Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Moody Blues

Alright, listen up. It's 7:30am and I'm sick of folks not being the baddest cat on the planet. I don't know about y'all, but I woke up in the middle of the night, walked to the sink, looked in the mirror, and saw a Moody Blue.


Oh Goodness, Sir, What is a Moody Blue?

If you're a historian, you would say that the Moody Blues are an ultra-extreme sect of the Duke University basketball fanbase, an immoderate extension of the Cameron Crazies. The name was conceived by a Moody Blue named Jim right before he went to a Wal-Mart, stole a leather jacket, and kicked 8 grown men's asses before strolling out the door like he was any old dude. The name is semi-derived from a band that used to have songs.

If you're a citizen, you might get a worried look on your face and be like, "um, what are you guys so angry about?" And we'd be like, "what ain't we angry about!" Five minutes later, your door would be kicked in and we'd be throwing the meanest party every right in your living room. We would strongly suggest that you order up some nachos from wherever does that around here.

If you're a Cameron Crazie, you might be like, "aren't you guys taking this a little serious? I mean, I love Duke, but it's just basketball." Moody Blues consider this a teaching moment. We staple the lapels of your jacket to a wall so you're hanging about a foot off the ground, and the lecture begins. Moody Blues are about basketball, but then again, we're not. Some of us aren't even Duke fans. We're American hooligans. It's a lifestyle that most folks only hear about in cafes. It's the feeling you get when a dude or a system tries to step on your toes in the course of you just deciding to wake up.

After the lecture, we remove the Cameron Crazie from the wall. If he or she sulks away, we know they didn't learn a thing. If they get angry and sputter and etc., we hear them out and send them on their way. But if they calmly hay-make our face with a dirty roundhouse on the principle that being stapled to a wall ain't on the short list of things a human should abide...

THEN WE KNOW WE HAVE OURSELVES THE LATEST MOODY BLUE.

We pay our taxes, we vote, and we wreck the shit out of clowns who earned it by leaping from trees.

I don't usually post about when this blog gets linked on forums. For one, the feedback is almost always positive, and that's weird on the internet. It's like finding an archeologist who doesn't get a boner from dinosaurs- know what I'm saying? I think you do. But yesterday, some folks at "StateFanNationsForum," which is a site for people who have been tree-wrecked by a Moody Blue and want to whine about it, went and linked to an SCSD! post about Duke taking over N.C. State's gym. You can read their words here.

These are the folks who wear shirts saying "Red Terrors," like they got to tell the world just how rough they are. The last time I saw a Red Terror, I shot him a look so severe that now he can't be around a basketball court or he gets tremors. Even seeing a net of any kind sets him off. He used to love movies about fishing. Not anymore.

PackMan2012, one of the participants in the forum, took issue with a part in the blog post where I talked about headbutting an N.C. State fan because she made a light-hearted comment about my Duke hat. Suffer his words:

I'd be embarrassed as a Duke fan if I saw this:

"Don't get me wrong, I still headbutted her. She made her choice."

Wait I didn't think he was being serious at first, what a jackass either way. Everyone deserves the right of freedom of speech, but some people shouldn't use it. I also get the feeling this guy has no connection to the school whatsoever.

I have some rebuttals.

A. Class of 2005, compadre. Not that it matters. Being a Moody Blue doesn't depend on what education corporation gave you the slip of paper.

B. OH HELL IF I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS. WHEN YOU'RE A MOODY BLUE YOU DEFEND YOUR TURF WHETHER YOU'RE ON IT OR NOT. SHE GAVE ME A LOOK. SHE IMPLIED SOMETHING ABOUT DUKE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT. I'M NOT A MIND READER. BUT I DON'T NEED A STAMPED CERTIFICATE FROM ZSA ZSA GABOR TO TELL YOU IT WASN'T GOOD. SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE CERTIFICATES. CALL HER AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, IT WON'T HAPPEN.

AM I PROUD OF HEADBUTTING A LADY? HELL, I DON'T KNOW. HER KIDS TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY. SHE WAS PRETTY OLD, THAT'S FOR SURE. I ADMIT THERE WAS A MOMENT WHERE I WONDERED IF I SHOULD HAVE HEAD-BUTTED AN OLD LADY FOR MAKING A HARMLESS JOKE. BUT WHEN YOU'RE A MOODY BLUE, YOU LET THOSE MOMENTS PASS AND GO ON BEING RUDE.

C. What standard are you using when you call me a jackass? Are you judging me as a Cameron Crazie? Look, the Crazies are okay. They're okay people. They've got their heart in the right place, and they try their best. But for God's sake don't compare me to the Cameron Crazies. Some of them are Moody Blues. Some of them roll with both fists flying. But some are just trying to have fun and watch basketball, which isn't what we're about.

TEN FACTS ABOUT THE MOODY BLUES:

1. We wear whatever damn color we please.

2. When Christian Laettner made his shot against Kentucky, we turned to our parents with a stoic expression and said "goddamn right." We were all about 9.

3. I'm not about to sit here and read you our roster, but I will say that there are fewer than 100 of us in the world. When we see each other, we have a secret handshake that doesn't even use hands.

4. About half of our members are in prison.

5. There hasn't been an ACC game in 16 years where a Moody Blue didn't represent live and in person.

6. Our all-time record in fights against other fans is 187-0-1. The draw came when a Moody Blue fought an entire kennel of Indiana bulldogs before the national title game last year. By the time it was over, the bulldogs had accepted the Moody Blue into their pack, and he's still there today.

7. At any point in the day, there is a Moody Blue within 60 feet of Coach K.

8. The official Moody Blues song is the transition between "Golden Slumbers" and "Carry That Weight," starting at the 1:25 mark in this video:


Instant. Fucking. Mayhem.

9. There is one Moody Blue congressperson. That's all I'm going to say about that. You already know too much.

10. We care about the environment, and will bring holy hell down upon any man who gets fresh with mother nature.

BONUS: Part of our initiation is we tell the new person we invented the steering wheel. If they call us liars, they don't respect the group. If they claim to believe us, we know they're cowards. The correct answer is: "Hell if I care, the steering wheel's just a thing that gets me to a game."

Here's a list of our rivals:

The Red Terrors (N.C. State): They wear t-shirts and ask their mothers for permission to make basic phone calls.

The Powders (Carolina): They get uncomfortable if they can't look around and see something with a madras pattern.

The Haunted Forest (Wake): Always getting mixed up with the KKK because they wear white ghost sheets.

The Irish Golds (B.C.): Wet the bed 2 of every 3 nights.

The Ramblers (Tech): Irrationally afraid of bullfrogs.

The Wicked Chiefs (FSU): Houses made of a straw-like material called 'bayou grass.'

The Sugar Canes (Miami): This is actually an all-female a cappella group. The Moody Blues got a bit confused and fought them once. It wasn't our finest hour, but we finished the job.

The Pride (Clemson): Still haven't admitted a Jewish member.

Turtle Time! (Maryland): A cappella, again, this time all-guys. The Sugar Canes regularly beat their asses.

Dear Old Thaddeus (UVA): You lure them in with mint juleps and beat them with their own pastel belts.

The Tractor Army (V. Tech): This is the only group we won't fight on their turf. Shit gets weird in the mountains.

And now you know the world of the Moody Blues.

LISTEN UP:

I made a facebook group this morning. Here's the link. If you think you're a Moody Blue and you want to be involved in a legitimate social movement, and you also don't mind getting your kicks the hard way, e-mail me about joining up. Or don't. Hell if I care.

***************

Some things of note:

-Rafa is playing in the quarters at like 3am tonight in Australia. We're about one round away from me actually getting up to watch.

-Notre Dame beat Pittsburgh by playing 1930s ball on the road. This article from the AP, which seems to be the only source everyone uses, does a good job of not explaining what the hell a "burn" is, but by the score I can only assume they burned the shot clock on every possession. Interesting. I would love to see the Irish try that garbage against us.

-Purdue-Ohio State tonight at 9. Maybe the last best chance for the Buckeyes to lose before the Big 10 tourney.'

See you all tomorrow.

11 comments:

  1. Anyone sending that email better do it as a Moody Blue.

    Sample (yours will not be as good):
    "The fact I took the time to send this email makes me feel like I need to brush my teeth. I'm a Moody Blue, asshat, you should be coming to me.

    Send details anyway. Or don't."

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  2. What a joke about those comments had they even read the 1st post of the blog they would know that you made the blog the day curry switched. You had know way of knowing how he would fair this season as a player. How did all this make you feel?

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  3. It made me want to kick those guys assholes through their thick heads, call their moms fatties, and eat a double bacon cheesburger. Without consequences!

    Dr. Moody-fucking-Blue

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  4. "Wait I didn't think he was being serious at first, what a jackass either way. Everyone deserves the right of freedom of speech, but some people shouldn't use it. I also get the feeling this guy has no connection to the school whatsoever."
    – PackMan2012, January 2011

    First of all, it should be noted that we are dealing with Communists here. According to science, also known as Wikipedia, the Red Terror was created for the "extermination of entire social groups or former ruling classes," whereby "priests, monks and nuns were crucified, thrown into cauldrons of boiling tar, scalped, strangled, given Communion with melted lead and drowned in holes in the ice." Thus, it logically follows that this is an appropriate name for their fan club (of evil). These terrorists, who have hidden in shame for the past century in the genius colony of North Carolina, murdered over 6,000 individuals in October 1920 alone. I have held a grudge since that time. Unfortunately, we cannot have them deported. The Immigration and Nationality Act was amended in 1990 and ludicrously removed communism as a grounds for deportation. A huge WTF, I know, but we will have to take matters into our own hands/foreheads.

    As my masseuse and pen pal, Julius Martov, once wrote about the Red Terror in 1918: “The beast has licked hot human blood. The man-killing machine is brought into motion . . . But blood breeds blood . . . We witness the growth of the bitterness of the civil war, the growing bestiality of men engaged in it.” Jules, who had intimate knowledge of the kinky sex habits of the Communists, accordingly warned against these bitter freaks. All signs now point to a renewed civil war, centered upon the terrorists' jealousy of our national championship and overall awesomeness. Please be advised that, as Moody Blues, we ARE serious. We are jackasses (either way). We own Duke University. And we opt to use the hell out of our freedom of speech. Red Terrorists, you are hereby forewarned.

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  5. ok Jill, all I heard was:

    "According to science, also known as Wikipedia, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, intimate knowledge of the kinky sex habits of the Communists, blah, blah, blah." I realize this says something about me, but I bet I'm not alone here.

    Is your masseuse the same one who works with Roy? Is someone trying to infiltrate "the Moody Blue" (note clever British approach to plural here)? Communists, likely. Jeez, the Red Terrors are probably reading this stuff RIGHT THIS MINUTE! And, as a State grad... I don't even know whose side I'm not on.

    God, I hope Duke plays a basketball sometime really, really soon!

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  6. Great post, Jill. I am feeling so fucking moody. I need a Julius Martov massage so bad right now.

    And a quick note to Dr. Blue before I put my head through a brick wall: IN THE MOODY BLUES, THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. WELCOME TO HEAVEN AND HELL.

    -Shane

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  7. why you deleting comments?

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  8. Impressive. Once the Fellowship of the Moody Blues gains some steam, I look forward to watching seemingly random Duke fans get tossed from ACC games for headbutting opposing fans and mascots. I'll also pay close attention to the inevitable trademark infringement lawsuit filed when your facebook group has more fans than the "other" Moody Blues, those elderly prog-rockers from across the pond.

    Its good to see that freedom of speech is still allowed in North Carolina. Up here in Massachusetts, I'm pretty sure that no school would be allowed to use a slogan like "Red Terror" because it would be insensitive to Communists, persons of Russian descent, persons who like the color red or any shade thereof, and terrorists.

    And Jill, if I learned one thing in college and law school, its that the only good commie is a dead commie. I dont even trust your Menshevik masseuse (unless he is proficient in Swedish deep-tissue massage, in that case he gets a pass).

    -Craig J.

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  9. For anyone curious, the Mike Honcho comments are from my younger brothers. And they are FAR the hell away from being Moody Blues. The lesson: the Moody Blues are our own damn family. You earn your way. Nepotism has no place.

    -Shane

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  10. One of the terrorists, whose alias is "Lush," had this to say about our fearless, headbutting leader and his alleged lack of bluedevilness:

    "'I also get the feeling this guy has no connection to the school whatsoever.'

    Ding ding ding!!! We have a winner. The majority of their fanbase (and unc's) have zero affiliation with the university.

    They're called walmart fans for a reason."

    OH HELL, NO ONE CALLS US WALMART FANS. We are the Saks of the Triangle and, at worst, the Super Target.

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