(Guys, the past three weeks have been real busy for me. I was up late turning in a law exam Monday, and just didn't have the energy to post this morning. Luckily, I was walking outside my apartment yesterday when I found a few sheets of looseleaf paper just sitting on the ground, covered with dirt and leaves. I couldn't resist taking a look, and it turned out to be a piece of fan fiction. It's not the first time this has happened to me. I once found some Nolan Smith fan fiction, and later I stumbled upon a Landon Donovan story. I think this one is an even greater literary achievement, and in light of his recent injury, even more historically significant.)
THE DAY KYRIE IRVING AND I KICKED ASS ON A CRUISE SHIP!
It was a blustery day aboard the Carnival cruise ship. Almost all the people were in their cabins trying not to be sea sick. Many of the people were old. But one young man was out shooting baskets on the deck, weather be damned. His name was Steven, and he was 34 years old. Many people did not notice Steven because he was quiet and unassuming. What they did not realize was that he was one of the best people that existed. He had a great personality and all his family members thought he was funny, especially his mom. Also he did not have acne. Not any more. And the braces were off too.
Shot after shot went in, because even though he had been denied the chance to play in college or even high school, he had been practicing BIG TIME. "Nothing but net!" he screamed as the rain and wind hit his face and the ship rolled to and fro. Nothing would stop him, not the weather or insecurities or mean people. In the background, a mysterious man with a Carnival vest and cap on watched. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Nobody knew who he was. He had a gray beard. He was black.
The next day it was sunny again. As Steven took his tray to the food line in the cafeteria, he heard a dumb booming voice behind him.
'HEY YA BIG DORKUS WHAT ARE YOU EATING DORKUS PIE?' the voice shouted. 'DO THEY GIVE YOU THE DORKUS DISCOUNT?' Steven didn't even have to turn around to know that this was Dirk, the big hot shot of the cruise ship. He had four girls around his arm. One of them was Alexis, the most hottest girl on the entire ship and the one everyone wanted to date and have sex with. She had black hair and always wore jean shorts and a t-shirt tied at her stomach. She flipped her hair a lot and giggled. Dirk was a huge jerk and treated everyone like crap, but when he shouted, Steven did not even blink. He just stood his ground and did not feel afraid. He turned around and almost told him off RIGHT THERE.
'I'VE SEEN YOU OUT SHOOTING ON THE COURTS, IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT SHOOTING!' Dirk yelled. Nobody laughed. You could tell Alexis wished she wasn't with him. 'I BETTER NOT SEE YOU AT THE CRUISE SHIP BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP OR I'LL DUNK YOU BACKWARDS THROUGH THE HOOP!'
This was not just an idle threat. The other day at lunch an old person had accidentally bumped Dirk, and Dirk had picked him up and dunked him backward through the hoop. The old man had to go to the Carnival hospital and then be helicoptered home.
'I will be playing!' said Steven courageously. 'I will be playing!'
Dirk laughed and nobody joined him. 'WELL IT'S A TWO ON TWO TOURNAMENT, AND IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET A PARTNER WITHOUT ANY FRIENDS I BET, HA HA!'
This part was true. Steven had been looking for a partner, but so far he only found Tim, a friend of his who couldn't shoot a ball to save his stupid life. Tim was an okay person but a huge nerd who liked to talk about science fiction all day and who still wet the bed sometimes. But Tim might be Steven's only option. Even though everyone thought Steven was great and they all wanted to be his friend, it was hard to find another basketball player.
Dirk's partner was Ricardo, a small Spanish person who was always around laughing at Dirk's jokes. 'Yeah, you got it Dirk, no partner for old wet bed here!'
'That's not me,' Steven said, correcting the record for everyone who was listening. 'It's Tim who wets the bed.'
'Whatever,' said Ricardo. 'I bet you like to roll around in it you and pretend you're swimming.'
That was not true and everybody knew it. Nobody laughed. But it was true that Steven did not know how to swim. What was the secret, he wondered?
'ANYWAY DOOFUS, YOU BETTER WEAR A HELMET BECAUSE I'M GOING TO DUNK YOU BACKWARD,' said Dirk. Then they all walked away. Alexis gave one backward glance, and she looked sad for Steven. But Steven just winked as if to say 'don't be sad for me!'
In the background, the mysterious old black man with the gray beard kept watching.
When the day of the big 2-on-2 tournament came, there were 64 teams. Steven had been practicing in the rain a bunch more times, but this day was sunny. The waves were big though, and the ship was rolling. Everyone on board had gathered to watch, including all the old people and Alexis.
Tim was not good at all, but Steven was so good that he carried their team to win after win. They kept advancing through the bracket, beating everyone that came by a lopsided margin. The old people watching muttered their approval. 'Not bad,' they said. 'Reminds me of Jerry West.'
On the other half of the draw, Dirk won by bullying. He put seven different people through the net upside down. Ricardo kept throwing him alley-oops. They won game after game through dirty tactics and tripping people and shouting. All the girls cheered for them and laughed at Dirk's antics, but Steven could tell that Alexis was cheering less. She bit her lip in doubt, and it was sexy. She wasn't sure who to support any more. Slowly, Steven was winning her over.
The mysterious old black man watched in the background.
When the finals came around, it was Dirk and Ricardo against Steven and Tim. 'Looks like we're up against the old bed wetters!' said Ricardo.
'How many times do I have to tell you that it's only Tim that wets the bed!' Steven said.
Tim nodded. 'It's true. I can't stop.'
'HOW ABOUT THIS, NERDS,' shouted Dirk. 'HOW ABOUT IF WE WIN, YOU HAVE TO GET IN THE LIFE RAFT AND ROW TO THE NEAREST ISLAND. IF YOU SURVIVE, YOU HAVE TO BE THE CATERER WHEN I GET MARRIED TO ALEXIS AND YOU HAVE TO BRING US ROOM SERVICE IN OUR HOTEL AFTER. IF YOU WIN, YOU GET TO MARRY ALEXIS AND SLEEP WITH HER ON THE CRUISE SHIP.'
'That sounds like a bad deal,' said Tim.
'Agreed!' said Steven, a hard glint in his eye.
'Okay,' said Alexis.
The game began. Dirk kept jamming his elbow into everybody. Ricardo spit at people's faces when nobody was looking. It was a hard, physical game to 21. Bodies were flying everywhere, and shots were going in. The old people looked on anxiously. They wanted Steven and Tim to win, because they represented values from World War Two.
Pretty soon, Dirk and Ricardo led 18-12. Dirk was so confident that he approached Tim. "IT'S TIME, BLADDER BOY!' he yelled.
'Oh God,' said Tim.
But there was nothing to be done. Dirk picked him up, turned him upside down, and walked him to the rim. 'ANY LAST REQUESTS?!'
'Don't dump me through the rim,' said Tim.
'TOO LATE, NERDLY.' The girls in the crowd chanted 'dump him, dump him!' Only Alexis seemed to be chanting with any kind of hesitation. Dirk jumped, and dunked Tim upside down through the hoop. He came down hard on his head and couldn't move. They had to bring a stretcher for him.
'Looks like your urine buddy is gone,' said Ricardo. 'I guess that means we win by forfeit.'
'IT'S IN THE RULES,' said Dirk. 'YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH ONE PLAYER.'
Someone from the cruise ship consulted the official 2-on-2 rule book, and they were right. Steven hung his head. Another loss.
Just then, the mysterious old black man with the gray beard limped up. 'I reckon I'll play with him,' he said in an old man voice.
'GET REAL OLD MAN!' said Dirk, and there was great laughter among the girls.
'At least he won't be missing a beat in the bed wetting department,' Ricardo chimed in.
The man continued in his shaky voice. 'Well, young'uns...I may not be who you think I am.'
Just then, he straightened up, ripped off his gray beard, and threw off his Carnival vest and cap.
IT WAS KYRIE FUCKING IRVING.
There were gasps all around. People could not fucking BELIEVE it. Dirk's jaw dropped down to his chest.
Kyrie walked up to him. 'I've been watching you all week, and you're nothing but a bully,' he said. 'Let's see how you play against the big boys.'
Steven and Kyrie slapped five, and the game was back on. Almost immediately, Kyrie dunked right in Dirk's face. Dirk fell over, and Kyrie did a humping dance above him. The crowd was delighted. Later, Kyrie used his awesome skills to draw a double team, and then he dished off to Steven, who couldn't miss.
The game went on, with Kyrie and Steven looking awesome. Soon they had made up the entire deficit. It was 20-20. Next point wins.
Dirk took the ball and passed it Ricardo. Ricardo dribbled right, then left, and threw up an alley-oop. Dirk leaped high in the air, caught it, and tried to dunk. But there was Kyrie Irving, soaring high into the cruise ship air, so high that he blocked it with his stomach and landed on Dirk's face with his crotch.
'How my nuts taste, Dirk?! How my nuts taste!' Kyrie yelled. He did his humping dance again.
The old people clapped excitedly, oohing and ahhing. Dirk was furious, and he turned to Steven. 'NO WAY YOU GUYS MAKE THIS LAST SHOT, DORKUS!'
Kyrie and Steven huddled up. 'You should take the last shot,' said Steven. 'On paper you're the better basketball player.'
'Maybe that's true,' said Kyrie. 'But I've been watching you all week. You were out here shooting in the rain. You love the game of basketball. That's something you can't teach. You were made for this moment. The shot is yours.'
Steven nodded. In his heart, he knew Kyrie was right.
Kyrie took the ball and drove left. Soon he was double teamed by Dirk and Ricardo. He jumped high, swiveled, and threw a hard pass to Steven, who was wide open on the wing.
Steven prepared to shoot. This was it. He looked at the basket, then he looked out at the ocean. He smiled to himself and shot it ten feet to the left of the rim.
'WHAT AN AWFUL SHOT!' Dirk yelled. The girls started to laugh.
Then, all the sudden, with the ball in mid-air, a giant wave hit the ship. 'Whoa!' everyone yelled. The ship rolled to the left.
And like magic, the rim came to meet the ball. It fell through.
IT WAS ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEDLAM!
The old people started doing the charleston in celebration, and even the girls were cheering. Alexis couldn't help herself, she started jumping and clapping. Her breasts bobbed up and down, you couldn't not notice. Tim cheered on from his stretcher. He could only move his hands.
Kyrie Irving ran and tackled Steven in celebration. 'You are my favorite basketball player!' he said to Steven.
'And you're mine!'
The cheer rose for miles around. Dirk was so angry that he stuffed Ricardo through the hoop upside down and then ran off to play shuffleboard by himself.
One old person turned to another. 'Why was Kyrie Irving disguised as a cruise ship employee this whole time?'
'Some things are better left as mysteries,' said his friend, smiling serenely.
When Kyrie and Steven were done slapping five, they walked over to Alexis.
'Well, I guess we should go have sex,' said Steven.
'Okay,' said Alexis.
'I'm not too confident sexually,' said Steven.
'Just look inside your heart,' said Kyrie. 'Use the same strength that helped you make that shot.'
An old man walked up. 'And use this!' he said. He threw Steven a small prescription bottle.
Steven looked down at the label. 'Viagra,' he said.
Everyone laughed like crazy. It was the best day in history.