Friday, July 30, 2010

Last New York Post! (Not the Newspaper)

This is it, gang. I'm leaving the Old Apple. The City of Sleeping Giants. Gothman.

Speaking of nicknames, here are 98 of them for NYC. This is according to some book written in 1970, and a lot of them are a bit ridiculous.

3. Father Knickerbocker

This violates the first rule of nicknaming a city, which is that you shouldn't use something that could double as the name of a creepy old pedophile.

6. The Bagdad of the Subway

I like this one because it's clear and easy to understand. It means that when you consider the "Subway"- in a global sense, I guess- New York's version is a lot like Bagdad, which is a capital city in Iraq if you spell it wrong. In other words, the underground in New York City is more like Baghdad than the underground in other cities. Which, as far as I know, might be true.

14. The Burg

This would be a clever shortened version of a city name that already included 'burg.' Such as Pittsburgh, or Harrisburg, or a bunch of other towns in Pennsylvania. But look close at the name "New York City." What do you notice? That's right: no burg.

15. The Business Capital of the Nation
16. The Business Capital of the World

#15: You always have to try to one-up me, don't you?
#16: What? What are you talking about?
#15: Oh, come on, don't play dumb. I do 'nation,' you have to do 'world.'
#16: Oh God, that's funny. I didn't even notice.
#15: Like hell you didn't. Like hell.
#16: I swear, number fifteen...
#15: Stop. Just stop it. You made me obsolete. You went and made me obsolete.

21. The City at the Crossroads of High Diplomacy


29. The City of Superlatives


53. The Frog and Toe

Why did they leave out 'mallet'? It was always 'The Frog and Toe and Mallet.' What the fuck?

56. The Fun City on the Hudson

This just barely beat out the other Hudson-centric nickname: The Fun City Where You Can Get AIDS By Jumping in the Water With an Open Wound.

65. The Land of Surprising Contrasts

This sounds Chinese to me. Like a proverb about America. I think the author got it from a fortune cookie.

83. The Printing Capital of the World

Our Kinkos stores are models of efficiency.

88. The University of Telephony

As a New Yorker, I get really annoyed at how overused this one is. People are always trying to act like they know New York by dropping this one. Here's my message to those people: only real dorks call it the University of Telephony anymore.

98. The World's Most Exciting All Year Round Vacation Center

Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? Also, it sounds like something an overenthusiastic grandmother in a cheap commercial would say about Disney World. Wearing her Mickey Mouse ears. Holding a balloon. Eager kids all around her. It's enough to make you sick.

I'll always remember you, New York. Your taxi cabs. Your Citi Banks. Your crosswalks. Your buildings with glass. I know I'm forgetting a lot. I must be. But those four things have a special resonance, because they're all in this picture of New York I googled.

As for sports? Yankees won again. Another blowout in Cleveland. Spike sent me an e-mail from Amsterdam that amused me:

As a major league pitcher Nick Swisher has struck out a major league hitter.
As a major league hitter Nick Swisher has been struck out by a major league hitter.

Swisher: A Yankee for the rest of us.

Also, Bill Simmons wrote an article calling the Boston Red Sox boring.

And this is the absolute greatest and most hilarious video of all time. Please only view it in places where people aren't easily offended. There's a bit of language.

The way the younger players try to slowly get away the whole time, and how they seem so uncomfortable as he follows them around, intent on finishing the story, is awesome. It reminds me of a well-written awkward situation in a movie or sitcom. And you couldn't script a better last line for George. I was dying. A tour-de-force performance all around.

In terms of the blog, the move from NYC to Chapel Hill doesn't mean anything. At least not yet. Our internet people come on Monday, so there may not be a post then, but by Tuesday I hope to be up and running. Thanks to everyone who has read through the first 445 posts, and special thanks to the Friends of the Blog.

Friends of the Blog, Inaugural Edition

Nick E. - A true SCSD. all-star. This fellow Dukie has written more posts here than anyone except me. And he probably knows almost as much about Duke basketball as I do, which is quite an accomplishment. (Just kidding, he knows way more.) You can find his last post, and links to all his others, here.

Carrie - One of my first readers, and probably the most frequent commenter. My heart is always warmed when I see her name, even if she supports the Red Sox.

Spike - A good pal, Mariners fan, contributor to the blog, and a consistent provider of good content, as you saw today.

William - Another early reader, frequent commenter, and somehow a reasonable human being despite liking UNC.

Brian - Fellow Dukie, good pal, and frequent commenter, even though his comments are usually angry diatribes about something I've written. But Lord knows we need that kind of thing.

Emily - Girlfriend who dutifully learns about sports, tolerates quite a bit, and provides the occasional good story. Such as last night, when I got bit by a spider or mosquito on my middle finger at like 2am, and made her turn on the light until I could flush it out and kill it. Boy, she was not pleased! But I saved her from a possible mosquito bite (it turned out to be a mosquito), so maybe she'll appreciate it more when she thinks about that.

Nick W. - Fellow Tar Heel, contributor, Francona hater, and a dude who has already promised to help me move in for the price of several beers.

My Younger Brothers - Theirs are the only comments I ever delete from this site, because they usually say something like 'this writer is a fag.' However, they read every post, and every blog needs its controversial fringe element.

Tom - Stepfather, consistent reader, and one of the most unreasonable Yankee fans in the world. Probably the chief influence on my irrational fandom.

I'm sure I'm forgetting many, but that will have to suffice for now. Onward to phase 2!


  1. Hey Jason, I am a diehard Duke fan so I read your blog, but I am a rays baseball fan because I live in Tampa. And yes I was a fan when they sucked ass. Hope I can still read your blog :)

  2. P.S. I absolutely love the Avett Brothers. Good post with them.

  3. Thanks Will, good to have you on board. And you can call me Shane, my actual name. The Jason Pepsi thing is a weird e-mail anomaly I need to fix.

  4. this writer is a fag

  5. This is the one time I will leave that comment up. Nice work, d-bags.


  6. The Bears!! ^the writer above me is a complete homosexual. Nice writing d-bag YOUR NOT A DUKIE ANYMORE