*Only one person did it. But his was awesome and he totally would have won anyway.
Here now, in full reproduction, is the winning entry in the Kyrie Irving fake story contest.
KYRIE IRVING UPDATE:
I am in possession of Evidence, obtained through various and entirely reliable sources* who shall remain anonymous, that the affliction befalling Kyrie's toe was NOT an accident-
*God, logic, history, and common sense were my four major sources.
1. The injury purportedly occurred on December 4, 2010. Do you know what else happened on December 4? Let me enlighten you.
-Led Zeppelin officially disbanded in 1980, leading to nearly a decade of crappy music with frontmen who tried to copy Robert Plant's flowing locks and midriff shirts. The lesson here? You can't replace the maestro. There will be poor imitations, but nothing like the original. Unless Duke signs Rajon Rondo somehow, I'd say the whole season, perhaps the whole decade, is done for Duke basketball. Facts are facts, I'm just the messenger.
-The first Burger King restaurant opened in 1954, sparking a Miami turf war with Ronald McDonald and his ragtag band of guerilla misfits. There very well could be a turf war in Durham if Nolan Smith steps up and dominates in Irving's absence. Rumor has it that Smith and Irving have a "polite, yet cold and distant" relationship. Sounds like a potential powderkeg if the pecking order gets upset. You know who would benefit from this turf war? Sports pundits, bloggers, and the rest of the ACC.
-In 307 A.D., Saint Barbara was martyred. St. Barbara is the patron saint of artillerymen. Artillerymen drop bombs from long distance. Kyrie Irving's skills allowed Duke's bombers to get good looks. Coincidence? I think not. Also, her father cut off her head because she was a Christian. Did someone cut off Kyrie's toe because of his religious affiliation? Definitely in play.
-In 1909, the Montreal Canadiens hockey team was officially chartered, and 100 years of Canadian smugness has ensued. I don't know what the significance of this really is. But that doesn't mean that Montreal isn't at least tangentially responsible for this situation.
2. I don't know of anyone who has seen this mysterious toe injury. Is it even injured? Does Kyrie even have toes? I'll believe it when I see it, which is the same reason why I don't believe in air or dinosaurs. Now he's got his foot in a plaster cast. Hmm, that's convenient, I'm sure he's getting lots of sympathy from females around campus who want to help him and sign his cast. Face it, this whole injury thing could very well be a ploy to get girls' attention. It worked for me when I wore a sling in 5th grade even though I didn't hurt my arm.
3. Mesa State football player Trevor Wikre had his finger amputated to keep playing football during his senior season. How come amputation hasn't been suggested by the so-called "medical experts" treating Kyrie's toe? If all options are really being considered, as has been reported in several major media outlets, why haven't we heard more about the possibility of amputation? Maybe because THERE'S NO INJURY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
4. Take a moment and digest this information. Still not convinced? Allow me to present a syllogism that conclusively proves that Kyrie's injury is not an accident: Accidents don't happen to people who are prepared. Kyrie is always prepared. Therefore, accidents don't happen to Kyrie. Whoa. Irrefutable logic trumps medical speculation. Its why I chose law school over med school. That, and the fact that the sight of blood makes me queasy.
Now I'm not going to get into the "why" issue- that's a matter of speculation, and as established above, I only deal in facts and near-facts. However, I have recently learned that Coach K struck a bargain with Satan just seconds before Christian Laettner hit the buzzer beater against Kentucky in the 1992 Elite Eight. In exchange for victory, Coach K offered the toe of a future freshman phenom, courtside season tickets at Cameron for life, and Dick Vitale.
YUP, THESE ARE MY READERS!
Seriously though, amazing job Craig. I'd just like to add one thing. I know you think the lack of any amputation talk means that Kyrie isn't really hurt, but I'd like to suggest that he is hurt, and he just has no heart. If he actually cared about anything but his own stats, and if he truly loved Duke, he'd have his toe cut off. Sorry, it's that simple. It's put up or shut up time, Kyrie.
(Still giggling at the TOTALLY EERIE St. Barbara-Kyrie Irving connection in #1.)
(Still giggling at the 'polite, yet cold and distant' relationship between Irving and Smith.)
(Also, how many titles have the Montreal Canadiens won? 22. How old is Kyrie Irving? 18 What's the difference between those two numbers? 4 How many titles has Coach K won? 4 How many toes would Kyrie Irving have on his right foot if he manned the fuck up and went in for amputation? 4)
Craig, you win a Seth Curry Saves Duke! t-shirt, if such a thing ever exists.
So...what is happening the world of sports? Well, this guy happened:
A few people have been asking how I felt about the whole Cliff Lee saga, and the basic gist of my answer was "no comment." Cliff Lee is our big, fat, white whale. I hate him. It looked like we almost had him last season, then a mysterious second bidder came in and Seattle jumped ship and sent him to Texas. This year it looked like we had him again, since we out-bid Texas, but for whatever reason it wasn't happening. More and more, it looked like he just didn't want to come to NYC. Because we know damn well the money was there. And then, sure enough, yesterday a mysterious third bidder materialized, and poof, he was gone to the Phillies.
The Philly pitchers are now basically the Miami Heat of baseball, except they'll actually be good (are the Heat good now? I haven't kept up). Halladay and Lee are the best 1-2 punch since Schilling-Johnson in Arizona, and maybe even earlier. We lost him fair and square. Apparently he and his wife love Philadelphia. Great. Fantastic for them. I just have one wish for you, Cliff Lee: that you lose a third straight World Series.
The Yankees need a pitcher bad. Like, real bad. Like, more than just Andy Pettitte bad. Like, Zack Greinke having a mental breakdown on the mound at Yankee Stadium bad. Like 50,000 irate Bronx Italians throwing batteries at Carl Pavano even though he's wearing pinstripes and throwing a no-hitter bad. BAD, guys.
But that's the last I'm going to say about Cliff Lee. I'm not pissed. Cashman did his best. What else was he supposed to do? Like he himself said yesterday, sometimes it's not about the money. I still like our team. We're still going to win a lot of games. We'll still probably make the playoffs. We're not necessarily geared for a World Series run yet, but the deficiencies in our pitching staff don't exist for a lack of effort or intelligence. There will be other free agents. And let's not forget, the staff that we have now is the same one that won a World Series in 2009 (assuming Pettitte comes back). Sure, they're older, and AJ Burnett sucks now, and Pettitte will probably get hurt and the shine came off Hughes late in the season and CC is the least ace-y of all the aces and OH MY GOD CHAD GAUDIN IS OUR #1 PITCHER OH GOD OH GOD I'M SO SORRY ROBINSON CANO YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS TEAM I WILL BECOME A RED SOX FAN IF YOU GO THERE.
*Ahem.*
Hey, did anyone else see the end of that Ravens-Texans game. Man, what a heartbreaker for Houston. You can see the highlights on this recap page, but basically Houston made an awesome comeback and tied the game on two great catches at the very end of the fourth quarter, and then Schaub threw a horrible interception in overtime near his own goal line, and the Ravens returned it for the winning score. Buh-rutal. I wish it had happened to Dallas instead.
On the other hand, the Giants won. I didn't get to see this game because of my law test and because I'm pretty sure it wasn't on tv down here, but from what I can tell, the big story was Brett Favre being sad on the sideline. And there was this quote from the recap:
I am not going to play again if I can't feel my hand," the 41-year-old Favre.
Solid policy, Brett. By the way, it took 11 paragraphs in that game story for the writer to mention anything but Brett Favre. I feel kinda bad for the ole gunslinger, but this is the shit that makes us so sick of him. I do not fear the day when Brett Favre is out of my life.
This sets up an awesome Giants-Eagles showdown next week that we will surely lose, since we always lose to the Eagles. But I will nurture some optimism as the week goes along.
Here's an NFL question that came up last night from my girlfriend. What is the priority for picking games before the year begins between the networks? In other words, does ESPN's MNF football get to choose which game they want each week? Does NBC go second for Sunday night? How do Fox and CBS fit in? I could probably google this, but I thought I'd turn it over to y'all.
I had another NFL question, but I can't remember it now. If anyone knows what my question was going to be, please let me know.
Weird Question: I'm thinking of downloading Battlestar Galactica. I know I'm about 20 years late to this train, but I keep hearing how great it is and I'm almost convinced. Here's the deal, though; I'm not a huge sci-fi guy. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. For those in the know, will I still enjoy BG despite my ambivalence?
Last: this made laugh harder than anything since K-Strass, the yo-yo guy. And believe me, that's high praise in my universe.
I think that's about it for today. If you want to be in a college football bowl pool that's fun and cheap, see yesterday's post and be in touch. Fellow students, enjoy the end of the semester. Working world, enjoy that you have time off soon. Children, you shouldn't be reading this blog. Old retired people, don't forget your metamucil. Aliens, look no further: this blog is the perfect representation of Earth culture.
Know what's even eerier? In the '60s, St. Barbara was taken out of the Catholic Canon of saints due to lack of proof that she ever even existed. Her father allegedly found out about her Christian faith when she installed 3 windows (representing the Trinity) in her tower. all signs point to the Trinity School of Arts and Sciences with its accomplice, Mr. Thornton, as being responsible for all of this massive cover-up.
ReplyDeleteAccording to "ESPN:"
ReplyDeleteThe Heat have won nine straight games by double digits (average margine 17). That leaves them one win shy of matching an NBA record.
I'm not sure whether they've played anyone good during that streak though.
Also, according to "ESPN:" "We Know Lebron James is a fraud" http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/22706/we-know-lebron-james-is-a-fraud
I didn't read the article, but I'm betting that he and Kyrie Irving are the same person.
OK Shane, I disrupted a conference call while reading about "Missy." If you're going to post crap like that, put in a "don't read while supposedly working" warning, ok? (putting a red hat on the warning is optional and might be counterproductive)
ReplyDeleteAs to Cliff Lee. He left ~$30M Yankees dollars on the table in order to NOT GO THERE. Now, no matter what he and his wife say about still liking NY after she was spit on and had beer poured on her during the playoff game at Yank Stadium (remember that recent "Rangers sweep Yankees in 6" series?), do you think there could be some kind of connection here? Personally, I would take on a lot of beer and even spit for $30M, but clearly I am not Cliff Lee (or his wife). Good luck pitching against Boston's lineup next season.
Finally, amputation of any toe but the big one is a fine idea and "manning up" would be called for, but the big toe is apparently so important to doing things like walking (and running) that when they used to bind Chinese girls' feet to make them teeny tiny and "attractive," they left the big toe alone. If they weren't messing with the big toe while destroying little girls' feet, Kyrie really needs to take that option off the table.
-dan
Dan, I respectfully disagree. I consider myself a student of medicine and think it will be fine if he just cuts off the toe. Then he could play again without any issue.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I thought about that thing with his wife. It certainly couldn't have helped, right?
Reward: $2,000
-Shane
Well Shane, since I know you are another who only deals in facts and near-facts, I will respectfully have to defer to you on the whole toe amputation issue. Man up, Kyrie!
ReplyDeleteWhile on the subject, Pettitte and Jeter may want to consider going that same surgical route. A real issue with walkers is accidentally putting them down on the big toe, causing pain, falls and further injury.
NO REWARD
-dan
Marion, things are getting TOO eerie. Also, any saint that gets barred from the canon is clearly a badass. Just like Kyrie.
ReplyDeleteMandatory toe operations all around. I heard Lebron James wouldn't cut his toe off for Cleveland.
-Shane
I heard a rumor about Kyrie. Before the start of the second half vs. Butler, a former student was standing by her seat as he ran onto the court. She reached out, along with the children who surrounded her, to slap him five. Skin-to-skin contact ensued. Excitedly, she texted her friends. Shamefully, she left the game early because her best friend, who was there with her, was wasted. Then, immediately following said departure, her hand still tingling in glee, Kyrie hurt his toe. (Also, this is all my fault).
ReplyDeleteI am not superstitious about sports or anything, I swear, but I feel like I fucked with karma/fate/the basketball gods to tragically alter Duke’s season. Um, thanks for the best four years of my life?
In other news, I have now read Missy about six times and it keeps making me laugh.
Jill, no single slap five could be tied into the toe (assuming skin to skin contact did not involve his toe?), though helping your friend to the toilet, leaving her there, and returning to your seat till game's end would have been the right thing to do - for that you should be wracked with guilt.
ReplyDeleteI believe Shane could devote a column (blog/post?) to Missing Missy ("Extremely emotional. I was in tears"). I have sent the link to enough relatives and friends today to realize, from their reactions, yours, and Shane's, that if not viral already, it will be soon (even though it appears to have originated last June??).