Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Yo, Carolina, DIG THIS


A man doesn't doesn't have to ace the charts at the DMV to see that 'Carolina Blue' is that color's most feminine shade.

Below sea level, they keep wondering how Roy Williams survives so well on land. Dude looks like a fish.

Cameron Indoor Stadium still makes Dean Smith cry. He has nightmares about engineering students.

Deon Thompson does Karaoke in his room by himself. He wishes he had been born a woman.

Eric Montross. He won a title, but come on. If you didn't hate this guy, your last name is probably Montross.

Fred Penner kept certain things inside his log. A guitar, inspirational quotes written on recycled paper, and a photo of Antawn Jamison with the eyes x'ed out. Even Fred Penner hates you.

Germany, 1945 is a place of evil that was getting overrun by good, honest Americans. Another example? Chapel Hill, 2010.

Here's a joke: What's blue, round, and made of glass? I don't know, but Roy Williams is six kinds of creepy.

If you want to earn 200 bucks the easy way, tell the police you saw Roy Williams around an elementary school playground.

Jordan was your best player. Grant Hill was ours. Guess who won more national titles. Hint: it ain't the dude with the gambling problem.

Krzyzewski is 32-35 against UNC after starting 2-10 while he was building the program. That's a positive trend, math-heads.

Lice is a recurring problem for Tyler Zeller. I read it on the internet. He has terrible hair hygiene.

Maps tell us that 15 miles separate Duke and UNC. North Carolina state law tells us that 500 feet must separate Roy Williams and any elementary school. I went back to the well.

Nobody's a bigger Tyler Hansbrough fan than me, but let's get real: in four years, he broke all the major awkward records. If awkwardness was an olympic event, the Chinese government would pay him millions of dollars to start a training academy in Beijing.

Over 21,000 people will watch Duke get their romp on at the Dean Dome Wednesday. Of those, over 20,000 prefer to wear their overalls with one strap unbuckled. I'm from New York City, and I have arrogant ideas about the south.

Perhaps, you're thinking, Scheyer will go easy on Carolina. Perhaps you're wrong, asshole. When Scheyer has dreams about Ed Davis, he wakes up with his tattered pillow clenched in his teeth. And then he finishes the job.

Question: How many pillows does Scheyer go through every year? Answer: the last person to ask him to his face now looks like Coach K on a bad day. And that was a chick.

Remember Matt Doherty? Me Either.

Save your quarters, UNC fans. After the game, you can go to the laundromat and wash the tears from your clothing. I'm not afraid of a lame joke.

Turtles in the Galapagos can live to be over 100 years old. Roy Williams thinks that's "not sexy at all." I think you get my point about Roy Williams.

UNC stands for Unholy Narcissistic Cottonpickers. I'm running out of material.

Virginity was listed by Tyler Hansbrough as one of his main assets when he filled out his NBA application. He thinks sex is for dorks.

What's more annoying than hundreds of people at work asking you why you're on crutches? Nothing, but did I mention that Duke has three players better than anyone on Carolina's roster? BOOK IT.

Xylophones are Scheyer's second-favorite instrument. The first? Ed Davis' rib cage.

You know Hansbrough never lost at Cameron Indoor Stadium? MASON PLUMLEE WILL NEVER LOSE IN CHAPEL HILL. OH MY GOD I'M CALLING IT.

Zeller's secret service code name when he visited the White House last year was 'The Unfortunate Ostrich.' And that was the nice version.

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