The Duke Summer Report

It's July, and senior basketball correspondent Nick is back with a thorough wrap-up of Duke summer news. You can find Nick's other stuff here:

-The Duke Offseason Report
-Duke is the best team in the NBA
-The Roy Williams take-down
-The 'Zombie Singler' Theorem
-Duke-WVU Final Four Preview
-Why Duke will not repeat
-Why Duke will repeat, by Tupac Shakur


BLUE DEVILS: Summer Links

-Lance Thomas and Brian Zoubek, on the strength of their NATIONAL FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP, both got signed to summer contracts by the Nets. NBA stardom awaits.

-Ryan Kelly has bulked up to 230 lbs. There aren’t any photos yet, but here’s an expert’s rendering of before and after:

Before:

After:

-Our boys Kyrie Irving and Josh Hairston won the FIBA U-18 Americas championship for Team USA. Kyrie was the man with 21 points, 10 boards and 5 dimes; afterwards, Andy Katz sent out the following tweet: “Elite coach watching USA hoops in San Antonio predicts: G Kyrie Irving will be nat'l fr of yr, No. 1 pick in '11 and Duke will win title.” OK by me.

-Top Duke target Austin Rivers is also on the team, and really liked playing with Magnum KI. At this point the consensus is that he’s a very heavy Duke lean, and we should expect an announcement sometime in August.

-Nolan Smith (AKA Ndotsmitty) started a blog. There’s a sweet video of him, uh, flipping ropes or something. He’s been working out and going to Wawa, just like me!

-Miles Plumlee did the impossible by literally dunking over all five members of an opposing basketball team. Sure, they were nine-year-olds, but still: impressive.

(Editor's note: this video is super. I love how it starts out a bit routine for Miles, just another dunk, but when the kids start shouting and mob him on the court, he gets caught up in the moment and raises his arm. Very cool.)

-Speaking of Plumlees, a third brother will be making his way to Durham in the near future. This one is called Marshall, and he's tall.

-Chris Duhon got signed by the Magic. He should be an upgrade over (white) Jason Williams at backup PG, although this means he’ll no longer start.

-Here’s a cool audio chat with Coach K.

-And finally, here’s my new favorite joke:

How far off was Gordon Hayward’s half-court shot from going in?

Answer: 12 million dollars.

See, the Yankees and Duke have in something in common (besides winning championships): they spend a shit-ton of money. Like, much more than anyone else. In Duke’s case, more than 22 BCS football programs.

The Blue Devils’ budget was $13.9 million last year, as opposed to Butler’s $1.7 million. Among Duke’s expenditures:

*Reanimation technology for Zoubek’s corpse midway through the season
*Private yachting lessons
*Monocles, professional beard-strokers for all Iron Dukes
*Special team breakfast of Dodo eggs, capped off with a smoothie of hummingbird tongues
*Coach K’s special “motivation” clinic
*Lots and lots of blow

Want to know what happens when you pinch pennies?

Tears, while those whose parents truly cared about them dance over your poor, lifeless body.