Team South Africa - You can run, but you can't (apart)heid!
Team Mexico - Proudly representing the 60% of Mexico our government still controls.
Team Uruguay - Our nation's name is perfect for English-speaking homophobes!
Team France - If you've seen London, but aren't quite ready to see somebody's underpants, welcome!
Team South Korea - Names with more than one syllable are pretentious.
Team Argentina - We still haven't shed a tear for Eva Peron.
Team Nigeria - Unlike those douchebags in Niger, we're not landlocked!
Team Greece - Devaluing an entire continent's currency since 2010!
Team Slovenia - We're not 100% clear on our location either- maybe the Balkans?
Team USA - Fuck this, we're using our hands!
Team England - Despite the accent, you'd be surprised how unsophisticated most of our people are!
Team Algeria - You may know us as the 16th of 20 nations to defeat France in warfare.
Team Germany - No, seriously, make another Nazi joke. They're totally hilarious. Asshole.
Team Ghana - We're only Ghana break break your break break your heart!
Team Serbia - Laughing our way through a whimsical history!
Team Australia - We're all descended from convicts, bitch!
Team Netherlands - Exit light! Enter night! Take my hand! You'll never beat the Netherlands!
Team Japan - Taking our inspiration from the Punch-Out character Piston Honda.
Team Cameroon - Don't we totally sound like we should be from Southeast Asia?!
Team Denmark - Actually, we don't even really like that play.
Team Paraguay - The only country with two capital cities oh wait that's Bolivia shit.
Team Italy - We don't have many pools, so we just dive on the field!
Team New Zealand - Wait, we're not from Australia? I thought this place looked small...
Team Slovakia - Yes, we still sometimes mess up and say 'Czecho' first.
Team Brazil - Oh God, our game is so fucking beautiful, whoopty-doo!
Team Ivory Coast - Still the only country where both names are also soap.
Team Portugal - Something's fishy around here! HAHA!
Team North Korea - 100-time silver medalist in Korean tourism!
Team Spain - Now that you mention it, it is kinda annoying that Portugal steals our coast.
Team Switzerland - If you gave us a choice, we'd take a nice watch over the army knife, cheese, 'miss,' and the family Robinson.
Team Honduras - Still pissed that Panama got the canal.
Team Chile - Willing to sing the 'Baby-Back Ribs' song for laughs.