he said. "But I still think if we trade these wins, my clavicle will heal. Sometimes, you just have to believe."

If the shoulder does heal, however, Giants linebacker Michael Boley vowed to break it again when the teams meet on November 14th.


  1. I'm like not the biggest Onion fan (I know, how uncool AM I? Answer: Super) but I think this warrants a submission. Just send it over. That's how online journalism works, right? They'll totally see it in their inbox.

  2. Do you at least get to use something like this for a class assignment? It's a lot of thought and effort for breakfast table key pecking. good work though.

  3. A) I have already sent a mail horse with this story in the saddlebag toward New York City. I have written "Onion" on the side.

    B) "A lot of though and effort for breakfast table key pecking" should be the new blog motto. I unfortunately get to use this for nothing except my own amusement on cold, lonely nights.