1. Felix Hernandez and CC Sabathia are great pitchers, while Chad Gaudin is a total piece of shit.
2. If I heard that a major league pitcher got caught doing lewd sexual things in a New York movie theater during "Jack Goes Boating," I would probably guess it was Chad Gaudin rather than Felix or CC.
3. I bet CC and Felix would be disgusted if Joba Chamberlain took a dump in Chad Gaudin's locker, but he'll probably do it anyway.
4. "Chad Gaudin is not that bad at pitching," said CC Sabathia, right before he and Felix started giggling uncontrollably for like ten minutes.
5. Chad Gaudin has swastika tattoos in his genital area that really creep Felix and CC out.
Now that we've got that out of the way, I should probably say that Chad Gaudin is not a bad human being. I think I remember reading a heart-warming story about him recently, and then I was kinda glad when he got another shot with the Yankees. That lasted until I remembered two crucial facts: he's terrible at pitching and I hate him.
(Note: that picture was taken just moments before Chad Gaudin was arrested for masturbating to Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
The latest example came last night, with the Yanks down 3-2 to Tampa Bay in the top of the 7th. That's when Joe Girardi, a World Series-winning manager who sometimes makes absolutely baffling moves, brought in Chad Gaudin. 'Why is he doing this?' I wondered to myself. 'We're in a one-run game and we're battling for the division here.' I complained to my girlfriend, and told her it would surely end badly.
Then Gaudin got two ground-ball outs. Wonderful. Maybe I was wrong. I had my trigger finger ready on my cell phone, ready to call and rant to my stepfather when things went bad. Maybe I wouldn't have to make that call.
I had to make that call. Crawford and Longoria hit back-to-back homers off pitches that I truly believe I could have hit fairly hard* if given a chance. A 3-2 game became 5-2, and was effectively over. Yanks ended up losing 7-2.
*not really, but they were some fat-ass pitches
Whenever I call my stepdad to gripe, we both sound like angry repetitive neanderthal sports talk radio hosts. The diatribe last night went a little like this.
Me: YOU'RE IN A RACE FOR THE FUCKING DIVISION, AND YOU BRING CHAD GAUDIN IN? CHAD GAUDIN???! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DO THAT! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BRING IN CHAD GAUDIN THERE! HE'S GOING TO GIVE UP BOMBS! THIS ISN'T MAY! HE JUST COST US THIS GAME AND WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DIVISION RACE!
Tom: HE'S AN IDIOT. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT! I CAN'T STAND GIRARDI AND I NEVER COULD. HE ALWAYS BLOWS ONE OR TWO GAMES LIKE THIS. ALWAYS. I CAN'T STAND HIM.
Both: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
Me: I HEARD CHAD GAUDIN HAS SWASTIKA TATTOOS ALL OVER HIS DICK!
Tom: WHAT? Don't be weird.
So that was frustrating. Usually when Joe makes a decision I don't like, there's a little gray area involved and I need the benefit of hindsight to know for sure that he erred. But there was no justification for this. None at all. He cost us a shot at a very big game, and now Tampa is 1.5 back instead of 3.5. Also, have you seen the rest of Tampa's schedule after today's game?
Seattle, Baltimore, Kansas City
Hint: If I was listing the three shittiest teams in the American League, it wouldn't look any different.
And they're home for the first two. Basically, Tampa is not going to lose another game. Maybe one. But probably not. Meanwhile, the Yanks have Boston, Toronto, and Boston, with the last two on the road. That sucks. If we beat Tampa today, we're up 2.5 games and we have a chance at the division. If they win, it's .5 and dead even in the loss column. That would leave us virtually no shot. Also, the season series with Tampa is now 9-8 in their favor. It would be very sweet to even things up today.
In the AL East title race, I'm ready to call tonight's game a must-win. We can't let those fucks salvage a split after two great games to start the series. And without that 2.5 cushion, we're not holding on over the last 10.
Moving on, it's time to continue the....
Tonight is very exciting because CC and Felix Hernandez, his main competition, both pitch. CC takes on Tampa Bay, as we've covered, while Felix is up in Toronto. It's not an ideal situation for either, but Felix has the tougher job with all those Blue Jays who feast on right-handed pitching.
Both pitchers have three starts remaining (including tonight) if you look at the schedule, but Seattle is already talking about sitting Felix on the last day of the season due to workload issues, and unless the Yanks are trying super hard to win the division, CC also won't start on that final day. So this will likely be the second-to-last start for both.
If you look at the stats, there really should not be a Cy Young race. CC has very good numbers, but Felix has been great. We've covered this before. However, due to certain offensive facts, like how the Seattle Mariners have more team losses than home runs (thanks Spike), Felix has only 12 wins. He basically has to throw a no-hitter if he wants that W. CC has 20 of them. And as we've seen in the past, the voters are kinda dumb. If CC sneaks his ERA below 3 (currently 3.05), I imagine he'll win.
All of which means that tonight's game could be very important for the eventual award winner. The son of a bitch Felix pitches at 12:37 (why does ESPN have this game listed as starting at 12:37?), and CC goes at the usual east coast time tonight.
I'm super excited. But does this mean I have to root for Toronto's Jose Bautista, the steroid king of baseball, for CC's benefit?
Strange bedfellows, my friends. Strange bedfellows indeed. Needles up, you bastard!