Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Revenge Horizon, or Horizon: Vengeance, or The Vengeance Horizon, or The Bourne Revenge Identity Horizon

From May 2nd to May 7th, the Yankees lost five straight games. The bleak streak dropped the team to 13-15, and included mini-sweeps by Boston and Tampa Bay. It prompted me to declare a personal Yankee hiatus. Rumblings about the security of Girardi's job began in earnest, talk radio erupted with rage, and the New York tabloids ran amok with gleeful headline debasements.

Since that date, the Yanks have gone 21-8. We've won eight of our last nine series', with the lone loss coming in a heartbreaking rubber game against Philadelphia in inter-league play. We hold the best record in the American League, and team coherence is in the late stages of a robust actualization. Only one symbolic sword-stroke remains: beat Boston.

(I originally put an illustration of the Boston Massacre there, but it seemed a bit insensitive. Then I found this tea party cartoon, which isn't exactly contextual, but what the hell are you gonna do?)

Seriously guys, please beat Boston. This is an inferior team. Even if they win all 18 games against us, we'll still end up with a better record. They're a limping shadow of their former selves. They have one good pitcher, Big Papi is actually 42 and sucks now that he's off the juice, and their supposed stud, Youkilis, would probably bat 8th for us. Okay, that last part isn't true, but our line-up is way better. Our starting pitching is way better. Even our bullpen is looking okay. But they've taken all 5 games from us so far, and if they manage to win this series, we'll have to hear their ugly yawping accents until after the All-Star break.

AJ, you're supposed to be a big-game pitcher, so rise up tonight. Don't look amazing for 4 innings and then let one walk totally screw your mental focus and provoke a five-run implosion. Wang, nobody likes to see you pitching that second game, but if you have any heart, try to last at least four innings so Hughes can bail you out. CC, this is why you're here. Win game 3. A-Rod, stop sucking. Get a clutch hit. (Sorry, that's being unreasonable.) Tex, keep being awesome. Stay on your AL MVP trajectory. Girardi, I know this seems obvious, but keep Jose Veras the fuck away from the mound. Have a short leash with Wang. Pinch run with Gardner or Pena in the late innings. Robbie Cano, take a few walks. Stop grounding out to second on shitty outside pitches. Melky, stop trying to hit home runs. Get on base, hit a single. Jeter, Damon, Posada, and Swish, do your thing. My God, don't you all see what's at stake?

Rain, please stay out of Boston tonight. According to weather.com, you're kinda being a dick. Stop it. Be cool.

Beat Boston.

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