Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Champagne (and Beer) #1

Say what you will about the style, but the fact remains that the Yanks are back in the playoffs. Huzzah.

The circumstances of the above photo were pretty funny. Jeter was being interviewed by Kim Jones on the YES postgame show, and out of nowhere about 10 guys ambushed him with beer cans. You could see Jeter think about running, but realize his options were limited. Instead, he hunched over and stayed absolutely still for the entire duration. He was like a nerdy kid at school who's learned to curl up into a ball and keep reactions to a minimum while the bullies beat him up. Not that I know what that's like, or anything (Mommmmmyyyyyyyyy!).

Also, I think Nick Swisher was genetically engineered to seem right at home in locker room celebrations. If they did a national geographic documentary on him, his natural habitat would be among plastic-wrapped furniture, wearing goggles, holding a champagne bottle and smiling.

By the time I'm old and senile, I'll only remember the party aspect of Swisher.

Senile Me: Wonderful player, Nick Swisher. Maybe the greatest of all time. But a strange fellow. Yes, most peculiar. He always wore goggles, see, and you wouldn't find him on a baseball field without his cherished bottle of champagne.

Grandson: Can I go back to having virtual sex with models on my very realistic virtual sex computer machine? That's what kids do now, and it's accepted.

Senile Me: Yes, quite a man, Nick Swisher. Of course, that was before the Chinese came....

Grandson: Jesus Christ.

Anyway, good win. That eliminates Boston, and they were drinking champagne in Tampa too after the Rays beat Baltimore 5-0 on another strong outing by Price. The Rays are now a half-game up on the Yanks in the AL East, with the winner likely taking coveted home-field advantage until the World Series. The Rays have two more against the Orioles before ending the season against Kansas City, while the Yanks finish with the Blue Jays today, skip Thursay, and head to Fenway for the weekend. Advantage Rays, since they own the tiebreaker (9-7 edge in season series), but anything can happen in four games.

Side note: how badly is the world calling for pitcher Ivan Nova to win something in baseball so we can use the headline "Champagne Super-Nova!"?

Hey, we can't let this slip off the radar: starting Friday, it's the motherfucking Ryder fucking Cup y'all!

I am unbelievably juiced for this. I am Jose Bautista juiced. The Ryder Cup is one of my five favorite sporting events. U.S. vs. Europe. New World vs. Old World. Tiger's steely glare vs. Sergio's smug smile. Trim, respectable Corey Pavin vs. that self-satisfied Scottish bastard Colin Montgomerie.

I'm no patriot, but I can work myself up into a real dander when sports are involved. That's when I start invoking American values and other things I've never really understood. Let me take a stab at it, quickly:

Yes, I want America to win. Can you blame me? Things are different here. In America, we actually care about how you treat your fellow man. We have something called values. And something called family. And something called family values. In Europe, they take children away from their parents after six months so no deep attachments form, because loyalty isn't good for the state. Everyone there is socialist, so family connections threaten the government. It's sick. Also, Americans are way cleaner. Do you know how they use the bathroom in Poland? Here's a clue: they don't. Toilet paper is considered pretentious in Ireland. French people blow their noses in each other's clothes. Germans have a phobia of evergreen trees. The Spanish are pyromaniacs. British people collect hair. Norwegians chase squirrels around the city, giggling all the while. The Swedish are impotent. There are no legal women in Portugal. The Dutch can't tell time. Switzerland is a giant amusement park. Denmark is a myth.

Despite their habit of collecting hair, though, the British do have a pretty awesome media. One of the best stories of the Ryder Cup is that Rory McIlroy, a dirty Irishman, said that he or any of his teammates would love to play Tiger Woods since Tiger Woods is not good anymore. He even said it in a really femmy Euro way: "I think anyone in the European team would fancy his chances against him." They asked Tiger to respond, and he just said "me too." Which is so fucking badass, but that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is ESPN's coverage versus the coverage of two British outlets, The Daily Mail and the Scotland Herald. Let's begin with the headlines:

ESPN: Tiger Woods replies to challenge

Daily Mail: Tiger's in the mood to destroy McIlroy! Wounded world No 1 sets his sights on Europe's young gun Rory

Herald: Baiting the Tiger: Woods gives signal that he will be attempting to make Rory McIlroy eat his words at Celtic Manor

Yeah, Britain! That's the way to pump me up! Clearly nobody at ESPN gives two shits about the drama of sports, while everyone in Britain is in a total tizzy. I want more tizzies, American media! Moving on to the first paragraph:

ESPN: There is nothing like a little extra motivation for Tiger Woods -- perceived or otherwise -- heading into a big event.


Daily Mail: Fired-up Tiger Woods has Rory McIlroy in his sights at the Ryder Cup after taking exception to comments made by the Ulsterman.

What's an Ulsterman?! Sounds mysterious! I'm totally on board.

Herald: Tiger Woods cranked up the Ryder Cup tension a few notches yesterday with just two words as he picked up the gauntlet thrown down by Rory McIlroy, who had said he fancies his chances against the world No.1.

“Me too,” said Woods yesterday with a menacing smile when asked about the remark, and he firmly declined to elaborate.

Okay, this was two paragraphs, but still: awesome. "Menacing smile." He's a holy terror, that Tiger Woods. He may dominate in golf, or he may impregnate the entire population of Wales. Either way, he's on the prowl.

Now for the best descriptive line in the entire piece:

ESPN: The Ryder Cup is always about those spicy little moments, and Woods has long been known to carry such grudges to the tee.

I only include this for the word 'spicy.' And I guarantee the ESPN editor was like "hmmm, mightn't 'spicy' offend some people? Perhaps we should cut it for a word like 'interesting,' don't you think?" ESPN can be so lame.

Daily Mail: Woods underlined his desire to get even at his press conference on Tuesday, when asked about McIlroy saying that he would like them to play one another.

'Me too,' replied Woods, with a look of cold fury on his face.

Holy shit! Was it a menacing smile, as the Herald reports, or a look of cold fury? We might never know. Reporting accuracy is not the highest priority in Europe, but they certainly get your blood boiling.

Here's another from the Daily Mail, a bonus:

At the BMW Championship in Chicago, Woods approached McIlroy on the practice ground and told him: 'Be careful what you wish for.'

I mean, there's no way this happened, right? ESPN quotes the story too, but are careful to say that these were mere 'rumblings,' and that McIlroy denied the story. But the Daily Mail reports it as truth, and I respect that. Frankly, anyone who would question their sources on such an awesome story is a coward.

And now, the best passage from the Herald:

Tiger glared, teeth aglint, as he vowed to punish McIlroy in a fashion commensurate with the insult. 'I'll fix him but good,' said Woods, 'and I dare say he shan't be opening that Fenian mouth so quickly in the future.' One could almost see an erection developing beneath the great golfer's trousers.

Okay, I made that one up. But still, great coverage by the Brits. Wake the fuck up, ESPN.

I would like to end today with an issue that has been puzzling me. It's not related to sports, but then again, yesterday's hatred of Judah Friedlander had nothing to do with sports either. Here's my question: why are crazy Republican female politicians so very good looking? I posed this question to Spike, the official person who tells me things I don't know, and I'll get to his theory in a second. But first, let's visit the subjects.

Name: Sarah Palin

What we know:

Shoots wolves from a helicopter while gazing at Russia.
2. Has severe learning and speaking disabilities.
3. Totally hot.

Name: Michele Bachmann

What we know:

Would like to arm Minnesotans so Obama can't impose an energy tax.
2. Considers Joe McCarthy a hero.
3. Totally hot.

Name: Christine O'Donnell

What we know:

Former witch.
2. Disproved evolution by alerting scientific community to monkeys that do not evolve in a single lifetime.
3. Totally hot.

Obviously, 'hot' is pretty relative. But I think we can agree that for aging politicians, these women are doing pretty well. So what's the deal here? Spike has a theory, via g-chat:

Spike: I have an answer to why hot chicks are in the republican party
there is no skill necessary to be a republican politician
you just regurgitate business friendly, racist party line bullshit
and never stop
and you have to be visually appealing to white men
which means being a white man
or a hot chick
no fatties allowed

I would tend to agree, and add that there's probably a selection bias. So there may be like a thousand women gunning for political office in the GOP, but they only groom the hot ones.

MYSTERY SOLVED! Or is it? Please chime in with your own theories if you have them. See you tomorrow.


  1. "French people blow their noses in each other's clothes." LMAO!!

    And I don't like British people, but they do know how to make sports stories juicy (gotta give them at least that...)
    Even though I hate McIlroy and actually like Tiger even more now that so many people hate him, I can't bring myself to root for America in the Ryder Cup. Sorry but let the best men win. (I hope Tiger wins but Europe still beats US overall =P)


    Just kidding. Ryder Cup is super entertaining one way or another. I'll bet you ten francs the good guys (America) wins.


  3. You don't even have ten francs! haha