Everybody: feel sorry for me. I'm the first person to ever get sick.
The real annoying part is that I think it's karma. On about Wednesday or so, my girlfriend got her pout on and asked, "why aren't you sick?" I haven't been sick in a long while, like years, and I really milked the moment. "Look," I said, using the most matter-of-fact tone possible, "I'm healthy as a horse. I eat an orange every morning, I take my Vitamin D, and I work out." She told me she hated me, and I went on with my healthy day. Even my friend Nick got very sick, and I imagined myself as carrying germs back and forth, but totally immune to them myself. Like some kind of superman, or maybe a rat that sneaks into the hold of a ship and brings the black plague to Europe.
Anyway, any higher karmic force witnessing my behavior must have been like, 'good God, what a douche. Here's a cough, a flu, and a gallon of sweating to be used over the next three days.'
HOWEVER. This Pick Six is pretty awesome, featuring a "Marry, Fuck, Kill" by our old friends Carrie and Jill (they call it "Chuck, Fuck, and Marry"), a great docket by Jim, and some quality rants by our contenders about Marc's name. Let's DO THIS!
VOLUME THREE, WEEK FOUR
The Friday Pick Six is an original SCSD! game where six people make six predictions for six weeks. Along with their picks, they're allowed and encouraged to submit a 'sound-off' on any topic, sports or otherwise. When it's all done, the winner earns great honor among the people, while the two losers are exiled in shame and the three middle finishers go to purgatory, with the chance rescue their good name up to three times. To learn more about the rules, and about the current contestants, read below:
-Volume Two champion and intros to the new class
THE HALL OF ANGELS: OLD CHAMPIONS
Let's check out the updated standings after Week Three:
1. Monty: 15
2. Marc: 14
3. Dylan & Patrick: 13
4. Swetha & Sabreena: 11
5. Nick E.: 9
6. Spike: 5
Monty held on to his lead by virtue getting three points out of the scrabble category (Spike ate my lunch and played the Q), but Marc and the D&P tandem are looming in second and third. The old schoolers are faring poorly in 4th, 5th, and 6th. Spike in particular, despite his scrabble heroics, has to start coming to terms with a third straight loss. Be gentle with him; it can't be easy.
Ole Jim is back with the docket, so let's get it going. He named this week's installment the "Moody Fucking Docket."
Hey Shane, since I forgot last week I figured I would send my docket early this week. But not because I'm sorry. I going to be busy at the UNC Miami game headbutting the brains out of some Miami Sugarholes. No not those assholes, these ones.
1. NFL Pro Bowl. I know its lame, but the reason I will be watching is this man: Marc Mariani. He is my Mother-in-Law's "favorite fan" and he hails from Havre, MT. He is a kick/punt returner for the Tennessee Titans. How many total return yards will the young lad get?
2. Tubby!!! Minnesota v Purdue ought to be great. Purdue's only Big Ten loss this year was to the Gophers. Now they're playing in Boilertown. Its gonna be a brawl.
3. Georgetown v Villanova. I think we all know who we WANT to win this game... but I don't think influenza is going to be making any big plays this early in the season.
4. Louisville v Connecticut. I love these two coaches, they are like cartoons. Rick Pitino and Jim Calhoun are always a couple of wild cards. Can Louisville slow down the Huskies?
5. NHL All Star Game. I know what you're thinking, its silly. It should be kept in Canada. But darn it, I think that in measured doses professional hockey came be somewhat interesting. My favorite part is the NHL All-Star game. Did you know that the NHL picks captains and they they select a team? Should be a great shootout!
6. NBA. Lakers and Kings. One team is too old to win, the other just plain sucks. Whats it gonna be boy?
And ladies, and gents, we have a new special feature:
Our old friends Jill and Carrie our back with a special category that will allow the players to gain extra points...but only if they can Beat the Jillarrie.
Briefly: Jill and Carrie pick the winner of three categories. If the contestant is bold, he/she/they can earn three by points by getting more correct picks. But if they fail, they lose 3 points. An ultimate temptation! Tie goes to the Jillarrie. The contestants can also choose not to face the Jillarrie, in which case they lose one point for cowardice. Take it away, gals, with your picks and rants:
Our Picks: N.C. State over UNC, Nolan Smith scores more than Kyle Singler against St. John's, and Shaun White wins GOLD at the Super Pipe Men's X-Games Final.
Charged with the task of writing some off-topic rant (which? is that even what you asked us to do? I'll admit, I never really knew), I confess, I was concerned I wouldn't be able to diverge so far from a linear path. But Jill talked me through and provided a number of topics on which we could riff. They ran the gamut - that girl can generate ideas like nobody's business- but ultimately, we came down to a good old fashioned game of Chuck, Fuck or Marry: Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Favre or Rex Ryan. The Jill portion of the Jillarrie deserves special recognition for not only writing her own response, but also giving mine the old law review treatment and bringing down a robust 1400 words to like... 470. Everyone is thankful.
Good god. The Rapist, Creepy McCreeperson, and Foot Fetish Fatty. I would rather join the Red Terror or give birth to the next useless Plumlee child than sleep with any of them and that says a lot. Right off the bat, I would chuck Big Ben, the brutal bathroom barricader, off a very high cliff. He is disgusting and quite frankly, the thought of marrying him or even entertaining his dinglehopper makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Let’s move on. While I am not proud of it, I am somewhat of a Fattist, i.e. those who are not turned on by seemingly obese whalecows. Which means that sex with Rex Ryan is just never ever going to happen. But I would totally marry him, as long as we came to an understanding that I am permitted a lover. Yes, a lover. I guess I would settle for cardio sessions with Mark Sanchez. Please just keep Antonio Cromartie and his super impregnating penis away from me. Rex is hilarious, talkative, passionate, loyal, geographically convenient, and gainfully employed. Sign me up, suck my toes, whatever, I’m cool with being Mrs. Ryan. So that leaves us with fucking Brett Favre. Literally. Sigh, I could be persuaded into it with enough vodka, but only if he removed his Crocs and agreed that he would not sext anyone else until at least the morning, when I am at Planned Parenthood being tested for STDs. I am going to go take a long, hot shower in acid now. Thanks.
You guys, I actually have a crush on Rex Ryan. It's not yet in the stratosphere as my Pete Carroll dreamboy crush, or even my inexplicable crush on Bill Belichick. But, the guy's got spirit. And, he can rock a mock turtleneck. And he is clearly just delighted every day by his job. That's basically an ideal husband right there. Plus, he would be able to hook me up with all the Jets swag I want, thereby allowing me to own my very own dream Jets cap. And I get why people are all in a tizzy about his foot thing. Like I GET that feet are inherently weird and that fetishizing them (even casually, which is all I am willing to ascribe to Rex and his "current" wife) is even weirder, but can I get real with you all? It doesn't bother me a bit. Feet don't freak me out. I even kind of like them. So yeah, for sure marry Rex Ryan. Like, not even a challenging decision. Like might do it if he were up against Tom Brady and Drew Brees too. (Whoa, get a grip, Carrie. That's nuts.) (But true.) (Not Peyton Manning though, Rex wouldn't stand a chance.)
The chuck and the fuck, however, get a little more complicated. I do actually believe that Ben Rapistberger is a rapist, otherwise I would not eagerly employ that slanderous nickname. And, rape is not okay. It just isn't. I want to be really clear that I do not think it is okay. Even a little bit. Buuuuuut, Brett Favre is a huge douchebag, y'all. You can just TELL. And his retirement antics have made me - a casual football fan at best - super exasperated. Like I get it, you were great. And you are not that bad for being real old. But, enough's enough. Know when your time is up. He should have left last year. But no, he monopolized another year's worth of sports news cycle that could have been better utilized by either Tiger Wood's goatee or LeBron James' superman complex. I genuinely would have preferred that to all the Brett Favre preening and ugh, just ick ick ick. He makes me so mad. Not in a "gosh I'm so mad at you, the only response is to have sex with you" sort of way. In a "please leave this planet, post haste" sort of way. So, I guess what I'm saying is that, prior to living in wedded foot-loving, chest-bumping cuddly bliss forever with Rex Ryan, I would... oh lord, I guess I would have consensual S-E-X with The Rapist. I don't know if that takes the power back or what, but I do know that I would vomit if I even ever got near enough to Brett Favre to make sex happen.
Scintillating. If you're not aroused right now, you're not human. We begin with Monty, the man who retains his lead:
The Jillarrie. Cause there's no reason to fear.
- UNC. They seem to be on an upswing. Plus, the Red Terror get nervous
when they're that far away from home.
- Smith. Singler's in a mid-season 'slump'
- Platinum. He's going to win gold by so much that they're going to
have to make him a new medal.
For the Pick 6.
1) How many punt return yards will Marc Mariani get in the pro bowl?
The pro bowl is a dream for offensive players, because nobody on the defense cares. Marc is going to return for 123 total yards.
2) Minnesota v. Purdue, CBB
I can't believe I'm picking Purdue to do anything except suck. But they just lost to Minnesota at Minnesota by 3. This one's at home, and I doubt they're going to lose 2 in a row.
3) Georgetown-Nova, CBB
This is the second week in a row you're making me care about the outcome of a Big East game. For that, expect a box of dead chickens to show up at your doorstep, because that's what I think of the big east. Dead chickens. Plural.
Oh, and Georgetown is going to pull of the 'upset' over schizophrenic Villanova.
4) Louisville-UConn, CBB
More Big East? That means more chickens. You're going to think you live in Arkansas.
Ok. Seriously... as wonderful as Rick Pitino's hair is, it can't beat UConn all by itself. I mean, UConn has Emeka Okafor AND Donyell Marshall.
5) NHL All-Star Game: Who wins? They pick by captains, so it's Team Staal v. Team Lidstrom
I know next to nothing about Hockey, except that the canadians and the russians seem to like it. BUT, if sportscenter has taught me anything it's that there are only two players in the league whose names I need to know - Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin. I'm not sure why, but Crosby seems to be not playing this year - so I think that means that Team Staal will run away with victory.
6) Lakers-Kings, NBA
The Kings haven't won any games since 2006 and Sacramento isn't a real town. I mean, the Lakers drive me nuts, and I think they're completely boring... but at least Los Angeles is an actual city and the Lakers actually suit up basketball players on their team. I believe he last time the Kings played, it was comprised of 12 goats and a lemur. (If you can't tell, I'm picking LA)
Well, well, well. A brand new day, a brand new pick six with a twist. A dilemma. Do I go for the pick nine or stay with the pick six? "Go big or go home." That's what I tell girls after the bar. They usually go home. But I won't be a wussy like them. I'm going big time. Here I come New York City. With my MBA from Harvard I'm ready to conquer Wall Street and fool Americans into thinking that Republicans care about the little guy.
1. Punt yards in the pro bowl. They punt in the pro bowl? I've never seen a pro bowl and I'm not even going to go to google to search for pro bowl punt yard statistics. The fact that he shares my name means that Marc Mariani is a wonderful individual. I'm guessing his full name is Marcus like mine. I wonder why my parents named me Marcus, but insisted on calling me Marc. I rebelled in my teenage years for a few weeks to return to Marcus, but to no avail. I guess it's a good thing. When I think of the name "Marcus," I think of big sexy black men. I fulfill none of those qualities, so I guess it's better I don't disappoint people. Anyways, this "Marc," fellow shall return 46 yards of punt return glory!
2. I've read a lot of headlines about Minnesota falling apart. I don't actually read the articles so I'm not too sure on what is happening there. But I think there's a lot of broken restraining orders and broken ankles. Those two usually don't go hand in hand so I'm assuming two players are out for Minnesota. Plus Purdue is at home! Can we talk about Robbie Hummel for a second? Everyone thinks he's as good or better than Kyle Singler. Everyone is an idiot. There's only one super good white basketball player in America and that's Jimmer Fredette. Fredette is a mormon, so all he does is play basketball, get subjected to electroshock therapy, and go on mission trips to convert naive tribespeople around the world. He doesn't get distracted by girls, or alcohol, or green tea. Kyle Singler could beat him up in a "who's cooler" fight. I'm guessing Singler can talk to girls without freaking out or needing to do a Christian Side hug. Robbie Hummel would be sad because his knee is as old as Helen Thomas. I'm off topic. Purdue is going to win.
3. We've got a wonderful team that starts five shooting guards against the most overrated team of the past decade. Villanova has had its share of tumultuousness. Last year all their players slept with Scottie Reynolds girlfriend and he wasn't very happy about that. Well Scottie, you should have brought her flowers and chocolates once in a while. It might have been Corey Fishers girlfriend, but he's another shooting guard so it doesn't matter. Regardless of their team chemistry Villanova will defeat the backdoor cutting asshole Hoyas (seriously do a different play for once).
4. Oh man, I know my post has talked about sexual things, and some of you may be getting uncomfortable. Possibly blushing at this point. Maybe looking behind your shoulder for your wife because you feel like you're watching pornography. I'm sorry, it's just who I am. And I can't stop now, with the most hilariously sexual person on the planet Rick Pitino. Now I won't go into detail because this is a family blog, but I'll try and use a clever euphemism to describe Pitino's sexual prowess. Imagine a stopwatch. Now press the start button, now the press the stop button immediately afterwards. Boom! Rick Pitino! That was cleverly disguised wasn't it. I think Louisville will start out strong but run out of gas prematurely and Connecticut will end up the victors!
5. More hockey. Ffffff. I blew the last hockey question because I have no idea what's happening in hockey. However, I did some pretty intense research this time. One of my professors asked for a case memo about an industrial disaster, but I wrote about Eric Staal instead. When I got the memo back he wrote "A+++ (yup, a triple plus). Thank you for enlightening about the magical Eric Staal. Good work Mr. Intrigue. Permanent A's forever." Therefore Team Eric Staal will win.
6. I hate the NBA. Because this question can legitimately exist. The Kings are terrible. TURRRRRBLE. The Lakers should be good, but they're all older than Robbie Hummel's knee. They're waiting for the inaugural season of the WNBA (no not women silly, wheelchairs). To answer this question I decided to go to my music playlist. I put it on shuffle. If the next song is a hiphop/techno/rock/classical song then I go with the Kings. If it's a hipster/indie/soul music (shitty surf music) or anything else I go with the Lakers! Oh snap dawg, shitty surf music song! Donavon Frankenreiter - What'cha know about! Lakers win! Now I have to turn off this music before I road rage in my living room.
Now onto the Jillarrie. This is tricky because when I did all the math calculations it seems that attempting the Jillarrie is a losing proposition. I'm a history major, so math is my strong suit, trust me on this. I created a little flowchart after Shane inspired me. Starting at the top I had two options: Attempt and Don't Attempt. Don't Attempt = -1. Attempt = Win, Lose, Tie (lose). 2/3 probability of losing. Going by straight odds. However, after thinking it through, and realizing I was amazingly brilliant I knew I had to attempt the Jillarrie. I'm not going to reveal my epiphany because I don't want to help my fellow competitors (you guys should not attempt the Jillarrie, you'll lose). Here goes.
A. UNC takes it. I vomited through my nose writing those words, so UNC better fucking win.
B. Smith over singler
I just want this weekend to hurry up and go so I can revel in my domination of the Pick Six come Monday. Yea I start my weekends on Wednesday nights. An alcoholic's dream and nightmare. Let's go Duke!
Now, I’m going to be real for a minute. I talk to my dad pretty much every day. I can tell when something’s up, and this was one of those times. I feel like through the Pick 6 my dad is getting a wrap for being a short-tempered jackass. So I do want to say, my dad is not a short-tempered jackass. He’s a nice guy whose competitive nature can come off a little strong.
CB: Hey dad, how’s it going?
D: Great actually! Had a good week. Weather is a bit cold but I'm dealing.
CB: (whew) Well, you ready to talk about the pick six picks?
D: THOSE GODDAMN MOTHER...
CD: Dad, calm down, what brought this on?
D: You following those other teams? What a bunch of assholes!
CD: What do you mean?
D: Well there's that Marc guy, Can’t even spell his name right, he copied our picks. COPIED THEM! EVERY one of them. You sure he hasn't hacked Shane's account and reading our emails?
CD: First of all, nice job getting Shane’s name right. I’m sure he really appreciates that from you of all people. After that scrolling duck, you owed it to him. But Dad, you don't even know Marc. Lot’s of people spell Marc that way, and while most of them are assholes, he's probably an exception. Just trying to win the contest like the rest of us...
D: Yea, well what about that Monty guy. What kind of name is Monty? Like Monty Hall the game show guy. Can't ever trust those game show guys. That’s why I hate Alex Trebeck and Pat Zajak. Can't trust them games show guys. Look at Regis, he’s all into drugs and stuff, getting kicked off The View.
CB: Wait, what? Regis wasn’t on The View, The View is that show with the 4 women, Regis had his own show, live with Regis and Kathy Lee or something like that. And besides, I’m 90% sure it was a contract issue, where did you hear he’s into drugs?
D: I just assumed, you’d have to be high to hang out with those women on The View all the time, have you seen that show!?
CB: Are you still working? Did you quit your job or something? Why are you watching The View?
D: Anyway, whats the deal with that Spike Lee guy. Can't pick his way out of a paper bag but creams our good friend Shane in Scrabble. What kind of guy is an "expert" in scrabble? I'll tell you what kind.
CB: No dad! No more trash talking. Lets just look at the games for this week and do the best we can, OK?
D: OK, but I want to encrypt our email to Shane so that rat bastard..
CB: Enough dad, enough. Lets do our picking...
So after looking over the Jillarrie, we realized that that great sucking sound was not jobs going to China but Pick 6 Teams being sucked into a sucker bet. They take the underdog in one game and hope or expect you to take a chance on the underdog bet 2 times with a triple penalty for playing it. Sorry we'll pass and just give up the 1-point. Now as for the regular docket, this is what we get:
1) No one watches the Pro Bowl to see the punters, as a matter of fact, no one watches the Pro Bowl in general. Teams rarely try to punt anyway, preferring to run up and down the field as the defenses are hamstrung and the offense looks to do its dance. We figure he gets three shots at a punt return and makes 33 yards, no TDs here Marc...
2) Purdue is home, is undefeated at home and is higher ranked. Purdue wins...
3) Nova is home, is undefeated at home, is higher ranked. Nova wins...
4) UConn is home, is unbeaten at home, is higher ranked. UConn wins...
5) All All Star games are crap shoots. We know, we know, the chicks dig the TD's, goals, home runs and slamma jamma's but could care less for well pitched games or team defense or cross checks. What does MLB say about their All Star Game. This year, for sure, seriously, its gonna count for something. In hockey they don't even bother giving the team a regional identity any more. No north vs. south, no east vs. west, no canada vs the world, no midgets vs. dwarfs, none of that. So in the spirit of just how important this game really is, we are going with Team Staal because that has 2 "a"s in it and you cant spell gooaaaaaal without a couple extra "a"s. The only city that cares about this game is Las Vegas...
6) Finally in some knock down drag out, NBA action, the Lakers make a mess of the Kings. Kobe score like 150 points by himself and in an act of selflessness allows that tall white guy to score 2 points, but only because Kobe had the assist.
Beat the jillarrie - unc, smith, gold
Btw, we miss Jill's awesome ex-boyfriend stories and Carrie's fearless battle with the temptress.
1. Not entirely sure what this stat means or even what order of magnitude I'm going for, but let's say ten?
3. We hate Georgetown. Jay wright wears really nice suits. Nova.
4. Going with our boy, Simba walker. Uconn.
5. Team Staal. Only because I had a John Nash moment and saw the word moist in lidstrom and thought of how I met your mother.
6. Lakers. Being from LA, it'd be sacrilege to pick the queens.
1. I've always wondered how the pro bowl selection works for special teams non-skill positions. Is there someone out there that brags about being the starting B-gap position on the pro bowl kickoff team? I know I would. Anyway, 40 YARDS
2. I was really hoping Purdue would knock off Ohio State, but instead they got absolutely rolled. Oh well, it's probably better when Duke isn't ranked #1 for little bit. MINNESOTA
3. Between Corey Fisher and Maalik Wayns, 'Nova's backcourt is absolutely deadly. VILLANOVA
4. Obviously Kemba Walker is having a breakout season. The interesting thing though is that it seems his production (24.4 ppg) is largely just a product of having more shot opportunities. His points per shot has been relatively stable over his three years -1.37 as a freshman, 1.32 as a sophomore and 1.34 this season. Although it should be noted that it's tougher to maintain a good PPS when you take more opportunities, because you're forced to take some of the tougher shots. I like UCONN at home.
5. This is absolute crap shoot. Lets go with whichever STAAL is the captain.
6. Is this a joke? LAKERS
And finally, it's tough not to take on the JILLARRIE when they make it so easy. I consulted my Payoff Matrix and have determined that the optimal strategy is to isolate one weak pick and pick the same in the others, as a tie results in a loss. Lets go with UNC, SMITH, and GOLD. Damn you, Jillarrie, for forcing my hand on the Heels.
UNC, Smith, Gold
I'm back briefly tomorrow morning with some thoughts on Duke-St. John's and the latest Hot Potato.