Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Guest Blogger: The Outraged Sports Moralist

(Good morning. With the Yankees enjoying a day off, I thought I'd make it through yesterday without watching any sports. Wrong! Somehow, I forgot that Monday is Puerto Rican Fight Night in South Park Slope. Each of the past three Mondays since I moved to the area, I've witnessed this vibrant, nontraditional display of pugilistic acumen. 'Why Monday?' you might ask. I don't know, dude. I don't know.

The festivities start at around 2:30am, directly outside my window, kicking off with an extended shouting match. This lasts anywhere between ten minutes and a half hour, and the audience is encouraged to participate. They do so, lustily. As the vocal jousts diminish, a brief scuffle ensues. Unlike a more professional fighting event, competitors are known to scream and beg the other man to let them go. If the opponent chooses to comply, a second round of shouting commences. The pattern continues well into the late hours, until the referee, clad in a policeman's uniform, declares a loser.

Yesterday was ladies' night, and one of the more boisterous events of the year. Since it culminated at 5am, and the participants stayed around until six to discuss the bout, I'm a bit too tired to write a post. In fact, if I had one of those "current mood" features on this blog, today's entry might say "vexed." So I'm turning over the blog to a good friend, Marcel Arson Douglas.

I've known Marcel since grade school, and he's one of the few perpetually angry people I know. He's also a great sports fan. Every day, he chooses one article from ESPN, usually something that would seem pretty innocuous to you or I, and totally lambastes the writer. He doesn't even publish these rants; he prints them out, hangs them on the walls in his house- he's married with four kids- and highlights his favorite parts. His place has become a sort of museum, although I don't like to visit too often since Marcel is kind of a bummer to be around for long periods. Also, his wife has arthritis issues and is pretty cranky herself.

But today, I thought I'd do him a favor and give him a forum for his rants. Quick warning: Marcel is pretty conservative, and sometimes his writings bend pretty hard to the right. As usual, all punctuation quirks and misspellings and opinions are his own, not mine. Enjoy.)

Okay, folks, I am completely FURIOUS today, so grab your belts and find a COMFORTABLE CHAIR. Just when I thought the THOUGHT MONOPOLY over at ESPN couldn't reach their seedy hands any deeper into our private lives, they come out with this ABSOLUTE GEM from the NBA section.

Pacers Won't Pick Up Daniels' Option

Before you continue here, you might want to read the UTTER TRIPE in its entirety (three short paragraphs). Smartly, ESPN has not listed a writer, since the INCITEFUL HATESPEAK in the article would get him or her BOMBARDED by mail from HONEST AMERICANS. Instead, the byline says only "Associated Press."


This one really has got to be read to be believed, so let's take it sentence by sentence. The first one is a real DOOZY:

INDIANAPOLIS -- The Indiana Pacers will not exercise their team option on guard Marquis Daniels.

Uhhhhh, hey ESPN: try not revealing your EXTREME SOCIALIST AGENDA in the opening line. We get it: the Pacers are a BIG, BAD, CAPITALIST organization hellbent on destroying POOR LITTLE MARQUIS DANIELS. I guess it never occurred to the Stalinists in Bristol that maybe, just maybe, MARQUIS DANIELS IS A TERRIBLE PERSON. Check this out, from Wikipedia:

Daniels' tattoos range from an extremely detailed map of Florida that covers his entire back, a disturbing caricature of a man blowing off his head with a shotgun on his lower right arm, and Chinese characters on his other arm which were apparently intended to represent his initials, but when translated into English, it actually reads "big women standing on the roof."

I'll let you guess how many times ESPN mentions his HATEFUL, VIOLENT TATTOOS. Here's a hint: the number rhymes with "hero," something Marquis Daniels is MOST DEFINITELY NOT. The article continues:

Daniels' agent, Glenn Schwartzman, told The Associated Press in an e-mail on Monday that the Pacers have indicated that they will not pay the final year of the deal.

Oh, okay ESPN, now I get it: APPARENTLY, ALL AGENTS ARE JEWISH. This one would be easy to miss, but did you wonder why the writer feels the need to write the agent's ENTIRE NAME? It's because they're ANTI-SEMITIC FASCISTS who want to imply that corporate Jewish entities are harming regular folks like POOR LITTLE MARQUIS DANIELS. Oh no, he won't get the final year of his deal! CRY ME A RIVER. Start setting an example for kids, and maybe I'll start caring about you, Mr. SHOTGUN SUICIDE TATTOO. You jerk. You phony. ESPN really owes the world an apology on this one.

Daniels would have made $7.3 million next season, but now he's an unrestricted free agent.

WAH WAH WAH. You know who else was UNRESTRICTED? THE GUY IN HIS TATTOO BLOWING HIS OWN HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN. Don't get me wrong, I think every American should own a gun, but COME ON. WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER! Sorry, Marquis. You brought this one on yourself. Maybe you should your tattoo of Florida to find your way to DISNEY WORLD, because this story is PURE MICKEY MOUSE.

Daniels averaged a career-high 13.6 points per game last season, but Brandon Rush emerged late and is the favorite to start at shooting guard next season.

What is the point of this paragraph, ESPN? Hmmm, I don't know, could it be...to IMPLY THAT IT'S WRONG for the Pacers to ACTUALLY CHOOSE THE BEST PLAYER? This is OBSCENE. They're actually turning Brandon Rush into a villain, or at least a collaborator. I guess I missed the memo: apparently Americans have to apologize for HARD WORK now. Thanks, OBAMA.

Daniels has been successful during his three years as a Pacer, but he missed 73 games the past three seasons with an assortment of injuries.

73 GAMES? Looks like another LAZY FREELOADER ABUSING THE DISABILITY ACT. This nation has gone down the SHITTER ever since FDR gave all the power to COMMIE LABOR UNIONS. Gee, I wonder why Daniels was injured so much? Maybe he was too busy standing ON THE ROOF WITH BIG WOMEN, AND HE FELL OFF!!!! (tattoo reference) Sorry guys, I COULDN'T RESIST.

A Pacers spokesman says the team cannot comment on the situation until free agency officially begins Wednesday.

Notice they don't name the Pacers spokesman. God forbid we give any press TO A GOOD, HONEST BUSINESSMAN, unless we're trying to spread an ANTI-SEMITIC CONSPIRACY. The "Worldwide Leader." Ha! YOU MAKE ME SICK, ESPN. Hey, here's an idea for your next story: how about you STOP SPREADING LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO AVERAGE AMERICANS?

Who am I kidding? For that to happen, we'd have to have an actual STRONG PRESIDENT who would hold these folks accountable. THANKS, OBAMA. Or should I say: NO THANKS, NO-BAMA.

Have a nice day, if you can.

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