Normally I write this feature on Mondays, but since I might not be back from vacation until late in the day, I have to write it today.
10.0 - As Awesome as Getting a Surprise Hug on Another Dude's Birthday
To the US National Team, for their huge 7-0 win over Uruguay. I mean, if you had told me before the Friday afternoon that not only would the entire Ghanese team come down with dysentery, but that FIFA actually had an "illness stipulation" that allowed a previously defeated team to take their place, and that the US would therefore be back in the World Cup against all odds...I would have said you were evil. But it happened, we all saw it, and Freddy Adu scored 7 goals to lead us over Uruguay. After that, every other team tied, so we won the World Cup and people all across America celebrated by shooting guns into the air.
10.0 - As Awesome as Getting a Larger Piece of Cake than the Dude Having a Birthday
To Rafael Nadal, who defeated Andy Murray in straight sets and then burned a British flag and threw it at the queen, who was sitting courtside. The British people were so riled that they chased him all over Wimbledon and then into London, but Rafa was too fast and he escaped on a helicopter with his Uncle Toni. When they landed back in Mallorca, there was a huge water parade led by two dolphins named Tuck and Macoco. Two days later, Nadal came back to Wimbledon in disguise and beat Djokovic in the final.
10.0 - As Awesome as Realizing Nobody Liked the Birthday Guy and Bought YOU Presents Instead Including a Watch that Works Underwater
To the Yankees, who not only swept the Toronto Blue Jays, but stole their passports secretly during the 7th inning stretch so that none of the team could get back into Canada and were thrown into temporary custody instead. Bail was set at 20 wins, payable by 10 each from Tampa Bay and Boston. They had no choice, because baseball is important, and now victory in the division is all but assured. Also, Robbie Cano hit a home run so high that it hit the MetLife blimp and sent it careening into the Harlem River, where it hit a skiff that was taking Josh Beckett on a tour. Nobody survived.
Friday: Brazil-Holland at 10, Wimbledon semis starting at 8 with Djokovic-Berdych first and Nadal-Murray second, Ghana-Uruguay at 2:30, Yanks-Jays at 1
Saturday: Argentina-Germany at 10, Yanks-Jays at 1, Spain-Paraguay at 2:30
Sunday: Wimbledon final in the morning, Yanks-Jays at 1, and AMERICA DAY ALL DAY
Thanks to Brian for the idea that spawned the queen joke (actually, he just made the same joke except with a racket instead of a burning flag, but that little twist is why I'm a millionaire and he's just some lawyer).
Happy 4th of July weekend to everyone!