Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Coach K's Triumph: A Play in 10 Acts

Last night, Coach K passed Dean Smith for second on the all-time coaching victories list with Duke's win over UNC-Greensboro. We now revisit that glorious moment in an 8-act play, with apologies and thanks to the great Jeff Sullivan.)


"COACH K'S TRIUMPH"


ACT 1: 0-0

Hello, I'm the announcer Rob Stone. Let's have fun!

I know Coach K personally.

I'm coach Mike Dement. Happy holidays. My team is 0-11.

My team is 11-0.

This is anybody's game.

Goodness, it appears Coach K has chosen me as a member of tonight's starting 5.

Oh no biggie just kicking it off with a little baseline J.

Just swatid a smll dude hard ;-).

And scored a 2 lol.

How about some...3-POINT BINGO?

A 30-second timeout will set things right.

This is anybody's game.

Commercial: OOMA is some kind of phone product.



ACT 2: 15-2 Duke

Interview: I will now say the word 'moments' 8 times...moments.

Oh dear I'm out of the game.

A small white person is guarding me. Ideal.

Remember when I played for Duke?

Swatid another doosh.

Ouch a little fellow shoved me in the liver.

Swatid littel whitey hehe.

3 points? BINGO!

Our commercial with KISS is somehow still running.



ACT 3: 23-10 Duke

Did you know our nickname is the Spartans?

Not to brag, but I'm hot. BINGO.

Well hell any man can Bingo!

Commercial: Imagine a $2 bill with THE GRAND CANYON on it!



ACT 4: 35-15 Duke

Rob Stone, I won a national title. Haha!

Call me presumptuous but I believe it's J-Time!

This whole thing annoys me.

Me too.

Check out this new move I call a "spin."

These little fellows are awfully aggressive about rebounding.

Commercial: Let's face it, men need clothing.



ACT 5: 43-22 Duke

Interview: I am living a dream. Somebody pinch my butt.

I am the best slow player you've ever seen.

Forensic science can't prove I sent photos of my dang 'ol penis!

Folks I am a simple man. Bingo!

20 points in one half. More like UNC-Godawful.

I do declare I shall now dunk.

OH SWEET MERCY! MILES PLUMLEE IS THE JESUS OF DUNKING!

A few halftime adjustments should do the trick.

This is anybody's game.


HALFTIME.








ACT 6: 53-32 Duke

Oh goodness, free throws give me night fevers.

Boy this is just bad luck.

Shucks I can't see the harm in it. Bingo!

Coach K's wife berates him in public.

Commercial: They are jeans, but also pajamas.



ACT 7: 65-38 Duke

Interview: I will pretend I liked Dean Smith

Interview: I will pretend I like Coach K.

This is anybody's game.

Gimme 2 steps and ill dunk with 2 hnds bitches whut.

I have dunked on yet another human.

WHAT BEAUTY! WHAT FORCE! MILES PLUMLEE MAKES ME WEEP!

Oh why in heck not. Bingo.

Commercial: Are you in the market for weird pillows?



ACT 8: 78-46 Duke

I made my wife change her name to Mickie.

Mama has finally given me permission to score.

Oh hooray this is fun! Bingo!

Another young fellow has scored upon me.

But I have atoned with a dunk shot.

I CAN ONLY GET ERECTIONS FROM MILES PLUMLEE DUNKS!

Greensboro is a lovely city.

I still wear my Duke jersey at night.

Commercial: Dr. Pepper is the true drink of Satan.



ACT 9: 87-53 Duke

I'm a little bit bored.

Would it be less boring with a...BINGO?

Eh.

Gimme 1 step and I'll dunk with 1 hnd bitches stfu.

I am now talking about my wife's birthday.

Does your wife like...BINGO?

....yes.

I failed a dunk and I'll surely be grounded.

Commercial: OOMA wants you to be happy.



ACT 10: 99-53 Duke

The 100th point is all mine, damn your eyes.

Gosh if a few bounces went our way we'd be right back in this thing.

This is anybody's game.

Papa told me I'm allowed to dunk!

No erection.

Do you get an erection from...BINGO?

No.

OH GOD A FREE THROW THE TERROR THE TERROR!

108-62. I've done it.

Well, HOOEY. Hoeey and baloney, I say.

I can't stop smiling. Ever.

Coach, talk to us about Miles Plumlee. In great detail.

The Coach K-Mike Dement debate rages on.

10 comments:

  1. This is exactly how I would always like to watch basketball games.

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  2. Way to perfectly capture Ryan Kelly's game.

    Rob Stone's "YES SIR! MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?" call after a Plumlee dunk was one of the more uncomfortable moments I've had watching sports in recent memory.

    Another was him talking about his wife's birthday and how had bought the gifts but had "other preparations" to attend to...creepy.

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  3. Why do I feel like Rob would have been fixated on Marty's calves, had he still been around?

    Agree with Jonny... creepy.

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  4. Yeah and the weird part was how tame he was for other big plays. Miles Plumlee just sent him over the edge, though.

    -Shane

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  5. Hahaha, if the plays in school would have been like this, I would have paid a lot more attention. Brilliant :)

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  6. My god, its the George Bernard Shaw of the blogosphere! That was a most enjoyable game recap. plus it made me want to wear skinny jeans out on new years eve.

    -Craig J.

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  7. Thank you Craig, I was afraid you'd say Oscar Wilde. Not that there's anything wrong with that (Oscar Wilde).

    -Shane

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  8. Loving this. This made my day, and I have a 3 day weekend coming up in 10 minutes. That should tell you how awesome this is. The way you characterize Ryan Kelly is pure genius. Kudos.

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  9. Im glad Im not the only one who gets an erection after a Plumlee dunk....

    ReplyDelete