Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The David Ortiz Conspiracy and Paul the Octopus

The situation: bottom of the 9th, American League All-Stars down 3-1, David Ortiz on first base. If the AL squad scores three runs, the Yankees will have homefield advantage in the World Series. John Buck lofts a Jonathan Broxton fastball into right field. It falls in for a hit. But Ortiz cannot make it to second base. He gets thrown out, and the National League win 3-1.




Why indeed? Well, let's look at the FACTS:

1) The league who wins the All-Star game has home field advantage in the World Series.

2) The Yankees will make the World Series.

3) The Yankees and the Red Sox are rivals who hate each other.

4) David Ortiz plays for the Red Sox.


If David Ortiz didn't want the Yankees to win the World Series, what's his best and only method of sabotage? Answer: cost them homefield advantage. And with his baserunning "blunder" yesterday, that's exactly what he did.

This theory is almost watertight, but there are a few lingering questions:

Question 1: Why wouldn't he just make an out in the ninth inning instead of getting a base hit and then screwing up on the basepaths? Isn't that unnecessarily complicated?

Answer: Don't be a naive little girl. Striking out would be too obvious. Ortiz is known as a clutch player, and he had to make his little performance convincing.

Question 2: Isn't it true that David Ortiz is really slow anyway, and had to wait to see if the ball would be caught by Byrd?

Answer: Oh, how convenient!

Question 3: 'Oh, how convenient!' is not an answer.

Answer: Isn't it, though? Isn't it?

Question 4: Aren't you being kinda presumptuous assuming the Yankees will win the World Series when the truth is that several teams, including the Red Sox, still have a chance?

Answer: Oh, that's really rich.

Question 5: Again, you're not answering-

Answer: (Makes loud, inexplicable sea horn noise)

Nice try, Ortiz, but we're still going to win the Series. And now your little charade has been exposed. Somehow, I have the feeling this will be an even bigger story than that time he tarnished his legacy forever by injecting steroids into his body.

Moving on: everybody who reads this blog knows I like to joke around sometimes. Sports can be light-hearted, and sometimes it's a real hoot to have fun with the topics and personalities. But once in a while a story comes along that is so inspirational, and so transcendent, that it would be a fucking crime to even crack a smile in its presence. Paul the German Octopus is one such story.

For those who don't follow important news, Paul successfully predicted 8 matches in the World Cup by eating mussels from one of two containers lowered into his tank. The tiny boxes bore the flags of each nation on their exterior, and whichever Paul ate from first was the team he predicted to win the match. Here's a video of him picking Spain over the Netherlands:

The odds of anyone going 8-for-8 are almost nil, and therefore Paul must be a psychic. It was important for me to do a tribute to him, but I couldn't figure out how. But then, in a flash of intuition, it was obvious: write a song for him based on the melody and lyrics of Bob Dylan's 'Quinn the Eskimo (The Mighty Quinn).' It would be called 'Paul the Octopus.' DUH!

You can listen to Dylan's song below. Click play and give it about thirty seconds to load up. Unfortunately, only crappy cover versions and a crappier Manfred Mann version are on YouTube. Lyrics here. Once you know the melody, I suggest you sing the 'Paul the Octopus' lyrics below. This is really important.

PAUL THE OCTOPUS (The Brilliant Paul)

Everybody's kicking
the round ball into the net
Some are taking corners
Others run 'til they sweat
Nobody can make sense
Of the games they can't divine
but when Paul the Octopus gets here
Results are gonna fall in line

Watch him predict!
Watch him enthrall!
You'll not see nothing
like the Brilliant Paul!

Now I know this is a simple game
it ain't no Rubik's Cube
But still and all, a gambling man
gets to feeling like a rube
Everybody's losing dough
the experts are all adrift
but when Paul the Octopus gets here
The fog is gonna lift

Watch him predict!
Watch him enthrall!
You'll not see nothing
like the Brilliant Paul!

And when that final rolls around
with two nations on the pitch
many souls will stake their claim
on the trappings of the rich
they guess the winner's name
picking blind until they're poor
but when Paul the Octopus gets here
Everybody's gonna know for sure

Watch him predict!
Watch him enthrall!
You'll not see nothing
like the Brilliant Paul!



  2. Conspiracy Part II:

    The Yankees KNOW the Red Sox are making the WS, so Phil Hughes intentionally lost the game, and Girardi did not pinch run for Ortiz...

  3. That video is amazing. Thank you and thank you.