Today's Ten Thangs were written by a late night talk show joke writer from the 1950s.
1. Hey Folks, how you doing tonight? It's great to see everybody here in good spirits and good health. Well, for some of us I guess it's just good spirits. (points to fat guy in audience)
Hey, I'm just kidding sir. It's great to have you around, really. No, I mean it...I hate leftovers.
Let me tell ya, it's been a hell of a week in the world of sports. Yes sir, some real wild stuff going on out there. And speaking of our heavy friends, it looks like New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. He and his wife have apparently been making videos for years, and some internet sleuth finally tracked them down. But me? I say, 'big deal.' That's between a husband and a wife, and they're not hurting anybody, right? But I will say this...for a guy with a foot fetish, you'd think ole Rex would have found a better kicker than Nick Folk.
2. No, but I feel bad for Rex. Hey, so the guy likes feet. That's nothing. People have all kinds of strange body issues. I knew a guy once, a punter for the New York Giants named Matt Dodge...he hated brains.
3. I'll tell you one guy who doesn't need any brains, though. Tom Izzo. I mean, that guy could drive into a ditch, roll in his car, fall off a canyon, and land in the Final Four. I'm serious. Last night, though, he lost a non-conference game at home for the first time in 52 games. And it wasn't that close. Texas gave 'em a real whooping. It was pretty bad. I haven't seen a Texan do that much damage to industrial Michigan since the Bush family spent 12 years depriving the region of jobs and dignity.
4. Hey, whoa, sorry! Tough crowd on that one. Fair enough. Political humor isn't for everyone. But here's something we can all get behind: the Boise State Broncos. (Hold for applause.) They handled Utah pretty easily last night to win the MAACO bowl. And they did it on the road, which is good because a lot of people are criticizing Boise's blue field. They say it's harder to see the home team in their blue uniforms, and it can even be hard to see the ball. You know who else has a hard time seeing his balls? That guy. (points to fat guy).
5. No, I'm joking sir. Everybody's real happy to have you here. Especially the theater owners. I'm serious. They've been meaning to test the weight-bearing capacity of the floor for a while now.
6. Hey, you know who used to really throw their weight around? The New York Yankees. Not anymore, though. They lost Cliff Lee to the Phillies, and now there's talk that they might go after a familiar face- Johnny Damon. It's true. He might be back in pinstripes starting next season. I'm sure he's thrilled, but I called up Michael Vick to tell him the news the other day, and he wasn't sold. "I've been in pinstripes," he told me. "It's not that great."
7. Boy, did he hate dogs. Sick? Oh yeah, he was a sick man. But boy, can he run! You won't see many athletes like Michael Vick, no sir. He can do it all. He can run a quarterback draw, he can run the option, he can run a scramble, and he can run a golden retriever over with a pick-up truck if no one's looking.
8. Okay! Okay! I get it. We all love dogs. It's a sensitive issue. Don't get mad at me. I'm a big animal guy myself, actually. It's true. I mean, come on, my favorite basketball team is coached by a rat.
Seriously, though, Coach K is top notch. You might have seen where he just tied Dean Smith on the all-time wins list. The guy is truly the best. I mean, we haven't seen this kind of success from a Dukie since Napoleon got his rear end kicked all the way back to France by Arthur Wellesley, the 1st Duke of Wellington.
9. Hey, I'm just the messenger. Waterloo was something else, it really was. But that's nothing compared to this Ohio State tattoo scandal. Did you hear about this? These guys might all be banned because they supposedly traded their autographs for tattoos. My message to the Ohio State players would be, hey, those autographs are valuable. Don't waste them. You want a tattoo? I know a guy who'll give you a tattoo for half a pack of Hamburger Helper. (points to fat guy)
The bad news is, the tattoo is just a yellow smear from an old mustard packet. And you have to leave quick or he'll try to lick it off.
10. Speaking of sad sacks, did you folks hear that former Yankee pitching coach Dave Eiland just got hired by Tampa Bay? It's true. He's going to be a special assistant. Apparently Tampa took a hard look at their personnel, and decided they were lacking a creepy-looking guy to ruin their young pitching prospects.
Really, though, this one is mind-boggling. But good for Tampa. Good for them. And I don't just mean the team, I mean the whole city. It could be a real boost to their economy, especially the tourist trade. As of yesterday, watching Dave Eiland stare at the field became the third most exciting activity in the greater Tampa region, after collecting stamps and trying to sell your house.
Thank you all, you've been great! Drive home safely!
(Note: contrary to what I said yesterday, there will probably be a post tomorrow morning.)