Devils-Heels, The Stack-Up

Before we begin, I just want to take a moment to recognize the transcendent awesomeness of Kyrie Irving. Dan Wiederer, who wrote the great 3-part article on Coach K for the Fayetteville Observer, is back with an update on Irving after the cast came off. There's nothing new medically, but he recaps Kyrie's role on the team post-injury.

If you haven't noticed the bond between Irving and senior guard Nolan Smith, you haven't been paying attention.

During games, it's not uncommon for Smith to look over to Irving almost as often as he looks toward Coach K. It's a situation as peculiar as any in college basketball, a senior All-American with 128 games of experience under his belt looking to the bench for advice and encouragement from an injured freshman who has logged all of 231 minutes in his college career.

There's a lot of great stuff like that. Mike Patrick and Len Elmore touched on his passion during the State game, and I completely agreed; he's an awesome teammate. How many mega-stars like Kyrie would do all their sulking in private and put on a supportive show for teammates from day one, knowing full well their season might be finished? He never missed a beat on the bench, and you never got the sense he was anything but a really valuable member of the team, even in street clothes. And it can't be an act; he goes nuts whenever someone makes a great play, especially if it's Nolan.

If he doesn't play another game this year, and gets drafted this summer, I'll still consider his Duke career worthwhile. He's just a good dude, and a big recruiting coup for the school. Coach K wouldn't know a good big man if he fell face first into Wilt Chamberlain's crotch, but the man can find guards.

Okay. Let's take a look at the positional match-ups between Duke and UNC. Please keep in mind that:

-Since its inception, the sport of basketball is played 5 on 5, not in a weird series of 1 on 1 games.
-Therefore, this kind of analysis is slightly useless.
-But it's still guaranteed to pick a winner.


THE STACK-UP: DUKE-CAROLINA


Point Guards


Nolan Smith, the Grinning Cure.

Leads the ACC with 21.0 points per game and 5.6 assists

1.83 assist-to-turnover ratio

Won a national title while Kendall Marshall was still teething

Makes his own soup from fresh organic ingredients

Wrote the screenplay for 'Smokey and the Bandit

Kendall Marshall, "El Gran Caballo"

Is a huge douche about not turning it over- 2.62 Assist-to-turnover ratio

Named after a 'Ken Doll' from the Barbie toys

Hangs out gossiping with older women at hair salons

Twice arrested for buying illegal photos of George Clooney

Edge: Nolan Smith


Shooting Guards


Seth Curry, the Slick Koala

8.2 points per game, 42% from three

Great anticipation on defense

Taught his own grandmother a hard but valuable lesson about loyalty

Pored through the financials and discovered Bernie Madoff was cheating

Dexter Strickland, "Asshole"

Averaging a weak 8.6 per game

Does a really mean "naked Roy Williams" impression

Eats entire heads of lettuce to gross out Harrison Barnes

Likes to tell other players he'll 'dance on their fucking grave'

Edge: Seth Curry


The Taller, Better Shooting Guards


Kyle Singler, Boom Radley

18 points per game, 45% from the field

Likes to dive headfirst for loose balls

Wrote several 'Goofus & Gallant' comic strips in the 70s

Has a scientifically purer heart than most Mormons

Harrison Barnes, "Bonnie Prince Harry"

Averaging 23 points per game in his last 3

Drinks Fresca with a straw so his teeth don't get cold

Hates the outdoors because it's "too buggy"

Refuses to even think about wearing denim; way too chafing

Edge: Singler


The Bigs, #1


Miles Plumlee, Uncle Doofus

Averaging 2.3 shots against the side of the backboard per game

Spends entire days writing fart jokes in his dorm room

Becomes sullen around pretty girls, remembering a 4th-grade break-up

Tells on his teammates if they discuss pornography

Tyler Zeller, "Ole Indiana"

Gets an erection from a crisp bounce pass

Has seen every episode of "Leave it to Beaver" 5 times

Thinks there should be a Jump Hook Hall-of-Fame

Thinks the jury is still out on whether integrating the sport was a good thing

Edge: Miles Plumlee


The Bigger Bigs


Mason Plumlee, King Cauliflower

Has a bed shaped like an old dune buggy

Yells "OH GOODNESS" every time he makes a sweet block

Really into manga, but only the artistic kind

Incorrigibly tries to shoot the moon when he plays hearts

John Henson, "Drew Henson" or "Jim Henson"

Going through a pretty extreme anarchy phase the past two years

Talks incessantly about 'the perfect murder' while staring at Zeller

Wears scuba gear in the team shower

Meows really obnoxiously whenever he sees a dog

Edge: Mason Plumlee


The Coaches


Coach K, The Insinuator

Capable of hypnotizing anyone with his weird, rhythmic speech

Scares the shit out of small children

Invented the dribble

Often found mumbling Mother Goose rhymes with a serene smile

Roy Williams, "HardyHardyHarHar"

Tells endless farming anecdotes

Chases after fire trucks

Best 'pig-rider' in the county

Square dances by himself

Edge: Coach K

************
And there you have it: Duke has the edge at all 5 positions and coach. And that's not even counting our bench, with Young Threezy and The 'Munk (Thornton) and The White Raven. This game is going to be a blow-out. 312-5. See you tomorrow for an actual preview.