Coach K's Triumph: A Play in 10 Acts

Last night, Coach K passed Dean Smith for second on the all-time coaching victories list with Duke's win over UNC-Greensboro. We now revisit that glorious moment in an 8-act play, with apologies and thanks to the great Jeff Sullivan.)


"COACH K'S TRIUMPH"


ACT 1: 0-0
Hello, I'm the announcer Rob Stone. Let's have fun!

I know Coach K personally.

I'm coach Mike Dement. Happy holidays. My team is 0-11.

My team is 11-0.

This is anybody's game.

Goodness, it appears Coach K has chosen me as a member of tonight's starting 5.

Oh no biggie just kicking it off with a little baseline J.

Just swatid a smll dude hard ;-).

And scored a 2 lol.

How about some...3-POINT BINGO?

A 30-second timeout will set things right.

This is anybody's game.

Commercial: OOMA is some kind of phone product.



ACT 2: 15-2 Duke
Interview: I will now say the word 'moments' 8 times...moments.

Oh dear I'm out of the game.

A small white person is guarding me. Ideal.

Remember when I played for Duke?

Swatid another doosh.

Ouch a little fellow shoved me in the liver.

Swatid littel whitey hehe.

3 points? BINGO!

Our commercial with KISS is somehow still running.



ACT 3: 23-10 Duke
Did you know our nickname is the Spartans?

Not to brag, but I'm hot. BINGO.

Well hell any man can Bingo!

Commercial: Imagine a $2 bill with THE GRAND CANYON on it!



ACT 4: 35-15 Duke
Rob Stone, I won a national title. Haha!

Call me presumptuous but I believe it's J-Time!

This whole thing annoys me.

Me too.

Check out this new move I call a "spin."

These little fellows are awfully aggressive about rebounding.

Commercial: Let's face it, men need clothing.



ACT 5: 43-22 Duke
Interview: I am living a dream. Somebody pinch my butt.

I am the best slow player you've ever seen.

Forensic science can't prove I sent photos of my dang 'ol penis!

Folks I am a simple man. Bingo!

20 points in one half. More like UNC-Godawful.

I do declare I shall now dunk.

OH SWEET MERCY! MILES PLUMLEE IS THE JESUS OF DUNKING!

A few halftime adjustments should do the trick.

This is anybody's game.


HALFTIME.








ACT 6: 53-32 Duke
Oh goodness, free throws give me night fevers.

Boy this is just bad luck.

Shucks I can't see the harm in it. Bingo!

Coach K's wife berates him in public.

Commercial: They are jeans, but also pajamas.



ACT 7: 65-38 Duke
Interview: I will pretend I liked Dean Smith

Interview: I will pretend I like Coach K.

This is anybody's game.

Gimme 2 steps and ill dunk with 2 hnds bitches whut.

I have dunked on yet another human.

WHAT BEAUTY! WHAT FORCE! MILES PLUMLEE MAKES ME WEEP!

Oh why in heck not. Bingo.

Commercial: Are you in the market for weird pillows?



ACT 8: 78-46 Duke
I made my wife change her name to Mickie.

Mama has finally given me permission to score.

Oh hooray this is fun! Bingo!

Another young fellow has scored upon me.

But I have atoned with a dunk shot.

I CAN ONLY GET ERECTIONS FROM MILES PLUMLEE DUNKS!

Greensboro is a lovely city.

I still wear my Duke jersey at night.

Commercial: Dr. Pepper is the true drink of Satan.



ACT 9: 87-53 Duke
I'm a little bit bored.

Would it be less boring with a...BINGO?

Eh.

Gimme 1 step and I'll dunk with 1 hnd bitches stfu.

I am now talking about my wife's birthday.

Does your wife like...BINGO?

....yes.

I failed a dunk and I'll surely be grounded.

Commercial: OOMA wants you to be happy.



ACT 10: 99-53 Duke
The 100th point is all mine, damn your eyes.

Gosh if a few bounces went our way we'd be right back in this thing.

This is anybody's game.

Papa told me I'm allowed to dunk!

No erection.

Do you get an erection from...BINGO?

No.

OH GOD A FREE THROW THE TERROR THE TERROR!

108-62. I've done it.

Well, HOOEY. Hoeey and baloney, I say.

I can't stop smiling. Ever.

Coach, talk to us about Miles Plumlee. In great detail.

The Coach K-Mike Dement debate rages on.