WHERE EVIL RESIDES!
In 1649, an epidemic of witchery spread through the thirteen colonies. Its epicenter was in Salem, Massachusetts, and soon witches and warlocks from all across the young nation were making pilgrimmages to the innocent New England town. By 1653, over thirty thousand had congregated in Salem. On a blustery day in October, they met in the woods outside the town proper. A battle plan was drawn, and on Sunday, October 7th, while the rest of Salem was in church, they launched their attack.
What happened next was the first great test of the American experiment. Although the witches overran Salem in that first strike (U2 would later write the song "Bloody Sunday" about the massacre), President John Quincy Adams was quick to respond. He mobilized the Volunteer Infantry Unit (VIU) and ordered them to lay siege to Salem. Led by "Fightin' Lord" Cornwallis, the makeshift army quickly cut off supplies and began to starve out the witches. For three months, the evil covens in Salem subsisted on snow, beef provisions, and cannibalism.
Finally, their numbers depleted, the witches knew they'd have to make a break for the south. In the dead of winter, January 18, they waited for nightfall to make a desperate escape. Dressed as nuns, they marched quietly through enemy lines. By the time the sentinels of Adams' VIU became aware, roughly 1,000 had escaped to the south. The last 15,000 survivors, however, were caught and slaughtered in a glorious purification ceremony.
The 1,000 escapees undertook a long march in one of the harshest winters on record. Again, cannibalism proved their chief method of survival. By the time spring came, their numbers had dwindled to 23. The thaw finally came in April, and the survivors decided to settle in the first town where they saw grass. That town was Princeton, New Jersey.
By this time, the witches knew the government had become too powerful for total insurrection. They wisely decided to hide their wicked intentions, and started an institution of "higher learning" to propagate their ideals through education. They named this new University after the town. Classes began in 1657 and continue to this day.
The evil intentions of the school have been neatly concealed, but their influence on American destiny cannot be underestimated. Countless persons of influence have come through the doors of Princeton, including three U.S. Presidents: James Madison, Woodrow Wilson, John F. Kennedy.
Let's look at their respective legacies, shall we?
Madison: Started the War of 1812.
Wilson: Started World War I.
Kennedy: Started the Vietnam War.
Together, they're responsible for American deaths than any three people ever. Other graduates of Princeton include Joseph McCarthy, "Bloody Bill" Anderson, Pol Pot, Bill Belichick, Ann Coulter, Pontius Pilate, and Gary Williams. It's a record of violence, death, and disparagement. Princeton has nearly brought America to its knees.
Today, the tradition of evil continues. The subtle undermining of our culture can be seen in the language and content of their course catalog. A few examples:
Ethics 623: Condescension
In this course, we will instruct you how to pre-emptively win arguments with a sneer and to land an influential wife by first making her feel bad about herself.
Athletics 304: Basketball
In this class, we will teach you to use annoying trickery like the backdoor cut. By these techniques we can overcome our lack of athleticism and continue our policy of not admitting black people to the school.
Social Science 347: Weird, Stuffy Parties
In this class, we will teach you to host stifling parties where it doesn't seem like anybody is having fun, but at the end, important deals are made.
Leisure 689: Upper Class Murder (Seminar)
This is a seminar course in how to murder someone if you're upper class and plainly psychotic. We will discuss methods, clean-up, and which judges to bribe in the criminal justice process.
Princeton is not a fun place. And a victory today in Durham will only give them more influence. So we, an unaffiliated body, urge you to pull for the Devils. The alternative, we fear, could spell disaster for our proud nation.
5pm. Go Duke.