1. I'm on Twitter now. Reader Johanna and the dudes at Crazie-Talk convinced me to finally cast my lot with the 140-characters-or-less crowd. You can read my "tweets" and follow me here: @SCurrySavesDuke. My self-esteem is on the line here, guys. Please follow me.
2. A quick girlfriend story: last night, we were watching a little bit of the Cowboys-Redskins game before heading to bed. She had consumed approximately three-quarters of a glass of champagne, which is the sobriety-equivalent of anyone else drinking an entire jeroboam of undistilled vodka. She peered at the game, noticed the nicknames, and said "oh! It's Cowboys and Indians!" "True," I said. Then she started giggling at her own joke. The giggling escalated into full-on laughter, and didn't stop for about five minutes. That's not an exaggeration, gang; she was literally out of breath, and at one point she actually slapped her knee. I didn't think people even did that anymore, unless they lived in the backwoods places where throwing apples at your cousin is still the main courtship ritual.
Believe me, I tried to shame her. But my horrified look only made her laugh longer. When she finally stopped, I felt a slight twinge of relief. "I wonder if anyone else has ever noticed that?" she asked. Then she took a sip of champagne and started laughing again.
Seriously, what am I gonna do about this?
ENOUGH FOREPLAY! It's time to get to the Weekend Awesomeness Scale. For those that don't know, this is a feature where we rank the weekend's sporting events in terms of awesomeness. For scale, we use 1-10 plus a description for people who hate numbers. This week's description will feature Pastor Terry Jones, who you'll all remember as the fucking coward who totally chickened out after promising to burn the Quran.*
(I'm trying to become the first sports blogger to earn a fatwa.)
1 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning 10,000 Pictures of My Mom on Mother's Day
Man, Terry, don't you even think about it! That's my mom! Plus, the printing costs alone would be prohibitive. This one goes to Novak Djokovic beating Roger Federer in the US Open semifinals. This was a classic match, no doubt. Fed had two match points in the fifth set, but Novak fought them off and came back to win. It was fun to watch, but man, I hate Novak Djokovic. Seriously, the bad guy won this time. I get that it happens; I'm no idealist. Still, that Nadal-Federer final would have been pretty amazing, right?
Also, the dude's dad wears the most ridiculous black t-shirt in the player's box. Check out the description from this article:
The semi-final with Roger Federer will be the sixth time the shirt has been on display in the player box. The garment features an...image of Djokovic's head and torso, with the player actually wearing another t-shirt - featuring a screaming eagle."
It's about as classy as the three wolf-moon gear. I mean, maybe that stuff is awesome in Serbia. I don't know. The only think I like about Djokovic is his quote on the matter: "He's a proud father, what can I say. I don't know exactly where he got his fancy shirt -- it was somewhere in Belgrade. But he's my father and, if he wants to wear this shirt, he can wear this shirt. I would never wear the shirt. I don't like myself that much."
I have to stop reading that quote or I might start liking him. Anyway, the final was canceled by rain yesterday, and will go down at 4pm this afternoon. Rafa has a chance to become one of the all-time greats by earning his 4th major. He will win- he has to. I don't want to know what happens in a world where he loses to Djokovic.
2 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning a Picture of Abraham Lincoln on President's Day
What the fuck, Terry, that's Honest Abe! We'll give this to the Yanks getting swept by the Texas Rangers. We're not hitting, we're not pitching, and we're not even telling good jokes in the dugout (as far as I know). Texas annoys me- they're celebrating every win like its a World Series. I hope we draw them in the playoffs and burn the entire state to the ground. I'm not sure about the logistics of that, since we're confined to a baseball field, but I'm rooting for it anyway. Seriously, Texas: get off your high horse. I'm speaking to the entire state now. Maybe you guys used to be all cool and free-spirited and WHATEVER, but now you're just nine hundred square miles of fat people staggering through the heat into a Wal-Mart. Oh, and Austin. That "indy" city everyone always says is so great. Well here's a piece of news: Austin sucks. It's worse than Dallas. Have I ever been? No. No, I haven't. But I'm confident saying what I need to say. Austin is a total wasteland.
3 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning a Collection of Toenails Because He Had a Bad Pedicure Experience
Why would you do that, Terry? It's just weird! You got to give pedicures at least a second try! Also, dude, where did you get those toenails? This goes to me, for falling off my bike this weekend. I was going about 23mph on a downhill, hit a raised sewer cover, and went flying over the handlebars of my bike. Needless to say, I really wish there was video. I somehow came away pretty intact; bloody elbows and knees and some bad road rash on my back and derriere. But I'd like everyone to notice that I'm putting this at #3. As in, Djokovic and Texas winning are worse by far than risking my life in a bick crash. I'd do it all over again for those results to be reversed.*
*Actually, I would rather have the entire Yankee franchise fold rather than experience even the minor pain of a jammed finger. But you get my point.
4 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning Large Rocks the Next Time Haley's Comet Arrives
Why do you hate comets, Terry? Respect the universe! This one goes out to me too. I played in my first flag football game in years yesterday, and I was QB for a little while. You know how some sportswriters think they could do a better job coaching than the guys who actually hold the jobs? Not me. And here's why: I can't resist the big play. My team lost 6-0, and during my QB stint I definitely had people open short on occasion that I blatantly ignored. This is how my brain works when I'm quarterback:
Brain: Okay, drop back, look, look, look. There, there's one of your guys short! He's open. Check the D to make sure. Definitely open! There's another, okay two options, pick one now. Oh wait, there's someone going deep. He's covered, but HOLY SHIT HE MIGHT HAVE A STEP OH THIS COULD BE AWESOME BOMB IT BOMB IT BOMB IT! BOMB IT NOW! YESSSSSSS! OH GOD I LOVE THE RISK I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT HAPPENS NOW!
I love going deep. Can't help it. So yeah, if I was an offensive coordinator, and there was a choice between establishing the running game and calling the triple reverse home run throw back flea flicker bonanza play, I'm rolling the dice with #2 every time. I would be a highly entertaining and highly unsuccessful coach.
5 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Trying to Burn Fire in a Complicated Protest Against Arson
I'm a little baffled, Terry, but I admire the concept. Michigan over Notre Dame and Team USA winning the World Championships take #5 in a tie. Traditionally I kinda hate Michigan, and I've liked Notre Dame in the past. But it was a fun, back-and-forth game, and Denard Robinson is amazing. Also, did anyone else see Joe Montana's son at quarterback? I know he's young, but as of now he's like the anti-Joe Montana.
As far as Team USA...cool. Didn't watch any of the action, but I'm glad for Coach K. Now haul ass back to Durham, coach. The coolest college basketball team ever assembled is waiting.
6 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning DVDs of "Mad Men" Because He's Pissed that "Lost" Didn't Win Best Show at the Emmys
I don't agree with your television views, Terry, but I will support to the death your right to express them with fire. And it would be funny watching someone burn a DVD. This goes to Virginia Tech falling at home to James Madison in the most embarrassing loss since Michigan-App. St. a couple years ago. When the NBC Sports headline starts with "No Joke," you know you just suffered a bad one. Personally, I hate Virginia Tech, so this was great. Also, Boise State was getting kind of uppity, right? It's kind of hilarious in a sad way that James Madison just ensured they'll have no shot at the national title game. That had to be infuriating. I bet a lot of sheep got screwed in anger in Idaho Saturday night. A lot.
7 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning Khalid El-Amin Because He's Still Pissed at that Dude
I don't often advocate burning an actual person, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. However, I would probably feel a little guilty afterward. This mixed emotion event goes out to the First Ever Pick Six, from Friday's blog. I think this is going to be a lot of fun, but on the other hand I only scored 2 points. After Week One, Jill is in the lead with 5. Here are the standings:
By the way, for those curious, Tom shot a very solid 83 despite Spike's head games.
8 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning Traffic Lights Because He's Frustrated at Slow Driving Conditions
Me too, Terry. Me too. This necessary action goes to Alabama over Penn State in a laugher. I always get a small tingle of joy watching an SEC team beat up on an overrated Big 10 team. Call me what you will. I call myself "bloodthirsty and mean." That's also the name of my upcoming autobiography.
9 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning His Own Mustache for Charity
As long as he's careful, I would donate ten dollars to watch this happen. This one goes to the NEW YORK FUCKING FOOTBALL GIANTS dominating Carolina. It was the first regular season game in the new stadium, and Eli got some sweet revenge for last year's shellacking. Hakeem Nicks looks awesome, Bradshaw looks awesome, and the defensive line looks pretty great too. The only reason this isn't a 10 is that the secondary still bailed Carolina out on a lot of 3rd-and-long situations. I remain totally unconvinced that last year's problems in the defensive backfield are anywhere close to solved.
Still and all, great start to the season. Eli Manning remains the top spiritual savior of our generation.
10 - As Awesome as Terry Jones Burning Whatever Text People in Texas Worship
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I'M STILL PISSED AT TEXAS! YOU GUYS ARE ON MY SHIT LIST PERMANENTLY, ALRIGHT?! TERRY JONES IS GOING TO BURN YOUR PRECIOUS ZANE GREY NOVELS, OR SOMETHING. WAL-MART PAMPHLETS? ANTI-MEXICAN FLYERS DISTRIBUTED BY CHURCHES? COFFEE TABLE BOOKS FEATURING PICTURES OF COWBOY HATS? WHATEVER IT IS, BE ASSURED THAT TERRY JONES IS GOING TO FIND IT AND BURN IT!
Easy: This kind of awesomeness goes to the one and only Rafael Nadal reaching the US Open finals. He made quick work of Youzhny in the semis, and would've done the same to Djokovic if the rain had held off yesterday. It's the first time Rafa has been this far, and it's been an awesome ride. This afternoon, he tries to make history. I couldn't be more excited. Here's yet another badass picture to get us all on the same page: