Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Golson Firecracker, Punking Stuart Scott, and Old-Timey Diversions

(Hey, have you guys ever heard of Twitter? Yeah,'s a social networking site, or something. You can post messages for other people to read, as long as they're short. It's going to change how everyone thinks about everything, including and especially sex. Can you imagine such a thing? Well, I'm on it now. I'm on twitter. You can read my 'tweets' here, and follow me. Will you join me for a wild and revolutionary ride? My goal is 7 million followers by tomorrow. Currently, I have 31.)

I swear you only have to tolerate two more days of that before my twitter information stays quietly on the sidebar. So, let's get a little goofy today and jump around a bit. First on the agenda:


The Yanks finally got off the losing bus yesterday with a crazy extra innings win against Tampa. Jorge Posada blasted a game-winning home run in the top of the 10th, and Granderson saved our asses with a beautiful diving catch in the bottom of the 9th, but the lasting image from this one will be an absolute dart thrown by Greg Golson from right field to complete a fantastic double play and even the series.

The situation: Crawford hit a lead-off single, Longoria hit a bomb to center that barely stayed in the park for the first out, and then Crawford stole second. The Joyce flew out to right- moderately deep, I'd say- and Crawford tagged. Golson made the catch and threw a one-hop BB to third, good for a game-ending double play.

You can watch the video and the celebration here. Three thoughts:

1. It was very dumb for Crawford to tag. He can easily score from second on a base hit, and making the final out at third base wasted a batter. His manager supported him:

"With Rivera out there, you can't just assume you'll get a base hit. ... If he gets to third, there are other ways to score, too," Maddon said.

Okay, but what are the odds that you score from third on a wild pitch (or eventually get walked in, I guess)? With Mariano on the mound, pretty small. I still say it was an unnecessary risk.

2. Not that it will happen often, but the outfield of Gardner, Granderson, and Golson is a disgusting defensive unit. The 3-G Network. Great coverage? Hell yes.

3. The race for the AL East is getting pretty fun. I swore I was going to wait til after this weekend to really commit myself (I was on a US Open/football hiatus after going hard April-August), but last night sucked me in. Thank God we won; five in a row would've been too much to handle. I'm getting psyched.

So psyched that I'm unleashing a new, unrelated feature:


I got to thinking last night about how much I dislike Stuart Scott, and this idea came to mind. In "Punking Stuart Scott," I write up imaginary scenarios where I totally punk him in a public setting. The basic formula is that I approach him, confuse him, and then yell 'BOO-YA!' in his face to startle him.


Stuart Scott and I are on a crowded bus.

Me: Hey, what's up?

(Stuart Scott gives off the vibe that he doesn't want to talk)

Stuart Scott: Hey man.

(I speak in a low voice)

Me: Yo, you've got something on your collar.

Stuart Scott: What's that?

Me: You got some shit on your collar.

(Stuart Scott leans in closer)

Stuart Scott: Sorry, I couldn't-


Stuart Scott recoils and is pissed. He knows he's been punked.

This has been...


(Note to readers: please write in with tales of punking Stuart Scott, whether you've done it or just seen it done. I'm totally serious. Some day I would like to make a post of just 'Punking Stuart Scott' stories.)

The other day I was in this bookstore in Chapel Hill called 'The Internationalist.' It's a small, independently-owned place, and in the front they had this rack of locally-written anarchist pamphlets. Most of them looked dumb, but there was this one about a rebellion in the Tennessee coal fields in the late 19th century. The author's name was "Sweet Tea." It was free, so I picked it up. The rebellion stuff was kinda interesting, but the best part was when Sweet Tea re-printed a poster for a community gathering among the coal miners ("Grand Picnic at Briceville, Tenn., to celebrate the day the convicts and state militia were driven out of Briceville."). It celebrated the one-year anniversary of a victory against free prison labor, and on the poster was a large section called "Amusements." Some of them are pretty great. I would like to share them with you and add a comment or two. Enjoy this glimpse at history:

THE YOUNG LADY who gathers 25 potatoes first first will receive $1.00 by Dr. C.L. Hill.

Do they have a bunch of potatoes hidden nearby, or do the ladies basically have to scour the countryside until they come up with 25? This just proves what I'm always saying: it was tough being a lady back in the day.

THE YOUNG LADY who runs 25 yds. with an egg in a spoon will receive a handsome album by H.S. Pless also $1.00 cash by Dr. Madison

I'm starting to notice that the doctors back then were total pervs. I bet the organizers were all like "guys, Dr. Hill and Dr. Madison are insisting on the egg and potato stuff again," and everyone was like "what the fuck, those dudes are strange." But I have to admit, I would pay a dollar and a handsome album to watch women racing around with eggs too. I just would.

JUG BREAKING by ladies blinded, premium 1 scarf by S.S. Burriss

Madison and Hill saw this one and were like "dear God, S.S. Burriss is a genius!" Did any ladies actually do this? Did any of them put on blindfolds and start breaking jugs willy-nilly? Is it harder to break a jug blindfolded? Don't you just throw it at something? Isn't that kind of dangerous? Old timey peoples is crazy, y'all!

TAILING THE MULE by ladies, successful lady $1.00 by W.B. Underwood 50C by Dr. B. Petree

I guess "successful" means "she wasn't kicked by the mule and gravely injured or killed." I'm starting to suspect that these contests were invented to place women in danger. Also, Dr. Petree is a cheapskate. YOU'RE A DOCTOR, DUDE, GIVE A FUCKING DOLLAR. That pisses me off.

HAMMER THROWING by men 1 box cigars by G.E. Irish

Oh great, a hammer. Just what I want to see on my day off from the fucking coal mine.

RACES RUN by men, weighing 200 pounds or more 1 pocket knife by R.M. Chapman

Fat man race!

RACES BY LADIES weighing 200 pounds or more 1 pair fine slippers by M.F. Bibee

Fat lady race!

THE HANDSOMEST young lady over 15 yrs., 1 pair silk mitts by Robt. Hart

A young lady shall be permitted entry providing that she wears naught above the line of the waist excepting a thin garment of white cloth, and this cloth shall be summarily dous'ed with liquid water such that the fabric, previously white, assumes the properties of transparency and thus allows all and sundry a brief yet provocative glance at...well, you guys know. You know what I'm saying. Furthermore, we shall be lenient about the whole '15 yrs.' thing. It's a picnic, dudes, let us not be totally uptight.

THE YOUNG LADY repeating the largest number of words in five minutes, Silk Handkerchief by W.H. Branscom

Can it be any word? Can it be nagging and complaining about me? Is it too late to enter my girlfriend?


(Just kidding sweetums, I wuv you, I wuvvvy wuvvvy wuvy you...)

Tomorrow, Nick E. is on board with some thoughts on Duke basketball. As usual, it will be informative, accurate, and entertaining. In other words, completely different. Have a good Wednesday.


  1. I love Stuart Scott, but you won me back with "Fat Lady Race!".

  2. At least when I was there, Stuart Scott 'Always' MC'd the Late night with (Matt, Roy). So that could be a PERFECT opportunity to dream something up for...go to work!

    I always found The international bookstore a little scary, as if the govt. was photographing and opening files on anyone who dallied there. Or that I would be escorted to some politico/cultish group that was meeting in a dark corner if I walked in. The most nerve I had was the pamphlets outside that I'd snatch with my head down as I scurried by. -John

  3. I don't even hate Stuart Scott that much, Carrie. I don't love him, and he does deserve to be boo-ya'ed, but I might have been a little harsh.

    Agreed about the Internationalist, John. It creeped me out, both because I thought the FBI was watching and because I don't want to associate with anarchists. It reminded me of Russia right before the Bolshevik Revolution. Just a lot of potential seedy elements.