Monday, June 21, 2010

Important Moments in History Ruined by the Vuvuzela

1) English barons approach King John in Runnymede Meadow to present him with the Magna Carta. Their supporters are in the background, blowing vuvuzelas.

Baron Edward: Thusly do we present thee with the ‘Great Charter,’ and ask that, inspired with our great urgency, you do affix thy signature-

King John: What calamitous thrum assaults mine ears?

Baron Edward (looking back): Oh. Right. Well, of late, our supporters have taken to blowing upon a celebratory horn of local creation.

King John: Is that utterly necessary?

Baron Edward: It can be a trifle nettlesome, I grant thee.

King John: Uh, a trifle? Thou hast made the foremost understatement for the year of our Lord 1215. Go to! (angry pause) Yet I suppose circumstances dictate that I acquiesce to these demands forthwith. And so, with this signature, I forever alter the destiny of the monarchy and OH MY GOD, I SWEAR I SHALL JAM MY VERY FIST INTO THE BOWELS OF THAT FUCKING HORN.

2) Nathan Hale, hands tied behind is back, is facing death in New York City. British soldiers have placed him astride a horse, beneath a high tree next to the Dove Tavern public house. They slip the noose around his neck. A crowd has gathered.

British hangman #1: Nathan Hale, the execution procedure shall soon commence. Once we have read the charges aloud, I will blow the ceremonial vuvuzela, and then you will have time to say a few words. I trust you’ve prepared something?

Nathan Hale: I have indeed.

British hangman #1: Very well.

(Charges are read, the vuvuzela is blown, and a horrified gasp rises from the crowd.)

British hangman #2 (annoyed): And yet again, the horn has spooked the horse. But no, let’s not move that part to the end. That would be too logical! God forbid!

British hangman #1: Enough, Terrence. You’ve made your point. Fetch the body when the convulsions have ended.

3) Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce, one of the last Native American tribes to surrender, is captured by the U.S. army only miles from the Canadian border. He faces them bravely during the formal surrender, while behind, his men blow on vuvuzelas.

Chief Joseph: Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more- okay, honestly guys, if there was one time not to blow the horn, it’s right now. I mean…am I imagining this? Can you possibly be that dumb? Am I really hearing that goddamned devil horn? I just- this must be a bad dream. I’m incredulous. Someone pinch me and tell me I’m not awake. Really, I mean it. Pinch me, because this must be a nightmare, and- DAMNIT, STARING DOG, DON’T ACTUALLY PINCH ME. IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH. IF YOU’RE EVER CONFUSED IN THE FUTURE, ERR ON THE SIDE OF NOT PINCHING ME! (He kicks the dirt and throws his headdress down.) Unbelievable. You’ve all outdone yourselves.

4) Winston Churchill is about to unleash one of his devastating witticisms at a cocktail party in pre-war England. Beside him, Neville Chamberlain holds a vuvuzela.

Angry woman: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink!

Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I dare say I’d-

A loud drone is heard. Churchill angrily looks to the side.

Chamberlain: Too early, right?

5) On Iwo Jima, four U.S. soldiers begin to plant an American flag in the ground. Below, out of sight, victorious troops celebrate with vuvuzelas.

Todd: On the count of three. One, two…

Steve: AIRPLANE! I hear an airplane, everyone down!

(All four drop to the ground. After a moment, Eric cautiously creeps over and looks below.)

Eric: You guys are gonna laugh. It’s not a plane, it’s the vuvuzelas.

Mike: Too funny!

Todd: Is it just me, or does anyone else really not feel like planting this flag anymore?

(All murmur their agreement.)

Photographer: Guys, I need a something.

Eric (excitedly): Mike, do that thing where you pretend to be a horny walrus!

6) Martin Luther King, Jr. is on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, speaking to over 200,000 supporters with vuvuzelas.

MLK, Jr: Not that anyone can hear me, but there are two things really bothering me right now. First, this was a pretty fantastic speech. I’m my own biggest critic, and even I think it was going to be great. Second, someone taped one of those horns to Lincoln’s mouth. I’m not sure why that pisses me off so much, but it really, really does.

7) Neil Armstrong takes his first step on the moon.

Armstrong: This is one small step for man, one giant-

A loud buzzing sound is heard. The camera pans back to the landing module, where Buzz Aldrin is leaning out the window with a vuvuzela. He lowers it to grin at the camera, and makes a goofy face before being tackled by an irate Armstrong.

8) Supreme Court, Bush v. Gore, 2000.

Justice Stevens: And so, invoking the principle of fairness, I dissent to halting the Florida recount, and hope that my colleagues will adhere to this common sense approach and- hey, Antonin? We’ve got a presidential election at stake here. Can you put down the horn for a second?

Justice Scalia: It’s a vuvuzela.

Justice Stevens: I really don’t care. This is not the time or place.

Justice Scalia: I vote for Bush. Case closed.

Justice Stevens: That’s not how this works, and you know it.

Justice Thomas: Can I see the horn?

Justice Scalia: Do you vote for Bush?

Justice Thomas: Yes?

Justice Scalia: Blow away, my friend.

Justice Thomas: Sweet.

Justice Stevens: Fuck me.

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