Thursday, April 7, 2011

Kyrie, Bro, We'll Never Forgive You

Kyrie Irving went pro.

*

Let me tell you a story, guys. This is a story about business, and about ideals, but it's mostly a story about loyalty.

Back when I was young, around 7, my dad was a CFO (that's Chief Financial Officer, in case you live under a fucking rock) for a manufacturing firm in upstate New York. I'm not going to tell you the company name, because it's none of your business, but believe me when I tell you we could have bought and sold you and your family, and whatever pets you owned, okay?

This was serious stuff. While your mom was worrying over some ungrown tomoatoes in the 5x5 strip of garden next to whatever highway you lived by, mine was trying to figure out whose palm to grease so we could cut down the pine trees in the backyard and put in a pool. It was that kind of life. I had kids coming over begging to use our ping-pong table downstairs, or the indoor gym, or the shuffleboard court. I'd tell them to take a hike 9 times out of 10. The place was full of townies.

Anyway, a group of liberal do-gooders in the local government started bleating about run-off from the main plant where my dad worked. Some of the industrial waste was coming out in culverts near a creek, and all the sudden this was a "bad" thing. Hilariously, my dad had made the choice to dispose of the stuff that way a few years before. It was one of like three options, and that was the cheapest. Since my dad knew business, he looked at the bottom line and went for the culverts instead of something more involved. The man knows his stuff, and some people still say he's responsible for some of the largest annual profits the company's ever made. He basically cut the waste disposal bill in half, and that was the company's largest expense.

Then a couple townies started claiming to be sick around the culverts. Whatever. It was basically a couple dozen isolated incidents, but of course the liberals started raising a stink. Mind you, they NEVER proved that the waste from the factory was toxic. Ever. But facts don't seem to matter when you can parade a couple sick kids around and start a class action lawsuit.

Long story short, the CEO sat my dad down and told him he had to take a hit for the team. The business had to continue, and they might lose some money with the class action, but more than anything they needed a scapegoat to prove the plan was unilateral, and not company-wide.

My dad could have tried to save his own skin. He could have pointed fingers, and acted remorseful, and cried and begged forgiveness. But he didn't. He stood up proud, as a businessman, and took the hit. He never even blinked an eye. You know why? Because he came up with that company, made his fortune with them, and he was loyal. He respected the institution.

The sons of bitches on the jury gave him 5 years in prison. They even had the gall to lecture him when they read the verdict. Believe me, I haven't forgotten their family names. But the company was saved. Today, that place mints money, and that wouldn't be true if my dad hadn't stepped up in their time of need. When he got out of prison after 3 years on good behavior (and what a prison! Believe me when I tell you it was nicer than most of your homes; white collar all the way), the parachute he got from the company was so golden it would make your fucking eyes bleed.

He couldn't work for them again, but he got paid. Loyalty begets loyalty. He knew something about being on a team. Last year, the company honored him in a small, private ceremony that the governor attended, and he still gets inside investment tips from the higher-ups before the rest of the market knows what's about to happen. He's seen as a hero, and that's how I see him too.

*

Kyrie Irving, you are nothing like my father. You know why? You don't know your place.

And before anyone goes and makes this whole thing racial, you can shut your fat liberal mouths. It's not about race. I'd say the same thing about any player, white or black. In fact, I have a lot of black friends. The color of a person's skin doesn't matter to me, as long as they come from the same type of background. Maybe that sounds tough, but I honestly can't relate to people who grew up poor. We're just not the same. Call me what you want, but I don't want anything to do with them until they improve themselves. This is America, guys, it's not that hard.

Back to Kyrie. He's an athlete. People can say what they want, but the truth is that athletes exist for our entertainment. That is their single and only purpose. Without my money, and the lesser money of other fans, the athletic structure wouldn't exist. Nobody would play sports professionally if they couldn't make a living, and if nobody played professional sports, the college sports scene wouldn't be nearly as strong.

That's part of the deal. We pay money, and for our trouble we get entertained by these people who can run a little faster and jump a little higher and shoot a little better than the rest of us. Pretty simple equation, right?

Apparently not. Because in a system like that, there's some expectations. You give your money, and you expect that an athlete will respect the system. Like, gee, maybe Kyrie will stay and win a championship at Duke instead of money-grubbing the first chance he gets. As someone who has a good amount of cash on hand, let me tell you that there's nothing more ugly to the higher class than someone desperately trying to get rich. It's sad and pathetic.

You owed us, Kyrie. I do not blush when I say that. YOU. OWED. US. You were going to make your NBA money, and then you could blow it however you wanted. That was all in the cards.

But you broke the deal, dude. And that's cool. Sure, maybe you'll get a little cash. But you'll also get this: me and all my friends heckling the shit out of you any time you play within a hundred mile radius in the NBA. We're going to make your life hell, man. You just fucked with the wrong hallowed university. We're Dukies, brah. We've got loud voices and we don't know shame. If you think we'll take this lying down, you got another thing coming.

And for everyone saying "BOO HOO, HE COULDA GOT INJURED IF HE STAYED!

Fuck that. That's the risk you take. We put him at Duke. We took him and gave him a free education. We paid his medical bills, for God's sake. And you're telling me he didn't owe us four years? Those were the terms of the deal.

But it's just like an athlete to break the deal, isn't it? They don't understand how things work, and they probably never will. I wish we'd just sent him home and let him heal his own toe.

*

I want to talk a little about Duke, too, because that's what this is really about.

It's the best school in the universe, and I'll pay someone to fight anyone who says otherwise. People want to piss and moan about the fact that it's selective, but guess what? That keeps the rabble out. It really does.

People get pissed because we party harder and longer, and study harder and longer, than anyone else in America. People get pissed because we bring it consistently, 24/7, and we never get tired. Everyone is hotter at Duke. Everyone is richer. Everyone is, to put it plainly, better. Don't get mad at the truth, dudes. Truth ain't gonna change.

I still remember everything about my four years there. I'm set up nicely now, but I still say those were the best years of my life. The memories are always with me. Now that it's spring, I remember sitting on the quad bench with my frat brothers. We'd just watch the people go by and maybe shout a comment or two. Sometimes we'd get bored. Then we had this game where when we saw a nerd go by, we'd call him over to the bench. "Check out the size of this spider, man!" we'd say. The nerd would come over, and bend down to look, but he wouldn't see a spider. "Weird," we'd say. "He must have laid an egg." Then one of us would come racing over and smash an egg on the back of the kid's head.

God, it still makes me laugh. The way the yolk would run down their heads, it seriously doesn't get better than that. We even got one kid to drop out of school because it screwed him up so much (foreigner, go figure). Hilarious. We called the game 'Spidey-Sense.'

And the parties. Oh man, the parties. Alcohol and throwing objects and hooking up with girls. Especially the latter. Believe me, when you have money you can get girls that wouldn't look at you twice if you were poor. The right clothes and attitude are all it takes to have the gold-digger crew hanging all over you. And at Duke, bro, they were all gold diggers. But most of them had the good grace to leave in the morning, and if they didn't, a little public humiliation was usually enough to send them on their way.

We weren't above having a "booty bulletin board" hanging in the hallway with headshots of every needy chick who spent the night. The school tried to get us to take it down, but one call from my dad to the dean ended that nonsense. Eventually it became a point of pride. Girls would do anything to get on that bulletin board. We practically had to have interviews. Finally we took a vote and decided on a second bulletin board. The day we announced it, you wouldn't believe the girls who "just stopped by on their way to class" looking for a chance to make the big leagues.

And then there were the classes. I still get a chill every time I think about walking past that dark Duke stone, those gorgeous neo-gothic buildings where the smartest people in the universe go to teach and learn. The conversations we had inside those walls would blow your mind. If you could understand them, that is, which you probably couldn't. No offense, but it was some high-level stuff. We'd talk philosophy, and human psychology, and the meaning of life. And that was just in a beginner's tennis class.

I hope you're starting to get the point; Duke is unlike any other place on Earth. Because it has the most money and the best facilities, it gets the best faculty, and because of that it gets the best students. I would honestly support a fellow Dukie over my best friend if it came down to a life or death situation. That's just the way it is for us. That scenario wouldn't actually happen to me since my best friends are all Dukies, but you see what I mean. We support each other in business, and love, and everything else. I personally get pissed when one of my friends marries outside the Duke family. I understand having one as a mistress or something, but come on bro, keep it real in the public eye, you know?

*

This is the gift we gave Kyrie. The gift of Duke. The place my dad went, where I went, and where all my kids are going to go, no matter how smart or dumb they are. Kyrie wouldn't have been here without basketball. He rolled the dice in life and got extremely lucky. And did he ever say thank you, or put his head down and work on making us proud of him? Did he ever even try for our approval? No. He hurt his toe, cost us a championship, and left.

This is what happens when you extend a hand to someone below you. You just get bit.

My dad was a hero. Kyrie is nothing but an ungrateful punk. In the end, he was never meant for Duke. I just wish we'd known it sooner.

109 comments:

  1. As a Duke alumnus as well, this post is truly embarrassing to me. I agree with you most of the time and enjoy your normally reasonable and rational insight throughout the Duke season. I honestly have no idea where this came from and am shocked you wrote it. In fact, I'm trying to convince myself that this was all sarcasm.

    The fact is, what Kyrie did this year says more about his character in a positive way than anything else. 99.9% of 18 year old kids in his situation would have cried, complained, moped, and maybe even dropped out of school and waited for the draft. Not Kyrie. I've never seen someone root on his teammates so damn hard and demonstrate his true affection for Duke, Coach K, the fans, and especially his teammates.

    He owed us nothing. Nothing at all. And for you to say he cost a championship is completely and utterly absurd. He was the only one who showed up for the Arizona game.

    The kid continued to be a Duke student, attending classes and demonstrating respect for the process. The fact is, this was his decision (and likely his father's too) and the one that was best for him. He is going to be the #1 pick in the NBA draft. His career path is to be an NBA player. Why does he need to go back to college for that? And if he wants his degree, he has all the time in the world to go back to Duke and get it.

    Like I said, I hope this was a joke but really saw no indication of that so I'm sorry but this is just embarrassing and so so so off base.

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  2. I don't believe that this is Seth.

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  3. Now *this* is quality satire. Bravo. Would have been hilarious to see how many outlets took it seriously if it appeared in the Chronicle. Actually, I hope a bunch of people take it seriously today.

    This is what Chris Cusack should have written.

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  4. This blog post is littered with the rantings of a rich kid who finally didn't get what he wanted. You speak as if Kyrie owed something to us. No he didn't. Even Coach K knew that Duke was just a stepping stone for Kyrie to head on to the NBA. YOU are the bad side of Duke. I come from an equally wealthy family who has deep roots into Lab Corp and and you are the epitome of all the stereotypes of rich Duke kids who think they should get whatever they want. You look at Kyrie's decision at how it badly effects you and you are too selfish to even think that maybe going to the NBA is what's best for him. Though Kyrie does come from a well-off family he does not indulge in the wealth you apparently have. I'm a big Duke fan and I have family going to the school as well also in the future I have the choice to go to Duke because they gave me a free ride, so don't think I'm some Duke hater. Kyrie is his own man and he made the right decision to not be "entertainment" for all of you elitist punks at Duke.

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  5. hahaha, excellent post!

    -Duke Alumni 2008

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  6. Five comments in, and we've already got two long outraged ones. It's working....

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  7. im glad you dont think its Seth, you know since it says that up there at the top

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  8. You are a disgrace to the Duke name. No one cares about what your Father did. This isn't about your Father, it's about Kyrie. Making useless comparisons about what your Dad stood for isn't going to gain you any votes. If you were a smart human being you would do your research and realize that Coach K pushes his players to leave early (source: Jay Bilas).

    I'm a Duke fan, but are you still bitter that we lost to Arizona? If we had won the National Championship you would be slobbering all over Kyrie's knob, thanking him for taking a risk and coming back. I'm glad Bomani put you on blast you twerp.

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  9. Was very confused by this when I first saw the link on twitter. But now that I read your previous post...I must say well done.

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  10. This is my first time reading anything that you post, and I do not personally know you, but I surely hope this a satirical post. If not, this is utterly ridiculous.

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  11. If Duke was so great and he doesnt need the money, why not come back? Other high-profile players are coming back to try for a championship..like he promised us in that Jay Williams interview. THATS being dedicated to your team and coaches. You left behind nothing except 12 games, a #1 jersey and all your teammates. Thanks, Kyrie for......a few games? I hope you're ready for 80 games and an actual job.

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  12. Your dad is a polluter? I bet he is responsible for global warming too! LOL. Judging by a few of the comments above some people don't get satire.

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  13. Wow! Great way to get some attention for what I believe is your way of proving a point. Extremely funny post considering I feel like I've heard you rant about elitest rich people. Not too sure what your trying to accomplish here. I think I have an idea though. But, I can't wait to read the follow up post.

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  14. I understand this is satire, but I don't see the parallel. If I understand correctly, you're comparing Duke basketball to a destructive corporate conglomerate?

    I never understood Shakespeare either...

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  15. I can't believe people think this is real! As Annette said, looking forward to the follow up and would love to read your actual thoughts on Kyrie leaving.

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  16. To the writer and "Max"...
    I guess your right it is "working".
    You are truly the Duke alumni that are shameful. I am rich as shit and my whole fucking family went to Duke and I would love nothing more to watch Kyrie beat the shit out of you after he makes millions and dominates in the NBA. Fact of the matter is...he is BETTER than Duke. He exceeds every college player, college basketball is not a challenge for Kyrie. Although your heartless attitude will get you no where in life, continue to live it - just leave the 19 year old superstar out of it. At the end of the day he is a KID. He lost a parent at an early age and he has lived a humble and worthy life so far. So stop ranting about your life - no one gives a shit, you know who they give a shit about? Kyrie Fucking Iriving....and any real Duke fan/alumni/student is still a Kyrie fan.

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  17. FAKE OUTRAGE!!!!

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  18. Great stuff as usual Shane. I love Bryan's comment too, although I'm not sure about this, "I agree with you most of the time and enjoy your normally reasonable and rational insight throughout the Duke season."

    Reasonable and rational insight... hmmmm.

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  19. Wow boys and girls. Wow. It's. A. Joke.
    Bravo Shane. Bravo.

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  20. Well played, sir. Well played.

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  21. lol what i think shane is trying to accomplish is seeing how many people will read this with "duke hate" goggles and be outraged even though it is so obviously satire (in the perspective of a duke douchebag)

    apparently it backfired however, as some duke alumni didn't get the joke.

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  22. Thank you for proving your own point, shane.

    It's true that people will be offended by anything.

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  23. Hahaha...I see what you did here. Well played.

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  24. U sound dumb worry bout urself cock sucka fuck ur dad n his daddy.... #Pussy 305 miami in dis bitch...

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  25. well, now there's an intelligent response.

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  26. Someone needs to post the definition of "satire" and "sarcasm," and then hit all these idiots with a hardbound Webster's Unabridged.

    Jebus gay, people.

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  27. WOW!!!!!REALLY!!!!!!

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  28. Oh, waiter, can I have a bowl of satire with a side of sarcasm? And to drink, I'd like a glass of whine (sic) to take the edge off.

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  29. This is beautiful. If Chris Cusack had written something half this clever, there wouldn't have been a problem in the world. You should teach a fucking class, man.

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  30. You and several other Duke fans/alumni/whatever are selfish pricks. Get over yourself. Do you no longer want Austin Rivers to come to Duke or Shabazz Muhammad? They will only be in school for one year. You're a fool living through your daddy.

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  31. Shane, I am really upset. This just crossed the line. I really believed in you and this community, but I can't...Man, it's hard to keep that shit up. Well done.

    The internets tell me "Satire is the exposure of the vices or follies of an indiviudal, a group, an institution, an idea, a society, etc., usually with a view to correcting it. Satirists frequently use irony." Sadly, so few people get this post has nothing to do with Kyrie.

    I am continually impressed by your ability to put it all out there, despite the usual array of hand-wringers and PC police. New blog name: "Shane saves writing". Never been prouder, except maybe when you had the picture of Coach K with the boner.

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  32. Haha Shane your ability with posts like these is the embodiment of why I make sure to check in on SCSD every single day. I may be the "enemy", but every time I think I want to write a blog, I just realize the way I'd envision myself writing has already been done...here (naturally substituting UNC for Duke). Best of all you have enough self-confidence to not only write this, but post for the world to see. I love the attitude. Forget all the moral outrage that will come along in these comments and elsewhere-this post was great, though not as great as yesterday was (Henson and Zeller! Yes!)

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  33. Bravo Shane, bravo. It's about time someone decided to man up and expose the truth. I loved playing 'Spidey-Sense' on the quad. Those idiot nerds would whine and cry and look for a teacher to tattle to. I would say "it's college bro," and tear their tighty whities to shreds with my atomic wedgie.

    I don't understand why Kyrie Irving wants to leave our bastion of conservatism. There is still so much to learn at Duke. For instance, "ECN 322 - How to crush the hopes and dreams of the lower and middle classes," and "COMM 483 - Poverty doesn't exist and other lies by the liberal media." He needs to learn how to put his millions to best use by supporting the Koch brothers and Scott Walker.

    Don't worry about the critics Shane, you have the support of the richest and whitest people in the country. We're behind you every step of the way.

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  34. Already see some comments trying to out troll a troll. This could get interesting

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  35. This is why everybody hates Duke. This is just completely ignorant. EVERYBODY knew Kyrie was gonna be a one and done. I agree, he's not ready for the NBA yet, but he's gonna be the #1 pick in the draft. His stock can't get any higher. Would you turn down the chance to be the #1 pick in the NBA draft? NOBODY in their right mind would. Every basketball player's dream is to get up in NYC in June and have their name read as the #1 overall pick. He has a chance to do that, and I can't blame him for following it. As a TRUE Duke fan, I'm disappointed he left, but completely understand his decision. Good luck to Kyrie the rest of the way and can't wait to see him ball in the NBA.

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  36. The problem is that this will get circulated and used to reinforce the false Duke stereotype. I, for one, wish it was never written.

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  37. I, for one, am outraged.
    Outraged that self-indentified Duke Alumni commenters can't pick up on the satirical tone of the post. Maybe it's because I read SCSD consistently and therefore have a basis of comparison, but the sarcasm is so thick here that I find it hard to believe that anyone reading can't see that.

    That being said, perhaps I'm the foolish one, and I'm not picking up on a meta-joke: that these commenters are only playing the part of outrage so as to continue the satire. If that is the case, well done.

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  38. My thought process:

    1. Did someone hack Seth's account?
    2. Wait...is he just a huge prick? He seemed like a pretty cool, laidback dude in all of his other posts...
    3. Satire! It's satire! THIS IS BRILLIANT!

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  39. What an arrogant POS you must be. Congratulations on fitting the stereotypical silver spoon college kid who attends a private school and is, for some reason, under the impression that they are owed anything from a college basketball player. Along with that pathetic letter from Chris that the Duke Chronicle published, you two need to find one another and fall in love. You're a match made in heaven.

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  40. I love it how online wanna be writers try and shake this off as satire when they know it will not be perceived that way. Humor - fail.

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  41. Thank you very much, for reminding me of the reason why I left Duke. Peolple (sic) like you cannot and willnot (sic) ever understand my situation. I'm sure daddy worked very hard to send your rich self to college. While real people struggle. I would also like to extend an invitation for you not to waste your or my time ever agin. (sic) Never being considered a part of your posh group of yuppies really hurts me to the heart. Yea Right because I don't care about you or your alumni.

    Elton Brand

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  42. I think this post is a tactical mistake. I understand what you were trying to do because I have read the past few posts, but I can totally see how someone who is unfamiliar with the backstory going into this post won't get it and think you are actually a huge douche. I think you needed to go more over the top earlier, or maybe have an explicit line near the end that essentially screams "THIS IS A SATIRE."

    Remember, this is the internet. Subtleties are lost most of the time.

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  43. You're the man, Shane. Keep up the good work.

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  44. The problem is really how Kyrie and other incoming freshman are going to take this...they want supportive fans, and if this was written about you and you were as famous as he was you probably wouldnt give a shit if it was suppose to be sarcastic or not. Bottom line, I get the sarcasm bla bla but your not looking at what really matters --- how this looks to Kyrie and other future Dukies.

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  45. I think my favorite part is, along with not getting that this is a joke, people still think you are Seth Curry.

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  46. I knew I was right about you fucking kids

    Jalen Rose

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  47. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!!!

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  48. I was hoping that your dad got out of prison by climbing through 500 yards of a sewer pipe after carving through a 5 foot wall with tool kept in his Bible. Now that is a story I could believe.

    This satire sits so closely to the sharp edge of reality that it is totally believable. Brilliant...

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  49. UNC fan here, I guess these outraged Duke alums can't pick up on quality satire when it's beating them over the head. This blog entry is gorgeous, shocking for a Dukie, props props props

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  50. That was just stupid and lame.

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  51. This is bloody fucking brilliant.

    Posting satire on the internet is like walking into a 4th grade math class and asking "What's the square root of -4?"

    What happens when you mindfuck 4th graders?

    Folks get pissy they can't figure it out and just shoot spitballs at you.

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  52. An open note to the whiny liberal needs-based scholarship recipients who have belly-ached above: Stop complaining and get a job! Maybe a little can-do Reaganomics will whip you lazy poor people in to shape!

    -Dr. K

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  53. Self-deprecating satire and cynicism. Well done Dukie.

    http://www.deaconarchive.net/image/opponents/2.jpg

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  54. Well, as a confirmed dirt-munching; tree-hugging; granola-eating druid of a liberal... I'm offended by almost 33% of this blog!

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  55. GREG@ILOVEDUKE4EVERApril 7, 2011 at 12:40 PM

    I think ur a dumb ass!!!ur really not a DUKE fan.UR JUST TRYING TO PROVE JALEN RIGHT!This is sure fire way to keep top guys coming to DUKE!!THANKS FOR BEING A FAN'WANNA B" U MAKE ME SICK!!UR THE DISCRACE TO DUKE PIECE OF TRASH!!

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  56. hahahahaha @Greg above

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  57. Hahaha hilarious, Shane. A little embarrassed that some alumni can't pick up on the obvious sarcasm.

    -SYu

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  58. As I was sipping on $1000 a glass wine on-board my private jet, which is fueled entirely on CFC's, I read this post and thought I met a kindred spirit. Then I reached the part where he said his kids will go to Duke no matter how stupid they were and I realized that he was a fraud.

    Stupid privileged kids go to Yale. Everyone knows that.

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  59. Kyrie didn't have to come to Duke to become an elite player. Quit being so selfish...the relationship was mutually beneficial.

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  60. You're dad went to prison, wohooo HERO!!! NOT! hahaa i dont give a crap if this is sattire, typical Dookie bashing on your own...Dookies are a fail at life

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  61. YOUR A FAGGOT DONT TALK ABOUT FAMILY

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  62. are the responses satire too? really not sure of the one posing as Elton Brand - is that one saying that Elton really feels that way? or that Elton can't spell? or is it a parody of a parody of Elton? I feel like I am falling through the looking glass.

    ...and I agree with anon above who pointed out that "Stupid privileged kids go to Yale. Everyone knows that." Thats where I realized it was satire too.

    niveklaen

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  63. Nicely done. You almost had me there.

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  64. Shane's father is the original moody blue. Dude don't give a fuck as long as the $ rolls in. Did you know that he has "loyalty" tattooed on his knuckles? Or that upon his release from prison, he roamed the streets of Utica for 6 hours with a bottle of Dom and wearing nothing but a custom-made WWF championship belt with "SNITCHES GET STICHES" spelled out in diamonds? Or that he took his golden parachute from his former company and actually bought a golden parachute?

    Am I missing something, or is this post really about the American dream?

    -Craig J.

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  65. Standard: Mark Twain

    Satire - always contains enough truth to be a humorous, believable, commentary on society (or particular group, in this case).

    Can only assume then that there are those Kyrie hatred among elitists at Duke whom you are compelled to mock. Odd how I thought the elitist Duke vs. "townies" tragedy/saga had already been exhausted with the Duke Lacrosse case. Same storyline in this satire. Why beat a dead horse in the name of satire unless horse isn't dead and mockery is still necessary to point out injustice or other societal malady or weakness? Random thought from objective reader.

    Good analogy: keeping Kyrie at Duke just for the sake of the institution = jail sentence of 3 years. I'm sure if I read more closely I'd have more props.

    Still not convinced that Cusak rises to level of satire. Also not convinced that all this "noise" is good for Kyrie Irving personally -- and that SHOULD be considered. The one-n-done is something K bought into when recruiting Irving. Other recruits in process. How does this affect that process to expose the underbelly of "Cameron Crazy fandom"? They'll love ya, then they'll hate you. Obviously, the coaching staff isn't selling that as the tacit agreement. Kyrie could not reverse the (what was it) 11-12 game season to bag the trophy Crazies bargained for with one-n-done talent.

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  66. This post is about the human condition, and that condition is...


    HATERS GONNA HATE

    -Professor Bumblefuckstein, Duke Sociology Department. PH.D, M.D., DDS DDT, MTV

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  67. I want to laugh at this, but I grew up near this polluted creek of your father's and can not because of a malformed epiglottis.

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  68. Chris Herren's SponsorApril 7, 2011 at 2:31 PM

    And 1!

    -Ihatemisshawaii

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  69. SPR...You just made my week...You could be the biggest idiot/liar, that I've ever met...You should write a book, because you really can tell a tale...BTW, will you please get off the library computer so the kids can get their homework done...And while you are at it, will you please pick up the trash/toys around your gov't home? I'm sick of looking at the mess...Thanks for the laugh, you fucking idiot loser...

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  70. ::shakes fist at sky::

    DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!! (but not you, Kryie)

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  71. I well understand that this is satirical in intent, targeted to a specific audience that might very well find it amusing and entertaining. I am not really one of those people, mainly because I think humor should consist of more than repeating stereotypes as if they were your actual thoughts. This post, along with Cusack's open letter, do more to reinforce those stereotypes than any letter or editorial, filled with earnest yet ignorant remarks, could possibly accomplish. While a bigot's letter to the editor is easy to dismissed as misinformed or a product of environment, a satire in the vein of this post does not warrant the same excuse. The reason these posts have caused such controversy, even among the Duke fan base, is not because people honestly believe that the authors are racist or bigots; I'm sure if asked they could name several minority friends they have on speed dial. The outrage is instead seated in the idea that people think reveling in those stereotypes is funny, and that printing the same discriminating and prejudiced remarks, as long as tongue is in cheek, is an acceptable form of comedy. I view these posts in the same light as I view workplace racist jokes and black face jazz singers: overt expressions of covert sentiments.

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  72. So can I still not use your ping-pong table?

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  73. I've only seen the few early comments, but I can't believe how many people didn't get this. Shane is embracing every outsider's over the top stereotype and prejudiced view of Duke's fanbase, students, alumni and basically anyone associated with the university. This has more to do with Chris Cusiak's piece than Irving declaring. Chris didn't realize that people will take ANYTHING that makes Duke look bad at face value. That was my biggest problem with his editorial. Sure, you need to have an agenda to push that piece as a representation of a spoiled and out of touch Duke student body and fanbase. Problem is, many people have that agenda, thus making it easier to swallow

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  74. This is spectacular.

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  75. Funny post. Satire at its finest. You nailed it.

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  76. well played, Shane. Chris Cusack, this is how it's done.

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  77. Chris Herren's SponsorApril 7, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    When the Civil War between Duke fans starts, I would like to be on Shane's team, and the Anon poster at 4:56pm can lead the other squad.

    I'm calling no punches in the face and no titty twisters. I've got a really crazy May with work, but let's plan on mid to late June for the start of it, cool?

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  78. Cue Joker: "you've all been selected to participate in a social experiment."

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  79. I really enjoy some good satire, emphasis on good. Sadly, neither you nor Cusack are any good at it. The problem with a dookie writing satirically about being a dookie is that the things you say about yourself meant to be taken entirely as ludicrous are in fact a mix of truth and fiction about dookies, and mixing the two is ruinous to your intended cause. It's hard to get your reader to play along with your playful callous conceit when he (and many of your own judging by the responses to both articles) esteem you so highly already in the conceit department.

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  80. If only Chris Cusack wrote something half this clever...

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  81. if only chris cusack wrote something half this clever...then you wouldn't have had to compose this for his defense.

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  82. You forgot to add the part about eating children in the cafeteria. :)

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  83. Just want to pop in to say that the 5-comment stretch starting with Craig J. and ending with Chris Herron's Sponsor (aside from that second post) are just golden. Great work all around by the regulars, and those 4 coming so close back to back just cracked me up.

    -Shane

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  84. It is amazing how people will believe what they want to believe. Tom

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  85. I think the saddest part of the liberal-handwringing Duke fans is how spectacularly selfish they all are. In my mind, they're actually worse than the people OPENLY begging Kyrie to stay because they pretend to care about the individual athletes.

    Saying, "I'm supportive because he's an individual who has got to look out for the best interests of his career and family" is great... so long as it isn't followed by "and in addition, THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO HURT OUR RECRUITING! NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY FOR UNGRATEFUL FANS SO LET'S BE SUPPORTIVE NO MATTER WHAT!!!!" That's just disingenuous and happens way more than I would've thought.

    Any Duke fan who says that they're not at least somewhat disappointed with the decision is totally full of crap. Fans should understand/accept the decision, and they should want Kyrie to be successful. But nobody who likes Duke basketball should have WANTED him to leave. It just doesn't make sense and it's a little condescending if you ask me. Just my two cents I guess.

    Great piece Shane.

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  86. I can always count on you Shane to brighten my day. I have always loved the way you expose the idiocies of the unawares. Once again, you shock, cause shortness of breath, and develop outrage. But, most importantly, you make us think, evaluate, and laugh at ourselves. You're brilliant and I am still amazed that your dad and I created you at one of our conjugal visits during his prison term.

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  87. Shane -

    This is your best work since your AIM status messages freshman year.

    KK

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  88. "when you had the picture of Coach K with the boner."

    was this photoshopped? because i googled it and nothing provocative came up.
    the malformed epiglottis comment had me llol.

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  89. Anoynmous at 5:34pm, I sure don't want any of the satire you recognize as "good" based on your turgid analysis and broken verbal skills. By using the term "dookie" and claiming the "mix of truth and fiction" is "ruinous", you only expose your own rancid biases and complete inability to rise above them. Your loss.

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  90. Max, I had to laugh at that. God forbid a piece of satire mixes truth and fiction, right? That would almost be...satirical!

    Khalid, I've spent my whole life trying to achieve that level again. Thanks for letting me know I came close.

    Bluefaced, here you go: http://sethcurrysavesduke.blogspot.com/2011/03/duke-arizona-deja-pre-vu.html

    -Shane

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  91. bah ha ha ha amazing.. you're brilliant. i had to read it in two parts-- got kicked out of the lib halfway for laughing too goddamn hard. made my day.

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  92. I assume it's satire, but Duke really is the greatest place in the world, and the rest of you can go to hell.

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  93. For those commenting on Duke alum's inability to "get it"... um, really? You think they are Duke alums?

    For those claiming to be Duke alums, whose comments are rife with grammatical errors and misspellings... um, really?

    For those Duke alums, posing as non-Duke alums who are posing as Duke alums, including the grammatical errors and misspellings... nice! Particularly since it can still be identified, somehow.

    Shane, tons of fun. Love the post, and the comments are priceless.

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  94. This was so fucking funny. Honestly, I think a lot of people who claim to be Duke alumni who are outraged really aren't duke alumni because duke alumni would be too smart to not understand this. Bravo Shane

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  95. Thanks for all of this. First Elton Brand, now Kyrie! I can't wait to email this page to Shabazz Muhammed.

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  96. "Anonymous said...
    To the writer and 'Max'...
    I guess your right it is 'working'.
    You are truly the Duke alumni that are shameful. I am rich as shit and my whole fucking family went to Duke...

    April 7, 2011 10:33 AM"

    Yeah, right...how did even you pass high school English (hint: it's "you're")

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  97. ahem...

    hey "anonymous"...i guess they didn't teach your sorry ass conjunctions at Duke.

    you may be rich, but you're a dumb ass.

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  98. Who the fuck are you? Please tell me this is satire, because I hope to God Duke doesn't take self-absorbed little pricks like you.

    I feel like if you and I were in the same room for two minutes, you with your little posse, I would go over and beat the ever-living shit out of you. I would probably go to jail, but with good behavior, I would get out in three years, and people would throw me private fucking ceremonies for snapping off your fingers so you can't write anymore.

    Fucking prick.

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  99. Was 100 comments the goal? Congrats all around.

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  100. This piece is clearly satire. Poorly done satire. Very poorly done. Pathetic in many ways. Just because it qualifies as satire doesn't make it good.

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  101. Parody AND satire in the same week!

    I hope today's post is an allegory. And, I hope it involves cute little kitties. Meow.

    ~Sean

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  102. Hello sanfransoxfan,
    As some1 who didtn go to dook (I go to Carolina), I will be insreting sevral mispellingz and gramatcle errers to prove my intelectual inferiorty to u. U have sucessfuly proven that while most dookies arent ignoramuses to the point of the so-called "author" of this satier, they r still mostly dooshes. Cleerly, my unableness to rite cleerly should attibuted to my desision not to atend skool in derm.

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  103. The post was hilarious. But, the comments are hilarious-er. :)

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  104. I liked the Chronicle's satire better. When you can pick up that it's satire, that's a plus. When it's not 5,000 words, that too is a plus.

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  105. This was so fucking funny. I am a Duke student, and I love hearing you write; you totally get the Duke experience and dealing with Duke haters. Just got back from my top medical school visit. Tons of Dukies there. And yeah, everyone notices us.

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  106. I love hearing people write too...it's very relaxing...especially that rhythmic writing style of Shane's.

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  107. Shane, I don't know what's more awesome; this blog post, or all these outraged folks that don't realize that this is satire of a Chronicle column. Keep up the good work.

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