Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Guest Blogger: A Typical Rays Fan

(Guys, I was lucky enough yesterday to receive a phone call from a friend of a friend who had just left Yankee Stadium after the game. His name is Charles, and he describes himself as a 'typical Rays fan.' We spoke for a while, and he agreed to write a recap of the game from his perspective. I have a law test this morning, so I'm just going to run his words, and I'll be returning tomorrow. Enjoy!)



By Charles, a Typical Rays Fam

Hello my name is Charles and here is a picture of me from about two to three years ago at a Japanese restaurant:

That was the first and last time I ever went to one of those places because if you ask me sushi is just a fancy word for fish with rice. I had to order off the kid's menu.

Anyhow I manage a front desk at one of only two Sleep Inn hotels in Tampa Florida. I was at a conference of hotel managers in New York City when all of the sudden a person who knew I was from Florida offered me tickets to see a baseball game. I nearly said no as I have never yet gone to a baseball game but then he asked again and I knew I had to go. I am happy to write some words about the things that I experienced there.

Boy what a big place Yankee stadium is. The stadium concourses are so wide and the people will give you guff if you wear the hat or jacket from the opposing team. I felt lucky that I did not own this type of clothing. Charles I told myself you just dodged a bullet.

From our seats you could see the baseball field. All the players were running and it seemed like there were too many along with too many baseballs until my New York friend told me this was just warm-ups and when the game started some sort of order would be displayed out there.

Oh my goodness I must tell you the price of a hot dog was so high I am nearly convinced to call it outrageous.

I meet a lot of kinds at my station at the Sleep Inn down in Tampa but I can tell you there were some mighty interesting 'characters' at that game. The types of things they yelled toward the field and at each other made me blush, and as my friend Richard will tell you I am not a big blusher. We are known to say some hilarious things about each other without any kind of blushing but I must say it is never in such high spirits as the gentlemen at that game. I thought there would be deaths for all the anger in them. Charles I told myself you watch yourself tonight.

I was too tentative to flag down the man vending the waters and so I went thirsty for much of the game. Whatever happened to the old-fashioned water fountain? Although I have heard on the internet that New York City water is contaminated by saliva and other things from homeless people and lord knows most of them have syphilis and that's what killed Mozart.

As I said I have seen some sights in my career. Once for instance a man left his keyboard in his room upon checking out and never came to retrieve it. But the vision of two men fighting in the bleacher section was more than I could bear. And here is the part that will shock you: both of them wore the black and white colors which I take to represent the home team.

My it is difficult to urinate between two men who speak in loud Italian-accented voices. I don't mean to talk turkey but those Italian-Americans are loud as can be. And they speak so fast. You may as well have put a clamp on my bladder. I did not urinate for the entire game and as Richard will tell you I urinate frequently especially if I have had a beer or two. Charles he says you can urinate like a horse.

If I have one complaint it is that the steps are too narrow down the aisles. I fell down while coming back to my seat once and took quite a tumble. Lucky for me I have some natural padding but I was shocked at the reaction of the other fans who jeered at me and added cuss words that I have not even heard.

The whole game I was nervous because airplanes kept flying overhead. What if one crashed and killed all the people inside the stadium including the players? It seems awful silly to build a baseball park right underneath where planes fly if you ask me.

Let me tell you another thing those hard seats do not react well with my hemorrhoids. I was shifting and sweating and all evening and it wouldn't have killed the builders to put a little padding down.

I am not a big crier for instance I only cried 26 times in all of 2009 but boy when some of the fans behind me kept hooting out disgraceful taunts at a player from Tampa I could not help but weep. My friend Richard will be the first to tell you that I am sensitive as all get out to people being mean and these fellows really rattled my cage. I almost said something but did not because I was afraid and because I thought they would see my tears and come up with yet more insults.

My companion left me sometime within the first hour and I could not reach him on the cell phone. Oh what panic I felt. I waited nearly twenty minutes before I could not take it any longer called 9-1-1. They did not seem to understand my problem though and halfway through the phone call my companion returned with a finger made out of foam that terrified me. I hung up the phone and told him I had been talking with my mother about the atrocious prices at Target these days and he seemed to understand.

Speaking of my mother she could not believe the words coming out of my mouth when I told her that one wisecracker had made a sign with an image of Jesus altered to look like a Yankee baseball player. She was horrified at the blasphemy and insisted I leave the stadium right away. Charles she said I want you out of that nasty place. But I told her it was important for me to make it through. She told me she loved me and we both cried again.

At one point I attempted to urinate again but this time in the stall. Just as I was beginning a drunk man crawled like an army soldier underneath the stall partition. I began to shake in fear but he did not even look up on his way to crawling beneath every stall in the entire restroom. I heard him cry out as the man in the next stall kicked him. I felt as though I was being tested in hell.

Frankly I must tell you that I saw more than 100 flags waving at that stadium and only one was an American flag and that is a situation that disgusted me. I wrote a letter on the spot but when I tried to find a team representative at the lemonade stand the worker only looked at me with a rude expression. I stuffed the letter in his pocket and stormed away.

Then on the way down I fell again on those forsaken steps. This time my feet slipped forward and I landed directly on my hemorrhoids and that was a painful situation. Again I was laughed at and when I asked some of them how they would feel if they had hemorrhoids and had fallen directly on them they only laughed harder. All sympathy is gone in New York.

I called Richard to tell him of my troubles but his phone was off. I swear to you that man nearly always has his phone turned off. I left an angry voicemail and said why do you even have a phone Richard if you're never going to keep it on? Why do you even have one?

My blood sugar became so low that I was forced to pay for an expensive hot dog. It tasted very fine I will admit that was not a bad hot dog.

I started to miss Tampa very bad and soon I was writing down memories in my memory pad which always makes me feel better. I wrote down a memory of the time my mother and I went to Busch Gardens and we rode the ferris wheel and both of us were screaming and ranting just like wild people! Oh that is a day we will not ever forget not like this Yankee Stadium outing which frankly I would not like to remember.

I am not a big follower of politics because it upsets my stomach and liver but I found it very offensive that they sold Cuban sandwiches at the concession stand. Fidel Castro is a bad man and I don't think Americans should be supporting his sandwiches. It did not surprise me one bit to see that they were nine dollars because you should not expect a fair price from communists.

On the video screen I saw some lewd dancing that I would not even describe here because I'm sure such words are illegal. One man with a belly that disgraced me gyrated with such suggestive movements that I nearly had an incident of acid reflux and you would be shocked to hear that the people actually cheered for him! It made me long for the box socials that I used to-

(Editor's note: guys, I'm really sorry, but this goes on way too long so I'm going to cut it off here. I'd like to thank Charles for his contributions. The Yankees won 8-3, by the way.)

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