Friday, May 14, 2010

Morning: 100 Friday Opinions!

Let's not waste time, shall we?

1) Mike Brown needs to be fired.

2) Lebron James looks older than he is, and it governs everyone's expectations.

3) Lebron James is a young person who hasn't learned quite how to be a leader.

4) Lebron James means well.

5) One day, he will be in a better situation.

6) However, he will never be as smart or mean as Kobe or Jordan or Larry or Magic.

7) Lebron is a child at heart. He can be dynamic, he can be playful, and when things don't come easy, he can be pouty.

8) Champions are grown men. They grin instead of smiling. They snarl instead of whining.

9) America ain't Europe: nobody gets a crown for being born. Crowns are earned.

10) People crowned Lebron before he earned anything. Nobody crowned Jordan before his first title. The only thing they gave him was shit. Kobe won three titles, and they still took away his crown. He had to win it back. You can't have the hero without the struggle. You can't have the villain without the struggle. Lebron is pure talent, and exactly nothing else. But the struggle is on, and now we'll see.

11) Brett Gardner is the best offensive center fielder in baseball. Highest OBP, most stolen bases, fourth-highest wOBA, third in average, third in runs, fewest strikeouts, third-highest adjust runs recreated (wRC+).

12) Robinson Cano will never change. .205 in the month of May. Why do I keep going back?? I'm like a jilted lover who cannot stay away. Things are going to be different this time, I swear! You guys don't know him like I do...when there aren't any men on base, he's really sweet!

13) It's useless to get angry while driving a car. Lord knows it's tempting, but nothing good ever comes of it.

14) The US will beat England 3-1. I have a feeling.

15) I'm thinking about getting into sports gambling. That's not an opinion, is it?

16) Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather need to fight each other. FOR GOD'S SAKE.

17) Duke will win next year's national title against Butler in a re-match.

18) The St. Louis Cardinals will make the World Series.

19) Cell phone ringtones are a huge blessing, because an actual telephone ring of any kind is one of the more annoying sounds in the world. Even if a personalized ringtone is annoying, it's annoying in an interesting way. "Oh, your rington is a sumo wrestler belching a Miley Cyrus song? I can listen to that once." My friend Kyle once recorded himself screaming "RING RING! RING RING!" and made it his ringtone. That was hysterical.

20) Like the last few months of a roommate relationship, the last few months at a job you know you're leaving are bound to be a big strain.

21) If you have an otherwise easy life, having to use a public bathroom stall when the adjacent one is occupied is one of the top 5 most unpleasant experiences of the day. It's just silent, awkward hell. They should have little computers so you can talk to each other by instant messenger. It reduces the weirdness, but is still anonymous and doesn't require speaking. (I'm already offended by people who won't respond to my messages in the bathroom.)

22) If you had a huge, efficient nose, could you identify people by smell alone? So if someone was coming around a corner, you'd know who it was before you saw them? That would make you awesome at fighting inside a dark house.

23) The most embarrassing thing for a terrorist would be to hijack a train with the intent of crashing it into a building, and then realizing, shit, this thing will only go on the tracks!

24) Does any institution undergo a wider opinion swing in a person's life than McDonald's? As a kid, I would literally salivate after little league games imagining how the Big Mac would taste. If you wanted me to eat a Bic Mac now, you'd have to force feed it to me at the business end of a rifle. And I'm not even a hippy.

25) At this point a lot of these are no longer "opinions," so don't read them with a smug smile and think you're smarter than me.

26) Speaking of which, don't you hate when people bring up the fact that the situations in Alanis Morrissette's song "Isn't it Ironic" aren't actually ironic? Maybe this only happens to me anymore, but world, I get it. I get it, it's not ironic. You're not cool for repeating this little meme. Except it sort of is ironic, because there's a kind of irony called cosmic irony, and this qualifies. But whatever. Let's stop talking about it.

27) Since generations tend to react against the popular trends of their parents, will our kids just absolutely hate snarkiness? Will they all be really sincere? I hope so.

28) There's no fucking way I'm getting to 100, is there?

29) Nope.

30) But let's go for 50.

31) Ugh, 50 is so far away.

32) They're letting me sponsor my brother's confirmation this weekend, despite the fact that I haven't been to church in like 2 years. And if you don't count mandatory Christmas or Easter trips when I'm with family, it's more like 5 years. Hopefully the priest can't smell it on me. "This man bears no trace of having recently been in proximity of the sweet aroma of Catholic incense! Out of my church, heathen!"

33) How dramatic would it be if they changed NFL sudden death rules to a field goal kicking contest? You'd also have announcers saying things like "Well Jim, San Francisco is really gunning for a score know they don't want to let this thing go to the kickers." And if the kickers somehow tied, they'd line up ten balls at the 20-yard line, and each back-up quarterback would have five chances to hit the goal post crossbar from thirty yards away. If they tie...bring out the punters.

34) Every time I think about the World Cup, I get excited. What I really want is a surprise champion. No Western Euros, no Brazil, no past winners. How about an African country, or Slovakia, or Mongolia? If the final is something like Italy vs. Germany, I'll probably cry. My ideal final is America vs. Ghana. And before kick-off, we line up a fleet of planes at their border, with the implication that...well, who knows? But it can't be a good idea to win this soccer game, Ghana.

35) If you live in New York City, at first you don't like the subways. Then you get used to them, and a few years later you start hating them again.

37) I just skipped #36. That is sly.

38) Where did the phrase "sly dog" come from? Dogs are the least sly creatures on the planet.

36) Felt bad for #36.

39) I memorized this as a kid: "Why are firetrucks red? Twelve inches make a foot. A foot is a ruler. A ruler is Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth sailed the seven seas. The seas had fishes. The fishes had fins. The Fins fought Russians. The Russians are red. And firetrucks are always "rushin'," and that's why firetrucks are red." As a seven year-old, I thought this was basically the coolest thing ever.

40) I didn't hate Kevin Garnett last night.

41) What's the coolest thing to collect? Coins have to be up there. But I think I'd like to meet someone with an awesome license plate collection.

42) Ham radio always struck me as something I'd have fun with.

43) I bet people would be impressed if I knew morse code, but I'm fairly positive I could learn morse code in like three hours max.

44) I'd like to think that if I ever went into space, I could just exist in that spaceship for two weeks or whatever without panicking, but I'm not sure. I might have a meltdown, and when I came back to Earth, everyone would be like "oh, you're the dude who had that...episode. In space." And I'd get furious and yell "space isn't for everyone, man!"

45) If I was really skinny, I'd probably wear European cut suits. I'd at least try it.

46) At some point, I'd like to deliver a briefcase that is attached to my arm by a handcuff.

47) It would be so great if the Suns could beat the Lakers.

48) Who doesn't like Steve Nash? What kind of person doesn't like him? Tell me. Please tell me who doesn't like Steve Nash. I'd look to like that man in the eye. We'd share a few words.

49) I hate the way ballerina slippers look on women. Hate it. It makes me think of skinny old ladies who wear black tights rank with cat hair. You especially shouldn't wear them if you have bony feet. GOD I'M MAKING MYSELF SICK.

100) Rafael Nadal will win the French Open this year. Nobody can stop him. He won't drop a set. Federer goes down in the final. It will be glorious.


  1. This post is the most like my brain, so I co-sign whole-heartedly, format-wise. Regular feature, please.

    But #12 is foolish.

  2. Ha ha! Take that, Ghana! This is a really funny post.