Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Post #300: Seth Curry Saved Duke!

When this blog was birthed, in late March of 2009, Seth Curry had just made the decision to transfer from Liberty to Duke. I was inspired to cast my lot with the teeming blogosphere, and in that maiden post, I implored Curry the Younger to save our foundering program.

Now, one year and three hundred posts later, he's done it.

Seth Curry has saved Duke.



Did I expect it to happen this fast? Did I ever guess, in my wildest dreams, that he'd accomplish the stunning reversal without ever playing a single minute?

Yes. Such is the magic of Seth Curry.

Okay. Yesterday, I decided to go a bit negative. I sent a crude but meaningful message to the hater universe. It struck a chord, and I'm happy to report that by day's end, we established a new record for hits and oblitered the previous high mark for comments. Let this be a lesson to other bloggers, or just people in general (especially children): if you want attention, use the word "fuck" a lot. Especially in a confrontational way. It even spawned a t-shirt:


I love it! I'm always annoyed at how long it takes for my words to be made into commerce, but this turnaround was lightning-fast. My only two problems:

1) Where's the Duke logo?
2) Where's the credit for Seth Curry Saves Duke!? LOL, JUST KIDDING! HEHE!*

*Seriously, you infringing motherfucker, I will sue you blind. I will have my lawyers so deep in your fucking pockets that you can't afford one of your own cheap-ass t-shirts.

The good people at Deadspin were nice enough to give me a link, a few message boards picked it up, and the people responded. Some were reasonable, some were juiced, some were pissed. That last group is, of course, the most fun. Here's a smattering of quotes from the haters who got in on yesterday's commenting action, along with my responses in bold:

"In the large scale of time and the universe, dook is nothing more than a pin sized pimple on its ass."

I'm unclear...which ass are we talking about? Time's ass? The universe's ass? Or even dook's ass? That last one really messes with my head.

"Lastly, there are people that take this stuff far too seriously. This "blogger" (blogger = hack writing and large ego) being one of them. Did you play for the Duke team? Were you "hated" by people when you were a duke student? If you were, it probably has more to do with you than the fact that you were a duke student. You seem like an angry fella. Seriously? Do you not get how lame that is?"

ANGRY?! I'LL SHOW YOU ANGRY! (three minutes pass) Hey, guys, just out of curiosity, does anybody know a discreet place in Manhattan that fixes bullet holes in ceilings?

"Fuck PUKE! And to those ignorant puke fans tooting their horn about tv ratings being so high, it was ALL because the whole country (- dookies) were routing for the underdog! To those of you that want to tell everyone else to "go fuck theirselves," FUCK OFF! This year was another anomaly in puke's typical fashion. Come get some!"

This total RETARD doesn't even know how to spell our university's name! It's Duke. With a D, you COMPLETE IDIOT!

"You stay classy. Your post could be a study of why Duke is hated. Go fuck yourself? Save me your whiny b.s. and appreciate your championship. Quit being a little bitch."

But then I'd have to get a new nickname!

"Go fuck yourself, you arrogant snob."

PISH POSH!

"Your justification for choosing to be a smug a*hole instead ("the b*tch made me do it") is just a weak excuse not to grow up, or else a lame grab at page views."

Can't it be both?

"The smugness and the insecurity just take over sometimes, huh?"

Can't it be both?

"Furthermore everyone at Duke is either a medical student or likes to rape prostitutes. Know what I mean?"

Can't it be both?

"What are all you dookies going to do when Ratface goes off to an NBA team. What a bunch of fags!"

WE SHALL HIRE A COACH WITH THE FACE OF A MIGHTY GORILLA! THEN WE SHALL SEE WHO IS HURLING EPITHETS, MY FRIEND. WE SHALL SEE INDEED!

"Right back at you, you fucking worthless piece of shit."

Right back at you, you fucking worthless piece of shit!

I await your response. Respectfully yours,

Shane


"We'll just assume you weren't a big star on the debate team."

That debate team was nothing more than an old boy's club. I barely even think about it anymore.

"Believe it or not, there are actually people who have money and still chose not to go to Duke. Why? Because they didn't want to dress like a Laettner 90's throwback, wanted to actually meet girls, and didn't want to be perceived as a fag."

This reminds me of the time I met Margaret Thatcher at a charity dinner I attended in 2007. "I went to Duke," I told her. "Oh lovely," she said. "A fag."

"A comment above refers to dookies as fags, and I think thats unfair and am certain the Duke lacrosse players would be extremely offended."

Mike Nifong, on the other hand, would kill to be called something as tame as 'fag.'

"Yeah, fuck Brian Zoubek, and fuck you all."

Seriously, did you have to mention me separately?

-Brian Zoubek


"You're still Duke and you still suck. Why? because you year in/year out play the dirtiest brand of basketball in the NCAA. And kchwqtrsplmnvxzd is scum."

I can't argue with this. Singler routinely covers himself in infectious bacteria before games. (See how I just twisted the meaning of 'dirtiest' from its original intent? That is called good writing.)

But somehow, the most disturbing comment of all came from a Duke fan. It was really the cherry on top of the whole sundae. Behold:

They're gonna pay for this for the next eight months. I've put up with so much shit from these cumguzzlers over the last few years and it's time for Daddy to have some time in the bathroom.

Whoa! I like to think that even the angriest Duke haters saw that comment and were taken aback for a moment. And I also like to think that the Duke PR department saw it, and knew they'd found next year's team slogan.

Duke Basketball: It's time for Daddy to have some time in the bathroom.

Man, that is a creepy sentence! And it follows so hot on the heels of 'cumguzzler.' The whole thing is just a masterpiece of skeeve. Really nice work, commenter. I'm going to imagine your name is 'Terrence.'

Anyway, I'm totally thrilled that my treatise on the strained discourse between Duke and their detractors ended up destroying any remnants of civility. Later on today, I'll actually get into the national championship game, and I might even talk a little baseball. I think the New York Yanky team will be good again. When does that season start, by the way?

8 comments:

  1. Smug, insecure medical studentApril 7, 2010 at 9:38 AM

    i think we all have to assume that the traffic increase was due to my fbook link to this site. you owe me a t-shirt.

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  2. As a UNC grad, I say simply:

    1) Congratulations. You kids were the last team standing.

    2) I respect the integrity with which you seem to be a fairly even-handed observer

    3) You crack me the HECK up

    4) I shall now go fuck myself

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  3. Well I say this: The first post I saw was the Hansbrough love letter from unc board link...from then on from time to time I punch your site up from my Sports folder in Firefox. Thou art a funny man. Duke is good subject matter because it's very easy to make fun of (with credibility from the inside) and yet has success. Your credibility took a hit when you said Scheyer is a good looking dude. Here's to the Heels next year. Here Here.

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  4. Commenter #1: Thank you for the traffic. I'm sending a t-shirt your way (it's one of my old Burger King t-shirts, except the logo says 'Jimi Thing,' because it's a Dave Matthews Band themed novelty shirt).

    Commenter #2: Thank you. You're a model citizen.

    Commenter #3: Scheyer is gorgeous, and you know it. Also, I didn't get the sense that you were going to go fuck yourself like commenter #2. Please let me know your status on this.

    -S

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  5. Love the blog!!
    Just gave you a shout-out on The K-Line.
    www.k-line.blogspot.com

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  6. This Friday. Smith Center, Chapel Hill. Banner-raising ceremony for Heels '10 NIT runner-up, BITCHES! Be there or Go Fuck Yourself.

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  7. UNC fan here. . .

    I love your writing. Don't let the internet inhumanity get you down. Enjoy the win. .

    and wait till next year.

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  8. haha funny stuff... seth rocks!

    NCAA National Champions: Duke
    NIT National Champions: Not UNC

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