Monday, January 17, 2011

Go to Hell, Dreams

Has anyone else completely stopped being amused by dreams? Maybe there was a time in my life when dreams had the potential to be a pleasant variation on reality where good things happened and there were moments of peace and joy. Now, it's a fucking onslaught. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a good dream. And the closer you get to morning, the worse it becomes. Here are the highlights of a dream I just had in the last hour:

*I was taking a Buddhism class in some garden, and the yogi there taught us how to chant. I couldn't do it because my voice was weak, but my friends Nick and Stephanie were immediately awesome chanters and established this spiritual connection.

*Later, we got our grades for the class, and I was the only of my friends who didn't get a high honors grade. (This actually happened recently in life, so thanks for the reminder, brain!)

*Then I was suddenly at my grandparents' dinner table watching a Duke basketball game. I said something to my dad, and he told me he was disappointed in the way I've been acting. He walked away angry at me.

*Back at some kind of race track, and back with my friends. They were selling hot dogs for $2, but I had forgotten my wallet. I asked my friend Josh to borrow the money, and he looked at me with a look of complete distrust. He told me he didn't have it.

So, in summary: I'm not as good as my friends, I won't succeed at school, my parents aren't proud of me, and I have no money.

THANK YOU, BRAIN. THANKS FOR THE HELP. IT'S NOT LIKE LIFE ISN'T TOUGH ALREADY, OR ANYTHING. THANKS FOR ATTACKING ME WHEN I SLEEP. And the great thing is, I woke up and within an hour got a call from an internship I'd wanted, and did not get it.

And all this on Martin Luther King Day, which is supposed to be a celebration of joy and gift-giving.

Bad morning dreams are the worst, too, because it completely puts you in a shitty mood. It'll be noon before I'm in a positive mindset. Anyway, tough realities: some moments are complete bummers. You know how when you were a kid, and old people were always going on about how life is a struggle and full of hardships and etc. etc.? Well, it turns out the ancient bastards were right. If it was up to me, they'd all be executed for relaying the message. I'll show them "tough."

I hope I'm cheering you all up on a Monday.

Okay, on to better things. We're going to be a little sporadic, I hope that suits your mood.

1) The Jets are Badasses

I really, really wish I was a Jets fan, because they took the concept of badass and multiplied it by 30 and then put a leather jacket with spikes on it and then banged a movie star in a port-o-john.

(Yes, my idea of being cool is math, leather jackets, and sex in a public bathroom. Is that not right? I don't have much experience...)

"See you in Pittsburgh."

"Can't wait."

I honestly thought they were going to get their asses kicked. I thought it was a big sideshow, and New England would decimate them with quiet Belichickian rage. Then this happened. All their bluster, all their clamoring for respect, turned out to be legitimate. They beat the best team in football, with the best coach, on the road.

For whatever reason, Rex Ryan teams operate with a chip on their shoulder. He gets the best out of them when they're running their mouths. Trash talking is almost perpetually looked down upon by the promoters of humility, but there's a reason people keep doing it; when you cash in on the talk, it's pretty awesome. We've all been there. I could be playing a five-year-old in basketball, but if I say something like "I'm sick of this game" right before nailing the last shot, I will still feel like a conquering hero. Shit-talking is great. So kudos to the Jets. When the game ended and all the players ran on the field with their arms stretched into airplane wings, and Edwards flew across the turf in a backflip, it was pretty awesome. Maybe even...breathtaking?

I also kind of enjoyed Greene's nap time touchdown celebration. And I really enjoyed Jim Nantz getting all prim and proper and chastising the Jets, and Phil Simms nipping his pious act in the bud by saying, "well, I'll say this, if there's a time to celebrate, it's now."

This is definitely the most entertaining team in the NFL. Their hunger and their personality are a direct contrast to my team, the Giants, whose coach is a bore and whose quarterback is a wilting pansy. Also, even though I respect Belichick and Brady, it's always nice to see people from the greater Boston area disappointed (I'm secretly looking forward to hearing from commenter Craig J.) So, go Jets!

2) Girlfriend Story

This is a time in life for appreciating relationships, and she cracked me up the other day with some Duke humor. I was showing her the great Save Kyrie's Toe video, and she asked about the injury. I told her that as far as I understood, it was ligament damage. Her response was pitch-perfect:

"Which Plumlee stepped on him?"

10/10. In a logical world, that's exactly how the injury happened.

3) Duke-Virginia

My thoughts on this are pretty simple. Duke is a way better team, we were always going to win at home, and we just shit the bed shooting-wise in the first half. It happens. We had a 60-minute slump that carried over from the FSU game, but it was only a matter of time before it was over. I didn't even get that frustrated in the first half, because I knew reality had to set in at some point. Like I've said before, I'm never worried about our guards. Teams with awesome big men scare the living crap out of me, but not Virginia.

Also, apropos of nothing, perennial all-star commenter Carrie thinks the Virginia men's team is very attractive. Make of that what you will.

4) Rafa!

He's going for the Tiger Wraparound Slam, gang, and it's going to be awesome. The Australian Open started yesterday, and if Rafa comes through he'll hold all four major titles at once. It's the same thing Tiger accomplished in 2000-2001. To me, it's just as good as a traditional grand slam, where you win all four majors in a single calendar year. This is especially true for the Australian, which is like smack dab in the middle of no season at all and could just as easily belong to the summer before as the summer after.

Anyway, get ready to be annoyed with me while I gush at him in the near future. Make no mistake, though; it's going to be damn hard for him to win. There have been a couple good articles already. In this one, Federer and the other players talk about Rafa's chances. It's obvious how deeply Roger wants to stop him. And here's one where Rod Laver, who is apparently an asshole, is desperately trying to protect his legacy. He did concede that Rafa's achievement would be a "great effort," though. Thanks, Rod.

And here's Jon Wortheim, who is always a great read, with some thoughts on the men's draw.

5) Austin Rivers is Very, Very Good

Did anybody else see his high school game on ESPN? He goes to Winter Park in Florida (he's Duke's #1 recruit for next year, and the son of Celtics coach Doc Rivers), and they were facing St. Patrick's from New Jersey. The St. Patrick's team was way better, and they ran out to a huge lead. Then Rivers scored 25 of his 38 in the second half, and Winter Park almost won. He looks amazing, and I can't wait for next season.

6) The Knicks Need Carmelo

I know he's not coming this year, but he seems to really want to sign with them next year as a free agent. That's awesome, because this team could actually contend for a title with him on board. And the NBA will officially be fun again, even though the needle is moving in that direction already.

7) I'm Getting Really into Scrabble

Which is probably a really smart move in my life right now. But my girlfriend and I played some over winter break, and now I'm playing online at the Internet Scrabble Club. I'm sort of good and sort of bad. My main thing is I like to bingo (using all 7 tiles in a word), and I'll often play really stupidly in an attempt to set one up. Are there any other scrabble people who can talk me down from the scrabble heights? I'm at the point where a 7-letter word will come into my head and I'll immediately start trying to find an anagram. Like, 'hey, the Jets had their arms extended like gliders. Grisled. Girdles. Ridgles. Ridgles isn't a word. Shit. Dreglis. Could be Bulgarian.

That is all for today. Here's a song about being nice to your parents that I bet MLK would have liked:


  1. The only thing I noticed about Austin Rivers was his girlfriend's cleavage.

  2. "Which Plumlee stepped on it?!" She's a keeper.

  3. Yeah, serious LOls on that one, K. Nasty, somehow I missed that. But I just googled "Austin Rivers girlfriend" and found this:

    Not bad. The website, of course, is called "Frat House Sports."


  4. It was not apropos of nothing. I believe it was but one of a great number of excellent - and dare I say? informed - points about college basketball I was making at the time.

  5. Oh, your comment was definitely apropos of some searing basketball analysis, Carrie. I just meant it was apropos of nothing in terms of whatever else I was writing.


  6. Yeah Shane, that still is what was on the the first 10-15 seconds when I switched over to the Duke/UVA game.

  7. Hmm, sorority recruitment this past weekend meant that a ton of girls couldn't go to the UVA game, and thus we couldn't appreciate their players' attractiveness. will now have to google the roster to make up for it. thanks carrie!