Monday, April 26, 2010

Morning: What Happens to a Blog Deferred?

Answer: it dries up like a raisin in the sun.

Promising posts and then not delivering is not among my favorite things to do, so I apologize. There will come a day when I am paid to spill the contents of my brain in written form, instead of logging payroll hours for women that steal toilet paper from the handicapped bathroom. Then again, there may not. But if that day comes, I'll be unleashing blog posts like a man possessed.* I hope by that time computers will have evolved to the point that people wear chips in their head, and are forced to read every single word I write via a teleprompter-type thing that runs just beneath the eyelids. Ideally, it would also release a chemical that paralyzes the person temporarily, so they can't engage in other distracting activities while reading.

*If that day never comes, I'm going to design and build a really sweet toilet paper alarm system.

So there were probably a lot of sweet things I was going to write Friday afternoon, but didn't have the time. Now, I will post them all in shortened form. While you read them, please keep in mind that the original theoretical versions were much longer, more analytical, less crass, and verging on genius.

Thoughtful Sports Analysis: Crude and Abridged

NFL Draft: The Giants picked up a bunch of fat douchebag linemen. Real exciting, dipshits.

NBA Playoffs: Kevin Durant can fucking dunk, y'all.

Yankees: Yo, Teixeira, quit being a bitch and hit the ball, dick.

Kentucky Derby: Horses are mad gay.

Rafael Nadal: That Spanish motherfucker has a backhand to rival some of the more abusive dads in town.

So now you're caught up. Also, there will be a special announcement this afternoon. I promise. Let's get on to...

5 Yankee Points, 4/26

1. The Streak is Over

With yesterday's loss at Anaheim, our streak of 5 straight series wins to start the year is officially done. But it was a nice ride, and, barring a miracle, we'll be starting a new one on Tuesday when the team sets fire to Baltimore.

2. The Return of Jerk-Ardi

That's the nickname my stepfather reserves for Yankee skipper Joe Girardi. I'm not nearly so hostile, but occasionally Gentleman Joe will make a move that warrants some complaint. Yesterday's loss provided a nice example. In the bottom of the 7th, trailing 5-4, Damaso Marte was on the mound to face a few lefties. He walked Abreu and hit Torii Hunter to put two men on, and managed to get Matsui to ground out. With two down, Kendry Morales strolled to the plate. Morales is a switch hitter.

Now, if you just go by the book, Morales hits more home runs from the left side of the plate. So keeping Marte in seems like an okay move, since it keeps Kendry batting right-handed. So fine, play the percentages. But not to the detriment of observation. Marte stunk all inning. He was aiming rather than throwing, trying to nibble the corners and not even coming close. You have to bring in someone new there. Maybe Robertson, maybe Joba. What eventually happened was that Marte was forced to lay a fastball over the plate, and Morales tanked it for a 3-run homer. That made the score 8-4 and put the game completely out of reach.

3. Stick a Fork in Javy Vazquez

Done. He turned in another game with an average fastball below 90mph, which makes four in a row. In the three seasons before, he had four total. Never two in a row.

What else: His walk rate is now double any other year in his career, the home run rate is higher than ever before, the opponent BA is above .300 for the first time ever, and the opponent swinging contact rate is above 80% for the first time ever. All symptoms of a fastball with no juice, I'm afraid. And that's typically not something that magically improves.

12 million dollars. Crap.

4. ROE-bee-thun!

I saw this really great baseball movie called "Sugar" last summer. It was by the same directors who did "Half Nelson." It's about how kids from the Dominican are recruited and sent to America to play baseball. At one point, they ask a bunch of them to name their favorite player, and a lot say Robinson Cano. But they pronounce his name like the above. So now, whenever he comes to bat, I say his name that way. It kinda rolls off the tongue. Hopefully it's not racist (nationalist?), or something, because I enjoy it quite a bit.

Anyway, my favorite Yankee is off to a phenomenal start. He's now tied for 4th in AL batting average, within sniffing distance of first, and his OBP is almost 50 points higher than his BA. Which means he's walking! Unbelievable. He's also hitting for some power, with 5 jacks and 14 RBI on the year. And his wOBA is .459, good for 8th in all of baseball, and higher than second base Jesus, aka Chase Utley. The dude is legit.

5. The Joke Stopped Being Funny Days Ago, Mark

It's gotten so bad with Teixeira that my girlfriend, an avid fan from day one, has taken a new Yankee boyfriend: Brett Gardner. And she's pretty loyal, so you know something's amiss.

An 0-2 day yesterday lowered his average to .119. All we keep hearing from every expert is reassurance, but it's nearly May and I'd like to start seeing some results. I am, after all, a Yankee fan; patience has its limits.

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