You Couldn't Wait 2 Years, UNC Football??

Balls.*

*That is an expletive.

Marvin Austin, the team's defensive tackle and a projected first-rounder, is gone. Suspended. He'll be joined by up to 15 teammates for the LSU game. 15 teammates! Good lord, this team has no chance to be competitive! I could go down to Atlanta and immediately start at defensive end!

Not to make this about me, but...

That's all I know.

FUCK YOU, CAROLINA. Seriously, your "rising" football program had to implode the year I arrived? Nice timing, you bastards. All I wanted was to watch a decent team for two years. I wasn't asking for a national championship, or even a conference championship. Top 25 would have been nice, but I would have settled for good, competitive football that left me satisfied at the final whistle. And when my two years were up, you could have gone down in flames. I wouldn't have cared. Steroids, agents, point-shaving, rape, murder...whatever. Just wait for 2012, please.

I mean, do you know what I went through at Duke? Do you even know? In four years, the team won eight games. For any Carolina football players having a tutor read this for them, that's an average of two wins per season. I missed half of those because I was studying abroad. It sucks to miss a game, but at Duke it sucks even more to not miss one. Wallace Wade Stadium is about as exciting as a sparsely attended workplace meeting where they show safety videos made in 1974. You know why that last sentence should blow your mind? Because I'm one of only like seven Dukies who knows what the fuck the football stadium is called. Seriously, I don't think most of my classmates even understood the rules of football. You know how a lot of people try to grasp real-world concepts by using sports metaphors? Kids from Duke help each other at football games by explaining the plays in terms of the economy. "Bear Market" was shorthand for our offense.

And guess what? That fresh hell was still more satisfying than this abortion of a UNC season. At least the Duke players could be bothered to open a school book. And believe me, they weren't talking to agents. If they tried, the agent would start sidestepping like the hot girl at a high school party being approached by the kid who was eventually going to play football at Duke University. (Wrap your mind around that analogy, Carolina. Both examples of undesirable people were Duke football players, just at different stages of life. That's how bad we were.) But you could count on certain things, like integrity and decency and class and turnovers.

My history is ugly, Carolina. I have memories of going to Syracuse games when I was a little kid, and the team was actually good. But there are two caveats; first, they played in a dome; second, I was too young to drink. Then Duke happened. We're all unlucky sometimes. But this year was supposed to be the opening of my window of opportunity. For once in my life, I was going to be a real college football fan.

That's all down the drain. The window of opportunity closed on my fingers. I was going to watch Saturday's game on Franklin Street with a few classmates, but now I think I'll just go to Durham and watch Duke host Elon live. Why pretend to be something I'm not? In some ways, maybe I've cursed Carolina. Maybe someone with a blog dedicated to Duke basketball shouldn't cross the proverbial stream (editors note: there are no proverbs about crossing streams, just jokes by immature people) and root for the Heels, even in a different sport. Maybe the fates are punishing us both. But maybe, just maybe...

FUCK YOU, CAROLINA! FUCK YOU AND YOUR NEANDERTHAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS! I HATE YOU ALL. THE ONLY AGENT I HOPE YOU FIND IS A FUCKING BAIL BONDSMAN, YOU CRIMINALS!

Okay, other stuff happened in sports, and I'm in a curmudgeonly mood, so let's get it done.

THE WRAP-UP
-Andy Roddick lost in four sets to the wildly entertaining Janko Tipsarevic last night. Greg Garber summarized Tipsarevic's appeal nicely early on in his story:

Make no mistake though, Tipsarevic, a bearded 26-year-old from Serbia who wears sleek industrial art glasses and sports a Dostoyevsky tattoo, played beautifully. On this night, a journeyman tennis player, who makes a nice living inside the top 100, pulled off the upset of the tournament so far.

The Serbian was awesome, and with Roddick, the minute you press, he'll begin the process of folding. There have been a few exceptions in his career, the valiant Wimbledon final against Federer chief among them, but he'll yield more often than not. Last night, there was the typical litany of complaining, frustration, and anger undermining his play. By the third set, he already had the quintessential Roddick expression, which is basically a half-smirk, half-pout that implies the entire world is against him and he's experiencing the kind of bad luck nobody has ever felt. This guy is the anti-tough.

On the other hand, he apparently had a minor case of mono earlier this summer, and believe me, mono sucks. I missed a Belle & Sebastian concert for mono! So I can see why he'd lose a professional tennis match.

-The Yanks won 4-3 on some nice pitching from AJ, Boone Logan, Kerry Wood, and Mo. You have to love the lead from that story:

After A.J. Burnett had a tough outing last week, he found pitching coach Dave Eiland.

"He said, 'That's it. No more of these,'" Eiland said. "I said, 'Let's get to work.'"

Except why did it take so long? The guy was 9-12 on the year. Shouldn't that have happened sometime in late May? Regardless, the Yanks won, and they'll go for a four-game sweep tonight. And guess who we'll face?

Dallas Braden! He of the 'stay off my mound!' fame. Unfortunately A-Rod won't be there to take his licks, but here's hoping we shell his redneck arse back to Oakland anyway. And big CC has a chance to earn his 19th win and get one step closer to that well-deserved Cy Young Award.

-Cliff Lee is 0-3 with an 8+ ERA in his last 5 starts, and now he has back pain. If it's a serious issue, it's quite unfortunate for the lefty. He's in a contract year, and before this news cropped up, he looked to be in line for a big contract. Now, with his Texas ERA in the mid-4 region, his prospects might not be so hot, and maybe the Yanks should be a bit wary of going after the Arkansas native.

College football stuff tomorrow. G'day.